To expect DP not to read my text messages

[Hiddenipad]

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

You can not buy a house with him.

He's routinely reading all your text messages now. What will he do to invade your privacy, next? Give you the nth degree whenever you leave the house? Stalk you when he doesn't believe you?

Jealousy to that degree is not good for a long term relationship. Nor is such a lack of respect.

I'd also be wondering what caused him and his ex to split up. I bet it's not what he says it was.

Woah... this is incredibly creepy, I'd even say scary behaviour. Honestly, this should make you rethink the relationship. It is abusive. Psychological abuse is still abuse. Stealing your stuff and using it to secretly monitor you is not in any way part of normal behaviour, nor it is 'just over' the line -- it's way beyond the line. If he's prepared to lie and stalk you in this manner, he is not respecting you as an equal, and you have no way of knowing what other normal limits of human interaction he is perfectly happy to transgress. Good luck to you, but please please don't minimise this (or let him do so).

I like shite's plan.. and I'd like to set up a webcam in the bedroom and watch as he goes to his secret hiding place in the boot box, retrieves the ipad, and reads the message.

I'm sorry OP but this is, to me at least, very serious. This is a sustained abuse of your privacy. I think his jealousy is much worse than you imagine. I would not be able to stay with someone like this.

Do you think he would get the irony of the fact that he has broken your trust by hiding your iPad, lying about it and reading your messages behind your back because he doesn't trust you?

In fairness if he's given the OP no other reason to think he's a bad partner, then I think OP should confront him but I certainly don't think the relationship is necessarily over

It's obviously his issue and it sounds like he knows this! He is being unreasonable and hopefully he'll just be very ashamed and never pull a stunt like this again. OP, I think some posters are being a little unfair and too quick to blame him, especially given you sound as if you just wanted a rant, not to be told to LTB

I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel a bit sick now tbh. Before I posted this I was just vaguely thinking what a wanker. I know he is insecure. We've talked about it so many times. I get that it might be difficult for him that ex is still in my life. But he has no right to invade my privacy like this.

So many things make sense now, things that he had been dropping into conversation that I thought were weird. Its all stuff he had obviously been getting from my texts to ex and mates.

I would say nothing for now. but I would:

Put a passcode on the iPad meaning he can no longer access it.
Change your apple password just in case he does manage to access the iPad, then he won't get to access the messages.

And then you need to change all your passwords on every account you have. email/fb/twitter/everything else which your dp has potential to access via that iPad or via any other means.

And then you need to make plans to end the relationship.

I have been there, and the feeling of violation is horrible. In my case, my ex knew my passwords because we had no secrets. So he used them to add all my accounts to his own phone, then he used remote access to check up on me while I was on the pc, he tracked my phone through iTunes then gaslighted me into believing I had been seen by someone he knew, and accused me of lying because I didn't know the name of the place I was at. Thing is, I didn't have anything to hide, and much of what I talked about I told him about anyway but it wasn't enough.

After I realised what he was doing I changed all my passwords and eventually the guilt got to him and he confessed. He knew I knew by virtue of the fact I'd changed my passwords iyswim. but he still constantly tried to find ways to check up on what I was doing, including putting a voice-activated app on his phone and then leaving it in the house to see who I was talking to when he wasn't there.

The relationship didn't end for several years after that, and even now years on I am still paranoid that he might be checking up on what I'm doing, even though I don't really care because I still have nothing to hide.

Please leave now, the paranoia never goes away once you discover that you are being watched.

OP, I really feel for you and I think it's not right that posters here are making you doubt yourself... It sounds like you were very annoyed but not necessarily continuing drastic action

Obviously what he did was unacceptable but if everything else is going okay at this point, have a serious talk with him and strongly consider counselling. But don't do something rash like kick him out if your heart's not in it; everyone's different and I think some posters are projecting based on their own personal experiences.

Good luck OP

considering drastic action

I don't usually reply to these sorts of threads, because the ins and outs are usually very complicated. However, I just had to say in this case, I could never trust this guy again. He stole your iPad, and used it to spy on you. That is beyond creepy and screwed up. If it was me, the iPad would not be the only thing I'd be showing him this evening - he's also be shown the door with his packed bags. Behaviour like this doesn't get better by having it out with him or trying to understand where he's coming from - this is deep set, manipulative behaviour. He will only find other ways of checking up on you, can you really live like that? He needs help, seriously.

My first reaction is:

what's he up to that makes him so suspicious? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Sorry, but I'd put money he can't be trusted.

mojito - nobody is going to kick a partner out based on nothing more than some random strangers on the Internet, so don't worry!

On the other hand, your 'stand by your man' stance is arguably equally as questionable.

What this guy has done is serious deal-breaker territory.

Wow, I would be livid. I thought you were going to say reading your messages as they flash up on your phone or somehting. This is completley different and I think I would be reconsidering the relationship. He stole your ipad ffs and used it to spy on you!

I would be tempted to tell him you have found the iPad in a completely different place. He will know that you know but how could he challenge you without confessing?

Seriously, you say you are in the process of buying a house together. You really need to be sure you have resolved things before taking that step.

I have a friend who had a similar issue. He never saw a therapist, they just rowed.
Last year she found hidden cameras all over the house, and hours of recordings of her and her friends (jncluding me) all saved on his computer. It was absolutely sickening, obviously for her but also for all of her friends - we all used to camp out in her conservatory and have good old whinges about work/boyfriends etc.
Needless to say she kicked him out and they are divorced now.

I'd not say anything, leave the ipad where it is, just stop the syncing - it will drive him mad trying to figure out why the messages aren't coming though and he won't be able to say a word to you without coming clean about spying on you :) Watch him squirm!

mojitomother we're not talking about someone who has just read his partner's texts here. If he had e.g. been reading them on her phone when she was in the shower then that would be something which IMO they could get past.

But he stole the iPad, kept it under the bed so he could look at it at his leisure, all the while allowing the op to believe it was lost, even going so far as to help her look for it. I believe in abuse terms they call that gaslighting.

And then he has been asking the op questions based on things that are written in her texts, or making comments based on things he could only know from the texts he's read. even if he vowed never to do it again, the reality is that op would never know whether he was trying to find ways to check up on her.

I am that people even think this is just a bad judgement on his part. It is deliberat, it's calculated and manipulative. And the feeling of being watched doesn't go away even if you put steps in place to prevent it.

Trufflethewuffle"I would be tempted to tell him you have found the iPad in a completely different place. He will know that you know but how could he challenge you without confessing?"

That's just playing games. The OP needs to have this out with her DP in a straightforward way, although I do admit to liking shiteforbrains's method of telling him she's on to him. Then they need a serious discussion.

My arsehole DP has taken it upon himself to invade my privacy and show his complete lack of trust and respect for me and our relationship in general by reading all of my messages. Just to warn you unless he gets on his hands and knees and apologises and swers never to do it again I will be needing a wingman while I find his replacement

THIS ^

No, it's not on at all. He is clearly very insecure. Funnily enough, I noticed that my STBXH's texts started to get really nasty and rude (we are going back a bit here) and then I found out that very insecure OW was monitoring everything, their I-thingy's were all synched. Sorry, that's just weird and a huge invasion of privacy. Unfortunately, partly because of that ridiculous behaviour by her my husband and I are now "no-contact". I always knew if she wasn't around because he took a much softer tone. Good luck with that relationship is all I can say...!

You really need to address this with your DP and find out why the hell he thinks this is acceptable and why you shouldn't be communicating about your children with your ex.

Gruntfuttock (iPad wanted to change that to grunt futons for some reason) yes I think you are right. I guess I just think that to me this would mean the relationship was pretty much over so what the hell.

I can't see how I could trust my DH again if I found he had done this.

Good luck OP.