To expect DP not to read my text messages

[Hiddenipad]

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

Don't lower yourself to playing games. That makes you as bad as each other. Tell him exactly how this makes you feel and pay careful attention to his reaction.

It was certainly more than just being nosy - if that were all it was then he wouldn't have hidden the iPad and lied to you about it.

Definitely did the right thing by telling him straight that you'd found out.

OP well done, only you can decide what to do next but good luck with things. Agree with others in that I hope he's apologetic and understands the extent of his berhaviour when he gets home. It's obviously a good sign that he apologised earlier and I'm sorry about his past relationship, how awful for him. I'm not sure this is my place to suggest it, but has he considered therapy/counselling? He's obviously scarred by previous events (who wouldn't be) and it may do him good to talk through them and finally let go

He'd have a serious amount of work to do to make this up. He was in an abusive relationship and I'm sure that's had a knock on effect on his behaviour but that is no excuse for his being a creepy stalker.

He needs to address his issues. A grovelling apology would cut no ice with me.

I think you just have to be totally honest about how you feel and what this had done to your relationship.
Find out what he intends to do to sort out his insecurities.
Is he having counselling?
Has he ever had counselling?
It's very telling that he stayed in an abusive relationship for 3 years.
I think he needs some serious help.
BUT... he needs to take the responsibility and get that help.
Don't you be doing it for him.
He investigates and he gets the help he needs.
I really hope it works out OP.
It is a massive thing and deal breaker for some but I don't think it would be for me.
He's good in every other aspect so think long and hard about the outcome you want from this.

Insecure, obsessive behaviour. On the positive side, he came out with it straight away and admitted what he'd done. The fact he brought the iPad into the conversation first, rather than pretending he had no idea what op was pissed off about indicates that he feels guilty about what he's been doing and it has been playing on his mind. He knows he's done wrong. Now what will he suggest to put things right?

The man needs therapy. He's clearly very damaged by his abusive relationship but it's his responsibility to make sure that doesn't impact on you. He needs to seek help immediately, that would be my condition of forgiving him

As you have given him no cause for concern, it is likely that he has done this because he wants to find out if you're aware of any anomalies in his behaviour, because he's up to something.

It's very calculated. Hiding the iPad, letting you look for it everywhere etc. What's he up to?

I think you handled it well, given the circumstances. He didn't only find the Ipad though, he hid it too! And deceived you when you were looking for it.

There's a lot going on in his head. Has he sought help for the affects of the abusive relationship? Do you feel the relationship is worth working through?

Not that you need answers for all this yet, but have every right to feel betrayed, very badly betrayed. And hurt, and angry.

Put a code on the iPad.

Put it back in the box.

Wait and see what happens

Please don't just be placated with 'sorry'. However his past may have affected him, this is still not something that a partner in a trusting and healthy relationship does.

He needs to commit to understand why he did it, and make the changes you need.

Weathergames what would be the point of that? She's already told him she knows.

slow clap for weathergames

No idea what I'm going to say later

I would suggest very, very little. I am not advocating the "silent treatment" but I would ask him to explain his actions and say as little as possible until he is done. If he is lying his ass off or justifying his actions in any way then you know where you stand, he's not sorry at all and will do it again just do his best not to get caught and possibly revert to the type of pure stalking behaviours that a previous poster has listed.

Then tell him how he has made you feel.

If you can possibly arrange for all three children to be somewhere else overnight then I would do that. It sends a clear message that you are taking this very seriously and it's a deal breaker for you.

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/06/silence-the-secret-communication-tool/
negotiationexpertise.com/reni-blog/negotiation-tactic-silence/

I'm sorry this has happened OP. It's very shitty.

Based on your last update about his abusive ex I think he definitely needs counselling. My advice would be to insist on that.

of course he's apologised. He's been caught red-handed and confronted. Fwiw my ex apologised as well. In fact he admitted it of his own accord because I'd changed the passwords and at the time didn't know how to confront him. It took him a week to finally come clean. like the op's dp, my ex was making reference to things he could only have known from my pm's, which is why I became suspicious and changed my passwords.

Even after that though he went to every length possible to try to gain access to anything I was doing online. I had nothing to hide, yet I felt I had to hide everything because I wasn't entitled to privacy. There is a vast difference between being given access to someone's messages (my now dp has access to my phone etc) and actually using that information.

IMO so many people on here are more accepting of the op's dp's actions because snooping is seen as the norm on here. I've regularly seen posts from people encouraging posters to gain access to their partner's mobile, change the number, get a good look at his texts, etc, all of which is understandable if you suspect they're having an affair, but actually if you're not, then it is threatening and creepy and pretty nasty actually.

And the lack of trust issue isn't the op's to be accountable for or to make excuses for. This man has gaslighted the op into thinking the iPad had gone missing, has quizzed her about things in messages he would already have known, so essentially trying to trip her up.

This isn't randomly looking at a few text messages, this is a calculated attempt to constantly check up on what the op is doing, while making her believe that the iPad was lost. How far is it ok to go then? Camera's like the friend of another PP? following her if she goes out? recording her conversations? if looking at her texts isn't that big a deal where should we draw the line in terms of at which point it would be suggested she ltb?

Jeez. You must feel incredibly angry. You are very sensible to maintain a civil relationship with your ex given that you share children, and your partner is completely out of order.

I hope you get the answers you deserve tonight.

This isn't randomly looking at a few text messages, this is a calculated attempt to constantly check up on what the op is doing

Yes it's stalking. Just as creepy as someone drilling a hole through the attic floor and spying.

Apologies I had missed that you have already told him OP which was the mature option.

I unsynced my iPad from my phone because OH could and did read my messages .

Based on your last update about his abusive ex I think he definitely needs counselling. My advice would be to insist on that.

Agreed. Don't let it go.

Callme makes good points, actually.

The more I think about this the more disturbed I get.

Poor OP.

I think you've done the right thing by being open and direct with him - you're modelling the behaviour you want him to emulate.

I think you have an opportunity here to properly address the issue. Tell him that you are going into couples counselling as soon as possible and that's a deal breaker - he either agrees or he's gone.

My XH was exactly like this, except I didn't catch on until too late. He followed me when I was out without him and paid someone to follow me when he was working abroad. Even today, 25 years after our divorce, I have moments when something will come to me that can only be explained by him having had me under surveillance. Needless to say he was constantly unfaithful - but I had no idea about that either, being too busy fending off all sorts of accusations myself. I'm convinced that he sabotaged our contraception when I unexpectedly conceived DS1 less than a year after we were married.

Nip this in the bud because I guarantee if you don't it will escalate. He will keep pushing the boundaries until you don't know whether you're coming or going.

I'm now being spammed with messages from him. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. Are you going to leave? I'm really sorry. Please talk to me. Why aren't you replying? Please don't leave i'm sorry. And then randomly 'shall I get something nice in for dinner, what would you like?'