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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP not to read my text messages

290 replies

Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 09:53

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Weathergames · 24/09/2015 12:30

He's panicking -

not emptying the bank account Hmm

jay55 · 24/09/2015 12:34

I really hope he was just reading messages and not sending any.

ouryve · 24/09/2015 12:35

He's clearly not ready for the commitment that buying a house together involves. He's got such a lot to work on. His trust issues may stem from that past relationship or they may go much further back. He really does need professional help with that.

Weathergames · 24/09/2015 12:38

They have a child together don't they? That's a bigger commitment than buying a house?!

Ememem84 · 24/09/2015 12:39

Surely if he was sending messages they'd be synced too?

BathshebaDarkstone · 24/09/2015 12:51

I had a DP like this, iPad's didn't exist then, but he accused me of shagging my New Deal advisor, my manager on my placement, and constantly rang my mobile when I was on my placement, stalked me on a girls' night out etc. To use an MN cliché, LTB.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 12:54

He hasn't been sending messages, that would sync with my phone too.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 24/09/2015 12:57

drylon you've been watching too many films dear. emptying the bank account? really...

I think most of the advice on here is extreme to say the least - he read your messages which on MN seem an OK thing to do - the issue for me would be hiding the ipad and saying he didn't know where it was. it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but I would be angry with him however if his last relationship was as bad as it sounds like then I think I would have to cut him some slack but he should get help about his insecurity.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 24/09/2015 12:57

I think you need to ask yourself what else would he do, and would you be willing to live with it. Do you believe his version of events, that he only recently found it, or do you think the references have been going on a lot longer?

Have you got a tracker on your phone? How do you access the internet?

How do you think he can prove that this was an aberration and that it won't happen again?

The avalanche of messages seems to hint that they need to have you under a sort of control and they are scared that they will lose that.

I am reluctant to add to the suggestions of game playing, but I suggest that you ask him for a little space, just to leave you alone and let you work out what you want. First of all, I think you need that space. The way he reacts to that request and whether he respects it will also tell you a lot about how easy it will be to salvage anything.

tbh it would be a deal breaker for me - not necessarily the checking (though I would be unimpressed) but the references, the checking and the hidden iPad. Good luck

BathshebaDarkstone · 24/09/2015 13:00

OP does your DP's name begin with M and did he used to live in Mexico? He sounds scarily like my XP.

TheEmmaDilemma · 24/09/2015 13:04

He's in panic mode.

Remain calm. One response, "we will discuss this later face to face".

We've all done stupid things. I know I have. It's a huge breach of trust. You need to understand his reasoning's and you need to ensure he understands how utterly wrong his actions were, and that they cannot be repeated. And he probably needs some help and counselling.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 24/09/2015 13:07

Is he reading mn?

I think suggesting counselling to help him.

I think I'd have to make light of it rather than go nuts - as essentially although it's bad - it's actually a bit sad. Somewhere along the way he's been broken, maybe a past relationship - and he knows he can trust you but he's still not sure. Calm reassurance, a hug and a "please feel free to keep the iPad under the bed if it makes you feel better, a but I really am committed" - comment surely would be better ?! Just my opinion !!

I think this was good advice actually. Certainly better than hasty decisions and packing his bags or playing games with him by hiding it with the code etc.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 24/09/2015 13:07

Buy a cheapo pay as you go phone from Tesco (£10 or so). Have fun texting odd things to yourself.

Payg: status?
IPhone: the Eagle has landed

Payg: alert. Condition orange.
IPhone: copy that

Payg : GPS coordinates for somewhere in the North Sea
IPhone: package delivered

Keep this shit up until he confronts you. Show him Payg phone and laugh in his face.

Cherrybakewells1 · 24/09/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuttonDressedAsGoose · 24/09/2015 13:08

Oh should have rtft.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 13:11

If i'm logged into MN on his phone and change my password here will it log me out on his phone? I used his phone a few weeks ago to MN in the car when mine was dead. No idea if he realises or not but could possibly still be logged in on his phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 13:12

No name doesn't start with M.

He is in full on panic mode. Its pissing me off because i've text and asked him to leave me alone and he won't, its just made him panic and text more.

OP posts:
TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 24/09/2015 13:16

No, AFAIK you'll still be logged in. Maybe try changing your password, that might work - does anyone else know?

squoosh · 24/09/2015 13:20

Calm reassurance, a hug and a "please feel free to keep the iPad under the bed if it makes you feel better, a but I really am committed" - comment surely would be better

Really? You'd tell him to keep checking reading the text messages if it made him feel better?

What will that achieve?

ScandiCinnamon · 24/09/2015 13:23

Tell him you need some space and that you are going to turn your phone off for a while.

If one is feeling insecure in a relationship (rightly or wrongly) and also is the jealous type then I think it is easy to check your DPs phone/iPad if you have the ability to do so. Personally I think it is wrong, but I have many friends who do it and they are not insane controlling bunny boilers.

Way forward if you want to stay together; counselling for him on his own for a while and you as a couple.

aoife24 · 24/09/2015 13:32

That would really upset, like being spied on. I'd have to talk to him about what his concerns with me being in contact with my ex over the children we have together are. It's a matter of respect and trust.

needastrongone · 24/09/2015 13:33

Hidden He really needs to respect your wishes at this time. You've asked him to leave you alone and he hasn't, for me, whatever the long term implications, that's very telling.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 24/09/2015 13:39

How can you work out what you need to fix this if he won't let you have head space?

It is a big deal. Not just because of the checking, but all the games around it and the full on messages now.

How is his relationship with your family and your friends? Does he feel threatened by them?

TattieHowkerz · 24/09/2015 13:42

If you've changed you password you'll be logged out on his phone.

TenForward82 · 24/09/2015 13:43

He is in full on panic mode. Its pissing me off because i've text and asked him to leave me alone and he won't, its just made him panic and text more.

Wow, more lack of respect for your wishes. He's really digging a hole here.