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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP not to read my text messages

290 replies

Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 09:53

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 24/09/2015 10:57

A relationship is a complicated thing, of course it's not as easy as "leave him". However, pretending not to see the iPad, stop it synching, 'making him pay' - these only deals with the symptoms, not the actual problem. He has to use this as a turning point, in my opinion, and seek serious help for his jealousy issues - again I will say that this is not something that can be sorted by talking it out. He's obviously seen for months that there's nothing 'going on', yet he can't seem to stop looking through messages, or give the OP her very expensive bit of tech back. He's obviously somewhat addicted to spying on her, and doesn't trust her. And now she has had her trust broken in him. Things will have to be rebuilt from the foundations if they are going to work again.

OnePlanOnHouzz · 24/09/2015 10:58

I think I'd have to make light of it rather than go nuts - as essentially although it's bad - it's actually a bit sad. Somewhere along the way he's been broken, maybe a past relationship - and he knows he can trust you but he's still not sure. Calm reassurance, a hug and a "please feel free to keep the iPad under the bed if it makes you feel better, a but I really am committed" - comment surely would be better ?! Just my opinion !!

Bolograph · 24/09/2015 10:59

when switched on the messages would have said unread.

Assuming this is iMessage, the "read" status is propagated over all devices: you read it on one, and they're marked as read on the others and on the iMessage servers. And iMessage messages are synched when the device comes up.

I don't have the inclination to test it, but I'm pretty certain that if you switched an iPad off, put it in a box, waited a month and then turned it on, amongst the things it would do as it was coming up would be synch the iMessage history, and they would all be marked read if they had been read once. Certainly, the three devices on my desk synch'd to my iMessage account (a) contain all the messages and (b) show them as marked read, even though in practice I don't use the third for any messaging.

MotherOfFlagons · 24/09/2015 11:00

I would be livid if DH did this to me. In fact, he did do something similar once and I was livid, but he admitted it to me and we had a discussion about why he was doing it. He accepted that even if he did feel insecure (long story, not for this thread), breaching my privacy was not the way to deal with it. He has never done it again.

I probably wouldn't LTB over it (at least not immediately) because as others have said, the backstory is always more complex than it seems from one para. But I would certainly have it out with him and it would be made clear that it was totally unacceptable.

I think I'd base my future reaction on how he behaved during that discussion and his subsequent behaviour.

Draylon · 24/09/2015 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

callmemaybe · 24/09/2015 11:03

shiteforbrains I do agree re the obsession to want to check, however the making the op believe the iPad was missing, even to the point of helping her look for it goes way beyond just a compulsion to keep checking, especially given he's been mentioning things which could relate to messages she has sent.

CrapBag · 24/09/2015 11:05

When there is no trust there is no relationship in my eyes. It's that simple.

I'd be livid, especially as he helped you look for it and has been using the messages to check with you on conversations you have been having. So its not even just your ex he's checking on, it's your friends as well so he doesn't trust you at all. You have children together, of course you need to speak to your ex.

I wouldn't be able to trust him again and he clearly doesn't trust you so that would be it for me.

ExitPursuedByABear · 24/09/2015 11:07

It is a twattish thing to do

BUT

Do not be swayed by some people's feelings on here.

Go with your own gut instinct.

You know him, we do not.

shiteforbrains · 24/09/2015 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lancelottie · 24/09/2015 11:12

Would you walk away from a friend who was doing stupid dishonest things to you, though, Shite?

CatThiefKeith · 24/09/2015 11:16

I would go berserk. Dh can be insecure, he knows all my passwords, except MN and I know his. I have no idea if he ever looks at my email or fb, but if he did I have nothing to hide. I don't htink he has though, not for years and years.

If however, he stole the ipad, gaslighted me, then tried to bring up things he had read whilst snooping in an underhand attempt to trip me up on something then I would go totally batshit.

I sure as hell wouldn't be buying a house with him. Out of interest op do you have access to his messages/fb/email? That level of jealousy would have me wondering if he was jusdging me on his own standards tbh.

NameChange30 · 24/09/2015 11:19

I don't think you should necessarily LTB immediately (unless there are other issues you haven't mentioned) but I do think you should stop the house purchase or at the very least put it on hold. For me trust, respect and privacy are deal breakers so this issue needs to be resolved before you make the huge commitment of buying a house together. In your position I would be livid and would insist on counselling, possibly individual counselling for him as well as couple's counselling. If he wasn't apologetic and willing to do counselling, that would be the end I'm afraid.

SurlyValentine · 24/09/2015 11:20

Wow, that is some seriously fucked up behaviour.

I love shiteforbrains's idea, but it is game-playing and this has gone beyond games. I would be waiting until he got home, greeting him at the front door with the iPad and asking him for a thorough, clear explanation of why it was hidden under his side of the bed, fully charged and when you opened it, it went straight to your text messages.

He needs to commit to getting counselling for his jealousy and lack of trust issues, and, should you want it, couples counselling.

If he won't commit to that, your relationship is pretty much dead in the water.

shiteforbrains · 24/09/2015 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/09/2015 11:23

oneplan that's the worst advice ever

radiohelen · 24/09/2015 11:28

My thoughts - given with love, none taken if you choose to disregard.

He needs some kind of professional help to deal with his jealousy/spying issues. Like Houzz says above, somewhere down the line he's been broken.
As a result should probably both go for some couple counselling before you buy a house/commit further. Explore where the lines in the sand are and what you would like your relationship to look like.
I don't think a big row is going to help anyone. This situation sounds to me more sad than angry.
You two need a really serious talk, the sooner the better. Get the kids out of the house for a bit and sort it.

CloakAndJagger · 24/09/2015 11:32

There's nothing reason to be anything but straight with this.

Tell him you found the iPad the other day. You know he's been checking on your messages and that it's not on. He has to stop it.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/09/2015 11:37

Bloody hell OP that is very creepy. I would so be inclined to send shite's text to be honest and see what happens

squoosh · 24/09/2015 11:38

Behaviour like that would give me the absolute creeps and my fury would be immense.

RockinHippy · 24/09/2015 11:39

He's bang out of order!!!

I would have his balls in a vice, silly insecure little man Angry for you

I'm with shite though perhaps go a bit further & have some text you a few penis enlargement ads too

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 11:44

Ok well he now knows. He called to see if something in the post had arrived and I told him. He knew something was up and asked what was wrong. I said "before you think about lying bare in mind I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't already know". He immediately said "this is about the iPad?" I asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing and he said he was sorry, he'd found the iPad a few weeks ago and my texts were all on it and he'd just got caught up in it and knew he was being nosy. I said it was way beyond being nosy, breach of trust, weird and fucking creepy and I'd never given him reason to not trust me. He said I know I know I'm sorry. I said I'm not talking about it on the phone, we'll talk later and then hung up.

No idea what I'm going to say later. What a mess.

Sorry if post is all a bit of a mess.

OP posts:
glasgowlass · 24/09/2015 11:47

Oh OP!
I can't imagine what you're feeling, however if it were me his bags would be packed. He has been conniving, gas lighting & beyond creepy. This would be a deal breaker for me. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Flowers

Gruntfuttock · 24/09/2015 11:47

Well, I'm glad it's out in the open now. So sorry this has happened, OP.

Original poster
Hiddenipad · 24/09/2015 11:47

His last relationship was shit yes (not that it excuses anything). His ex was abusive and regularly kicked the shit out of him. He has a big scar on his neck where she kicked him in the face with stilettos on whilsthe was asleep on the sofa. I know this is true as I've seen the photos/police report. She admitted it and they broke up, but after about 3 years of the abuse.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 24/09/2015 11:49

hidden I think you did the right thing, all the game-playing suggestions on here are ridiculous. This needs to be confronted, if he's sorry and changes his behaviour then you know he had a lapse and was behaving like a jealous twat. If he carries on THEN you should LTB. His dropping stuff into conversation is worrying though, that's a level of gloating I'd be very uncomfortable with.

Hope he's suitably apologetic when he comes home.