To expect DP not to read my text messages

[Hiddenipad]

We've been together four years. 1 DC. I have 2 DC with my ex husband, divorced 6 years ago.

DP has always disliked the fact that ex is still in my life to the degree of being pleasant at drop offs, texting re kids, being at school stuff, birthdays etc. We don't communicate for any reason other than the DC but DP has expressed his dislike of us texting/phoning each other. DP does have a jealous streak which he knows I won't pander to and it has got better over the last few years.

About a month ago the iPad went missing. We searched high and low and couldn't find it. The iPad is connected to my account and all texts from my phone also go to the iPad via iMessage.

I've just been doing a deep clean in our bedroom and found the iPad, fully charged under DPs side of the bed hidden inside a boot box. All the text messages from the last month have been read. He's clearly hidden the iPad and been checking on all the messages going to and from my phone since it went missing. If it had just happened to be under there it would've been dead by now and when switched on the messages would have said unread.

I thought something weird was going on as last night he went to bed early and ex text me to ask how a school open evening for DD had gone. I text back and said oh not bad, think we are too far out of catchment though. That was the end of the conversation. Ten minutes later DP comes downstairs and says 'oh have you spoken to ex about the open evening?' which was weird in itself. He was obviously trying to see if I would lie? about having text him.

AIBU to think this is way out of fucking line and rip his head off when he gets home? I've never done anything to make him think I am untrustworthy. Ex has a long term partner and we have both moved on.

WWYD?

It is little wonder that so many people stay in emotionally abusive relationships when people seem to think that the one in the wrong should be excused on the basis of previous issues. Saying that op should tell him that if he wants to keep the iPad under the bed to make him feel better, really?

This man has been stalking his partner's online activity. Would it be ok to do that to a friend? a neighbour? a random person you happened to encounter?

Sometimes we need to take account of someone's previous issues, but the way to deal with them is not to just pander to them. If he has insecurities then he talks about them, it's not ok to play mind games with the op and that the op should then be accepting because he had a psycho ex.

Tbh I'd be questioning whether the abuse was all on the ex's side or whether there was more to this.

And I am usually as far from the ltb brigade as they get.

Wow... He's been doing it for weeks?

Can you tell if that is true by checking how long the messages are marked 'read'?

Was he ever going to tell you?

I hope you can find a way past this OP. Its a huge breach of trust.

:If one is feeling insecure in a relationship (rightly or wrongly) and also is the jealous type then I think it is easy to check your DPs phone/iPad if you have the ability to do so. Personally I think it is wrong, but I have many friends who do it and they are not insane controlling bunny boilers." yes, checking texts is one thing. hiding the iPad, making the op believe she had lost it, to the point of helping her look, asking questions about texts just received to see if the answers add up, making reference to things that are read in the texts is quite another.

I have nothing to hide. My texts, fb, phone in general are an open book. Dp would be free to check whenever he liked. Even after everything I went through with my ex I have no need to hide my phone or restrict it with passwords etc because I trust my dp. I have no issue with him picking up my phone for whatever reason e.g. to look at something if his phone isn't to hand etc.

Even if he read a text which popped up it wouldn't bother me. But if he essentially took my iPad, which to all intents and purposes is a duplicate of my phone, hid it from me and then started checking up on my texts and whatever other activity is on there, and started making reference to things contained within that activity, I would wonder why he needed to resort to underhanded tactics rather than have an honest discussion.

What a difficult situation for you, op. He does need counselling to get to the bottom of this. If you do not leave him, you have to really ramp up security settings on all your devices.

Apologising to you is the first step, he also needs to apologise the senders of any communications that he secretly read for breaching their right of privacy, including your ex.

He's fine with my mates and family. It's hard to put a finger on the things I mean when I say he's jealous/insecure. He'll say things like "oh I bet there's some nice men in your class hey" (when I started back at Uni). He says it in a jokey way but I don't think it is, I just answer with a non committal type answer? Or we were watching a programme and he said "everybody working in offices have affairs" (I work in an office when not on mat leave) I said dont be ridiculous and he says I'm only joking why are you taking it so serious? Silly things like that. And constantly inferring that ex and I do stuff together when we don't. Like last night I went to the open evening and he kept saying oh when you are ex are back I'll go to the gym or what time is ex meeting you when I had already told him ex wasn't going. Or a few weeks ago I was going to DS football tournament and ex was going too. DP said "what time are you picking ex up?" Even though he knows we never go together and I've never driven ex anywhere. But the way he says it is just like he's enquiring IYSWIM? I don't know it's hard to explain

And not one paragraph! Sorry

Reading that back sounds like I'm crazy and seeing stuff that isn't there

Just text him 'We will discuss this later. I will not open any more texts from you today. Do not continue to harass me.' Carrying on with anything after your partner asks you to stop is a red flag, and a bit of a clue as to their general personality.

Abusive relationships really can fuck with your head and cause problems years afterwards. Not that that means you should accept what he did. He has grossly invaded your privacy, and just sat back while you looked everywhere for the iPad, because it suited him. (I suspect he was lying about having just found it. It was a pre-prepared excuse to minimize things. Another red flag.)

He definitely needs to seek counselling, for his past and for his current jealousy issues. If I were you, I'd say that is non-negotiable. You shouldn't all have to live with his ghosts/issues. And just keep an eye on him. Watch out for any sign of manipulation, and don't allow him to guilt trip you over things like being amiable with your dc's father. Unfortunately, he may be the type of partner who needs to be put in check on a regular basis.

You don't sound crazy at all. He sounds like he has little to no confidence and as a result is paranoid/jealous that you'll leave him for another man that you're in regular contact with whether that's an ex husband, a colleague, or someone you see at the gym.

That alone sounds very tiring and very tedious but the spying pushes it way beyond tedious.

"Reading that back sounds like I'm crazy and seeing stuff that isn't there."

Ah. Google 'Gaslighting'. It's what he is doing to you.

Sadly OP, I think you are in the early stages of an emotionally abusive relationship. Either leave while you still have your mental health, or get some help. ut please don't brush this under the carpet.

*But

Text him back and say you need some head space, stop messaging, we will talk tonight.

I think it's obvious that he knows he was wrong and he quite clearly is terrified you will leave him.

I'd gently suggest some counselling for his insecurity and self esteem issues to him later as otherwise this could go on again. Also, deal with it and then move on, don't keep dragging it back up at a later date.

Personally...I think he's hoping that by 'casually' inquiring about this stuff you'll be lulled into a false sense of security and think 'oh, well he's pretty ok with me picking up the ex, so I might as well tell him about it'. Then when you 'admit' that you've been with him he will have found out the 'truth' and then it'll really kick off...

That's the vibe I'm getting from your most recent post, anyway.

He already makes me feel guilty for needing to speak with ex. He tries to get me to slag him off subtly. Like saying oh shouldn't ex be doing that or don't you think ex should be paying for that when its stuff that ex and I have already agreed. Ex and his partner went away this summer and DP repeatedly went on about ex not taking the kids and leaving me with them and how it wasn't on etc. it's like he wants me to hate ex.

Ex had an affair and that's why we broke up (I left him). About a year ago I was with DP and some friends in a restaurant we had all been drinking and chatting etc and I said to a mate "oh it was the most embarrassing thing ever" (about something that had happened that week). DP suddenly piped and up and says "oh hidden what more embarrassing than ex having an affair". The whole table just stopped. I left the restaurant and didn't speak to DP for two days. He apologised profusely and said he didn't know why he'd said it it was stupid etc. But I've never forgotten it, it seemed so out of character and was the first time he'd ever slagged ex off.

It is very strange behaviour but it highlights the fact he is insecure for some reason about your ex. I think you should have a proper talk with him about it and ask why he is so worried about it. I think it is out of order to be spying on you but at the same time me and my husband aren't private with our phones etc anyway so he wouldn't have to go to such extremes to read my texts. Jealousy is not a great thing but it probably signals an insecurity about himself rather than a trust issue with you. He doesn't sound like a bad person to be honest and I think it is worth a grown up chat rather than more game playing about where you found the ipad / changing passwords etc.

He sounds like a cock. Trying to keep you in your place by reminding you in front of a crowd as to exactly how your marriage broke down.

You don't sounds crazy. He sounds crazy. And exhausting. I think I would have snapped and told him to shut the fuck up a long time ago now. That's not the right approach, but I think you should challenge him every single time he says something stupid like that.

When he says "everybody cheats", I'd want to ask him a lot of questions. Do you cheat? Did your ex cheat on you? Did your parents cheat? But mainly: Do you really think I'd cheat on you? Why?

He needs help to deal with his issues or its going to cause you a bunch of them.

Is he sorry for hiding the iPad or sorry that he was caught?

Why is he bombarding you with messages after you asked him not to? Understandable if he is panicking, but even so, it's disrespectful of your wishes.

This book is great
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Oh and it would take way more than a nice dinner to make this issue go away.

"Ex had an affair and that's why we broke up (I left him). About a year ago I was with DP and some friends in a restaurant we had all been drinking and chatting etc and I said to a mate "oh it was the most embarrassing thing ever" (about something that had happened that week). DP suddenly piped and up and says "oh hidden what more embarrassing than ex having an affair". The whole table just stopped. I left the restaurant and didn't speak to DP for two days. He apologised profusely and said he didn't know why he'd said it it was stupid etc. But I've never forgotten it, it seemed so out of character and was the first time he'd ever slagged ex off."

OMFG. I had missed this when I just posted. That's absolutely awful. I am inclined to think he is nasty and not "just" jealous and insecure. It's not necessarily out of character, maybe he just hadn't shown you that side of his character before.

Since reading that you told him you found it and his response I've though, as BlahBlah did that his excuse of having found it and got carried away is bullshit. I'd put money on him having hidden it in the first place before helping you look for it. Thing is, that's kind of by the by - he's a liar regardless of whether he took it in the first place or found it and hid it from you. I would massively struggle with this breach of trust but I don't think it's insurmountable. I wouldn't be buying a house with him at the moment, that's for sure!

I wonder what he is like with boundaries generally, as it seems that he's more than a bit lacking - reading your texts, blurting out comments. He's also into full on panic that you might leave him. Does he have other borderline personality traits?

This 'trying to catch you out' stuff with the oh when ids ex picking you up? etc means

a) he really doesn't trust you

and

b) heis totallt obsessed. He obviously thinks about it ALL the bloidy time. At the very least he is unwell and needs some sort of therapy - maybe perhaps cbt to challenge the obsessive thoughts.

But I am not sure he is well enough to be in a relationship. And is he decent enough to accept he has a LOT of work to do before he is fit to live with someone? Or worse, does he just think his obsessions override your feelings.

I do feel for you. What a shock.

I am more worried about you than I was after your last posts hidden. You at least need some space to think. I actually think you sound like a very strong person.

What sonja has just said.