... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

[Loulou000]

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

there is an amazing amount of fear on MN of a child being upset or crying

I agree and it extends to real life. However, whilst I believe it makes children's behaviour less manageable in terms of tantrums and getting what they want, I've not seen any evidence that it produces fearful children.

You don't make children fearful by giving in to crying. If they are crying or distressed in any other way, the fear is already there.

Comments that imply that anxious children are the product of lazy parenting aren't helpful. This is horribly common in schools, in particular, and I think it needs challenging wherever possible.

It's true enough though Goldmandra that dealing with a fearful/anxious child is very hard work.

Your daughter is quite young for CBT, in't she? DS had one bout of CBT at 10 and another at 12, and I remember the therapist saying that 12 was normally the youngest she'd work with for a good chance of success. Hope things improve for her and you.

*in't = isn't. 'Snot another internet meme thing.

But that's the thing.

when they are fine at school and for their dad and every other persons house you have to ask yourself are they really anxious or have they just worked out how to get mummy to do what they want.

it's perfectly possible in nt children it's all just a control/behaviour thing. and the tears and tantrums aren't fear or anxiety but just being pissed off.

I also wonder at times if parents deliberately manufacture the dependence. whether they feel at a loss became child is getting older and more independent or whether following around and banging their child is a way to avoid having to deal with their partners or the free time they would inevitably have.

if you stop a child doing something because you're teh one afraid they light cry or hurt themselves then eventually that child will believe there really is something to be afraid of.

again this isn't about you. clearly there are sone real issues with your dd that you are seeking professional help for.

but there are alot of people who inflict their own issues onto the kids and hinder their physical and emotional development by refusing to take things away or increase expectations or imposing sanctions/discipline.

we have had threads about everything from refusing to remove a dummy to not allowing sleep overs to pissing on teddy bears rather than deal with what they think will be the tantrum or to avoid dealing with the issue behind why the child wont do something.

banging? babying.

Ffs phone

I also often fear for the parebts own sanity as what started out as a simple way to ensure their chikd went to slept or left the house happily becomes a mammoth task witg a million components which can't possibly he kept up with. the parent gets zero sleep and zero life outside their chikd. while some probably like that (and we all have seen the mummy martyrs so let's not deny it happens) others end up on a massive state themselves mentally.

it's not healthy and while I appreciate that others just want yo make people feel better with stories of how their kids are fine now and grew out of it. I do genuinely worry of normalising it like this does more harm.than good.

I agree with you 100% Giles.

Completely agree Giles.

2 of my 3 children do this (10&6). The older one has ASD, the younger one is in the diagnosis process. My middle nt child has no such worries, despite seeing me shepherd the other 2 around, actually now they often accompany each other upstairs which is a plus.

My eldest DD (7) doesn't like going upstairs on her own. She has a lot of anxieties. She is NT as far as I know. Younger DD has no such issues.

Parenting a child with anxiety is very difficult.... you can't be a lazy parent as they are very demanding of time and energy

And yes the parent is almost always blamed for the anxiety. But I have two very different children so I'm convinced there must be a genetic component

The armchair psychology on this thread is concerning.

I've cared for an awful lot of children in addition to my own and I have to say that, in all my years, I've never worked with a parent who was actively trying to maintain their child's dependence on them. I also have to say that children tend to be quite determined about their independence and the vast majority would be kicking and screaming to be allowed to do things alone of the parent was restricting them. If there are parents who manage to infect their children with their own dependence and anxiety, I imagine they are very few and far between and the fact that the child is susceptible to it is probably due to a genetic disposition, meaning they may have been anxious anyway.

It is very easy to see an anxious child and jump to all sorts of ridiculous conclusions about the parenting they experience. In fact that's something that, IME, lazy teachers do all the time. Blaming the parents rather than giving the matter a decent amount of thought saves having to make an effort to put support in place yourself.

Children can appear fine in school but actually find it a very stressful experience, leading to greater dependence and anxiety at home. That isn't a good reason to assume that the child's difficulties are the parents fault.

I would say it's no more concerning than the "diagnoses" people regularly try and pin onto the children which often results in absolving the parents of any responsibility.

instead of confronting the issue many choose to blame another family member for not pandering to ridiculous demands. particularly non resident parents and grandparents who physically cannot abide by the list of "requirements"

That sounds like the "In my day children didn't have special needs. It was all sorted with a smack and bed without any dinner".

It's very easy to judge without knowing all the facts. The problem is it does harm to people who are already having a really tough time.

Who are these people who regularly try to pin diagnoses on children? In my experience (admittedly limited), you're more likely to get plenty of people telling you:
he'll grow out of it,
all children are like that,
you'll never get a diagnosis,
he's just being a boy,
you need to stop pandering to him,
he just needs to learn who's boss,

and so on, ad infinitum, as nauseam.

And if they don't appear fine in school, somehow that's the parents' fault too, Goldmandra. Our school seemed to expect me to remote control the poor lad. Sigh.

Who are these people who regularly try to pin diagnoses on children?

I think it's supposed to be parents who do that to excuse their desire to enable bad behaviour and prevent our children from becoming independent.

Ah, OK. I was reading carelessly, I think.

We have a genuine diagnosis or three here, but they aren't ones we thought up ourselves.

I really think you need to take him to the GP a referral to a psychologist could take months and in that time you could practice some stategies. If they have worked by the time you get your appointment then all is good and you can cancel it. If they haven't then at least you can get some professional advice on how to help him. He's only 7. It must be easier to help with anxious behavious than waiting until he's much older.

Is he too scared to go to the toilet at night? Is that why he's bed wetting? Have you tried a potty in the room for him? I would be scared for his anxieties if he got a bed wetting mat... That bell is very loud and could make things worse, which is another reason to get his fears sorted as soon as you can.

Your poor DS and poor you and your husband. Must be very overwhelming

I had the same fears as a child, even a teen. It was never "pandered to" because I never told my parents. But right up to md teens I was afraid of being attacked by wolves in the middle of the stairs if I went up or down them alone!

Ds is the same. I don't "pander to" him either, but as a child, he often asked me to accompany him, and I sometimes did. As a teenager, particularly after a scary film he still does like me to walk up the stairs with him as far as his bedroom door, and I do it, because he wouldn't ask unless it mattered to him.

I am still afraid of the dark. There is no reason for this, it is innate. I try and be brave about it.

What I am saying OP, is that I don't think these types of fears have particular causes, and it makes very little difference to how long they last, whether you accompany a child or not. I never asked for it, my DS often did, and we both grew out of it by late teens. At least, it is improving in my DS, and looks like it's nearly gone now.

The difference you can make is whether the fear is able to make a child's life miserable, or whether it is just an inconvenience that you laugh about together. DS still asks occasionally, but while laughing at himself.

Well, he definitely has anxiety (whether it's an actual disorder is up for the professionals to decide). I have an anxiety disorder that has been ebbing and flowing since I was a small child. It really didn't get under control until I got some CBT and meds as an adult after it spun out of control into a fit of psychosis from a particularly bad episode.

It's true that "soothing" your anxiety through avoidance makes it worse, but being exposed to too much does too by making you want to avoid it even more to avoid that horrible feeling. That's why I suggest seeing a doctor, as a child he can't tell when to push himself and when to take it easy while he's in the developmental stage of needing parents to keep him safe. As a parent, you're not going to be in position to figure out when he needs pushing and when he doesn't if you're getting frustrated with him (and understandably so).

A doctor will probably have better advice than this thread will, as they have professional experience and will be able to assess your son in person.

Just make sure you don't minimize his behavior. This is a serious problem that needs to be fixed. He's not happy, you're not happy, your husband is not happy. A doctor will be able to give him coping techniques to help him work through his anxiety instead of simply "facing his fears" and forcing him to do something that his brain is telling him will kill him. That way it will cross over to other things he's anxious about, and perhaps he can work through things like incontinence if anxiety is at the source.

I think some of these posts are making rather a lot of fuss about a common, trivial, childhood inconvenience.