... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

[Loulou000]

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

I was like this, but my mum and dad left me to it so I was a bit frightened a lot of the time.

I have ocd and specifically intrusive thoughts. Otherwise I'm totally 'normal'
Worth looking into perhaps?

Your DH does sound very mean.

I don't think you're "pandering" to your child's fears. I think you're being kind and understanding. Your DS will either grow out of this on his own or he will need professional help to do so.

Does he go to any clubs/groups, or on playdates? It sounds like he needs to build up his confidence/independence. If you say you do tend to baby him, and he's still in nappies at night, it would be worth trying to tackle those issues. How independent is he in things like getting dressed/self-care/doing small chores etc? Start to give him more responsibility so he feels a bit 'bigger'/older?

This piece - though about school refusal - has some interesting points. www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/03/aspergers-children-school-refusal.html

Until you have a better sense of why your child is doing what they're doing, it's probably hard to know how to help them forward. I suspect trying to get professional help is going to shed more light than a load of opinionated strangers on the forum

But at the very least, it would be good if you and your partner can agree on a way to manage the situation in the mean time.

I agree that you need to seek professional advice. I assume you've tried home techniques to see if it's a quirk he'll get over in time? Might sound odd but have you tried turning being alone into a game, such as hide and seek? Obviously don't force him, it's just that most kids love hide and seek and I wondered what his reaction is to it?

When you say 'DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things)', do you mean life in general, or impatient with other things about your DS's behaviour?

I think you need to address this as you have identified.

However I think you also need to have a proper conversation with your dh about it and come up with a joint plan. And not neglect that relationship if it is important to you.

My 5 year old went through a 9 month phase of being the same, he still has ups and downs with it now. He wouldn't go anywhere in the house without somebody being with him, he would literally wet himself rather than go to the toilet alone (I'm afraid DH and I both quickly refused to give in to the demands).

Things that finally helped...

Conceding a small amount of what he wanted - so if he wanted someone to come and stand in the tiny downstairs toilet with him, I'd say "No, you pop to the toilet while I get you both a biscuit" - the movement, even if it was in a different direction was enough to get him going.

Having enough lights on around the house. We have our hall and landing lights on constantly, even when it's bright and sunny. Anything to keep the peace....

Working out which tasks are especially tricky - for us it was going to the toilet and going up and down the stairs alone. Finding ways to make those more pleasant and fun (lights, pictures, stickers, torches, anything!!!) was key.

What a lot of incredibly useful thoughts and info.

I am in two minds whether this is just the way DS is and we need to be reassuring and try to help him to overcome his anxieties; or that I need to get some kind of assessment.

How would I do this? GP? In which case, do I take him with me, and have him sit there while I voice these concerns??? SENCO at school? Other? I wouldn't really know where to start. Thanks so much.

Unless this is affecting him at school as well, I wouldn't involve the SENCO (or not yet).
Try the GP, and ask for a chat without your DS first.

Does it affect him at school?

If it was my son, I would ask the school to recommend a play therapist, or get a recommendation from someone you trust. And, after the experience of pp above, get someone with experience of ASD, although your son doesn't have that diagnosis, if he has tendencies then worth having someone who is used to working with students with ASD.

Yes try a GP appointment without him there.

You've put up with it for 7 years, so a few more weeks isn't going to make much difference. I'd try a different approach at home first.

You and your DH need to present an absolutely united front on this. You need to be clear that there is nothing to be worried about and carry on normal activity without behaving as if there is. However, at the same time you want to talk to your DS about his fears so he can work through them for himself and hopefully come out the other side.

If that doesn't work, I'd make a GP appointment.

I'm a GP - your son needs to see his doctor and I would push for a CAMHS referral. Your husband's attitude isn't helping, but surely you can see that this is not normal for his age. You can drop the GP a letter/email to the practice email address in advance if you want.

I do think I have taken this behaviour too much for granted, and all these perspectives have made me see that this needs tackling.

But as Pounding says, I think it's worth trying concertedly to tackle at home, before jumping to the conclusion that DS has any actual SN or issues that need medical intervention. Now that I've calmed down a bit, I don't think he does.

BTW after reading everything here I took the bull by the horns and sat DH down for a chat, which went really well, and we now have a united front and a policy that there is nothing to be scared of but we will be as reassuring as we can and encourage DS as much as possible to do things by himself and gradually increase his range. We'll see how that goes.

There were parts of my house I was a bit scared in growing up (corridor to the bathroom at night and a spare room we rarely used). I grew up to be perfectly normal. However, I didn't have to have someone come with me to those rooms - I just ran through them and felt scared. I think that feeling scared is ok, and not something you always have to protect your child from (assuming it is not outright terror producing tears).

What is wrong with seeking medical advice? It might simply be a MH issue with which you and he need external assistance. Best to seek initial advice from your GP who have some distance and are professionally qualified to make judgments on when assessments of help are needed.

Thank you whoever recommended the anxiety book way back in the thread, it looks great and I just ordered it xx

Utterly weird behaviour of son and perfectly normal of father - no parent I know would dream of accompanying a 7 year old down stairs! The boy needs immediate therapy.

I don't think it's helpful to describe a child's fears as 'utterly weird'. Their behaviour is their chosen/best way of coping with a world that they do find difficult. (Lots of people on Mumsnet have all sorts of fears. They won't touch chicken, They won't let other people use their toilets. They will only sleep in their own bed. That sort of thing.) 'Immediate therapy' is in very short supply in the UK. This thread has made me think about my elderly mother who has always been extremely anxious. If you accept her world view and her self-imposed limitations it feels like colluding with false ideas. But if you challenge her, however gently, it seems to raise the anxiety and make her dig in more deeply.

I think it is particularly hard for family members to change something that is stuck in this way. Getting a skilled sympathetic person from outside involved may well be the solution

goblinhat "OP is your son also your DH's?"

The OP said in her second post that her DH IS her son's biological father.

OP, your pandering to this for 7 years has reinforced the behaviour in your son. It really has to stop and I don't blame your DH at all.

Well, they are where they are - not fair to demand that the DC is forced to change imo. Especially as we don't know the cause.

What about finding some nice little favourite toys - lego characters/ dinosaurs/ teddies/ tank engines and giving them cosy 'homes' in dark corners of the house eg one on the landing, one in the bathroom, one by the bedroom door etc then he can say hello/ wave to them/ tell you what they are doing (imagination needed here) or whatever when he passes them. That might reassure him and he isn't alone !!

I was a very anxious child. Being on my own wasn't an issue, but I did get very nervous about other stuff. My mum gave me a little charm type thing that I could hold in my pocket for when I felt nervous. My mum said that whenever I felt nervous then to hold my charm and think of my mum and things she'd said. Sort of to ground me back to reality. It wasn't foolproof, but gave me some confidence to face me fears in baby steps. I guess it's a sort of mindfulness type of approach....although I think my mum was just struggling to think of anything that might help.

We've used a similar thing for my 7yo for nightmares when he went through a stage of getting upset at the thought that he was going to have bad dreams. So he was a little 'dreamcatcher' (small plastic box!) that my DH puts happy thoughts into every night to ward away the nightmares. Really helped my DS.

Maybe something similar for your DS might help? You can get worry dolls in a little pouch and he could put them in his pocket and then if he's alone upstairs he can feel that he has those and think of you. Or a keyring with your face on it?

i take it he is an only child? as i cant see how you can spend your life following a 7 year old around the house if there are other children to look after.
before jumping to the SN conclusion - what is he like at school? at friends or relatives houses? in new places? is he anxious all the time wherever he goes or just at home? is he still highly anxious when at home alone with your dh?
Do you think he could simply be playing up to you? and does it because he gets away with it? typical toddler behaviour that he's never grown out of because he's never been made to?
I don't agree with the way your dh reacts but I completely agree with him, it is not normal for a 7 year old to throw such huge tantrums just because his mums left the room! how does he go to the toilet during the day? how do you go to the toilet without him??
Definitely visit GP, and make an appointment with his school to discuss his behaviour there. He is in school for 6hours a day so the teacher should have picked up any unusual attitudes or anxieties too.