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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

196 replies

Loulou000 · 23/09/2015 19:03

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 23/09/2015 21:01

It's not the particular anxiety. It's the inflexibility and the strength of the reaction.

Lancelottie · 23/09/2015 21:04

My point though wasn't that he is likely to have autism but that you can't rule it out on the casual opinion of a friendly ed psych.

Handywoman · 23/09/2015 21:08

Completely and utterly agree with Lancelottie. It's the strength of reaction and inflexibility and the effects on the family. Ed Psych are not very knowledgeable about diagnosing ASD.

sleeponeday · 23/09/2015 21:10

DS gets like this. DH finds it incredibly annoying, too. DS is diagnosed, but anxiety isn't of itself necessarily because of ASD, is it? My understanding is it can be a standalone condition. I don't know much about it other than in spectrum terms, but obviously adults can have anxiety independently, so maybe that is a possibility?

Have you asked if he can be assessed by a neurodevelopmental paediatrician, just to talk through things?

Does he have any other ASD traits - any rituals or obsessive interests, or is he very sensitive to fabrics, touch generally, sound, tastes - that sort of thing?

sleeponeday · 23/09/2015 21:12

It must be incredibly hard on you, too, OP. You can't have a whole lot of time alone and you must need massive reserves of patience.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/09/2015 21:16

Does this anxiety manifest itself in similar ways at school?

I think the video is an excellent idea and fantastic that it worked.

I would strongly recommend a play therapist to spend some time with him to ascertain the root of the anxiety and work with you to resolve it.

Original poster
Loulou000 · 23/09/2015 21:43

Oh I have talked to him a lot, of course I have - he says that he doesn't know why he's scared. He does sleep in his room on his own, but only by burying his head in the pillow so he can't see anything. He's done this for years, and also sleeps with lots of lights on.

I need to go to GP then, don't I.

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 23/09/2015 21:45

My ds7 displays exactly the same behaviour as your son Op.

My son was diagnosed with ASD in May. Hes very intelligent. He is empathetic. Hes kind. Butbhe suffers from extreme anxiety which manifests as aggression. I hate the way people have such stereotypical views on people with ASD/Aspergers.

My son had play therapy for 18 months but became worse as the play therapist didnt understand ASD.

She insisted he couldn't be Autistic as he could identify his feelings.
The EP said he probably eoukdnt get a diagnosis as he was to high functioning.

Good job I have the knowledge I do or he'd have been left struggling with no understanding from the people around him.

He started his new school on Monday. An independent Autistic Specific school. That was my motivation to get him diagnosed.

PeppasNanna · 23/09/2015 21:48

Its time to get your child the help he needs & deserves.

Its hard for you, I know only too well but this isnt about you or your dh. Its about your ds.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/09/2015 22:03

peppa that's such a shame about your play therapist :(

The play therapists I have come across all have backgrounds in SEN and have worked in SEN schools, I'm really surprised that someone could work as a something like a play therapist that is obviously going to come across children with SEN and not have separate qualifications in that.

OP a good, recommended play therapist should be able to work with your son, and they are able to 'discuss without asking' to uncover the triggers for the anxiety.

I would ask if the school could refer him to one, or if they could recommend one for you to use privately.

PeppasNanna · 23/09/2015 22:09

The play therapist was from CAFOD. We accessed the therapy through ds former mainstream school.

I was naive enough to think any therapy was good therapy...

He will receive counselling in his new school.

Scarydinosaurs · 23/09/2015 22:28

As in the Catholic Children's Society?

Scarydinosaurs · 23/09/2015 22:29

Catholic Action For Overseas Development?

Or do you mean CAHMS?

BertieBotts · 23/09/2015 22:36

I agree this is unusual. My DS is on the anxious side but has been happy alone in a different part of the house for short times since two-ish and properly happy as in actively seeking it out rather than being reluctantly persuaded, since five or six years old. Needed me to sit with him until he fell asleep until he was four, but then has been fine after that with no issues.

I think GP would be a good call. I hope that finding out what is behind this makes things easier on your family Flowers

Sidalee7 · 23/09/2015 22:46

As a child I was really clingy to my mum - I remember being too scared to go downstairs in the morning without her for instance, and I was scared of the dark.

I couldn't go to sleep without a light on or without her coming and kissing me goodnight several times.

however she never made an issue of it, never told me I was silly and I grew out of it, probably by about 6.

Writing this makes me remember how lucky I was to have such a lovely mum! Op, I don't think you are making it worse. I'm site your ds will grow out of it. Some kids are just wired more tightly than others.

I couldn't say what I was scared of.
I really feel for your ds!

Sidalee7 · 23/09/2015 22:47

Sure not site!

BurningBridges · 23/09/2015 22:58

Isn't this about your DH being an impatient git rather than your DS having something wrong with him FFS? He's only 7 and you are his mum so you are very lucky to have a little boy to "pander to" Hmm Maybe when your DH gets a bit older he'll grow out of being so irritable - does he have form?

I couldn't go to the toilet on my own at night until I was 38 and I hated being upstairs on my own at any time. DD is now 12 she still asks me to watch her go up the stairs sometimes; who cares, its hardly an issue, she's grown out of it a lot just as I did eventually! I used to think there was clearly something odd about me and then I read threads on Mumsnet with people saying exactly the same thing (in particular about not flushing the chain at night when you went to the loo in case the monster on the landing got you!). I realised we are all different, and I am no different in that respect. He is only a child, don't worry about it, just give lots of reassurance. What your DH is doing is unkind and will only make it worse.

BlackeyedSusan · 23/09/2015 23:05

very clever? Hmm

how much very clever?

asynchrony?

anxiety, understanding more than he can process?

high functioning asd?

Excited101 · 23/09/2015 23:15

What happens when it's just your ds and dh together? You have been reinforcing his viewpoint that he should be scares of being on his own in the house, this will not do him any good at all I'm afraid. Has he always been like this? It is very very unusual behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2015 23:21

Op this is unusual for an NT (neurotypical) child, my dd who has ASD and is 8 sounds very similar to your ds. Have you been to see the GP for referral to a Paeditrician? I would write down everything your ds does, and take it to the GP.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/09/2015 23:23

Yes op you do, this behaviour is very unusual for a child without SN.

KinkyDorito · 24/09/2015 06:30

Louloo - mine. More and more of his behaviour is leading me to think so.

KinkyDorito · 24/09/2015 06:31

It's the inflexibility and the strength of the reaction this is what we have daily.

KinkyDorito · 24/09/2015 06:33

Peppa good luck with the new school! Sounds fab. I was lucky DD was in a very, very supportive secondary who bent over backwards for her.

Spartans · 24/09/2015 07:32

I have aspergers and never let like this, in fact I love being alone.

Dd is NT and was like your ds. It's not really an indicator and we are all different.