... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

[Loulou000]

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

Goodness me, will you all keep your hair on.

I asked what you meant by 'what' because I didn't know what you meant. I'm sorry if this offended you. I had not come across that usage before. Should have just looked it up.

As for the child-rearing business, well, I've really heard enough of what some of you have to say, and I do wish you would just stop, because we have heard all that could possibly be useful, already. You know nothing, really nothing. I have honestly learned my lesson when it comes to asking for 'advice' on the spur of the moment from complete strangers. There seem to be some on here with massive chips on their shoulders.

Well he's 9 now and pretty much has. We've not done anything different, just provided reassurance and support as needed. That's really good to hear. :)

Loulou I posted earlier about my son who did the same - would wee in his pants rather than go to the toilet by himself. Things really will get better, but you do need to make a break from giving in to every demand he makes.

I made the first change after going to pick DS up after he'd spent 3 lovely days at Grandmas's house. The second I arrived he demanded I came upstairs with him so he could go to the toilet. My Mum said that he'd been FINE for the last few days, going all over the house by himself or with his brother, including plenty of toilet trips.

It brought home that I was providing an emotional crutch that he didn't really need anymore - maybe he had done at one point but he really didn't now.

Once we got home we started some of the things I mentioned before. Good luck!

"You know nothing" says the person who asked for parenting advice on the AIBU board. Don't ask if you don't want.

TenForward I think it's obvious that all the OP wanted was for everyone to agree how cruel and terrible her husband is to 'her' son.

DS is 5 and doesn't like to be alone upstairs. Not to the extent your son suffers but I do understand a bit.

I'm reading this interesting this interesting book by a psychologist which you may find interesting/useful, it's called The Highly Sensitive Child.

loulou, you asked for help. You actually got a lot of very useful help, suggestions and advice. Considering this is AIBU I think it has been on the whole a well thought out and helpful thread.

In my many years of parenthood, I can say that in our relationship & family dynamic, I am the lovely softie, and dh is the one to get impatient and be much tougher. We pretty much only ever argue about the kids . And actually, while I often think that I am right and he is wrong, in my more lucid moments and with hindsight I can see that he was right to take a tougher approach, or, by being out of the house all day while I was a SAHM he was more distanced from issues and could therefore see the situation clearer and certainly more objectively than me.

Your last post was really rude and petulant, there will of course be a bit of rough with the smooth here. You can't expect everyone to come on here and tell you you're brilliant and your dh is a bastard meanie.

Oh, and I agree totally with Gruntfuttock.

OP you have had a lot of advice. No one has said you should let him soil himself. But have said that its needs tackling. So slowly encouraging his range to be away from you, when it's non urgent. So that when he does desperately need the toilet he is willing to go alone.

Your dh isn't helping either. No one has said he is right. But some can see how both of you have got to the point you have.

No need to be rude

And actually you seemed quite open to the advice and opinions on the first few pages. Where I posted that you were both bu.

What's changed?

I would, personally, tackle it myself before asking a GP for help. I tackled this problem with my NT dd and she is fine now. But the decision is yours.

I did it by slowly leaving her. So if she was in the shower I would nip in and out, eventually I would put her in the shower then go into the bedroom til she had finished. Then get her to turn they shower on and tell her I would follow her up in a few minutes etc, took a few months but she is fine now.

I think it is very worrying how you refer to your husband being mean to your ds .i wonder if your child is picking up on this hostility ?

I think there's alot misconceptions on MN about a lot of things. alot if extreme behaviours and habits are normalised. the company line also seems to be that they will grow out of it.

clearly going by the 38 and 12 ur old who still struggle the same way there'd a good chance that wont happen.

I cab never work out if it's through laziness ir a different set of believes regarding parenting and what people view as important.

the fact is its an abnormal behaviour beong dealt with using unsustainable methods of approach. and every inevitable slip up re confirms the fact that he's right to he scared and people can't be trusted.

please don't fall into the trap. of believing it's normal and will go away. this needs dealing with like yesterday. I hope you are able to find the strength and support to do this.

I'm so sorry if I was rude, petulant, or ungrateful. I did get a whole heap of really useful and considered advice, and for that I really am grateful, and have a lot of new things to think about.

Last night it was starting to feel that there was quite a lot of hostility towards me. I guess this whole subject is quite emotive. But I am doing the best I can, and was not enjoying feeling under attack.

You just got defensive thats all and felt posters were attacking your parenting we really weren't people just didnt agree with you and were genuinely trying to give you and your husband advice to help your son and it is only advice mind you dont have to follow any of it.

You could maybe approach this in stages. Gradually build up his exposure to being alone, but come back together before he gets worried e.g. Making dens, playing hide and seek, doing treasure hunts and scavenger trails round the house (and garden, if you have one). Reassurance alone isn't going to work. He needs experience of being by himself without getting scared. Hope things improve soon OP.

He might be in pull ups at night because he is scared to get up to the toilet.

Haven't read the middle of the thread, so sorry if this has been covered!

Regarding a 6/7yr old threatening their mother with shitting themselves unless she does what he wants right now, too right I'd let him follow through on his threat.

No way in hell would I let a child of that age hold that kind of power over me and threaten me with something like that.

After sitting in shitty pants until he cleans himself up he sure wouldn't try that one on me again!

You do have a choice in how you parent.

Some of us choose 'tough love' some do what the OP does.

This is fine unless it is causing problems, which in this case it is so needs some addressing.

I'm guessing the boy has never tried on his 'poo threat' when he's been alone with his father?

And some people call being cold hearted dicks "tough love". There is a middle ground of being caring and having appropriate boundaries. It isn't one or the other!

I think it is though love. We are here to help our children to grow into independent self reliant adults as much as their abilities permit them, rather than to make them happy all the time at the cost of crippling them by extending their babyhood to a point is no longer cute but worrying.

I have a friend that carried a potty training seat with him on every outing until the child was 6, as the boy would literally poo in his pants, after a proper screaming tantrum, where he often kicked and scratched his dad, if the seat wasn't available. Incidentally, he didn't need the seat after 3 at the nursery or in school.

He couldn't run properly at that age either, or use climbing frames in parks, but, having know his dad for many years, I accept that perhaps the boy was not a sports talents but... Everytime we went to the park with them, since the child was 2, the dad will forbide him to run or use climbing frames because he could fall. And in the very few times he had an accident, he was so concerned about getting the child to stop crying that instead of checking him, calming him and asking him to try again, he would tell him that it wasn't his fault, that the place was very very dangerous and that we would never go back to that park. (I know an awesome number of beautiful parks all around Yorkshire due to this promise).

He was a fussy eater, he would only eat fish fingers, sausages (but only those that are sold in Fish &chips shops), petit suis, ice cream and chips. That's all I saw him eating from 3 to 7 yrs old. I have seen his dad removing apples slices or grapes from his hands because "he wouldn't like them", and there were many occassions when we had to leave a restaurant as the child couldn't stop screaming because he couldn't find fish fingers in the menu. Having said that, at school he didn't eat much, but would eat other stuff.

And finally, they wouldn't let the child go down the stairs standing and facing to the front, he needed to go down in all fours and crawl back down the stairs. On that one I couldn't help it and told him that the child would be eaten alive by the other kids if they saw him doing that when he started school at 5. So the last few months before he started school, were spent with dad holding his son hand going down the stairs facing to the front, while the child screamed like mad but after a few weeks (yes, weeks) the crying eased down and eventually he managed on his own.

Don't expect huge changes in a few days, removing such amount of conditioning could take months and months, even years. Yes, you need to take him for a check with the GP just in case there is an underlying problem, but even if he has aspergers, things don't change, you will be expected to take different approaches but still insist in building the independence your child needs.

My son has dyslexia, suspected dyspraxia and AHDH, having a diagnose has only changed one thing: that we know nowadays that we have to work harder in certain things. It has not been a passport to let him be, but something that openned the door to the knowledge of many approaches that could help him cope and flourish even with his disability.

I do hope the OP read the post by Gileswithachainsaw at 08:26:46 this morning. I did notice that the OP quotes and thanks those posters saying that she's doing fine and the boy will grow out of it and it's as if she figuratively has fingers in ears saying "la la la can't hear you" to posters saying anything else.
Someone mentioned a 24 yr old SIL who still hasn't "grown out of it" and, OP I wonder just how many more years you were prepared to carry on the same way with your son, since the reason for the thread in the first place was to complain about your husband's "cruelty", not to ask for help with dealing with your son's behaviour. I imagine it could still be going on in his teens, - or even beyond. That has happened.

It's not helping anyone, your son, your husband or yourself, to instantly disregard any comments you deem "critical" and as just being nasty to you and not understanding. Sometimes you need to the perspective of outsiders to truly see the situation as it is and what needs to happen to resolve it.

This diagnosing of every single behaviour is ridiculous. The op is enabling him and I can see why her dh has lost patience. Funny that he only produces this behaviour with the op. He's the one that calls the shots in the family.

You seem really angry with me Gruntfuttock. I don't know why. I have said lots of times that I take on board what people have said about my enabling my son's behaviour. I really do. I can't reply to every post. (I have a child to follow around the house, ha.)

Why on earth would I be angry with you, OP? That makes no sense. However, that last post of yours has at least shown me that I'm wasting my time and may as well be speaking to a wall. You don't get it and sadly, you never will. That's a shame.

That's not anger, btw, that's resignation.

clearly going by the 38 and 12 ur old who still struggle the same way there'd a good chance that wont happen.

I cab never work out if it's through laziness ir a different set of believes regarding parenting and what people view as important.

I can't speak for the 38 YO but the 12 YO is my DD and to imply that the cause is laziness on my part is bloody rude!

My DD has AS. I worked very hard for a long time to manage/reduce her fears and I didn't succeed. I then had to push very hard for a referral to CAMHS and then to get them to agree to treat her.

For a year, we have been working with CAMHS to help her engage with CBT but the willful incompetence and downright abusive behaviour of some school staff have made it nigh on impossible. Being traumatised stops children making progress. She's now also unable to attend school but no doubt that's my fault too.

There's nothing I want more than for my 12YO to feel safe in her own home and for her to be able to go to school like all my friends' children. I'm not enabling her. I'm following CAMHS advice which doesn't include compounding her trauma by trying to force her to stay in situations that terrify her.

I wasn't talking specifically about your child with regards to laziness.

just that in general people reel off entire posts about reasoning behind things and alot of the time, Additional/medical needs aside, it often comes across as fear. there is an amazing amount of fear on MN of a child being upset or crying. and the lengths people go to in order to avoid any upset is often ridiculous and still the child is upset or crying and ergo no better off than of you went down the "tough love" route.

but tough love is always put across as being cruel yet the irony is that enabling and extending the periods of stress and allowing ot to continue through this fear is far crueler.

Wow, some harsh responses..particularly loving the "oh, he must be an only child, how could you follow him round with siblings to look after " snidery.
I was scared to go upstairs alone for years as a child, but being one of 6 it wasn't so much of an issue for precisely that reason-there usually was someone else around!
My son also had the same anxiety at ages 6 and 7. Not to the extent that yours does OP, but similar. I think 7 can often be the age that nameless fears and anxieties about the world rear their heads. My son slept in my room, on a mattress for 6 months age 6 now I come to think of it. We got him back in his room, and he is fine now.
Sometimes kids go though phases, and of course you should try and help them overcome these fears, and help them be more confident, but getting angry and making them feel silly or weird is not going to benefit them long term.
Building confidence in children is about equipping them with tools to use for themselves, not simply making them more scared of your scorn than of the dark at the top of the stairs.