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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

196 replies

Loulou000 · 23/09/2015 19:03

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 25/09/2015 15:35

I am in two minds whether this is just the way DS is and we need to be reassuring and try to help him to overcome his anxieties; or that I need to get some kind of assessment.

I think probably both.

My DD2 (12) has AS and has had this fear for some years. It gets worse when other aspects of her life, e.g. school are more stressful. CAMHS are working with her on a CBT based intervention to help her manage these anxieties whilst also acknowledging that her AS is a contributory factor which won't go away.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 15:39

It's not really always that easy to come to a fair judgement when you really don't know the people involved at all, nor the ins and outs of the troubles involved. Lesson learned for me.

There's a saying: "new eyes see clear".

miaowmix · 25/09/2015 15:40

I agree re the title: 'my' DS is very telling actually.
Regardless of the right way to parent (I think you are massively enabling him btw), I am more amazed you haven't taken him to the GP for his various issues and anxieties. Surely you MUST realise how different he is from his peers? And that he is obviously excessively anxious and therefore needs help?

Original poster
Loulou000 · 25/09/2015 15:46

No. Neither do I consider my husband, who I also referred to as mine, to be more mine than he is my children's father, or his mother's son.

And I totally get it that you, and some others, think I am enabling his behaviour. You partially have a point. In some ways you don't. But I do get it already.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 15:48

Neither do I consider my husband, who I also referred to as mine, to be more mine than he is my children's father, or his mother's son.

Wat.

Original poster
Loulou000 · 25/09/2015 15:52

Do you mean what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou000 · 25/09/2015 15:54

OP I haven't RTFT, only your replies, and you sound like a great mum. Good luck with the reading and the GP. You're doing great xx massive thanks

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 25/09/2015 16:15

Well obviously you would refer to "my husband" as he's not anyone else's husband, whereas you said "my son" not "our son". I noticed, because I would have said "our" and I also think that's why some people asked if your husband is also your son's father, in case he wasn't.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 16:20

Do you mean what?

Oh ho ho ho, Loulou. If you're not aware of internet memes, don't try to "correct" people's spelling.

I meant "Wat."

Bolograph · 25/09/2015 16:31

Wat, indeed.

Fishlegs · 25/09/2015 17:03

OP, ignore all this 'enabling' bullshit you're getting. My DS was exactly the same at this age, it was masked though by having other siblings around so he wasn't alone. He was seeing a clinical psychologist at the time due to other issues relating to a medical condition, and when I asked her about his fear of being alone, she did not want to get into it as she felt he would just grow out of it.

Well he's 9 now and pretty much has. We've not done anything different, just provided reassurance and support as needed.

I do think it's a good idea for you and dh to be on the same page about it.

Gruntfuttock · 25/09/2015 17:18

Fishlegs, I wouldn't just assume he'll grow out of it. The comment by mooboos Fri 25-Sep-15 15:12:52 shows that doesn't always happen. Meanwhile if he can't even go to the loo on his own, that's a problem that needs more than just "reassurance and support" surely, especially as he's coming home from school with wet trousers

pinkisthenewpink · 25/09/2015 17:20

the OP has said that she sometimes forgets that she's meant to be in the same room and wanders off. Her DS eventually realises and then calls for her again. That doesn't sound like the action of a mother who is totally focused on pandering to her child's every whim.

I'm a bit flummoxed by this thread. On a different day or not on AIBU you might have received a few more replies along the lines of 'well....around that age 6-11 is when anxieties (normal, common, everyday, not the cause of histrionic parenting) surface. But they grow out of them' yes, you could take complete hard line and let him scream and shout. Some parents would. That's fine. Some parents wouldn't and would take a softer approach. Possibly because they're soft or because their child responds better to the softer approach. But I don't think there's anything wrong in that either. There are different approaches to parenting....and I highly doubt that when he's 18 he's going to need anyone following him around.

Goldmandra · 25/09/2015 17:27

Well said pink

The OP is clearly not actively encouraging this behaviour.

I have been in the same position and, while working with my DD, CAMHS have never once suggested I was enabling or encouraging it. Quite the opposite in fact.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 17:30

the OP has said that she sometimes forgets that she's meant to be in the same room and wanders off. Her DS eventually realises and then calls for her again.

I think this is actually worse in some ways because her child is putting his trust in her to stay, then she forgets and wanders off. Trust broken, anxious child is more anxious as he has no one to trust.

It would be far better to make the clear decision that "No, we're not doing this" and follow through, rather than "whoops, I forgot, kiddo, sorry".

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather · 25/09/2015 17:32

OP, your post has reduced me to tears. Your DS sounds identical to my son, even his sleeping arrangements! I never thought of it as weird until all these other posters have pointed it out. It has really upset me but I am also relieved my son isnt the only one.

Goldmandra · 25/09/2015 17:42

It isn't that easy to make a decision and impose it on an anxious child.

Rewards and sanctions are powerless in the face of fear.

I could tell my DD that "We're not doing this" as many time as I liked and, in a calm safe situation, she would agree with me. However, her fear is not logical and, when it takes hold, there is nothing I can do to change her behaviour. She has to learn to do that herself.

Don't criticise the OP for forgetting sometimes. I do it sometimes too. It doesn't help but I am fallible. I feel like shit when I've accidentally added to my child's trauma. Nobody needs to get a hard time about it.

Lancelottie · 25/09/2015 18:00

If you're not aware of internet memes, don't try to "correct" people's spelling.
If you're not aware of internet memes and don't know what a poster meant by 'wat', it seems fair enough to ask them, which is what Loulou just did.
I'm feeling rather sorry for Loulou here.

I bugger up the offspring by forgetting the carefully agreed strategies too, Goldmandra. We seem to swither between the 'accidentally making it worse by reassuring' and the 'accidentally making it worse by imposing decisions'. Hey ho.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 18:00

I'm not criticising her for forgetting, I'm criticising her for going along with it in the first place.

I speak from personal experience - my parents indulged me in my anxieties at a young age, and I resent them for it.

Lancelottie · 25/09/2015 18:05

Ah well, your prerogative to resent your parents I suppose.
I'm hoping DS will be nicer to us about our manifest shortcomings.

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 18:05

it seems fair enough to ask them, which is what Loulou just did.

No, she didn't "just ask me", she tried to passive aggressively correct my spelling instead of justifying her bizarre statement about her husband not just being "hers" but it's ok that her son is also "hers" instead of "ours". If she'd assumed I meant "what?", why would she have felt the need to "ask"? It's hardly an apparent spelling mistake that would need clarifying, is it?

Lancelottie · 25/09/2015 18:07

...actually DS did say not that long back, 'Thanks for bringing me up and being, you know, mostly nice and stuff,' so maybe we're OK.

Lancelottie · 25/09/2015 18:09

Well, what DID you mean by 'Wat'? Does it stand for something? I don't get it (common feeling these days, you young people, grumble, mutter)

TenForward82 · 25/09/2015 18:14

From "knowyourmemes.com": “Wat” is a variant of the English word “what” that is often used to express confusion or disgust, much like its better known acronym “WTF,” short for “what the fuck.”

Lancelottie · 25/09/2015 18:20

Thank you! (Genuinely. Saved me pondering Wat Tyler and his possible influence on the Internet generation of rebels.)
Ahem. Derail over. Maybe I'll go and mix with the Post School Run Drinkies thread for a bit.