... to think my DH is really mean to my DS?

[Loulou000]

DS (nearly 7) is scared of being anywhere in the house on his own. I tend to go along with him, in that I say I will watch him go down the stairs, for example, to make sure he's ok. I will try to arrange things so that I can be in the same room as him. For example, I will put washing on while he's finishing his breakfast, etc.

DH is very impatient with this (as with many other things) and just said that I was making it worse by encouraging him. In this instance, he just doesn't want to get up from his bloody computer to make him feel safe going downstairs. He's only been in the house ten minutes, and already he's cross.

And to top it all he just said, teeth gritted, "You’re not scared, you’re just being silly. What is WRONG with you?" He says this quite often, and it really upsets me. Surely this is not a good thing to say to a child?

Is he actually a total twat? And am I encouraging DS's fears too much?

You make the dynamic sound odd between them. I think you would benefit from some time with your husband to find a way to parent together . You are both causing problems by coming at this from the opposite direction.

Is your OH your son's father?

I think your son must be confused as hell.

You are basically reinforcing the message that the house is scary by accompanying him places etc.
Meanwhile your husband is saying don't be ridiculous the house is not scary.
Is the house scary or not? He has completely mixed messages from the two most important people in his life so must be terribly confused.

I would make a plan with your husband. As with any anxiety, you are trying to minimise avoidant behaviour and create gentle controlled exposure to the trigger.

For example: going downstairs on his own is scary. Right.
Step 1) I will sit where you can't see me but we will talk to each other the whole time so we're in contact
Step 2) I will say off you go at the top of the stairs and you tell me when you're at the bottom and I'll answer you
Step 3) go down the stairs with no contact

Talk to your son about it immediately afterwards. What was the scary thing you thought would happen. Before going down the stairs, did it seem very likely? How did you feel. Did it happen? How do you feel now? How likely do you think it is now...
Each step might take a while. You might progress a bit and then go backwards. It doesn't matter just stick to the plan, you and your husband together.

My DS is the same. Watching thread for tips. Like geneva's ideas above .

I do suspect he will be on AS spectrum though. Currently waiting for Dyspraxia referral, but think this is the tip of the iceberg with him. His older sis is Aspie, DX at 11. He will be 7 in December.

YAbothU. You should both be helping your son with this issue rather than mollycoddling him/criticising him.

Completely non-expert here.
Have you tried inventing a non-obtrusive but reassuring "private signal" to each other? DD (9) is very good at the loud tongue clack and I'm not bad, so we've always used it if we get separated, in the supermarket or at a party for example.

We both know it's just a reciprocal "Where are you?" "I'm here" but it has been useful at times (like when I turned around in the airport and she'd been distracted by a coin whirlpool 20 metres back ).

It is exhausting, and it is nearly all the time. Sometimes I can leave the room if he is absorbed in something, but usually in a few minutes he will notice and come running out. I hadn't really thought about it being so unusual, so this has really given me something to think about.

I will definitely try to encourage him more. We just talked about the walkie talkie idea and he suggested that instead I make a video saying that there's nothing to be scared of. (!) So I made a video, and he went upstairs on his own. Not the world's most practical solution, but something to work on!

I do do as much encouraging as I can, saying that I'll call to him from the kitchen, or I'll watch him go up the stairs, etc.

You and your DH have to discuss the problem and choose a joint strategy for sorting it out. Following two completely different strategies at the same time is madness.

Yabvu and I can see why your dh is irritated. You are completely encouraging and enabling this ridiculous behaviour. He wants you to watch him?? How does he manage at school, around other people?
He needs to overcome this as it will cause him great unecessary stress later on.

ya both being unreasonable tbh.

your ds won't know who to believe between him.shoyrung and you pandering. you really need to be on the same page and I'm wondering if you are over compensating fir your dh 's lack of concern by going over board with yours.

I agree he's going to think there's something to be afraid of if you keep doing it. you are confirming his fears are founded.

your dh could he a bit more considerate though. although by 7 he should he able to enjoy a film.or a computer game while your ds got on with going upstairs and getting into jammies or whatever. your dh is not unreasonable for expecting to not follow him around like a toddler about to get into mischief. he could he nicer about it though

KinkyDorito do you mean your DS or mine is on the spectrum?

Someone once kindly suggested to me that this was a possibility, and I talked to a friend who is an educational psychologist, about it. She said he would no way get an official diagnosis, but that it is indeed a spectrum, and she could see why the person had said it.

He is very clever. He can't get over wetting. But he is also quite empathic. I don't know. Maybe this whole thing is a bigger question.

Geneva thanks for some great ideas. And thanks to all. I love Mumsnet.

And by the way. I do fairly often reach a breaking point where I say that I won't go with him, or won't stay with him if I need to go out of the room. It doesn't really work. He just WON'T go somewhere alone, and won't be left. He will howl and scream, and follow me. So it's really not as if I can just be tougher.

I was like this when younger, not sure when it started but it still hasn't gone completely now, I would still be slightly wary about going up or down stairs on my own in the dark. No reason that I can think of, although I may have watched spooky films at too young an age. I've always been unnaturally scared about anything remotely spooky, despite never having had a spooky experience or even really believing logically that one could happen. So it's just one of those things!

I agree it's best to discuss it and try to get him used to going into rooms/downstairs alone, but I don't thing DH's attitude will help things.

OP is your son also your DH's?

To be honest I can see why your husband is annoyed, a seven year old howling and screaming because he's not being escorted round his home is very unusual.

I thought that the OP has stated that her DH is the biological father.

I get rather surprised by the sorts of behaviours that parents tend to live with on MN. I'm also surprised that you thought this behaviour wasn't terribly abnormal, OP. He's 7.

You also haven't mentioned why he feels this way. Is that a conversation you've never actually had with him?

TBH although he's going about it in a mean way, I really don't blame your DH for getting fed up with you enabling this behaviour. Your DS needs help with his anxieties.

Also, this thought has just occurred to me, although I suspect I know the answer: how does he sleep in his own room at night?

Just a small mention here that:
(1) an ed psych is not the person who can diagnose Asperger's
and
(2) many ed psychs seem strangely fond of declaring that there's no point in going for a diagnosis from someone who IS able to do so.

The one who saw our son at 6 was adamant that he would never get a diagnosis. Because we believed her, we delayed getting one for two years. Grrr.

Back to the point: your son is unusually anxious, and your current methods aren't improving matters (unless your DH's brisk methods actually work? Do they? Thought not...). I'd get chatting to a GP sooner rather than later.

Yep I can see why her DH is getting annoyed but his reaction is certainly not appropriate!
Shouting and telling a child off for being scared has never solved any problem. If anything, it probably makes it worse.

Agree with a lot of the suggestions. You will have to make a very concious effort to push gently so that he gains more and more independance.

I'm another one with a child with AS and dc2 has never been as bad as that. But he also has been quite anxious and ive always spent a lot of time pushing his boundaries again and again (Partly because of the AS).

It will take time though and y99ur DH will have to come on board with that too.

I don't know... We have aspergers and autism in the family and none of these kids would give a rat arse about who was with them in the room at 1, much less so at 7 years old. If anything, our main worry is for them to disapear when we turn the other way.

I understand however, the spectrum is not a black and white thing. People with aspergers have as different many ways to perceive things and react to challenges as neurotypical people do.

I have a dc with AS who was also like this until aged 9.

It's the rigidity and extremity of the reaction which points that it could be related to a SN.

But that doesn't mean the problem can't be solved. Only that an awareness of the wider issues needs to be considered in forging a plan to help him.