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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you were REALLY concerned about babies getting the best start...

209 replies

jorahmormont · 23/09/2015 17:57

... you'd focus your efforts on complaining to the government about the lack of support for breastfeeding mothers, and protest against formula companies, rather than wasting energy trying to make formula-feeding mothers feel shit?

This isn't a discussion of FF vs BF. We all know the statistics by now, and we all know that only 2% medically can't BF etc, and that medical reasons aren't the only reasons women can't/choose not to BF, so it's not a debate of that.

It's just to ask... well, AIBU to think that people who do spend their time calling FF mums "artificial feeders" and telling them that they clearly don't love their kids as much and are second-rate mothers (and yes, it does happen - it's happening right now on a certain parenting site) aren't actually bothered about kids getting the best start, but rather making themselves feel superior?

And yes, I know IABU to start a thread about FF vs BF, because it's a stupid sodding debate and people need to stop treating motherhood as a competition. I know IABU to start this thread, please send Biscuit , I need them right now

OP posts:
Doublebubblebubble · 23/09/2015 20:17

culture I agree. I knew from about 10 years old that if I were to have a baby I'd breastfeed as that was what I'd been brought up to do... I was never told of "benefits" etc just "oh aunty x bf all of her dc's" or my DM telling me that she'd bf'd me and dbro

  • It is very much ingrained into people and no matter how much the government or people in general want others to do a certain thing - people will have already made up their minds. As I've said. Just support mothers.

And Don't judge others.

Flowers Flowers ~why can't we all just get along~ Flowers Flowers

Supermanspants · 23/09/2015 20:19

Sorry.... that should have said 'only one other FF'
Ive got boobs on the brain now Smile

Supermanspants · 23/09/2015 20:21

Thanks Quiet She is still here Smile

LoopiusMaximus · 23/09/2015 20:25

YANBU I had no support and was adamant pre pregnancy that I would breast feed. I continuously asked for help when baby was hours old, to be met with a scowling midwife each time who told me to hand express and feed via a syringe or cup as baby wouldn't latch. Not one single midwife on the ward showed or helped me to latch baby on, needless to say I gave up within 48 hours. I am determined to do it this time and am thinking about paying for a course in my area.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 23/09/2015 20:26

That's good to hear Smile

MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thelushinthepub · 23/09/2015 20:30

Looplius look for children's centres most hold breastfeeding clinic. I know not all areas are great but I could go to one pretty much each week day within 10 miles. Also ask every midwife who comes within 50 metres of you to check your latch- particularly the ones who visit your house in the first week.
Good luck

magpie17 · 23/09/2015 20:32

I agree that FF mums need support too. I tried, really tried to breastfeed for 5 weeks. Saw 6 different feeding advisors, DS had his tongue tie snipped, I got mastitis twice after which one breast just shut down, you get the picture. I tried my best and cried more tears than I did over my divorce but it didn't work and I switched to formula. Within days DS was thriving, I was feeling line myself again and we haven't looked back.

BUT I was made to feel like a second class citizen by my HV and GP who both said 'read the instructions on the box' when I asked for help on FF. Nobody has been able to guide me on amounts, brands, methods etc and I've had to google a lot and wing it. I understand that FF is seen as an easier choice and therefore doesn't need groups and classes but most people don't make the decision to FF lightly and like me, never expected to have to, so a bit if advice or support wouldn't go amiss.

With regard to the BF/FF 'debate', I wish we could all support each bother a bit more whatever outlet methods and know that the method you see a mum using is only one part of the story. I'm jealous of the BF mums who make it look easy, but I know that most will have struggled or suffered at times. They might envy me my freedom as other people can feed my baby while I sleep or catch up on housework, but my heart broke when I couldn't BF and it still makes me feel like a failure. I just wish we could be kinder to other mums and support them because we all need it.

winchester1 · 23/09/2015 20:32

Not read the full thread but I've always wondered if its so important to give bm why no one encourages those that can to sell it to those that can't. Of course if you could buy from a reputable source you would and there are plenty of women wanting pt fit around the kids work who prob aren't feeding their own babies any more. I just don't understand why for the right money it wouldn't work. Like a wet nurse but with flexi hrs and employee benefits if you like.

LoopiusMaximus · 23/09/2015 20:33

Thelush - thank you! We have a children's centre not far from here so will look into it and will also grab the first midwife that comes my way this time!

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 23/09/2015 20:34

I had shit support. I didn't even know I could express in hospital, nobody told me but still made me feel like an arsehole when I asked for bottles. My own MIL had a go at me when I was leaking and postnatal. I kicked her out of my house. I still feel like a failure for formula feeding even though it's helped my DH have an amazing bond with our son.

magpie17 · 23/09/2015 20:35

Sorry for the typos, first post on my phone!

winchester1 · 23/09/2015 20:36

I mixed fed dc1 for 6 weeks as he had lost 15% birth weight by 10days. Bf dc2 for a couple of days when she was rushed to neonatal for dehydration and jaundice. Turned out I am one of those 2% and full credit to my mw who told me bot to bother and just enjoy time with my babies.
She had bf her own 5 dc to two yrs and beyond and was very pro bf.

SitsOnFence · 23/09/2015 20:38

Sorry purposely haven't RTFT, but in my (now 5 years out of date) experience there is a lot of money and effort thrown at the pro bfing message and bugger all allocated to timely and accessible practical help when things don't go to plan.

I ended up very ill trying to breastfeed DC1 (as in ruptured/fistula-ed abscess and a nearly 6 month recovery), mostly because of bloody awful NHS advice and misdiagnosis from midwives and GPs who tried their best but were up against a lack of time, resources and training. It also occurred to me, as I tearfully tried to make up bottles that I thought I'd never need, that it would have been useful if just 10 minutes of our 1 hour antenatal lecture lesson on feeding baby had have been spent making up a bottle since, statistically, many of us would have benefitted. A bit of a side-rant, but it does annoy me when we know the majority of FF babies are hospitalised due to complications from poorly made up bottles, yet most of the FFing mothers I met thought it was the water that needed to be sterilised, not that you needed 70+ deg water in order to sterilise the milk powder. Why not concentrate on getting this message across, since we know the majority of babies will be given at least some formula?!

Anyway, I digress. 18 months later I gave birth to DC2 and the same NHS trust had invested in 2 BFing support workers. What a difference. Similar problems as with #1, plus abscess/fistula damage, but with (a lot) of early support I managed 6 months exclusive BFing, plus another 2 years of BFing after that.

Thelushinthepub · 23/09/2015 20:39

I have also always wondered why People don't use donated milk more Winchester. When people say FF saved my babies life I can't think of any situation where it's the formula that would be life saving- the method of delivery certainly- but surely anything you can do with formula you can do with donor BM?

CultureSucksDownWords · 23/09/2015 20:43

I think some NICU/SCBUs have donor milk banks, not sure if it's widespread.

MrsDeVere · 23/09/2015 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thelushinthepub · 23/09/2015 20:44

I was under the impression most did, or at least has the ability to get it if required

ChilliAndMint · 23/09/2015 20:51

YABU, I had an incredible amount of support and encouragement to breastfeed my dc. It's all about personal choice at the end of the day. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 23/09/2015 20:52

Well chilli if you say it, it must be true because everyone's been lucky enough to get your level of support.

magpie17 · 23/09/2015 20:57

Exactly MrsDeVere! Also, my DS is small so the instructions are no use - if I go by weeks he doesn't weigh enough but if I go by weight he's too old to fit into the groups on the box. Ditto the thing about sterilising the milk, I have done my research so I know the water needs to be hot to sterilise the milk but loads of my friends make up feeds with cold water. The boxes information is not clear on this and my friends think I'm nuts carrying around a flask of boiling water!

winchester1 · 23/09/2015 20:57

Yh in nicu I could get donated but five days later when we left (full term baby with minor issues) there is no provision. I didn't take it as it felt wrong when she was already big and healthy ft others needed I more.
But why not sell it is what I don't get if men could just make ( I know that's underselling the work involved Smile) such a valuable well advertised commodity no fucking way they would be donating without also selling to those that can afford it.

magpie17 · 23/09/2015 21:00

Also, in my NCT group of 6 there were 5 determined to breastfeed. All of us bar one are now FF for various reasons. Like it or not FF is a reality for a lot if people so it's important that people know how to do it safely.

PushAPushPop · 23/09/2015 21:00

Seriously, it's 2015- surely us Mums can feed our babies without help?? People managed it 20/30/50/100 years ago...Hmm

Bottles/ boobs .. Why does anyone even care? If you can't breastfeed, then bottlefeed. If you don't want to bottlefeed then breastfeed.

My ds is two, he has been FF since the minute he was born. He has never had a stomach bug, never been constipated, and is not obese!

I couldn't give a monkey's wank what anyone thinks and find it baffling why anyone , in this day and age, does.

Alisvolatpropiis · 23/09/2015 21:00

I managed to breastfeed my 15 week old for 2 weeks. Physically it was fine, had no problems. I was completely and utterly unprepared for the mental impact breastfeeding would have. They're very keen for you to breastfeed in SW and there support for physical issues is there, totally. But no mention of the mental toll.

I switched to formula and don't regret it. My baby is thriving. It's a shame breastfeeding didn't work out but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm another one whose HV told to "read the instructions on the box" because "we promote best is best".

What if I couldn't read well and had made my baby ill? Surely that sort of attitude is tantamount to negligence?