Flat mate woes

[MrsCorbyn]

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

I am not at all interested in the sexual partners information, it is irrelevant in my view. But I do sympathise with the apparent lack of boundaries or consideration the flat mate has. Been there, got the T-shirt. I am posting suggestions about how the OP can reinforce those boundaries. Doesn't mean I accept or endorse the other aspects of OP's posts. In my experience though, once someone has annoyed and imposed on you to this extent, then everything they do gets your goat, and you vent. I see the OP's posts very much in that light.

Yes, I have had that flatmate, too. I know how easy it get be to get petty when living closely together. It can be healthy and kind to step back a bit.

To continue to defend OP, even though I don't know her...

It would also be healthy and kind of the smelly, promiscuous flatmate to step back a bit

As someone said up thread, it is really difficult to appreciate the sheer amount of stress these people induce, unless you've experienced it! It's unremitting! It goes way, way beyond different standards /cultures etc. We had a similar aversive experience with the woman known as the 'mad knifewoman' (threats to kill... My that was a laugh!) oh god it makes me shake, thinking about it 20 years later. She just wanted to live in the most revolting of circumstances and completely lost it if anyone objected in tje most mild way.. One of her favourite aggressive things was to clear random plughole s (while leaving everything else filthy,) and distribute the revolting hair into our cleaned mugs....

I wondered, as have others, whether she has some degree of LD or a mental health issues.

However much compassion is worth giving to this woman, the bottom line is none of these flatmates signed up to be unpaid support workers/cleaners.

Also I do wonder re her background? Is there a reason why dad paid her rent upfront? Is it the case he's trying to push her away onto other people, bloody sad if so!

Has anyone said to her, she must very unhappy, and has she thought about her future and where she would like to be living?? It may open up a convo where you could discover some stuff.

I think if all that fails, I think completely disengaging with her is your only option. If you get worried about her, perhaps try some way to contact her Dad? Via FB or?

If a flatmate continually came into my room uninvited and without knocking I would get the biggest vibrator I could find, keep it next to my bed and as soon as she walked in I would grab the vibrator, close my eyes and pretend to be pleasuring myself, completely ignoring her as my eyes are closed, hopefully this would embarrass the pants off her.

I want to kill her. I actually want to kill her.

Oh no, MrsCorbyn what's happened.

Start locking your door OP. I know you shouldn't have too, and I really do get that but she obviously isn't getting the constant hints. Time to be blunt?

Funny that reni thinks OP is unreasonable for not wanting to be subjected to the stink of BO in her own home, but will come round at the thought of dirty dishes. Takes all sorts.

Your home should be your sanctuary. If you've never had yours ruined by someone who thought it perfectly acceptable to stink it up, fill it with dirt, intrude on your space, ruin your possessions and stop you sleeping, bully for you. You have no idea how stressful it is and you should keep your lectures about it to yourself.

OP - your girls school didn't do a very good job of teaching you to stand up for yourself or learn how to be strongly assertive. It's all very well having 'naice middle class' manners but pointless when they don't actually help you maintain strong boundaries.

For once - just once - forget that you're a 'naice middle class' woman, the next time she walks into your room uninvited shout FUCK OFF! at the top of your lungs. Followed by GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!

Your response to 'i need deodrant' should have been "buy your own!".

Her texting you about being dumped was a ploy top garner sympathy from you because she KNOWS you're a soft touch - people like her are very good at 'reading' people and knowing how to 'play the game'. I've met them. The only way is to be BLUNT and sometimes DOWNRIGHT RUDE to get them off your back......don't worry - you're not gonna go to hell and nobody other than MN and your flat mates will know you let your standards slip in order to deal with this.

She needed the deodorant because she couldn't use the bathroom, OP's boyfriend used it until other girl had to leave to be fair though.

She needed the deodorant because she's too stingy to buy her own and has clearly been stealing other people's until it was no longer possible! She may have a low paying barista job but if she's not paying any rent then she earns more than enough to buy her own antiperspirant.

Reni - do you not think this girl needs some advice on personal hygiene? I do, and I suspect it will need to be blunt. From everything the OP has said, she does not listen to polite requests from her flatmates - she has been asked to clear up after herself, not to use other people's cookware and leave it filthy, not to just barge into the OP's room, to be considerate if she has to get up early - and has ignored ALL of this - it sounds as if it has simply not registered at all.

Is it kind to let her go on being smelly and dirty? Is it fair to let her go on pissing all her flatmates off, so that they want to avoid her at all costs? Do either of these things make her life good? I doubt it.

Frankly, her parents should have taught her the basics of housework, hygiene and consideration - I have managed it with my three sons, and would consider I had failed as a parent if one of them didn't know how to stay clean, or wash up after themselves! But they haven't, so either the OP and her flatmates do it, or she will carry on, oblivious to how much offence she is causing.

OP? Are you ok?

I do think she'd benefit from a friendly and even a stern word of somebody well-meaning. OP is not well meaning though, perhaps understandably, none of us are there.

I don't see how OP and the flatmates are teaching her anything other than that she doesn't belong. I can only go by her posts and it just sounds designed to mock or retaliate rather than solve anything.

Many of us have had that immature difficult flatmate and some of us probably were that flatmate once, mostly not as extreme.

Reni2

The OP has already stated that both her, her partner and other flatmates have all tried to have a friendly and stern word with her and it has not worked.

I'm sorry to say nothing will work with the messy/lazy house mate is and will continue to behave like she is because it has always worked for her in the past. And the only people to blame is her parents have obviously never enforced rules/behaviour growing up.

I suspect she is the youngest person in the flat and is behaving like it every one else job to look after her.

Reni, it is always well meaning when someone tries to stop you carrying a guff cloud of stench around you everywhere you go. It disturbs me that nobody seems to have taught you this.

The key is in your 'not as extreme' comment. Most of us have probably annoyed someone we lived with, yes. Most of us have not forced others to live in squalor and filth, to have to keep their possessions and personal space under lock and key, and gone around stinking up homes with our unwashed bodies. At 20 you can vote, live alone, drink, smoke, gamble, drive and join the Armed Forces. Don't start wibbling that it's too young to know how to shower or not to enter a private bedroom.

You need to get over this idea that you're some sort of soothsayer among the rabble. The OP is being subjected to broken sleep and living in filth. There's a reason the vast majority of people have her back and it's not for lack of having pearls cast among us swine.

Quick update tonight. Sick of her constant shit, I put all her clothes from the kitchen on the floor by her room. She started a whatsapp group and text heaps of abuse at me for doing so claiming "the flat is filthy... how could you". Needless to say I snapped and she is under no illusions that this will be tolerated any longer. She has been warned; the kitchen is not her sodding bedroom. I pointed out that she doesn't even pay her own rent, daddy does, and if it is so filthy then perhaps she should pick up a bloody broom/hoover etc.
She started with "you think you're so perfect..." rah fucking rah. No, dear, I don't. I'm just sick of your filthy bullshit and have given you adequate warnings. Now fuck off.

Then she text DP instructing him to bring her something she needs on her way home from work. He grew a pair and told her to fuck right off, he won't be doing her any favours while she remains a self-centred, unsociable rude little cow.

Tonight DP has been through the contract and we have evidence of breaches. She will be leaving.

Re the deodorant thing - DP was in the shower, yes, but for about ten minutes. She chose to stay in bed until three minutes before she had to leave then also chose to leave without brushing her teeth or washing. It is VILE.

She washed her clothes today and has turned the heating on full to dry them. She clearly does not know how because the house now stinks of her stench. I've opened all windows and messed with the thermostat. She isn't smart enough to realise heating can be controlled anywhere but the boiler [cackle]

Thanks Sheba.

Reni - "OP is not well meaning enough" WTAF. Have you RTFT? How many times.... we have tried all levels of being civil and tactful. She is a nasty, aggressive, unsociable, spoilt, filthy, self centred twat who is ruining our living space, sleep and sanity. She doesn't listen, she doesn't care.

I've lived with a young woman not unlike your housemate, OP. It was a few years ago now, so I can look back and have a laugh about it. I've got some stories...

There were three of us in a large three bedroom apartment. I'll call the offensive flatmate Dirty Girl and the other Tidy Girl. So, Tidy Girl, Dirty Girl and I had an agreement where, if we noticed Dirty Girl's belongings beginning to take over the rest of the apartment, we had permission to pile everything by her bedroom door and she would deal with it all by either washing them or putting them away (stuffing them in or under her bed and wardrobe). Pretty gross, but hey, her room; her business.

One day Tidy Girl and I decided to go halves on a fish tank and some goldfish. Sadly one of our fish perished not long after. We contemplated having a little burial for him, but then decided that a toilet funeral would suffice. Dirty Girl over-heard us and demanded to know how we could be so callous, and if we wouldn't give him a proper funeral then she would. So we wrapped his little fishy body in tissue paper and put him in a plastic container sans lid for her to bury with full goldfish honors or whatever, assuming she would do it that day. She did no such thing. He sat in the fridge for 2 weeks (we didn't have a freezer). Tidy Girl and I were becoming quite nauseated by the fishy odor which would assault our senses every time we opened the fridge. We didn't dispose of the fish because Dirty Girl kept insisting she would bury him when she had the time and DON'T YOU DARE flush him. Needless to say, the fridge was smelling rancid and we were sick of it, so we decided to place his tissue-encased corpse on top of the week's worth of shite piled outside her bedroom door, assuming she would see it and take care of it appropriately. Well, the fish disappeared into her room with the rest of the pile and was never seen again, but within days the most awful smell began to seep from her room and into the air around it. I asked her what she'd done with the fish, to which she replied "I thought he was in the fridge?!" I told her what we'd done and she promised to find him and get rid, but nothing more was ever said about it and the stench remained.

Tidy Girl and I kept windows open and avoided going near her room until she moved out to go study in another city a few months later. Coincidentally, the smell moved out with her.

I'm not sure that was the kind of burial she'd had in mind for the fish.

I have RTFT, OP. You really do no sound the least bit well meaning and are extremely aggressive, I have had bad flatmates and I understand it can be grating, I just hope you don't hurl more than 10% of the insults you use on here at her directly.

The OP is venting here. I think this situation would make most people say the things that the OP is. I've lived in three fab house shares but also two where there was one horrid girl making it awful for everyone else. Experience tells me that the problem housemate never changes. The only solution is for the selfish housemate to leave or for everyone else to.

It's absolutely horrid coming home every day to someone else's filth and it's absolutely understandable that the OP is saying some things here that sound a bit unkind.

It's just so awful when you try to be kind, try to be firm, go out of your way to actually explain things that should be obvious like how to wash up and why hot water should be used and why privacy matters and why their actions are unsociable and rude yet they don't change. She sends me aggressive, offensive messages and will not ever see that she is in the wrong.

I've stopped engaging with her except to repeat simple facts , eg 'I'm just leaving my stuff here tonight I'll move it tomorrow' is met with 'the kitchen is not your bedroom. Move your clothes now/uoi haven't washed up for days, do it now because none of us can use the kitchen / get out of my room, we do not want to speak to you / leave please.

I hate feeling that sense of dread going home and knowing that in order to use my own kitchen it will take 20 minutes to make it clean enough to cook before I can start