Flat mate woes

[MrsCorbyn]

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

i think reni2 is the dirty flatmate

Genuine question- could she have a learning disorder or a personality disorder?

DontMindMe, Reni2 is too old and exhausted to share a house with anybody but her dh and dcs . House is reasonably in order thanks to our lovely cleaner. But she used to flat share, has had her share of nightmare flatmates in her day and is still able to spot unhelpful rage.

pinkfrocks Genuine question- could she have a learning disorder or a personality disorder?

I think this has been exhausted already. Lots of people do have relatively minor personality disorders which do not prevent them sharing property with people or cleaning up after themselves. And even then, expecting random flatmates to turn into educational care workers with the patience of saints, mopping other peoples' mess up, isn't fair on them.

Some people are simply dirty, selfish and not very nice. The OP has actually done far too much in the past for her housemate, which only seems to have made her behaviour more selfish. Providing her with a man to run errands for her ie texting someone else's boyfriend to bring her stuff is fairly helpful but really cheeky to expect someone else to do on a regular basis. I don't really see what else the OP can do other than turn into a personal drudge for this girl, and it will actually be much more helpful to her in the long run if people don't facilitate her bad habits and tell her they are unacceptable.

OP believes this is a possibility, too: I think she is just exceptionally selfish with possible learning difficulties

Reni - has it occurred to you that by venting her rage on here, the OP might be able to prevent herself from saying something really bad in real life?

I have merely pointed out that the OP believes learning difficulties could be a reason, too. This has nothing to do with venting her rage unless you were responding to one of my earlier posts.

Don't forget OP has been on the receiving end of aggressive and offensive texts from her flatmate. That tends to wear away one's sympathy quite quickly.

reni2 i too have experienced houseshares and challenging housemates....and i can sympathise and understand OP's situation. She is not being deliberately nasty to this girl. Even nice people have their limits and in my opinion even though op has reached hers she is still being far more considerate and tactful than most others would in her situation.

IF the flatmate has any learning or additional needs that are likely to affect others living in the same house as her then surely it's her parents and/or landlords duty of care and responsibility to make them aware so they can find a way to help her/move forward so they can all live in harmony? This is why i think OP should have this discussion with the landlord/father.

whatever the 'reason' for her behaviour it is still NOT acceptable in shared living and it isn't op's fault she has to get 'tough' to deal with it.

I'm a psychologist by trade, no personality disorders. Mild learning difficulties are no excuse for such behaviour: she holds down a job and a social life, albeit one spent largely with men met on forget dinner and similar websites... I don't know if you're trying to be goady but you've no idea how hard it is to live with this person and how verbally aggressive, filthy and unrepentant she is.

I've been, if anything, far too kind so far, as many pps suggested earlier in the thread. I've taken to taking a photo of the kitchen when I leave the house and when I return not long later to decimation, partly to get her kicked out but partly to ensure I'm not going mad

Yes, I was responding to one of your earlier posts, reni - apologies if that was not obvious.

"I have RTFT, OP. You really do no sound the least bit well meaning and are extremely aggressive, I have had bad flatmates and I understand it can be grating, I just hope you don't hurl more than 10% of the insults you use on here at her directly."

Could you and the other flat mates buy her out?
If you and the flat mates leave, how long does the LL think it's going to take to replace you all when she's trashed the place,matin King it out, or given the heads up by all of you?

Could you all insist to LL that she leaves,mor you all will?

Stinking it out

I don't think goadiness is the same as not agreeing with every word you say, OP.

I'm thinking we might once we have had her kicked out for breach of tenancy, Hissy. Her room is only 400 pcm so split 4 ways we wouldn't notice it over the month and would eliminate the risk of another monster moving in after her

£100 a month...not pocket change but a small price to pay for your sanity and mental health. Consider it prat removal tax.

Frankly if the others aren't interested I'll split it with DP and use as a dressing room. It'll be the first time anything has ever been hung up in there, let alone ironed

After fumigation

God OP what a nightmare, no wonder you are angry. I hope you can resolve it.

Look out for dead goldfish...my God that's a horror story. I'd never flush a fish either (animal loving vegetarian - that casserole I mentioned had no meat) out of respect for all forms of life, but having the body lying in the house for days on end is even less respectful and infinitely more revolting.

Did I mention yet that I have to hide all meat and cheese behind my salad in the fridge or she will eat it and deny it or that I have to put my maldon sea salt on a shelf she can't reach, or that I have to put chillies on cooked food in the fridge so she doesn't steal some with her unwashed fingers ?

Wow. Sounds almost like she sees you as a surrogate parent. She must have had a very strange upbringing. I really feel for you OP though. There is absolutely no reason why you should feel any guilt. She is a complete stranger who you just happen to have the misfortune to share a flat with. You owe her nothing. And you are paying for the privilege of living in discomfort at the moment.

Ugh, God. Try hiding it in a container labelled MICROBIOLOGY SALMONELLA EXPERIMENT. Or maybe getting a mini fridge in your room, which of course you shouldn't have to do.

Fortunately she considers most the things I cook as too spicy or rabbit food. The irony though that she criticises my decisions to eat well and exercise then gives a running commentary that I'm 'lucky' to be vaguely in shape, as I'm 'lucky' my job pays more than hers (she googled it weirdly, it's NHS so awful). She truly does not get cause and effect. I've entirely disengaged and just didn't answer when she chuntered at me in the kitchen today, then went out to drown my headache and frustration in wine

She sounds awful, but can't help feeling sorry for her if she really doesn't know how to look after herself or the place she lives in.