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AIBU?

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Original poster

Flat mate woes

310 replies

MrsCorbyn · 23/09/2015 09:26

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/10/2015 15:57

I think you can stand by every word you said and give numerous examples to back your own outrage up.

You said what you've said and you've said what should be said.

Nothing unreasonable here - your flat mates would be the first to tell you if you had been.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/10/2015 16:56

OP, I don't think you have anything to apologise for, especially since she hasn't apologised for the misery she forces you to live in.

Sometimes losing one's rag is the only way to get across to a really stubborn, stupid and self obsessed idiot just how important it is that things change. Of course it must never cross the line into abuse but I'd say her actions towards you are abusive (destroying/stealing property, invading private space) and she's lucky if screaming at her is the only thing she's had to endure in response.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 01/10/2015 18:25

Oh well. it could have been said better, but something did need saying.

With a nod to reni2 though, try and make sure you don't appear to gang up on her or make pesonal attacks rather than valid complaints about behaviour. Not only because it would be unkind, but also because if Flat Mate can seize on anything to feel she is actually the victim and you all deserve to face some retribution, she could actually get worse.

janethegirl2 · 01/10/2015 22:37

OP just say it as it is, and fuck them.

As she is being an aggravating cow, I think you have no option to do what you need to do to get shot of her.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/10/2015 04:34

Have you thought of bribing her to go?

Yes i know it sounds ridiculous....but it may be a lot less stressful in the immediate future for you...
It sounds as if she's in a low-waged job, it may be lack of a new deposit that stops her leaving? ... I assume it's unlikely she will get any of her present deposit back, unless she has a complete character transplant! Confused

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/10/2015 04:35

It may be just the nudge she needs... Some readies waved under a nose?!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/10/2015 04:38

Or if you wanted to be a complete cow, write her a hefty cheque, payable on her departure... Then cancel it... That would be really nasty... -although I wouldn't blame you-

derxa · 02/10/2015 05:45

I agree with reni2 Totally and absolutely. You don't want to share a house with someone who isn't 'naice' like you.

toastyarmadillo · 02/10/2015 06:21

She sounds a nightmare, definately complaints for any breaches of tenancy agreement.

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 02/10/2015 13:03

Avocado that is a cracking idea!! But I would rather keep saving for deposit. She was very sheepish when I saw her briefly and the kitchen was tidy - clearly it worked (for now)!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 02/10/2015 13:05

Derxa you must be right, because I would truly be fine with filth, smell, chronic untidiness, excessive noise, ignorance and aggression if the perpetrator had been privately educated.

Jesus wept.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/10/2015 16:17

Perhaps you can very direct and say "It is much nicer to come back and discover that you have cleaned up after yourself, ensure you keep it up"

Hissy · 02/10/2015 16:40

Yes but her cleaning up after herself once is not enough
This is not about a tidy kitchen, it's about her attitude to her housemates, her inability to respect herself or anyone around her, to consider anyone except herself.

The arrangement of having her in your home is not working - for anyone and the situation is way past salvation.

She has to go, cleaned up kitchen or not.

In fact...

The fact that she HAS cleaned up makes it worse, because all this time she knew it should have been cleaned but didn't think she needed to, or that you/household meant it.

You need to carry on with the complaint, and tell her to go. Tell LL that she needs to go asap, and that you and housemates will cover the rent he has to repay her father.

CrapBag · 03/10/2015 22:09

Wow just read this thread OP and you should not feel bad for finally loosing your shit with her. I would have at being woken up at that time of the morning, wake me at your peril basically!

I hope you can get her out and quick. She won't last at keeping things nice. She clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone except herself and has proved it time and time again.

Aridane · 04/10/2015 07:05

Oh goodness, I have just read the whole thread - and you poor, poor thing. All this would have driven me beyond demented - and I hope you get it sorted, and that you get it sorted soon.

I had something vaguely similar c.25 years ago - except thing less flatshare and more a bedsit in a large house with just shared bathroooms, not other common space (such as kitchens).

One person in the shared house started to make mumbled threats to kill me (and do some other things) and behave in an erratic way (eg banging the ceiling of his bedsit at random times of the day and night. Quite possible of course that he had, or had developed, mental health issues - not wearing the hair shirt reny2 appears to do, I did not reach out to him to offer friendship and support...

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/10/2015 12:46

Just wondering if the situation has improved since the weekend?

Tallyloolah · 12/10/2015 10:57

How is it going OP?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2015 11:50

You won't get her out because of contract breaches, I don't think. The downside of the low charges and easygoing, rolling tenancy that you enjoy is that there won't be strict adherence to contracts, etc, on things like this. Her Dad's paid a year upfront, so the agency would have to refund £3,200 (£400 x 8 remaining months' rent). I just don't see that happening, just because you all hate her. The only ways I can see that you'd get her out, are:

  1. to club together with your flat mates and pay the agency that £3,200 yourselves, then leave her room empty but paid-up for 8 months;

  2. you ALL threaten to leave the flat unless the agency evicts her. The thought of losing £1600 a month might scare your agency enough to find her £3200 and kick her out. Make sure to show the agency photos of the dirty kitchen so they know future tenants won't be keen to move in if she's there, trashing it before viewings;

  3. you find a new potential flatmate to replace her, who's prepared to pay £3,200 upfront;

  4. you find something about her that will cost the agency money. For example, does her smoking in the flat negate the agency's insurance? Is she damaging the flat in some way? Make her look like an expensive risk, not just annoying.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2015 11:54

I realise she's annoying and I'd hate her too, but I'm a bit Shock that someone working as a psychologist resorts to insults and bitching! I'd have thought you'd have a bit more insight into personalities - hers and your own.

Not just the animal insult, but the earlier one ("You don't even pay your own rent, Daddy does"). I don't even see what relevance that had.

Anyway. Good luck OP.

whois · 12/10/2015 12:45

Not just the animal insult, but the earlier one ("You don't even pay your own rent, Daddy does"). I don't even see what relevance that had.

  1. You're massively late to the party.
  2. It's relevant because the nightmare flat ate tells the other flat mates they should pay for toilet roll and buy her wine because she earns less then them. Therefore it's entirely relevant if her daddy is paying her rent.
reni2 · 12/10/2015 12:50

How late is massively late? Ten days after OP posted last about something going on for another 8 months? Or have you been appointed bouncer Grin?

SuperFlyHigh · 12/10/2015 13:15

sorry but marking place. too funny.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/10/2015 14:44

Thanks whois! Have a wonderful day.

SevenOfNineTrue · 12/10/2015 15:00

Use the smoking rule in the tenancy agreement to get her out.

If she smokes in there, the room will smell strongly and her smoking will be obvious to anyone entering. I assume the landlord has said on the buildings insurance that it is non-smoking building, so I assume her smoking in there invalidates the policy. Good leverage to get her out.

Good luck.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/10/2015 20:51

I had a nasty flat mate only she'd been there years and knew LL well. It was after I'd signed rental contract and she told me to keep bread etc in Tupperware due to mice I worried... 2-3 months later saw one in my bedroom eating chocolate on a low Bookshelf. I got pest control in myself, place was infested...

Then there was the "forgetting" or not to pay council tax (she got into arrears and muddled as last flatmate had sorted it out for her... I ended up ringing and down the councils offices unravelling that with her...

Lots of other stuff... I basically terminated my contract after 6 months and moved out. And bought a flat not long after.

Get her evicted on smoking grounds beforehand and be ruthless. She's stepping all over you and the contrite-ness is only because you got mad at her. She'll be back to normal before long... Grin