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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flat mate woes

310 replies

MrsCorbyn · 23/09/2015 09:26

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 29/09/2015 11:12

Just lo k your bloody door when your both in there and ignore her!

ShebaShimmyShake · 29/09/2015 11:20

I completely understand why you don't want to lock your door and of course you shouldn't have to. But it may be the only way to protect your privacy and communicate to her exactly how unacceptable it is.

Nabootique · 29/09/2015 11:27

I've only just read this thread and nothing particularly helpful to add. What is wrong with these men (I count three) who shag a stinking unwashed person? Don't they have noses? I actually feel a bit ill.

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 29/09/2015 11:31

All good advice

I don't get it either. Knowing she went to work yesterday having not washed or brushed her teeth, after sex especially, handling food... I could not go anywhere near someone who wasn't clean, it's repulsive

OP posts:
Nabootique · 29/09/2015 11:33

Did she actually shower between partners, after you pointed it out?

OTheHugeManatee · 29/09/2015 11:40

I thought this was going to be the usual minor flatmate niggles but this is just Shock

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2015 11:46

MrsCorbyn - has anyone explicitly told her that not washing/showering/cleaning her teeth is dirty behaviour, and that she smells? I know that sounds like a harsh thing to say, but it's the truth, isn't it?

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 29/09/2015 11:53

No. I've dropped a truck load of hints but I do not feel comfortable telling someone to their face that they smell. Ibe been hold on here I should but I just wouldn't know where to start, I don't like confrontation and tbh it isn't my job to teach an adult that showering more than once every two weeks is advisable

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 29/09/2015 11:54

Yes she did between them but it took a lot of convincing. Perhaps that's the answer, we bring men over every day so she showers between them ;-)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/09/2015 13:37

I wonder if you could put a printed note under her door whilst she is out. Not a nasty one but one explaining that she is smelling due to her poor hygiene and that it is necessary for any person to have a quick shower every day, brush teeth every day - and what other basics she doesn't do.

What's the worst that can happen? It could be worded as tactfully as possible and means you don't have to say it to her face.

Chippednailvarnish · 29/09/2015 15:12

Knowing she went to work yesterday having not washed or brushed her teeth, after sex especially, handling food... I could not go anywhere near someone who wasn't clean, it's repulsive

I had a flatmate who did this, in fact she sounds not dissimilar.
You need to stop engaging with her. Why do you care if she showers between men? I think if you completely stopped engaging with her it might be easier to live with her. She clearly doesn't / isn't able to care.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 29/09/2015 16:18

I agree with Chipped, don't engage her over anything unless absolutely necessary. And while I understand you not wanting to have to lock yourself in, doing so for a few days at least while flat mate gets used to the new regime (of being cold shouldered) is a good idea.

pinkfrocks · 29/09/2015 16:29

I know this won't help but someone I know had a flat mate like this and we decided - I think accurately- that they had Aspergers. (Apologies to any with Asps reading as I know you aren't all like this.)
But being unable to change behaviour and be so hard to live with in this way goes beyond being plain selfish.

Have you tried a house meeting? eg 7pm Thursday. This is where you all sit down and decide in advance what to say to her- with her there too - so she is clear about boundaries. She sounds like a typical stroppy teenager but a united parental front is needed- and in your case, all tenants together otherwise she is playing you off one against the other.

Have you all told her she has to change or leave?
Haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but it sounds as if some really straight talking is needed and some ultimatums for her.

I'd also buy a lock for your door to stop her coming in. No point being principled - just be pragmatic.

Otherwise, cut your losses and leave.

reni2 · 29/09/2015 16:32

I feel for your flatmate, she's only 20, dad paid her rent, maybe it's her first time away from home. She isn't yet well versed in flat share etiquette and like many of her age hasn't quite got the hang of housekeeping yet. A bunch of older flatmates laugh at her inability or shout at her or patronize her nicely "yes dear". She might be a bit obstinate by now, but probably deeply unhappy and lonely, too. She doesn't shower enough, so let's block the bathroom in the morning so she can't have a bits 'n bobs wash or brush her teeth! Throw in a bit of judgement about her sexual promiscuity.

Then it gets shared on the internet so we can all pick on her, too.

divere · 29/09/2015 16:37

Blimey. This sounds like hell. Where in SW London, I'll move in Wink

pinkfrocks · 29/09/2015 16:41

I don't think that's fair reni.
At 20, many students are in their 2nd or 3rd year at uni sharing flats. They have learned how to live with others, so no excuses here. Not doing your washing up and barging into other people's private space (bedrooms) is not on and doesn't require a huge amount of practice or maturity to 'get the message'.

I think sensible, civil, but frank conversations as a united front, with clear boundaries and expectations - rotas for cleaning or using the bathroom if needed- is the best way forward.

Chippednailvarnish · 29/09/2015 16:46

Wtf is a "bits and bobs wash"? And are we talking about a 20 year old grown woman or a toddler?

reni2 · 29/09/2015 16:50

Sure many 20yo's can do this. Maybe she rebels against the "united front" which is clearly against her. As to the no washing, does she have any MH problems or other reasons why she neglects herself so much? Or is the not-washing enough part of the ganging up? Smelliness is a common insult hurled at the bullied. She might have no social awareness, maybe she could do with some help there. I am amazed at such a super- one sided story and feel for a young girl in need of help and maybe compassion.

reni2 · 29/09/2015 16:51

Washing the important bits with a flannel instead of showering. Neither is any of her flatmates business.

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/09/2015 16:54

Do you suggest that the op invites the woman on here to give her side of it, reni? Hmm don't be so silly.

The woman sounds like the flatmate from hell, no matter what the extenuating circumstances are, and it sounds like the op has been more than usually tolerant. Are you demanding that she actually has to like this woman as well?

Scremersford · 29/09/2015 16:56

selly24 From what you describe she could have a firm of personality disorder.

I can think of 3 women like this and none of them have a personality disorder. They're just dirty and exceptionally lazy. As in they don't put a high priority on cleanliness, and are unaware of the connection between washing, cleaning and being clean.

I shared a flat when a student with a similar girl but not quite so extreme once who did nothing but eat fried food and shag her boyfriend. She smelled too. She was placed in the flat by the landlord and made it clear she didn't deem me or the other flatmate worth talking to. Fortunately she moved in with the boyfriend when she became pregnant. Strangely, he wasn't that bad and spent his time running after her (she was very lazy and not at all attractive).

My friend at uni also had a smelly, dirty flatmate who didn't really engage. She used to watch tv in the lounge wearing only a towel and surrounded by empty takeaway packets with the volume up and ignored repeated reminders to keep it to a reasonable level. She wouldn't even move when visitors came round. Like the OP's one, she too seemed to have a revolving door of ever willing men to shag her, as well as a long-term boyfriend, despite not being what you would call conventionally attractive.

The third was my ex SIL. I remember visiting her house once and realising her lounge carpet crunched when I walked on it. I don't think it had actually ever been hovered. The wicker bin in the bathroom hadn't been emptied in I don't know how long and the blood from used tampons had leaked onto the cream carpet. I swear that woman must have had it in for carpets. She too has a lovely DH who runs around after her despite her lack of charm.

reni2 · 29/09/2015 17:00

LaContessa, I am not silly and of course OP does not have to like her, how patronising.

This thread reads like a gang of bullies talking about the girl who smells. Some of the supporting evidence (couldn't wash as bathroom taken, had two lovers in a day) is just unpleasant.

Maybe she is an unpleasant character, I just pointed out there might be reasons behind it and a united front of much older flatmates ganging up and shouting is not going to solve anything.

LaContessaDiPlump · 29/09/2015 17:06

I wasn't trying to be patronising, I was aiming for straight-up ridicule!

Look, if the op wants to vent on an anonymous online forum then that's her business and if it stops her telling her flatmate some unpleasant home truths (i.e. that she smells and is alienating her peers with her disregard for personal hygiene, kitchen hygiene and usual social behaviour) then I can see why op would want to take this less aggressive route to letting out the tension.

Even if there are sound reasons behind this woman's behaviour, it would take a much more noble person than me to not be going 'Oh for FUCK SAKE' at the 25th incident or so. Do the much older flatmates need to get together and just leave rather than telling her why they're upset?

OurBlanche · 29/09/2015 17:16

The thing is, reni, whilst there may well be reasons behind her behaviour, she is pissing of other people who have every right to expect that a flatmate just lives in a manner conducive to keeping good relationships.

OP has every right to be livid and to come onto an anonymous forum and vent, being as rude and unkind, uncaring as she chooses - given that OP is also saying she is doing this as she can't bring herself to be rude to the woman's face.

That many of us have shared our living space with similar people who have no excuse other than they can't be arsed illustrates the fury such behaviour can engender. My solution (the Teetering Wall of Shite) took 5 adults over a year to do, we spent 12 months trying to be polite about it, singly and as a household.

Were I the OP I would have screamed by now. A little anonymous venting is a comparatively calm response.

reni2 · 29/09/2015 17:18

I see the light and the washing up is bad. Tidiness is a matter of much debate in every shared house and can be a bit subjective. Self care non of OP's business and promiscuity judging nasty. I see she's not a great flatmate, but neither is OP by the sound of it.