Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Flat mate woes

310 replies

MrsCorbyn · 23/09/2015 09:26

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 30/09/2015 18:31

It isn't difficult. Wash yourself and leave things as you find them. I'm not asking her to jump through rainbows.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2015 19:04

She won't change and you can't change her. You can't control what she does, only what you do. Do the things that will protect your possessions and your space (although of course you shouldn't have to), buy some really good air freshener (Neutradol's my favourite; actually kills bad smells rather than just masking them in perfume) and yeah, just try to stay as unattached and distant from her as possible.

Hissy · 30/09/2015 19:09

Get her out by any means, fair or foul ...

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 30/09/2015 19:35

I like you Hissy. Can we does a hit team ?

OP posts:
Hissy · 30/09/2015 20:50

On it like a car bonnet. Grin

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 30/09/2015 21:15

There like a bear x

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 30/09/2015 21:17

I might steal that line IRL Hissy - 'fair or foul' Grin

Hissy · 30/09/2015 21:49

It's not my line. Old English expression I think. Someone more well read than I may tell you if there's a specific origin of it though Smile

janethegirl2 · 30/09/2015 21:56

Hope you enjoyed your wine MrsCorbyn, have another Wine

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2015 21:57

"Fair is foul and foul is fair,
Hover through fog and filthy air." - Macbeth

Sounds like OP's house, and her housemate is most definitely a witch.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2015 22:04

The trouble with people like this is that they start as the flatmate from hell and turn into the neighbour from hell.
Just like the previous inhabitants of a house near me who left rubbish, dirty nappies, used condoms and other detritus in their overgrown garden for the new tenants to deal with (and does that give you some idea of the state of the house?)

Some people are, to use a word my DC's favour, just skanks.

sonata1 · 30/09/2015 22:37

As the mother of an autistic/Asperger adult son who lives alone, this is screaming Aspergers to me. If I am right you will never get through to her or appeal to her better nature as she has no concept of cause and effect. Everything you are describing I can see in the other residents that live in the supported housing where my son lives.She is on the higher end of the spectrum.Egocentric,failure to show empathy, lack of personal hygiene, self self self.
You cannot appeal to her better nature OP so you have to set boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour. You need to get together with the other flat mates,set up a charter and then hold a meeting with her.In the meantime as she will not respect your personal space you need to lock your door and put a block on her calls to your mobile.

IonaNE · 30/09/2015 22:41

Just read the whole thread - OP, my sympathy. Glad to see that during the course of this thread you have taken measures, e.g. moving your kitchen stuff to your room; and that your DP has stopped doing favours to her.

Just one thing: in a shared house I would lock my door anyway once I have "turned in" for the night, if not for any other reason but because someone coming home late ( -drunk- ) or getting up for a glass of water in the middle of the night half asleep might make a mistake and stumble in, etc. Just think of the door of your room as if it was your front door, or your door in a hotel - you would lock that for the night, wouldn't you?

Glad you found clear breaches of tenancy: she does sound like she has to go.

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 01/10/2015 13:59

Soooo I snapped and shouted and said things I shouldn't have said after months of gritting teeth. I feel awful now and it will be mega awkward later. I think I might go for a very very long run and wait for the agent to return my calls.

OP posts:
Missrubyring · 01/10/2015 14:21

You're allowed to reach breaking point OP, and by the sounds of it you'd tried talking to her reasonably to no avail. I'm surprised you hadn't snapped sooner tbh. Take a breather and be a little less harsh on yourself.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/10/2015 14:32

Oh dear. Do you think that she actually understood what you were saying this time, op? We can only assume that she hasn't understood (or chosen to understand) up until now.....

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 01/10/2015 15:00

Thanks.

"You're a bloody nightmare to live with and we all want you gone, it's like like living with an animal" or similar. Not sure she can fail to understand that. I'm a total cow.

OP posts:
Missrubyring · 01/10/2015 15:14

Sometimes the only way to tell people is to tell them straight. Do you think it'll register OP??

OurBlanche · 01/10/2015 15:17

Oooch! That'll haunt you for a while. You have my sympathies.

Don't do anything rash to make yourself fell better. You will need to apologise and re-word it, clearly, bluntly, but more politely.

Your crime in that sentence isn't that you said it but that you spoke for everyone else. Now you have made reni2 right!!!! So apologise to the other flatmates too, as soon as possible.

Good luck getting her sorted and forgiving yourself for doing exactly what you were trying to avoid.

DontMindMe1 · 01/10/2015 15:32

i wouldn't apologise until you get some constructive, positive feedback/action from her. Otherwise she will just think you didn't actually mean any of that and it will be back to square one.

if she SHOWS you that she has understood what you have been trying to tell her all this time THEN i would apologise for having had to be harsh to get through to her - and even only then because you want to move forward on a fresh slate.

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 01/10/2015 15:40

I've apologised to housemates, one said no problem and one said good on you thanks for saying it. Like fuck am I apologising to her.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/10/2015 15:43

You will need to apologise and re-word it, clearly, bluntly, but more politely.

Why on earth should she?

Polite and/or blunt hasn't worked so far!

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/10/2015 15:44

Well now you need to make sure that they have your back and won't be all 'I know, isn't MrsCorbyn a bitch?' when she goes crying to them about how awful you are. Present a united front and all that.

OurBlanche · 01/10/2015 15:44

I was only suggesting it if you felt the need to, to help you feel less of a "total cow".

I wouldn't either. Well, I would to flatmates, as you have. Good result there, let's hope She responds as well.

Also, reading my last post back I can clearly see that my 'hand on shoulder, trying not to smile at your predicament, wishing you well' face didn't appear on the page. Sorry Smile

Original poster
MrsCorbyn · 01/10/2015 15:52

Thank you, really thank you for all your advice and support so far.

OP posts: