Flat mate woes

[MrsCorbyn]

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

You're right. All of you. Fuck it.

Re being a cow : all girls' boarding school has made me quite sensitive to not being nasty to girls who probably lack self awareness

I'll update after 5am kick off.

Given this will go on for a while, you need to take all your stuff & keep it in your room & lock the door. I get you don't want to do that & shouldn't have to, however I'd see it as short term pain for long term gain. After a week or so, you'd expect she'd get the message. I'd also warn her that if she left her stuff around again, then I'd bin it (& I'd see that through).

You also need your DP to stop pandering to her requests. No need to be rude about things if you don't like to, but simply say you're busy & ignore her.

Well done for taking the light bulb

Telling her she smellls should actually be one of your easier tasks. It doesn't have to be confrontational, and it's not actually something where she can claim to be in the right because "it's her flat too". You can sit her down and tell her you're telling her this for her own good, after all it will put her job at risk if she doesn't sort it out. A head tilt wouldn't go amiss.

Stand your ground.

If she comes in at 5am- this is what you say to her:

"This is completely inappropriate behaviour. Me and DP are up early tomorrow morning, so please respect our personal space and need for the sleep of us and our fellow housemates and we shall have this conversation later on". If she refuses, you take her by the arm and physically remove her from your bedroom. No doubt she will threaten to call the police, but I assure you she will be told to grow a pair if she does. Don't get violent, and don't shout at her at that time if you have neighbours- because then you are potentially going to have them calling the police about noise disturbance, especially if she has done it in the past.

Then sit her down after work and have a frank, honest conversation with her. Your not being a cow- your either a) standing up to her treating you like a fool or b) doing her a very big favour in the long run.

Walford I know what you mean but someone has to be the grown-up here and sometimes that means cleaning up after other people who are trying to provoke you with their mess. Rubber gloves and bleach deal with the practicalities and avoid the emotional entanglements. I too was a boarding school brat and learnt to raise barriers, found that pragmatism was often the best defence.

I couldn't live like that. Take the advice you have been given and use all the tactics that do not involve being out and out nasty. Moving your things, blacking out the window, stop buying her things, dp stop helping her, lock your door. You won't be being nasty, But you can improve your quality of life. Ignore any crap from her and get on with your life.

Inimitable has a good point. If you are concerned about being nasty- approach it from a concerned point of view:

"I have noticed you seem to be lacking in personal hygiene at present, which is causing me some concern. Is there any reason for this?? Is there anything I can do to help?" may be a good place to start. How does she cope with periods??? I hope she isn't leaving period blood smeared everywhere and dirty sanitary towels/stained underwear scattered about.

This is a 20 year old who sounds like she has just moved out of home we are talking about. She is either been incredibly spoilt and thinks it can continue and needs someone to stand up to her for it to stop (and she won't be expecting it come because she's been getting away with it) or she just needs someone to be honest with her.

School is school. Real life is real life. Treating someone as you would at 14 and 20 is completely different IMO.

All good advice.

I think because dp just cleans and tidies by nature I've been somewhat sheltered from just how horrific this is until the sleeping thing.

Being so badly brought up people think you have LD is not great. Anyway, the vast majority of people with LD can use the loo and wash a plate. But she doesn't matter in this situation OP - you do.

Be blunt. She's abusing the default politeness 99 per cent of us have to ruin your life, which 1 per cent of people can do very efficiently. So don't use default politeness.

Write to her telling her she smells. Write again saying the smoking is a health risk. Write again saying her hygiene is a risk to you all. You get the picture. Keep stuff in writing so you don't freak and call her a stinky cunt, which while nothing but accurate, might come back at you.

Otherwise, don't speak to her unless you have to, in which case it's monosyllables only.

Im glad your taking advice on board OP. Truly.

Do what I said at 5am if she comes in. Ensure your DP is awake so you have a witness to her actions, and if possible- record the conversation you have. Get DP to stick his phone on record as you are having it.

Then when you are both home, sit her down and have a conversation. Tell her you both need to be the adults you are and to be honest and that you are making one last effort to try and help her.

Start with the personal hygiene. As I said, maybe approach it from a concerned point of view. Ask her if she has any problems and if you can support her in anyway.

Tell her you are unhappy about her lack of cleanliness, and if it continues- she will no longer have access to your cooking utensils. Check with your agent re lock on the door as after all it isnt your property. If not, larger plastic box and chain and combination padlock. Suggest this to your DP and other flatmates.

Also express your need for personal boundaries and explain you are uncomfortable with her following you and her coming into your bedroom uninvited.

You also need to make it clear to her that while you are housemates and want to make the environment as comfortable as possible, you arent her mother and she needs to learn to look after herself. Say you will show her how to clean the toilet, wash up etc if necessary but you will do it once and once only.

Then I think you need to sit down as a household and talk about a weekly kitty and chore list.

Given what you've said about the agent have you checked they lodged your deposit in one of the required schemes? If they haven't then as the Landlord is responsible for ensuring that they do that will give you leverage.

Get an eye mask to black out the light and ear plugs to block out the noise??

Black out fabric for the glass.

Bedroom door always locked.

Kitchen stuff in a box under the bed, toiletries in your room even toilet roll. I know that's like being back at uni but it is pretty similar anyway when your flat sharing the way you are.

Her stuff would be getting chucked in a black bag outside her room too.

When she follows me around I'd be saying I can't talk now sorry. When she shouts your dp IGNORE

Why haven't you got in touch with council? Just say that landlord refuses to solve the problems, so they need to issue him some paper about it.

Had several nightmare flat shares
.
Remember writing "please can you wash this as you have used it?" on a pan at uni and them just writing "no" underneath. Reduced me to tears at the time.
Looking forward to 5am update!!

There is some absolutely amazing advice on here, most of it consistently given by lots of people. Nothing to add but empathy.

Hope you sort it OP - she sounds awful.

Bride of W - what a totally brilliant screen name ! LOL - yes really.

However, OP, time to engage 'FULL 18 CARAT BITCH' mode with this arsehole flat mate. Frankly, go nuclear. She will keep undermining you all until she's got you believing that you/you all are being unreasonable. Think about how an abusive partner acts, like a dripping tap, continually undermining the other person until they've got the other person questioning themselves constantly.

She's all take take take and frankly, you need to stop giving. Never mind boarding school days. Long gone now. You are in the adult world.

Is this thread for real ?

Ugh I feel for you OP.

My cousin once lived with a dirty bastard like this who used a load of kitchen stuff, left it mucky then pissed off home for Christmas.

She moved it and left it on their bed for when they came back a week or so later.

They didn't do it again...

Well?? How did it go??

Update coming once I clarify with other housemate what actually happened this morning. I vaguely heard shouting but somehow slept through.

100% real, unfortunately!

DP is going to shake the bulb til the filament breaks then put it back today.

Walford - she doesn't come in at 5 she keeps that for day light -> around 11pm, it's just hallway light wars and stomping at 5.

Toasted - that's awful !!! Almost funny it's so awful. My housemate also point blank refuses too or 'I'll do it later, it needs to soak' NO IT FUCKING DOESNT YOU USED IT FOR TOAST YOU MONUMENTAL CUNT

Do you know what happened yet OP?