Flat mate woes

[MrsCorbyn]

I think I am being unreasonable and very petty but my patience is at its tether and lack of sleep is sapping at my ability to reason…

The problem is with my flatmate. As background, DP and I live in a shared flat to save money for a deposit. It’s one of these “spareroom.com” deals where all bills are included in the price of the room and you move in with total strangers. Fortunately 2 are delightful but the box room houses a girl who, frankly, is a total horror.

She is very loud, incapable of cleaning up after herself, she creates such mess and destruction in her wake that it takes half an hour of cleaning/tidying before the kitchen is useable every day. She rarely showers, smokes in her room (not allowed, we’ve all complained, nada), has no concept of boundaries (often comes in to our room, will literally follow me around the house) etc. We have spoken to her kindly, tried leaving her mess but it affects us all, spoken to agents, spoken to her less kindly… Nothing.

Now she’s started doing earlier shifts so gets up at 4.30am. In the hall is a very bright light that wakes us all up if turned on because of glass panels above bedroom doors. She knows this, she could easily get her stuff ready in her room/the kitchen with door shut and avoid waking us up, but no, every sodding morning we are all woken up with the bright lights and her stomping. My other housemate works til an average of 3am and has explained to her the effect this has, I have told her repeatedly. For what it’s worth my DP also starts work at 6am regularly yet manages to not wake up anyone despite making me breakfast for when I wake up, ironing a shirt etc. because he does it in the bloody kitchen. With the door shut. Without the bloody light.

ARGH. So this morning it happens again, I don’t get back to sleep, I work in frontline NHS and frankly being woken up at 4.30am daily when a second of forethought from the selfish cow would solve it all is getting too much.

Have I been unreasonable to unscrew the offending light bulb and hide it to stop this going on? She can’t reach it & probably won’t understand what’s happened. For what it’s worth, DP and the other 2 are behind me with this. Sorry for essay.

Not to mention id choose a clean environment where I wasnt being stalked in my own home and a decent nights sleep in a shitter area over a nice flat in an ideal area that I wont live in forever. Is that honestly just me

How much longer do you have to live there?

You definitely to take action - make her life as difficult as she makes yours, ignore her when she follows you round, consistently put all her crap back in her room, and lock up your stuff.

I also know where I'd be putting that lightbulb...

Her father is actually delightful. I met him once but he lives abroad.

Well there you have it. Your flat mate is someone that drives even her closest relatives to put an internationally recognised border between them.... I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, she obviously has no life skills at all and if her delightful Daddy has made a habit of dumping her and buggering off its no wonder. None of which makes her your mission unless you choose to accept it. So engage or withdraw - or institute a 'Flattmate's Movie Night ' and keep running 'Shallow Grave' until she gets the hint...,,,,

I think a nig MN posse should greet her in the hall at 5am

OP she does sound like an absolute nightmare. However, two things immediately spring to mind on reading through this:

1. How is someone supposed to walk through a hallway at 4.30 am without switching a light on? I know she's a twat, but it really isn't her fault that you have a glass panel above your door that you could cover up but for some reason haven't.

1. You are playing the 'yes, but' game. Pretty much every suggestion you have had on here you have pooh-poohed. I think I get why: you're in a shitty situation and you want to make it clear to everyone just what a shitty situation you're in. That aside though, you do have options - you can lock your door, you can put your kitchen stuff in your room, you can report her for smoking (this is in breach of her tenancy), you can have a house meeting, you can set out rules. You can also move. You have refused to do any of this. So what exactly do you want from this thread?

BIG!

Cruik - her bedroom door is at a right angle touching the front door. The inter flat (low wattage) landing light is on. She can reach the door from within her room if she reached hard.

I know I know. The thing is (Massive drip feed klaxon) I moved here before I met DP and he moved in (with prior agreement from all other tenants and agent), because I was getting away from a long term nasty relationship and this flat and my new flat mates (she moved in more recently) have been a fun haven of joy. I don't want to leave.
I've tried talking, cajoling, reasoning, shouting, complaining to agent, ignoring her... Just nothing changes. I do really appreciate both advice and a place to vent.

She could leave her bedroom door open, and let the light from her room light her way down the corridor, cruikshank - keeping the door nearly closed so on my the minimum of light needed gets into the corridor - that might be better than the main light in the corridor going on and being left on.

Dh often has to get up very early - we live near Glasgow and he commutes to London - so he will be up at 4.30am, and he does his best to get up quietly and without disturbing me - and he manages this reasonably well. If he can do that when we share a bedroom, the OP's flat mate could do it too.

I do think, though, blacking out the top light above the door is a good idea - I've done this with a sheet of cardboard, and it means it doesn't matter that dh puts the bathroom light on, because the light from the bathroom top light doesn't disturb me.

MrsCorbyn - can I ask how blunt you have been? Have you told her she smells when she doesn't shower, that she behaves in a skanky, dirty manner, and that no-one likes her the way she behaves?

She is bullying you, you have to fight back and make sure you win.

If you consider a combination of that and not embracing full on confrontation with someone with no manners, empathy, social awareness or common decency daft then good for you.

But but but that is exactly why you have to go for full on confrontation!!! She is a bully. You have to make her move out. There is no other option. Except moving yourself. Or letting her beat you into the ground.

What is wrong with confrontation?

If someone went in my room and I shouted at them to leave and they didn't, they would find themselves physically manhandled out of the room.

Also, cover up your window! There's NO WAY I'd put up with sleep disturbances when there was a simple solution.

Yes, she's a twat, but you need to start being harder.

Do you all want rid of her OP? You need to get the other flatmates together, come up with a plan and then sit her down and tell her what you are going to do. Repeating myself here but here are suggestions:

1. No more buying her things. Don't give her even a piece of toilet roll. Set up a household kitty (assuming you haven't already) to buy communal things. As soon as she doesn't pay, she doesn't get a share.

1. Find a way to lock your things away. Sure it's a PITA having things in your room, but it's not forever and it's better leaving filthy dishes around the place which is an invitation for bacteria and vermin. Not to mention, your her housemate- not her slave.

1. If she annoys you, you need to bluntly tell her to leave you alone in anyway possible. Or just ignore her. Part of me says she's just plain stupid, part of me tells me she is a childish moron who is doing it for the attention. I've not met her, so I couldn't tell you for sure.

1. You need to talk to her about her personal hygiene. The odour she must emit mustn't be pleasant for you to live in. As I said earlier, be the bigger person and do the girl a favour. Sure, it might not be what people call "nice"- but I'd rather people tell me I smell like I've rolled in dog shit then slag me off for it behind my back- which you are doing, and that's definitely the worse of the two.

1. If she is pissing all over toilet seats, you need to confront her- hand her a bottle of cleaner and tell her to clean it up.

Seriously- change. If you don't change, neither will she. Would you? I've asked you that four times now and you haven't been able to answer but I already know it- of course you wouldn't.

In fact- the more I think about it, the more I'm adamant she's just a snake and taking advantage of the good nature of all of you.

I'm sure your parents raised you to be kind and polite- but I'm sure they wouldn't want their child to be taken for a mug and being made a fool of.

Honestly, because it's harder in person and tbh a part of me pities her, could you guys actually tell someone to their face that they stink and you want them nowhere near you? To their face? Maybe it's because I'm an only child.. I don't know. I would/am struggling to be that blunt as a part of Ms thinks she's just not very bright.

Thank you, I'm only saying 'yes but' because I value your opinions and want more advice

That's a point. I am very very over polite naice middle class and she is the opposite and will shout and swear. I haven't said because it's not about class / snobbism / language

I've shouted about stuff, washing, tidying. I haven't about personal hygiene because she already calls me a princess and thinks o think I'm better than her when i pull her up on the domestic stuff

If someone was constantly following me around my own home and nosing into my business and I didn't want them to, then they would be told to fuck off. It would be like being a prisoner to me. It's harassment. How have you tried to tell her before? Would you like it if someone continuously came up to you on the street and nosed into your business? It's no different to me.

And over the smell- sorry, but yes I would. The smell must linger and be all over the furniture. As I said- life isn't always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and this pampered princess either needs to learn the hard way or someone needs to finally stand up to her.

I know it's annoying to have to go down the 'mine is mine' route but that's what you really are going to have to do if you don't want to move out.

Get some black card over the bedroom to hall windows section like, today. Job done. Major part of confrontation over.

Fully disengage. She came into your room 3 times. Why did you let that happen? First time you say politely "please leave, I do not want you in my room". Second time you raise your voice and the third time you go radio mental at her. Although if you just locked your door she wouldn't be coming in anyway.

Gather up all of your pans and plates and everything, get them clean and keep them in a big plastic box in your room. Any dirty plates etc can then be piled by her door.

I bet if you tried though you could get a small lock from B&Q for the kitchen cupboards that could be screwed in.

Set up a house kitty. £3 a week each for toilet roll and cleaning products or whatever you think you need. If she doesn't pay, she didn't get. All toilet roll is removed from the bathroom and divided up between the other housemates.

i bet if you all just stopped talking to her and totally froze her out, after a few weeks of being marginalised she would want to move out. No one wants to live with other people who look straight through you and can't hear a thing you say. All this shouting at each other and her coming into your room just makes her think you have a relationship and this is how she interacts.

You are better than her OP, and in this circumstance- there's nothing wrong with that.

Either way you look at it- she's an adult and should know better. She wanted to be a grown up and live away from home- she needs to accept the responsibility that comes with that.

I do tell her: constantly. It's easier because I have a very calm brilliant DP who cleans, looks after me, deals with her.

You're right. I'm being weak. I'm just so concerned with not being a cow. Never been in this situation before and I went to boarding school then shared a room
At uni

Don't pile anything by her door. Open it, and throw them in. Otherwise your still looking at her mess. She goes into your room- so you open her door and put things into hers.

What implication will being a cow have for you? Your completely different people from the sounds of it so your never going to be friends. I'm sure your DP is just as frustrated as you and won't think anything less of you if you finally stand up to her. Your agent sounds like a pile of shit so I can't see you losing a roof over your head.

You have absolutely nothing to loose.

Great MrsCorbyn use the naice Middle Class freeze. Let her shout and swear. Freeze her out. Don't hide your stuff from her - just ignore her. Don't ream her out at 5am - ignore her 24/7. Behave as if you have a poltergeist in the home your family has inhabited since 1543. Accept her as part of your enviroment, make her a funny story for your friends - don't take her on.

That's all well and good Grey- but why should the OP clean someone else's piss off toilet seats??