To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Know many many people go through worse than me and this could be bloody self indulgent for which apologise but no amount cbt, distraction, sleep etc shifting deep primal fear that anxiety had throughout this pregnancy that have somehow how harmed the child, currently through the anxiety itself, and only thing found helpful on other threads been those kind enough to share stories of rubbish pregnancies with happy healthy endings. Were you stressed and anxious and tearful and or generally terrified and bonkers for nine months more than glowing? Did you come out the other side?! We're your babies affected or ok or even ok in the end?!

Before I met DH and had my kids I had an extended period of extreme anxiety, really as serious as it can be without being forcibly sectioned kind of level. I beat it (with help of course) and it went. It did return when I was pregnant the first time a few years later. Mine was very much panic and obsessive thoughts, so obviously being pregnant was a nightmare the first time, ruminating constantly, intrusive thoughts, that kind of thing. I went back into treatment and when he was born and my hormones leveled it mostly vanished and then got tidied up with therapy, that was 19 years ago and it hasn't been back since.

DS was 100% happy and healthy, despite me having multiple daily panic attacks and all the rest of it. Oddly enough I wasn't worried at all once he was out, I felt very confident once he was with me on the outside, I was just freaking about him being in me and doing something to hurt him and there were other issues too non relating to him and my pregnancy. All very strange and I look back at that time with utter bewilderment now.

Had 5 more kids after him with very balanced and healthy happy pregnancies.

I've read some of your threads I really hope you're ok, big hug and from me

Oh Sleepless You are doing so well, you really are.

I had a rubbish pregnancy for different reasons to you - had hyperemesis and was going through an awful time with work and family life for various miserable reasons. Lots of crying, lots of worrying, lots of lying awake for hours feeling like my baby must be suffering too, from all the stress and the sickness and the awful diet and the drugs.

Anyway she was fine, and is a huge and healthy toddler now. But I remember not long after she was born and she was sleeping on my chest, curled up like she was in the womb, and it struck me that what she wanted most in the world at that stage was to feel like she was back inside me. All the slings and white noise and skin-to-skin, it's all done to mimic the feeling of being in the womb for them. So all the time I felt like being inside me must be awful for her - to her, it was the best and happiest place in the world.

These are so so kind and helpful!!! So sorry you have both been through the mill but so glad you've come through and so grateful to you for sharing this with me xxx

Have you been to the GP or spoken to a midwife? Perhaps medication might help

I also had a very traumatic pregnancy and he is a happy healthy boy. I made sure to try and get as much fresh air and rest as possible.

Gp fab but basically got to stick with private cbt and or take meds.... Thanks so much for sharing this hugely appreciate it xxx

I was extremely anxious through my pregnancy. I listened to a pregnancy relaxation CD (not sure which one now but bought it through Amazon, it has excellent reviews), had acupuncture and went to a pregnancy yoga class. If nothing else these were a preoccupation that distracted me for long enough to stop being anxious and helped stop the vicious circle. My DS is coming up to 3 and probably the most laid back child I've ever come across good luck

Of course, if it's too much please seek help from your gp or midwife. Positive thinking and yoga can only get you so far. Sometimes we need a bit more help and that's OK

Hi OP, I also had a very anxious pregnancy. It was my fourth round of ivf, I got pregnant with twins, lost one twin then had subchorionic hematoma (bleeding from placenta) throughout the pregnancy with the remaining twin. I was on bed rest from 12 weeks pregnant and at some point developed heart problems and SPD. Meanwhile my father was dying abroad. He died just weeks before I gave birth. My waters broke at 33 weeks.

My son is now 4 and perfectly healthy. We had a rocky start but bonded instantly and he has no sequels.

Hang in there OP. Your baby is fine.

Good grief farandole - that is a rough ride

My 4th pregnancy was a complete shock and I was very anxious from the moment I realised I was pregnant to the day she arrived.

I was very sick with all mine and our family was complete and the thought of going through it all again was terrifying!

I managed it by taking it a day at a time and practicing cbt techniques as much as I could. I also took anti sickness medication which also made me sleepy and sort of calmed me. I took up cross stitch too (which I still do). Also I was able to remind myself that the baby days would be lovely and it would be worth it and would one day all just be a nasty memory. And that is what happened!

My dd2 is now nearly 3. She is happy and bright as a button. The nightmare pregnancy doesn't seem to have had any ill effects on her.

I have seen your earlier threads and you are doing so well. I hope you can find a way through x

I am just in awe of you all - amazing and awful what you have been through but so generous and strong in sharing and appreciate it so so much. You are true role models, I mean that, really hope I can have your strength, thank you so so
Much. God I love mumsnet xxx

I had horrific antenatal depression and anxiety with ds - dd was delivered prem and was in nicu for a month as she was very poorly, and following her birth I had 2 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. I was also treated appallingly by a diabetic clinic nurse during my pregnancy with ds which involved her telling me that the high doses of insulin I was taking (ok'd by my consultant incidentally) would basically harm or kill him. I became convinced that he would be still born and stopped attending diabetic clinic altogether. I also struggled to get my obs consultant to confirm I would have an elective c section and saw a registrar who tried to pressure me into a vbac. So by 28 weeks I was a mess and ended up having an hour appointment/debrief with a midwife which helped a little, but not masses.

By 37 weeks I had developed ore eclampsia again and was utterly convinced he needed out, to the extent that I had a complete meltdown during a routine monitoring appointment on a Saturday and after I nearly punched a registrar who told me I was being 'hysterical and silly' they ended up having to phone the lead obs consultant on the golf course to get him to agree to put me in the elective section book for the Tuesday because they couldn't get me to stop howling and hyperventilating. I saw my own consultant on the Monday and he readily agreed that things were headed south and ds needed out and agreed to the section the next day.

The day of my ELSCS I would only tell my parents (caring for ds) that he was being delivered as I couldn't face the idea of people trying to contact me when I was convinced my baby would die. Luckily my elective was a brilliant experience, ds was absolutely fine, and huge, his blood sugars however did dip to the very minimum allowed before he'd have needed to go to SCBU, so I did have some pleasure in letting the vile registrar know that the 'silly' pregnant woman might have had a point after all!

Long story short - yes, it was fucking awful and I spent most of my pregnancy terrified BUT despite complicating medical factors and a bad history, my baby was fine, he's now a strapping five year old who's as healthy as a horse. I'm sorry you're going through a similarly bad time but I wanted to reassure you that despite suffering, my outcome was really really positive and I got a lovely great 10lb bruiser of a baby out of the deal.

Jesus that is horrific you poor poor woman - why are some doctors and nurses so unreasonable?! In fairness my treatment when I've been able to get it has been excellent apart from one team in Barnet, there's just not been nearly enough of it. Really really happy for you that it worked out so well, thank you for telling me your story xxxx

With my first my anxiety and depression was horrific. I had anxiety so bad I was scared to do anything as I constantly feared I wasn't good enough to be pregnant. I felt like everything I did would "break" the baby. I lived in constant fear. I had extensive cbt and councelling and was on meds.

My "baby" is now into double figures and growing into an amazing young woman. She has had no developmental issues, no major illnesses etc.

My doctor told me that she believes antenatal depression is fairly common but many women fear seeking help for fear of being judged. Depression has stigma anyway but during pregnancy it's worse as you are made to feel like you should be so happy, so grateful, so blessed etc.

My child was planned. I was very happily married. We had a decent house, good wage etc. I had morning sickness and niggly issues but no major illnesses or problems. On the outside everything was perfect but honestly I detested every second of being pregnant. Try saying that to someone. They look at you like you said you murdered your firstborn.

Stay strong, keep going and know there are survivors. We did it and you can too. My anxiety lifted very soon after dds birth. I was off drugs within a few months and totally fine.

I'm so sorry you went through this too but so pleased you came out the other side!!!! I wish we had more openness about these issues, not to mention clearer treatments in place!!!! In stronger moments fantasise about starting public campaign but suspect will be too shattered for some time to come!!! Xxxx

I'd love to ask how long it took for you all to come back from the brink and be confident babies unharmed? The past 6 months plus it sounds cliched but I honestly haven't recognised myself. In January was successful professional, happily married, confident, socially outgoing, bought a house, had savings.... Now blown lot on care, living with parents as dh works long hrs and scared to be in on own, crying at work which i had never done, constantly on edge and frightened and then loads of petty stupid things too like not being sure if friends really like me, being unsure to text or not in case am clingy, generally having no faith in judgement on anything. Am scared this will carry on postpartum and will be paranoid about my baby too. Got plan in place - basically dh got 6 weeks off work and I have large box of Prozac to start after birth - but even in moments believe all advice that he won't be harmed am scared he'll never know his real confident, cheerful, happy mum just this nervous awkward shadow person!

I suffered with horrific ante-natal depression, before it was recognised as a 'thing.' I was in tears for probably 50% of my pregnancy. I also got quite bad pre-eclampsia and had to be induced early.

My DS is one of the most confident, clever kids I have ever met, I am incredibly proud of him, so no, it had no lasting effects for him.

And as for me, I was just so relieved not to be pregnant anymore that I was the happiest mum in the world, apart from one massive crying fit a couple of days after the birth I never stopped smiling and enjoying life, it was an amazing transformation.

It's great that you have a plan in place and that you are so self aware, you can do this. Good luck!

There are mental health midwives, it might help if you spoke to one?

Thank you both for this - i have done, getting some support from
Uclh but only every few weeks and doesn't seem to be much they're really able to do! Thanks again for support, so so valued xxx

It was less than a week after ds was born. I had horrific pp depression with dd (not really surprising given what we went through) and wondered if I'd have the same with ds.

I was euphoric taking him home at 48 hours old, dh and I popped him on the bed between us and just kept saying "he's 2 days old...and he's HOME!" with an air of wonder. When he was 4 days old I had to take him back in to hospital for jaundice - my mum and duster cane as unfortunately dh was doing some freelance work. I was so hysterical the paeds de couldn't understand me because I thought he'd go into SCBU and I couldn't bear it. My sister had to translate for me. Fortunately we had a private room on the paeds ward not SCBU and after 24 hours on a billi blanket he came home again. I think that was the point that I realised he was absolutely fine, I had him home to stay, and the clouds just lifted, it was an epiphany.

I had dreadful ante-natal anxiety (was carrying twins)....no sleep, fear of being in the house, out of the house, couldn't eat and obsessive thinking etc etc. I went through the darkest imaginable thoughts about both myself and the babies. Previously I had been desperate to be pregnant and was a confident outgoing professional. Whilst pregnant I started obsessively asking questions of friends about how to manage. I was about 90% bonkers. During the pregnancy I was admitted to hospital for potential malnutrition because I couldn't eat (anxiety). I didn't get any other support as ante-natal depression just wasn't recognised. Within a day of giving birth I began to feel the anxiety lift and the fear go. Even during the worst sleepless nights and whilst learning to cope with twin babies I didn't feel the same depression and anxiety. Both the babies were fine and neither were harmed by the extreme physical and mental stress I was under. They are now strapping teens and doing just fine....

I wish you well and you have my heartfelt sympathy. It is something that I think many women go through, but not many talk about.

xxxxxxxxxx

PS - was interviewed by the Telegraph at the time about it, as they did a big piece on ante-natal depression/anxiety. It might help you if you can find it. It would be 1998 if it is still available.

xxxx

Both mu sister and I went through really traumatic periods whilst we were pregnant (mother being diagnosed as terminally I'll, treatment and death) and both our babies are perfect. I remember feeling intensely guilty over not even thinking about my baby as I had too much to think about with mum. My midwife reassured me that my baby was well protected in the womb and that my body was taking care of her. She was actually breech and my midwife said that it was because she was trying to stay close to my heart as I was having so much upset (which I thought was quite cute!) x

Have they told you you can't start prozac til after the birth? Because my consultant was fine with starting antidepressants in 2nd trimester. My daughter is now 16 and absolutely fine, lovely girl. Had a terrible time till the meds kicked in, ferocious, constant, panicky anxiety, unable to sleep, slight bleeding leading to panic and certainty she was dead. They also gave me valium to help me through worst period until the antidepressants took effect, because I was exhausted from not sleeping.