To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Know many many people go through worse than me and this could be bloody self indulgent for which apologise but no amount cbt, distraction, sleep etc shifting deep primal fear that anxiety had throughout this pregnancy that have somehow how harmed the child, currently through the anxiety itself, and only thing found helpful on other threads been those kind enough to share stories of rubbish pregnancies with happy healthy endings. Were you stressed and anxious and tearful and or generally terrified and bonkers for nine months more than glowing? Did you come out the other side?! We're your babies affected or ok or even ok in the end?!

Thank you both - thought leach would be safe!!! So pleased all your friends are doing well and sure the book is silly anyway. Got a goal of another couple of days til it's been a week without total meltdown -
Thank you so so much for all your support!!! Xxxxx

Hi OP, I had terrible anxiety from the moment I knew I was pregnant until my DS was born. My first baby was stillborn and I was convinced my DS would die too. In fact I was so anxious I could barely get out of bed some days. My anxiety seemed to mostly manifest itself in fear of germs/illness (despite that having nothing to do with my first baby's death) and living in London meant I was almost housebound for fear of germs. I had to stop going to work as I couldn't cope with public transport. I cried at least every day and pushed my DH to his absolute limit, there was at least one screaming row each week as he struggled to deal with my totally irrational fears.
I did have a wonderfully supportive counsellor who I saw once a month and then once a week towards the end. I also had acupuncture which helped for the time I was in with her (and then afterwards I would worry about the acupuncture hurting the baby).
What I'm trying to say is, my anxiety was crippling but my DS is wonderful and healthy (he is 19 months now). If anxiety and stress could harm a baby then he certainly wouldn't be here.
Regarding after the birth, my counsellor was sure the anxiety would just vanish instantly and whilst I was significantly better very soon the anxiety has taken time to fade. I would say within 4/5 months j was functioning "normally" but before that time I probably just came across as a highly strung first time mum rather than anything out of the ordinary.
I still have the occasional irrational fears that tend to be worse when I am stressed about something else, but generally I am SO much better. Like you, I had fears that the crippling anxiety would be with me forever and I would be a recluse.
I found that a list of practical chores got me through the last few weeks, and a lot of resting and watching tv/mumsnetting.
You are very nearly there, well done and keep going, just take it each half day at a time.

Earth I'm so sorry you went through all that and so impressed you cane out so well the other side, especially that your boy is doing so well. Been an ok week then nervous again today, think just as so sleepy from waking up all the time. 2 and a bit more weeks til 37 then just going to will him to come so can care for him and take ADs and hopefully see all my fears wholly irrational! They sure as hell feel rational today!!!!

How you feeling today? Would requesting a c section help? Then at least you know when the baby will arrive and how it will happen. I only say as this really helped me second time round.

Thank you for asking! Been much calmer this weekend for some reason, not really sure why but feels like some sort of progress!!! got scan Tuesday and will ask what they think re c section as think may be good idea xxx

Oh god.... feeling super nervous. Meeting dear, lovely friend for dinner tonight and so scared. She's pregnant too but normal and happy and I've been mental and stressed and despite really ok week now just so worried will be mental or get self conscious and make twat of myself. Really want to go home and watch rest of Dr foster in pjs but can't keep hiding.... Avoided almost everyone bar family and dh for so long and is getting stupid.Worried will end up getting all anxious again then worried anxiety harming baby again and generally being a knob.... Tell me to sort it out!!!!!

Go enjoy yourself! Just blame hormones if you feel twattish at any point and say your tired if you need to come home early. The fact you're able to think about meeting a friend is something you should give yourself a huge pat on the back over! Rooting for you Xxx

Hope you enjoyed seeing your friend and had a lovely hug with bumps

PS with the c section , they might dismiss it out of hand but have a think and if it's really what you want you can insist on it for mh reasons. I did and it was the best thing I could have done, wish I'd done it first time round. Personally after the horror of the pregnancy anxiety, I wish I'd had a peaceful ish, predicable start to motherhood.

Was, predictably, lovely. Still worried and fearful and think always going to be til have clear evidence not to be but can't be a hermit!!! Thank you for your support!!! Xxxx

I tried to insist on MH grounds whilst in a MBU and wasn't allowed one despite getting an advocate, my CPN etc all to argue for one... I was refused in the basis it wouldn't have any benefit to the health of my baby o me mentally or phusically

In the event I needed an EMCS after I had completed labour anyway

However he is still a perfect healthy 3 year old

I hope you find a much kinder consultant if you really have your heart set on a c section! I have been told it's easier to request with 2nd kids than your first...

I'm going to add this onto my list of threads to reply too. It's one that's really close to me... But I'm trying to "parent" today. Suffering from bastard kidney infection, family can never be arsed to help with DS and I've done nothing but cry all morning...
Xx

Went into UCLH yesterday as baby hadn't moved for ages and they found a good heartbeat and was reassured. Was actually pretty calm throughout whole thing, only went in on midwife advice as tend to second guess myself with these things eg "are you sure you're not just being nuts again" and the midwife was lovely, commenting on how calm I was. So it's not just a general anxiety as don't think could have caused him to stop moving, it's a specific anxiety that I have harmed him somehow: today with coke (see another thread, woman at work commenting on one I was drinking) or more generally with all the stress. Feel weird sense of superficially calm but internally petrified / resigned to dread of what's going to come that I've caused. Know will ultimately have to cope with anything but just praying is not something will link to stress!!! Did anyone else feel like this?

I spent my entire pregnancy with Ds on edge and panicking. Tbh it was the worst time of my lifeS every time I went to the loo I was paranoid I'd be bleeding, every time he had a sleep Id think he had died, if I rolled over in my sleep Id think I'd squashed him, I thought the fact I was overweight meant Id die in labour and so would he etc etc.

He's almost 9 now ?? and fine. Labour and birth was actually amazing and though he was a non sleeper I was so much happier and relaxed with a newborn that I was during pregnancy.

He does possibly have dyspraxia but not severely and otherwiSe is absolutely perfect and a right little sod at times.

I wasn't nearly as anxious in my next pregnancy but did suffer from PND that time so I think pregnancy just does something to my hormones which affects my brain!

Stay strong OP you and baby can get through this and it'll be worth it x 10000

I lived on Coke throughout my pregnancy. With hyperemesis it was all I could keep down a lot of the time; I even used to freeze it into ice cubes to suck when I couldn't manage liquids any other way. Pretty much kept Coca-Cola, Inc in business for nine months. My daughter is fine

Glad all is okay!

As I say my DS is fine and I had severe anxiety and depression. I identify with it being the fear of being responsible for something going wrong. In planning out the future pregnancy I hope to have im already finding myself trying to control all the variables... But I wish I could just let go and accept what will be will be, after all it will be regardless of how much I worry about things x

I did a pregnancy on high dose fluoxitine and had a very healthy baby, despite my gp having kittens over it. All the obstetricians I came into contact with were in agreement withdrawn my decision to stay on my normal mediation, despite a small risk. Their view was that untreated depression was more dangerous. I then did another pregnancy where I relented to the pressure from my gp and changed to sertraline. Big mistake rocking the boat. Awful pregnancy and I ended up having a breakdown and csec because I was too distressed to go through labour. Baby was considerably smaller than my previous two, with a crappy placenta, and I'm sure it was because I was less able to look after myself due to struggling with the new medication.

Thanks everyone - so so helpful and supportive as ever. Just want to press fast forward to being self again assuming that ever happens!!! Really appreciate all your help, so so kind and absolutely priceless x

Bloody hell, sorry to post again: sat outside hospital, scan in fifteen mins and just terrified to see him as feel so so guilty for having harmed him. Cbt etc works so long as it keeps mind off it all being dealt but it's is real and I feel so sure that I have harmed him. I know this isn't a maths or science forum so stupid to ask this but no idea how so many studies can show stress harmful then psychiatrist says metastudy of all studies shows its not. How do they get it wrong? This is me being stupid j know. Wish wasn't such a weak and useless person when get like this but I am and it's bloody terrifying.

Well worrying about worrying won't be helpful even if that were true?

I know it's very difficult but you cannot change what has already happened. Either you accept chances are he'll be fine or you accept you may have harmed him by worrying. Either way worrying now is definitely the wrong thing to do isn't it?

Fwiw as I've said before ds is fine

Thank you and you're absolutely right too. Found out had anterior placenta which explains why sometimes not felt so many kicks and also just decided that if doctors all said have not harmed him then actually only sane thing to do is hold on to that, remind self is anxiety talking whenever I feel differently and then accept / try to believe if anything does go wrong it was always going to. Easier to say than fully believe but do believe that sane people I love and who know as much as me think it's the truth!

Studies can often be biased, or have flaws and so by combining as many known studies as possible into one big metastudy it can often show things that weren't expected from the outcomes of the smaller individual studies

If you download bad science by Ben goldacre he explains meta-analysis in his first chapter I think x

So many informed brilliant people here - not to mention kind!!! Think big part of my problem is used to being and working in field where feel confident about everything but it's a pretty small world really and so all these studies etc don't just confuse they terrify me because I can't understand them and it sends me into a tailspin. Need to get over self and calm the hell down. You're all brilliant. Thank you. Do you think plan of accepting anything that does happen always would makes sense? Even studies I've read that scare me say mix of environment and genes so anything he has he was always going to some extent? Or not? Will love him whatever just don't think can bear feeling guilt for any problems if is my fault.

I think in the end any parent has to just accept come what may and deal with any guilt secondary to helping their child through any struggles they face.

I expect many parents feel guilt even utterly irrational guilt such as passing on unknown genetic condition. I watched a programme (forget which some disability awareness doc) a while back where a mum was admitting she was eaten up with guilt over her child's condition - but it was entirely out of her control and just bad genes that she didn't even know she had when she got pregnant. Nobody ever would believe it was her fault, except her

It's one of the downsides to motherhood, mom guilt, thankfully there's many upsides to outweigh it. Problem with pregnancy is you don't yet have your hands full to distract you from dwelling on things x

True.... Just wish mine could be 100% classed as irrational!!!! Dh, parents, gp seems to think it is but I can't shake feeling it isn't...Thanks again for your support.