To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Know many many people go through worse than me and this could be bloody self indulgent for which apologise but no amount cbt, distraction, sleep etc shifting deep primal fear that anxiety had throughout this pregnancy that have somehow how harmed the child, currently through the anxiety itself, and only thing found helpful on other threads been those kind enough to share stories of rubbish pregnancies with happy healthy endings. Were you stressed and anxious and tearful and or generally terrified and bonkers for nine months more than glowing? Did you come out the other side?! We're your babies affected or ok or even ok in the end?!

Poor you. Sending masses of love.

I survived. During my first pregnancy: DH lost his job, I almost lost my job, I developed sudden and unexpected PTSD from something from years back, I was assaulted again, I was diagnosed with a life-limiting heart condition... I had to fight incredibly hard to get the support I needed, and the HV worked rather hard to undo all of the support I finally received. I considered termination, I considered suicide.

But I survived. I survived because

• I managed after much hard work to find an incredible midwife
• the Union reps who managed to save my job and negotiate DH a reasonable redundancy package, the cleaner who did all the housework I couldn't, the bath which had hot water in it
• DH and family stuck with me, as did my very best friend and church and the God I believe in
• DD was, from the minute she popped out, the most beautiful little girl on the planet

I got pregnant again very quickly afterwards. The second pregnancy was much easier - physically much tougher (DD, though lovely, was not a quiet or undemanding baby!) but easier because I was able to anticipate a lot of the issues and anxiety I'd be facing, to talk about it and to look for the support I needed.

I survived. DD and DS are absolutely fine, and indeed very gorgeous.

Based on my experience, I'd offer, I think, the following advice

• focus on the absolute basics first:are you hydrated, warm enough, eating properly, clean, financially OK, free from abuse or harm? If not, those are the issues to address first and foremost

• do you have the medical and/or emotional support you need? If not, persevere. The cuts do mean that a lot is disappearing, but sites like MN can be great up-to-date sources of advocacy, advice, signposting

• if it all feels too much, do whatever it takes to make you feel safe.

Hope this helps.

Thank you all so so much for these hugely kind and brave words! Did look up telegraph story but just found load of scary things about stress being damaging so ignoring that!! You've all really given me courage - thank you. Am lucky to have mn, and wonderful family in real life plus good number of friends I know I can rely on just some am worried about but probably irrationally! As a pp said on another thread just need to keep on keeping on!!!! Thank you all so much for all your kindness, really does keep me going :). Xxxxx

I remember your other threads! You're doing brilliantly and I think of you often and I'm so glad you made the decision you did. How far along are you? X

I suffered pretty bad antenatal depression with a tad of anxiety. I have suffered off an on all my life (diagnosed bipolar and bpd) so I was expecting it tbh.

Mine started around 25 weeks. My 28 weeks I was barely functioning. Luckily I'm a teacher and summer hols started at 29 weeks. If it hadn't I would have had to leave early. I literally just managed to survive 28-40 weeks. They were worried about post natal psychosis but that never happened. I was ok after birth but it came back around 1 yo which was unexpected.

My dd1 is bright, happy, healthy and confident.

We lost dd2 at 22 weeks earlier in the year. My depression was creeping back before we lost her. My dd1 has coped remarkably through my pnd and the past few months of greif. They tell me babies and children are resilient, they bloody are!

You are doing really well sleepless. Keep talking.

You are so so strong - what do you think helped you come through it? xxx

Me? I don't feel strong!

Tbh the thing that's got me through was finding an amazing specialist counsellor and actually applying the stuff I learnt about myself into the rest of my life. It sounds very simple but it's bloody well not! It's the hardest thing ever.

I've had many years of mh issues, a good few, long therapy sessions and I've got better but not great.

I've now learnt to allow my feelings, whatever they are. To sit with them an accept that they will pass. I have also learnt to truly be kind to myself. I physically hug myself now when I'm having a hard time (I find it very hard to let others in and comfort me so I have to do it myself). I also see myself from the outside and talk to myself as if I would a good friend, in a kind an comforting way.

Written down it sounds proper mental but it works for me. I guess my comforting self talk if I were in your situation (obviously I have no idea what's fully going on in your mind so I'm guessing) would be something like 'I know you're feeling anxious, your heart is racing and your mind is spinning. It's not surprising, you have so much going on and you are unwell. You are doing really well, you are doing your best to look after yourself, you are talking and not internalising. These feelings are horrid, I know they are, but they will pass and you will feel ok again soon' I always talk to myself in the third person. I'd probably do it while hugging myself and possibly rocking.

I am aware how weird that all sounds. It is very random and I imagine won't work for most people. It's the only thing that works for me in the darkest moments.

I guess it's like an emotional holding your breath until things stabilise again.

This is all really good advice - will do my best to try to follow it!!! Thanks so much for your support xxxx

I had antenatal depression and anxiety plus hyperemesis til 27 weeks, polyhydramniosis diagned at 20 week scan and then spd/pgp from week 29.
I basically puked and sobbed from week 5 onwards. I was so upset when I went to see my gp at 26 weeks he thought I was asking for a termination because I was convinced I would be a dreadful mother, that I couldn't cope. I was already on antidepressants so my dose was increased and I met up with the mental health midwife. I have a history of depression and was also terrified of developing pnd or psychosis. (I didn't). I was signed off work which helped and I spent a lot of time stroking my bump and talking to it. I had a really good MN baby group on Facebook who were brilliantly supportive and have become real life friends

DD was induced at 39 weeks and spent almost a week in NICU and the day we finally left the hospital was the best day O have ever ever had. I've never had that level of anxiety again, DD is 2 in November and absolutely thriving. She's advanced with her speech and makes me laugh every single day just through being her funny cute and precocious self. I've been shocked at how laidback I am about her.
Once she started smiling at me and then reaching her arms out for me and now she shouts "Mummy home, cuddles please" how could I have ever doubted I would br good enough for her?

You amazing woman!!! Did you find the mw helpful? I try talking to bump but guilt seems to get in the way.... Find time off work harder too as less distraction from crazy scary thoughts x

Sleepless, thank you for starting this thread. You will be helping so many people to sleep a little easier tonight. how much longer do you have to go?
I am 20 weeks and suffering horrendous anxiety (dd stillborn 40+5 in March) I feel terrible thinking that this baby can feel my sadness and fear and bleeding Google doesn't help! Your thread is helping, nice to know it isn't all doom and gloom.
To all of the amazing ladies who have shared their stories x

I'm so sorry about your dd and glad to think any of this in some small way helping. Have two due dates and 33 weeks today based on earliest. Getting worried will get worse before end am afraid simply as sleep more and more disrupted and also as birth approaches all more and more real and part of cbt been to not focus on worries can't do anything about but with birth round corner feels like those worries coming alive!!! For what it's worth none of the doctors I've seen think that the baby can feel your emotions so please don't worry! Hope you are getting good support xxxxx

33 weeks, you are on the home straight, just keep breathing and you will get through my lovely. I totally understand about the disturbed sleep though. Night times can be very long can't they? I can get to sleep fine, but it is staying asleep which is the problem. I either lay there suffering the flashbacks from my little angel's birth, or panicking about the same thing happening again. I have just started sessions with a psychologist at the hospital, which my lovely consultant put me in contact with. I am very lucky I can't complain about the support I am being given, they are all so lovely. I look forward to hearing your happy baby news in 7 weeks or so

Thank you!! Had some info from my hospital psychologist yesterday which was both depressing and bizaarely helpful at the same time and echos some things pps have mentioned and I wanted to share it in case helpful for others. Firstly, she thinks from her experience antenatal depression hugely underreported as people think they should be happy and that actually some women so often so unhappy esp if living in poverty or with unsupportive let alone violent partners they don't even recognise the symptoms. Clearly this is bleak but her point was that if there were significant effects from this we would know as it's so widespread we'd see more children affected. Also, she said this is a fairly understudied area but in part because limited reports of any impact. Eg the reason people investigated smoking / booze / other things we know aren't fab in pregnancy is because people noticed an impact and so looked into it. Obviously no one can be 100% certain (anxious part of me hates hates hates this but doing best not to freak out) that stress completely harmless but if any serious impact we woul know by now. Hope have phrased this helpfully. Do find others' stories of coming through with unaffected little ones and getting selves back on track too so so inspiring and helpful so if anyone else has any more would love to keep hearing them too! Thanks everyone xxxx

Just bumping as find these stories so so reassuring and wondering if anyone else has a story to share. Am worried that the fact have literally been anxious from pretty much the start will hurt him more than if something had happened early on that I moved on from or later than only affected the end say. Instead been weird unrecognisable teary mess with churning anxious stomach for best part of seven and a half months now so any reassurance at all of anyone with any similar experience whose dc came out ok so so welcome! By ok mainly mean ultimately cheerful!! Sounds flippant but really don't care if this kid is brainy or gorgeous or good at sports or has any kind of problems at all, teach at inclusive comp and love them all, so long as they are in themselves able to be happy and have a good life.

Anyone? Especially keen to know how you managed the last few weeks, getting scared feelings will be harder to control and will risk harming him with these feelings. Am really quite scared, more and more.

I think I mentally shut down the weeks before birth. Didn't get excited or anything, nothing (which I'm guessing you'd love right now) but I know that was my minds way of coping with too much anxiety.

I know it might sound glib, and please don't take it that way, but have you tried any mindfulness stuff? I use a 3 min breathing exercise when I get stuck in that loop (I can't do it again, it will happen again, how will I cope?) which really helps me. I also use the calm.dom app to help me focus on the mindfulness. I find when I'm in the anxiety loop I can't follow mindfulness on my own, I need a voice leading me though.

It might not be helpful at all, or you may do it already, but it might be worth giving it a go

Apart from everything else keep reminding yourself just how well you are doing. Because you really are. I'm in awe of your strength x

I had a proper rough ride with pregnancy, due to my bipolar disorder. I was severely depressed, and anxious all the time - it was hellish. I came through and now have a happy, healthy 18 month old boy - there is absolutely nothing wrong with him at all! :)

Can't add anything as I'm only just 7+2 with my first and my anxiety is incredibly bad at the moment. I'm trying to make a decision whether to continue or terminate as the dark thoughts I'm having are like nothing I've ever experienced - as I've never been pregnant before, I don't know what it's supposed to 'feel' like and my hormones are all over the place. I've totally disengaged from everything, the thought of going shopping for baby clothes, telling people or even calling it a 'baby', makes me incredibly sad and want to cry, rather than be happy.

All of your posts above are really inspiring and it's nice to hear that despite a lot of worries and dark periods, you came out the other side and are really enjoying Motherhood

Anxious was not even the word. I had constant panic attacks for the majority of my pregnancy. I completely lost my mind and contemplated suicide almost daily. I couldn't cope with feeling like that. Luckily I got therapy and that helped enough to get me through.

It stopped the minute dd was born. I didn't get pnd, dd is absolutely perfect and was not damaged by my anxiety at all. When I held her everything snappped into place and I couldn't understand why I had been in such a state. Obviously I loved my baby, obviously I would be able to care for her as I would die for that little baby girl.

She is a happy child, pretty laid back, well behaved, such a good girl. The anxiety had no effect on her at all.

You will be ok op, this is not a sign of what the future holds, it is just a blip. Honestly, you will be ok.

Dd is nearly two by the way.

Can I tell you about the moment I met her? After all the anxiety it was the most crystal clear, perfect moment I have ever had. I had a c section because I was raped years ago and I was terrified that a vaginal birth would tip me over the edge.

When they tried to get her out, she shifted up into my ribs as if she didn't want to leave me, but they got her out.

I heard her. I heard her little cry and it was like everything inside me fell apart and then fell back into place in a completely different way. I know it sounds silly, but it was like everything inside me had shifted to be stronger, more resilient, to be exactly what she needed, whatever that would be. she looked familiar but strange all at the same time and the urge to pull her close to me and feed her was so so strong.

The reason I wanted to tell you that is because I spent months hating her. I'm ashamed to say it but I hated this baby that had made me feel like I couldn't live a minute more. This baby that had changed my whole world and made it feel unsafe and scary and unbearable. But when I met her, it was all nonsense. It was all utter utter bollocks. She was mine, and she was perfect. And I don't think I will ever feel anything like that ever again because I had no fucking idea you could love like this.

How you feel now does not indicate how you will feel once baby is here. It doesn't have any effect on your baby, it doesn't damage them and it doesn't affect your ability to be a mum. It does not mean you will definitely get pnd and it doesn't mean you won't love your baby. I hated my baby while I was pregnant and I nearly had a termination, but my God am I glad I didn't. I love my baby girl with everything I have and did from the second I heard her.

I'm quite surprised to be contributing on this thread but here I am. Nothing too serious but I have been anxious this pregnancy and it is is mainly manifesting about work slighlty bizarrely. Ive had somecsick leave the last few weeks as I am not managing physically with migrane, high blood pressure and anemia, but now I am realising the the pervasive issue is that I am really stressing out about work. It is a fairly senior role but not one that has bothered me in the last7 years including my two previous pregnancies.

Hopefully I am going to finish work in the next week or so - a bit early. And I am hoping that ditching work doesn't mean I transfer these feelings to something else.
(I don't get much rest at home as the existing dc are 3 and 2.)
I'm 32 weeks now.

fluffy, I just wanted to let you know that week seven is notorious for dark feelings! Hang in there!

Sorry I'm not spamming your thread, it's just a subject that is really close to my heart.

When I heard her, I sobbed And sobbed and sobbed. It was like all the anxiety and fear from the pregnancy melted away as I sobbed and a calm feeling came over me. There is every chance that the same thing will happen to you. I was nearly hospitalised during my pregnancy, so if there was a happy outcome for me, there is no reason why there can't be for you. Hold on op, you can get through this.

Thank you so so much again for these. Kitty, have tried mindfulness and does work you're right although gives me sense that putting head in sand sometimes!!! Pidapie thank you so so much for sharing that and huge congratulations on your boy - you must be so so proud! Flanjabelle not spamming at all! So sorry you went though that and just pray we have the same ending!!! Hooty and poocatcher please please tell your midwives how you feel and don't stop until you get effective support - I had a well intentioned but utterly ineffective counsellor for weeks which wasted key time I think I really could have used far far more wisely than I did and might well have been much better off by now if I had.