To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Know many many people go through worse than me and this could be bloody self indulgent for which apologise but no amount cbt, distraction, sleep etc shifting deep primal fear that anxiety had throughout this pregnancy that have somehow how harmed the child, currently through the anxiety itself, and only thing found helpful on other threads been those kind enough to share stories of rubbish pregnancies with happy healthy endings. Were you stressed and anxious and tearful and or generally terrified and bonkers for nine months more than glowing? Did you come out the other side?! We're your babies affected or ok or even ok in the end?!

Am just still so frightened that these feelings I have harmed him or he is not well are significant, more than the average risk anyone faces that child may be born facing difficulties - could there be anything in this? Some sort of sixth sense? Doctors say risk same as for anyone so is this just what my anxiety is saying not a sixth sense?

Sleepless I am the same. I see signs everywhere that it won't end well the other day I was at my husband's friends house when the mentioned a lady in Turkey who lost her baby at 5 months pregnant then died herself from infection a short time later. All I could think was 'well I'm five months, why are they telling me this now? Is it a sign?' I went shopping and decided not to buy the baby clothes I picked up, that was a sign I knew something would go wrong. Then a woman predicted that I would have a girl next (she has form for getting it right) but I am having a boy, and to me I worry that that is a sign that I won't get to take this baby home. It is exhausting isn't it? The thing is, today we are pregnant. There is nothing we can do about tomorrow it is not in our control, so in someways it is pointless us stressing. Easier said than done. If you find the solution let me know!

I'm afraid i don't have the solution - really wish could help as you've been so kind to share this! Wherever and however I try I keep getting triggers - last night a programme on stress in pregnancy and now terrified again. Just so so so so scared so much of the time, wish could pull self together and sometimes feel like I can and then it all goes again :(

Hi Sleepless I have commented on some of your other threads but have NCd since then... First of all I want to say that you are doing brilliantly well, even though it might not feel like it and that I think of you often, as I am sure other posters on these threads do.

I had prenatal anxiety and depression with my LO. I was shocked to fall pregnant when I did even though the baby was wanted and planned and I was terrified about being a mother. Was convinced I had harmed him by drinking before I knew I was pregnant, thought he could feel that I had been scared when I found out I was pregnant and that it would be my fault if I MCd due to my awful thoughts. I have OCD so intrusive thoughts went completely off the scale!

I was scared he wouldn't love me, that I wouldn't love him and that I had made a terrible mistake to think I was just like other women and deserved to have a baby. In my darkest times early on, I thought it would have been merciful for him if I would have MCd as then he wouldn't be stuck with someone like me for a mother. I felt selfish for getting pregnant and sorry for my husband and baby for being stuck with me rather than a normal person who was the wife and mother they deserved.

I kept trying to access help through my hospital and GP and couldn't get anything. In the end I had some CBT/ET for the OCD which was really helpful, although the thoughts never go away and it is an uphill struggle to get into new habits and deal with them.

In the end, I am convinced that I got through it out of sheer bloodymindedness rather than anything else! Once I started to feel my baby move, the instinct really kicked in and I became ferociously protective of him.

More stress was still to come though - I developed PE and had an EMCS - the diagnosis and tests period was awful and it was kind of a relief when they did the EMCS.

That's the bad stuff out of the way. Now the good stuff.

I went a bit mental in hospital so don't worry if you don't feel great while you are in there, wait until you get home. In fact, give it about 2 weeks as the first two weeks are completely bewildering! Although I remember it as wonderful even through the CS related shuffling and sleep deprivation as I was with my baby and we had been through so much together and were now finally a proper little family.

The first sound my son made as he entered this world was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life and I will never forget it. Nor will I forget seeing his little face for the first time and kissing his cheek - so soft it felt like silk.

I'll never forget holding him for the first time and waiting for that first rush of love to wash over me before realising it wouldn't happen as it had been there all along. Realising that he has always been a part of me and that now even though he is born, I still feel like we are one person!

I'll never forget the first time he opened his eyes and I felt like I was looking into the eyes of someone I had always known. How when he sleeps on my tummy I stroke his back and remember when I used to stroke my bump. He is perfect and healthy and lovely and hitting all developmental milestones and is a little grinning ball of cheekiness and I would go through everything I went through a million, billion times over for him.

You are nearly there Sleepless... Everything will be fine - your baby is fine and healthy and there will be a time when you will look back on this and see what a strong mother you are. Keep well.

This is such such such a kind message - you are amazing! How did you manage work / life with all that anxiety? Keep having to run to toilets to go and cry and come out looking normal but don't think am fooling anyone! Go for days of being able to distract self into almost feeling fine but you're right, thoughts don't really go away and am sure have cried for at least an hour most days - did you worry this would impact him too? So SO SO pray I have an outcome as fantastic as yours! xxx

I was extremely anxious in early pregnancy. Convinced I would miscarry. Certain my worrying had harmed the baby. Which made me even more anxious and so the vicious cycle continued...

I mainly suffered in silence. When I alluded to what I was feeling people looked a bit blank.

Anyhow, straightforward labour, healthy baby, good weight. Now in Year 4.

Anxiety did step up after birth and I spent a lot of time in tears and generally not coping. I always feel upset when I think back to the 'intrusive thoughts' (I didn't know then they had a name) that I used to have in the early days.

I eventually spent some time talking to a MH nurse discussing the physical and mental symptoms I was experiencing. We also discussed coping strategies and CBT style techniques.

It was hugely helpful and even now I use those techniques if I'm feeling stressed/anxious.

Just remembered this. With DC2 I became utterly convinced that there was a problem as the pregnancy was so different.

Drs and midwives reassured me that every pregnancy and birth is different.

Birth and baby turned out normal.

I believe in trusting instincts and that they are often not a 'sixth sense' but clues that we haven't quite identified adding up to give us a 'sense' of something. So I do think its worth listening to these feelings. However, I was just not rational. These weren't a sixth sense/instinct - just fears.

What do you think yours are more likely to be, worst fears or intuition - honestly?

This is going to sound a bit mad but I almost made the anxiety / OCD / depression into am external 'thing' rather than a part of me (it isn't a part of me / you incidentally) and got mad at it! I decided that I was a strong woman and about to be someone's mother and I wasn't going to be pushed around by anyone or anything, least of all this, and that I had to defend and protect my son from it. I tried to think of myself as a lioness defending her cub... Sounds crazy I know!

When I got or get an intrusive thought, I just identify it quickly as OCD now and think to myself "I am not listening to you - you have no power over me" and then I find something else to do to take my mind off it. It sounds simple I know but it was really hard and took a bit of practice but it worked for me and I am pretty good at it now most of the time!

In terms of the crying, I just cried and was upfront about it - most people will take a hormonal crying pregnant woman at face value and just give you some tissue / cake / sympathy. Even if you didn't have the challenges you have at the moment, you would still cry at the drop of a hat - that's just pregnancy.

In the end, it doesn't matter what other people think - if you need to cry, cry. You, your DH and your son are the most important people and none of them are going to benefit from you bottling everything up and plodding along feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Have a good cry if you feel like it - it is not a sign of weakness - it's a sign of triumph - that you are battling through. You will probably feel loads better afterwards too for having a good cry, even if the relief is only temporary.

I also tried to think about lovely things to look forward to after the birth and the first couple of weeks of craziness. I think about Christmas day, with my son looking at the lights on the Christmas tree and the smell of the decorations and Christmas dinner cooking and me, DH and DS all snuggled up together warm on the sofa watching Christmas TV (The Wizard of Oz) and eating mince pies. If I have a down day or moment then I research things to buy like a stocking with his name on and a bauble for his first Christmas and think about him looking back on these things (he obviously won't remember the day!) when he is a man with a family of his own and feeling warm and happy about how much he was always loved.

I know at the moment the depression and anxiety feels all encompassing, like you are wading through treacle and never really seem to get anywhere but please believe me that it won't last forever - it's just a day. Just a moment in time. The anxiety isn't YOU, isn't a part of you and you won't have to deal with it forever. You are doing so well - keep fighting on like the warrior mama that you are!

I've followed your threads from the start, sleepless, and think about you a lot. I'm so glad you're nearing the end. For me, the moment of the birth was an utter relief, because it meant I wasn't pregnant anymore.

I had severe anxiety and depression literally from the moment I saw the result on the pregnancy test. This was a planned pregnancy, so it was a huge shock to feel like I had a switch flicked in my head, and I was no longer thinking or feeling the same way.

I remember sobbing on the floor every day. Feeling like I wanted to die. I was convinced I would be an awful, miserable mother. So this started...week 5, I think. Very very early. Half way through the pregnancy I started anti-depressants out of desperation, because I was suicidal. My daughter is 2 now and she is perfectly fine. The most sweet, loving, affectionate little girl. I adore her. She was not affected in any way by my horrific pregnancy.

You call a lot of the other posters amazing and strong. But I think you are amazing and strong. I know you probably don't feel like it right now. But you're still here, hanging on and posting, asking for help. You've come so so far.

Thank you thank you thank you - all this means so much. I feel so ungrateful to be honest because, in my crazy addled mind, I read your stories which are so brave and kind to share and just come up, not deliberately at all but somewhere from horrid recess of madness, with reasons my story somehow different so can't even take comfort from them. Eg - have belief any story about a girl different as read or heard somewhere boys less resilient in womb, or if someone stressed early on but got over it or took ADs when I decided not to or even just that somehow are luckier! I feel too tired and crazy to make honest judgement about whether it's instinct or irrational fears - all I know is keep trying to picture happy christmas but just so scared that's tempting fate somehow in case still crackers then and or he's been harmed or he doesn't seem to have been but I fear he has been still....not sure at what point might relax and think he's ok if ever! birth? 6 months? a year? 3 years? DH and parents being fantastic and given up feeling bad about pressure on them now and letting it all out which is sad as think they had sort of thought was on the mend as the CBT was working in terms of distracting myself at least and getting it all to the back of my head but need them more than have admitted and saying that now sort of helpful. They are CONVINCED all my fears are in my head, doctors have said no need to worry etc but I can't be sure whether that's them being nice to me or just being more easily convinced or just that I am so far gone down this road that we're all staring at the same sky and i think it's yellow and they can all see it's blue but I can't shake the belief it's yellow. Really am sounding mad now!

Seeing as you are feeling tired and a bit crazy I will make an honest judgement for you - it's irrational fears.

Luck and people being luckier and fate and tempting it were my two main things I needed to work on with my OCD...

I had to learn to believe that there is no such thing as luck or fate in this context - there is just stuff that happens. If something good or bad happens, it doesn't make me lucky or unlucky and there is nothing I can do to control these things anyway so worrying about them will only perpetuate me feeling crappy and takes up too much space in my brain making me hyper-vigilant as I am constantly conscious of my worries.

For me, the underpinning worry was my perceived lack of control of the situation and luck / fate and the tempting of just came out of that. Relinquishing control is really hard to do but will help you feel so much better. Terrifying initially, but helpful.

Have you tried some Exposure Therapy? Could you do it with your current therapist for support? I thought about it like I was double daring myself to do stuff that I found uncomfortable and scary. Start small with the things that cause you the least stress and anxiety and work up.

Not sure if this would help you but to start with, I wouldn't talk to anyone about the pregnancy, even when I was showing as I was worried that talking about it would tempt fate. The first thing I did was challenge myself (with support from DH and my therapist) to talk about it with at least 3 people over the next week. I did it and of course, nothing went wrong. Because nothing was going to go wrong and talking to someone, or not, was not going to change that.

The more I did things, the better I felt - it was almost like breaking a spell...

Well I had severe sickness with both of mine for the first 18 weeks or so . I was on cyclizine anti sickness meds and essentially lived off coke/fanta, boiled sweets and oatcakes. Couldnt have been further from a healthy diet ...

I wasn't that anxious but I was very depressed and down; I just wanted to hibernate and didn't want to do anything or see anyone. I couldn't have been further from "glowing"!

Once they were born it was fine, a kind of liberation. I LOVED the newborn phase (having felt so rubbish for most of the pregnancy!) whereas many people find that really hard.

They are 6 and 4 now. Both very tall, strapping, healthy and bright, and exceeding all expectations at school. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realise that they really are mine!

PS I don't think it is crazy to find pregnancy very scary. Its a miracle what the body does, and the baby is so precious. And you have NO control over it all which is scary in itself.

No wonder you feel anxious. I think most people get by through simply blocking out really thinking about it too deeply!

I'm deep in antenatal depression again, I have a 5 year old and a 13 month old and am currently 5 months pregnant. While pregnant with my 13 months old I went into deep depress at 8 mo this pregnant was section until I gave birth, as soon as I gave birth I forgot about every thing I had been through, I forgot about how I felt for the whole 9 months and accidentally here I am again, 5 mo this pregnant 2 kids to look after and 5 months pregnant, today I have achieved nothing and hi k you stupid cow what have you done, I swore I would never do this at let the kids I have suffer it all over again. Admittedly this antenatal depression is no where near as bad as I was last time, well I'm only half way through so I could get that bad again, I do have good days this time and feel fine, but today I feel sorry for the children I have and my husband through it again, he never says anything about that it bothers him but I k ow for him it must be hard to see me like this again, luckily he just gets on with it and he's self employed so can stay at home if needs be, which is what he's done today. I don't k ow if reading other people stories are a trigger or if it makes me feel better, I'm not sure but another day tomorrow lets see how we are x

Thank you both for being so kind. I think a large part of it is some odd thing about luck, felt so sure wouldn't get pregnant and then when did like didn't deserve it as drank as didn't know so no way would be lucky enough for it to all work out. Also just stupidly read so much and even on TV last night the programme was saying about how cortisol in pregnancy crosses the placenta and harms the developing baby. Doctors all said risk tiny or non existent but show also said v few studies so how can they know? Have felt pretty anxious most to all of the pregnancy and worse for couple of hrs most days - just feels like an ocean of cortisol will have engulfed him and harmed his brain irreversibly. I know the doctors have said have seen worse cases work out ok and need to focus on this but just think need to prepare for the worst on this one for some reason. Sorry to keep rambling, just feel safe letting it all out here xxxx

You feel that preparing for the worst means that if it happens it won't hurt as much, right? It's all about control - trying to control the outcome or your reaction to it.

Trying to control it is only making you hypervigilent which is then making you seek more reassurance which is then making you more hypervigilent... It's a really vicious circle and you need to break it... I am sure you know all of this already - it's one thing to hear it and quite something else to do it, I know.

Just keep going... You are nearly there. Try to avoid all medical /pregnancy related TV programmes, articles and doing any research for the rest of your pregnancy - I even stopped watching and reading the news as it just stressed me out.

I read mumsnet, Facebook and books about happy things, watched romcoms, box sets I already knew (happy ones) and comedy shows. Fill your brain with light things as far as you can... Just keep going. You can only have a few weeks left now? X

I think you're right, so right actually, feels like have thrown all
My cbt out the window and just using the sessions to cry on poor therapist as someone am
Allowed to get reassurance from, likewise this website etc. need to focus on distracting self, moving on, not trying to fight thoughts with thoughts or do my own exposure therapy, just makes it worse as the thing I fear most is something I can't even expose myself to, it's not that the child has a problem it's that I've caused it and already believe that to be the case so no exposure helps. I hate myself so so so much for all this, it's not just me who has been stupid and has to suffer now it's an unborn child and his family, I can't bear it

Your unborn child isn't suffering, he's tucked up nice and warm and concentrating in the important business of getting ready to be born.

This isn't your fault, it's an awful thing that has happened TO you - it's not caused by you and you are not too blame for it.

You are doing your best at the moment and that is more than good enough. Just keep going and soon you will be holding your baby.

Perfect words, fourfifthsof.

Sleepless, you will get through this.

I went through hell with ds 1 pregnancy. Dreadful anxiety and fear. He is a bright, boisterous, confident, sporty, popular, balanced 5 year old boy. Sorry for stealth boast. Be kind to yourself, these feelings will pass and soon you will be holding your baby xxx

OP, I didn't suffer anxiety to the extent of others who have posted on this thread (I never sought professional help for it, so may not be in the best position to advise) but I did find pregnancy to be an extremely anxious time.

In my case, it was due to a number of factors, including the pregnancy being unplanned (though very much wanted). I struggled with not feeling in control, both of my body and of how things would turn out. And I found new things to worry about each week - if it wasn't the alcohol and ibuprofen I'd had before I knew I was pregnant, it was the risk of Down Syndrome, then whether my nausea and diet were affecting the baby....and that's aside from the regular feelings of non-specific doom.

Things that helped me included: leaning on my partner, mum and selected friends who'd had babies; focusing on "today I'm pregnant and I'm going to try to enjoy it"; and preparing for the baby's arrival once I was in the later stages of pregnancy. I loved planning and shopping for baby things - the latter may not be for you, but for me it helped to focus on the fact that we would, all being well, be bringing a baby home.

You know what? He's here, just over four weeks old, and perfect . Despite nothing about his birth or first week going to plan, it's been amazing. He's actually a really chilled out baby! I won't lie, some days are easier than others, and newborns are a bit relentless - take all the support and help you can get. But when I held him for the first time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and I really hope it's the same for you. Hang in there!

I used to think about all the babies born all over the world, to women who are homeless, starving, in the midst of famine, fleeing war, beaten...

Not to mention the failed home abortions (think hot baths and gin).

Its a reminder of just how resilient your unborn baby is and how well adapted we are to having healthy babies even against the odds. Hang on to that thought if its any help x

That's actually a really good point laurey. This is how my doc addressed my concerns about my earring disorder reemerging while pregnant and the stress that goes with it.

He told me the same thing; there are women all over the world who do not have access to a a decent diet, who have the stress of war and natural disasters who go on to have perfectly healthy babies.

However, that may not help as the anxietyaffe ts your ability to apply things to yourself (it's ok for those other women but it won't be for me because xyz)

Hi sleepless iv told you previously on a former username but I was so anxious and depressed I went into a psych mother and baby unit. He's a healthy happy 3 year old now. Babies are incredibly resilient.

I think it's easy to get confused between risk of harm and definite harm. Anxiety can cause problems, but a lot of the time it doesn't.

One thing to remember is that it's not the psychological feeling of anxiety that causes problems but the physiological effect. Your baby doesn't know your thoughts, it can feel a fast heartbeat or perhaps less oxygen if your hyperventilating a lot. If you can't control the thoughts perhaps just focus as much as you can on controlling the physical symptoms of anxiety. Take some calming deep breaths if you think you're breathing too fast or try and unclench if your tense everywhere or whatever your physical symptoms are. And make sure to keep nourished with healthy food and drink and prenatals.

Some people do everything wrong and have healthy babies and some do everything right and don't but I would believe that your efforts and desires to keep your child healthy will be answered simply because that was my experience.

I found the war zone analogy helpful too

Also with the guilt as that was my big thing too, see if you can use yourself as a test subject for practising parenting. Parent yourself through this as if you're the child.

Your child has you for a mum. IF you have harmed them (you haven't im sure) but suppose you had, you must get past the guilt being the focus of your life to be a great parent and bring out the child's full potential in life. So start practising your parenting on yourself, not harsh Victorian parenting where you send yourself to the naughty step for life and can't enjoy any moment in life but gentle unconditional forgiving accepting parenting that will nourish you to be able to be the best mother and advocate your child could have IF the worst had happened x

AcatcalledFang - You've very eloquently described a lot of how I feel. I'm 7+4 and I struggle massively with control. I don't want my body to change and the fact I can't control it or my hormones (which I've never had before and I'm terrified) has sent me into a total tail spin.

Did you get over the 'feelings of doom' by planning stuff? The thought of going shopping for baby things or even telling anyone I'm pregnant makes me feel sick - I feel so bad for thinking 'If there's no heartbeat at my scan, the choice has been made for me', however when I imagine a termination, I don't know if I would want to go through with it, as millions of women have coped in pregnancy so I feel a total wimp for feeling so bad.

It's lovely to hear you're so much happier now you have your child. I'm desperately hoping I feel like that - However there's the 'other voice', that says 'Loads of women regret having children, you hate being pregnant so why would being a Mother be any different?'

Speaking to my counsellor yesterday, she said it sounded as if I hate the 'thing' that's invaded my body and it's true - it's causing me to feel sick, cry all the time, have incredible dark thoughts, I do resent it so, so much and reading all of the posts 'Smug things I thought before I was a Mother and now I know differently' just makes me so depressed as I feel that even if I wanted to parent in a certain way, my life will be changed for the negative forever and I will never be able to have a semblance of my own life E.e when Mothers say 'I remember saying I'd make the baby fit around me... Gosh, how naive was I?' ...

I LOVE planning things - I'm going to be moving in with my boyfriend in November and I'm already planning everything. I'll try the mantra you suggested 'Today I'm pregnant and going to enjoy it', as I'm so desperate to feel happier.

Do hormones really settle down after the first 12 weeks or do you think you felt really bad throughout?

Sleepless - I'm sorry I can't offer any support as I'm much earlier than you, however the fact you've got as far as you have suggests that you are incredibly strong as I don't even know if I'll be able to continue this pregnancy as I feel so down. I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and talk to people as much as possible.

Please don't hate yourself - Noone on this website does and I imagine your Baby will love you more than anything. I have such bad guilt over everything, however you can't help how you feel, you are not a robot, you're amazing