To ask for pregnancy anxiety / mental health survival stories?!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Know many many people go through worse than me and this could be bloody self indulgent for which apologise but no amount cbt, distraction, sleep etc shifting deep primal fear that anxiety had throughout this pregnancy that have somehow how harmed the child, currently through the anxiety itself, and only thing found helpful on other threads been those kind enough to share stories of rubbish pregnancies with happy healthy endings. Were you stressed and anxious and tearful and or generally terrified and bonkers for nine months more than glowing? Did you come out the other side?! We're your babies affected or ok or even ok in the end?!

I'm with you. My fears are always not quite irrational enough, there is some validity to them... But it then spins out of control where someone else might be passingly concerned it could happen, I will become obsessed and convinced it's definitely going to happen... It's exhausting x

How are you doing right now? Realise been pretty selfish here and had impression you'd come through the other side - what is it you're worried about? Are you ok? Xxxx

I am ok... But in contemplating TTC again my fears have begun to come up again. Mainly things about being able to protect an unborn baby

It's not selfish at all, it's actually really therapeutic to be able to offer support in a situation so familiar to me x

Sleepless, I tried without mess but it wasn't happening. Took sertraline from about 5 months with no ill effects. You have to weigh it up and see if it's worth the trade off, for me it was, no question.

Booyaka - thanks for sharing that, def taking as soon as born! Hairbrush - if I were you I'd get the right support lined up then go for it - you're clearly super caring and kind not mention intelligent and informed, I can tell you're a great mum and you've already done it once! Xxxx

That's part of it I think - needing to find the right support and getting that in place

Giving myself a while to get super fit and healthy so at least I can feel iv controlled the risks I can control

The lovely daily fail just printed an article about obesity in pregnancy and that set me off avoid that paper like the plague btw xxx

It's pure poison I agree!!!! It's so strange, hearing you someone I've never met say they are worried about impact of obesity makes me so sad as instinctively so confident impact tiny if existent as so many kids I teach have obese parents but super well and thriving but that's super hypocritical I know! You're right, the support is key. Is your gp kind? Good partner helpful but think sadly limit to what they can do and what we can expect - definitely taken its toll on my marriage - still here but he has definitely suffered.

I think my GP is baffled by me tbh as I wasn't with them when I was ill in pregnancy (we've moved) and iv only started opening up about things now I'm contemplating no2

They've said there's tons of support in pregnancy available but nobody's offering any until I do get pregnant on the nhs anyway whereas I want the safety of a care plan before even TTC

I rang my old CPN earlier and left a message and hoping she will be able to speak to my GP about referring me to get a care plan done even before I get pregnant when she eventually gets back to me

The awful thing about the illness I had in pregnancy is its left me trying to control EVERY possible potential risk in the hope I leave myself nothing to be guilty about. I often see large ladies, even smoking ladies, etc and o know they have healthy kids but I just can't transfer that confidence to myself

But I know there will still be anxiety and age and the unknown even after iv controlled everything possible... xxx

Going to talk through EVERY anxiety fear at cbt tmrw - normally just do techniques etc but will do and will post back here with all the reasons not to worry re anxiety. Age unmovable but lots of reassuring data on that as I am sure you know. Excellent idea contacting cpn...I understand the controlling thing - can you take any reassurance from the fact your son is thriving? X

I do take comfort from my son and I know from him that whatever happens it will never be as awful as my anxiety can have me convinced in reality. Looking forward to hearing your CBT techniques xxx

Right - update!!! Disclaimer here that find it easier to comfort than be comforted but do believe therapist on all this even if struggle to feel so most days! 1. Fears about impact of anxiety irrational as actually our own judgement of how stressed we are or feel only somewhat correlates with cortisol levels or blood pressure in tests - it's just like when you're sick and feel freezing but are running a temperature, the sensation is misleading and not to be feared. 2. Were there any truly significant link between stress and poor outcomes we would know as it's been intensively studied, medicine hugely prioritises fetal health (see all campaigns on alcohol etc) and companies would be lining up to make money from pushing anti depressants etc. 3. You can't prove a negative so we can't know 100% that there's no risk but we do know not on a scale worth worrying about. As for techniques, all stuff am sure you know but key is to acknowledge rather than engage with the fearful feelings, let them sit there and not fight and wait and trust they will pass. They are hurtful for you, not your child.

I so need to improve acknowleding my fears and not engaging with them

It's hard though isn't it? By the time the thoughts formed in my head I already feel bowled over by it. I'm not making much sense trying to verbalise what I mean - the idea being I think that a thought grows and if you except and acknowledge it without judging and analysing it or pondering on it then it can't take hold and overpower you

I find though I will be going about my day then zap in a heartbeat im overpowered and paralysed practically by a thought/fear

It is refreshing to remember though that thoughts are actually only hurtful to us, not the people we are worrying about

Exactly and that's the key. I try to think about it as music I allow myself to hear but try to avoid turning up.... What are your fears right now? X

I hope you don't mind me posting on here again - This week has been really bad and on Monday night I told my boyfriend I had to either terminate or kill myself as I just can't cope with the hormones and how I'm feeling at the moment. You wouldn't believe it as I'm usually this incredibly happy, 'vibrant' person who is always sociable, fun and the life and soul of the party and the last 6 weeks, I've been a crying mess, doubting my own mind and constantly worried / scared and anxious.

After speaking to him on Monday and my counsellor on Tuesday, I thought the best thing to do was to make an appointment with the Dr which I had this morning.

She was lovely and really did listen to me (between me sobbing my heart out) and suggested I consider taking anti depressants (Sertraline) I'm 9+6 at the moment so still have 'options', however in the rare moments I feel like me, I feel I really want to be a Mother and have this child, but 99% of the time, I feel utterly petrified, like I'm making the worst mistake of my life.

After the Drs appointment, I read up on Sertraline and the fact it can increase certain birth defects in the first trimester (although the risks are small to begin with) and feel so low - I couldn't live with myself if I somehow hurt 'it', yet at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can be strong (feeling OK at the moment) and not give in to those silly thoughts of ending things just to stop how I'm feeling at the moment. Booyaka - it's really good to hear you didn't have any ill effects, did you read up on things before you took them?

I'd literally give anything to feel happy, excited and 'normal' - My scan is next Friday, so I'm wondering if I can cope until then.... to see if everything is OK and then start taking them, so I'd be 10+6 and nearing the end of the first trimester.. In my head, 'every day I don't take tablets is one day closer to lessening the risk', however as the Dr pointed out, it's far better to take the tablets and feel less down, than go through with the thoughts in my head or terminate...

Out of all my friends and family, I don't know a single person in 'real life', who's got all these stupid / silly thoughts in their head - I never thought I'd feel like this and it's so overwhelming.

I hope everyone else on this thread is feeling OK and has a lovely weekend to look forward to

I feel your pain so so much and am so sorry you're going through this. The risk of the ads is so so tiny and the gp would not advise them were they not a good idea. It's great you've gone for help and great that you're talking to your boyfriend. I totally understand how isolated you feel, it's so lonely, but keep talking, you're doing so well xxxxx

Fluffy I posted earlier on this thread in support of Sleepless and I just had to respond to you too. You have pretty much exactly described how I felt when I was pregnant with DD. I was suicidal and considering termination too. I just wanted it all to end. I was put on Sertraline. I can't remember which week I started... not much further on than you, I think. It helped me to get through the pregnancy. I wasn't happy and excited like I wished I could be, but I wasn't suicidal either. It evened my mood out. And there have been absolutely no ill effects for DD either, she's now 2 1/2 and totally fine. Any tiny risks from the meds did not compare to the risk I posed to myself and to my child (either killing myself, or terminating). Please PM me if you need - I'm not in the U.K so often on at odd hours but will answer when I can.

Sleepless, thinking of you too, as always

Thank you sleepless / Owl, you are both lovely and it's really nice to read your replies.

I do feel like I've 'achieved' something if I get through each day at the moment and the isolation is hard, however knowing other people have felt very similar to me makes me feel less of a freak.

Owl - it's so nice to hear that your DD is totally fine (and I imagine you're a brilliant Mum) I think that's what I'd be looking for at the moment, I might not be the life and soul of the party, but the lows wouldn't be there.. and I wouldn't have all of those negative / dark thoughts. My boyfriend also read all the information on Sertraline and he also pointed out that actually, the risks are very small and it would be best to get through the next 7 months as opposed to terminating (which deep down, I don't want to do) or killing myself.

Thankyou very much for your kind offer of messaging you - I'm doing OK today as I managed to actually get a good nights sleep and when I did wake up to go to the toilet, I went straight back to sleep and didn't lie there for hours, thinking of things! However if I do feel down, I might take you up on it? .

At the moment, I'm still opting to wait until my scan next Friday and see if everything is OK - However the tablets are on my living room table and if I do start feeling low again, I will make sure I reach out to my boyfriend / friends / you lovely people and revise my choice to wait to take the tablets.

In my head, if everything is OK in the scan, then that's great - if it's not and I need to make a decision, I know 100% it's not because I started taking the tablets and for whatever reason, that seems to be an overriding priority at the moment.

Thank you again for your posts - Sleepless, I hope you're doing OK today and having a lovely weekend .

I'm so glad you're doing ok today Fluffy! I remember the sleepless nights filled with awful thoughts. I think your plan about the scan sounds really sensible. Do message me if you need

Not good today. Didn't sleep well Friday because (didn't realise this til morning!) dh had changed thermostat when drunk by mistake and house boiling, kept waking up but not fully enough to realise obviously boiling because heating on full blast all night. Yesterday just so so low, worse than for weeks, convinced had harmed him with all this. Reading other people with same fears find it so easy to reassure them based on what I've been told eg placenta filters cortisol etc but then for me, and know this is irrational, just assume will be awful one off case. Read beautiful story in the guardian yesterday about a mother of a son with ds and how proud she was of him which found so moving - truly inspirational, would love relationship with our ds like she had - and then of course thought but one cant "cause" ds with stress so there wouldn't be guilt affecting relationship etc, and the first comment then was from a clearly hugely struggling parent of a v unhappy autistic child who was violent etc and felt like a sign of what to prepare myself for as asd on my list of things one can "cause" with stress despite being told most recent and throughout meta study shows no link at all and suddenly waves of guilt. Also worried as dh seems certain madness will all will pass when give birth and get on drugs and so hope it will as much for him as me but really no idea at all if it will. Also feel like friends in rl not sure what to do anymore. What I want is for someone to just grab and shake me, cheerfully, and say four doctors have told you no need to worry so why on earth are you worried, anything that happens would have always happened, you're in the same boat as everyone else so relax, be happy and enjoy life, probably about eight times a day but maybe that would work. Everyone just seems so cautious and sympathetic rather than sort of aggressively reassuring if that makes sense which fuels irrational fear that there is something to all this. Please someone give me an online shake!!!!

Sleepless. Stop! Consider this a very very vigorous (yet cheerful) online shake!

These are the irrational thoughts talking. Four doctors have told you not to worry. I won't tell you to be happy, because I know how bloody hard that is! But just take some breaths. Acknowledge how you're feeling, and how it's the anxiety talking. It's not rational. It's not reality.

A word about the drugs - if you decide to go on them after giving birth, they will help. Truly. They can take a few weeks to have an effect, but once they do, you notice a real difference. You may not need them after the birth, but if you do - if it's still really bad - they're there, and they can help.

Now if you feel your thoughts start to argue against any of the things I've just said... to pick any holes in my words, or bring up any doubts... imagine a big red stop button is sitting on your brain, and press it really firmly! Because I'm definitely right about what I'm saying.

Sleepless - (on phone so forgive shortness of post but couldn't not reply)

You were so kind yesterday and really helped me, please let others do the same for you. Logically. ... statistically - Everything will be OK. Friends can sometimes struggle as they're your friends and don't want to say the wrong thing and upset you, but they're your friends for a reason and I imagine they care about you very much.

People are maybe taking their leads from you? If you're anxious, the last thing that anyone wants to do is forcefully say 'You're a muppet, stop being so silly' even if in your head, you know that what you're thinking isn't rational.

One Doctor might be wrong... even two - But four? Them some good odds :-)

Could you get some fresh air? Focus on something, anything (autumn leaves?) Just to calm down and realise that you're still here, you're still OK and you are still doing really well

Thank you thank you thank you :) one in particular, a perinatal psych at St Mary's we had to pay to see said profile meant was at no more risk than anyone else, no reason to say that if didn't think true is there? Doctors don't just offer patronising reassurance these days do they? Another said no link between stress and asd in most recent research and same thing right, no reason to lie? Again, no fears about having child with additional even v challenging needs as work with and love many is just what I may have caused, feel the guilt of someone who has smoked heroin or something throughout pregnancy. The other two were gps, seen two at our practice with wide experience of antenatal anxiety and depression and both say never seen negative outcomes. So please please tell me am being nuts and anything that happens always would have?! Thank you owl! Xxx

They have no reason to lie. If they truly thought there was a problem, they'd be scheduling appointments and scans and looking into it. That's their job. They're professionals and they're telling you the truth. And as Fluffy said, four doctors are good odds!

So:

• No more risk than anyone else
• No link between stress and asd in recent research
• No experience of negative outcomes in patients going through what you're going through

And I'll add to that:

• Numerous anecdotes on here from women who understand, who have been there, and who have come through it with no lasting ill effects to them or their babies.

All true. Believe them, believe us!

Thank you both, means so much - keeping self busy sorting out house and going out later - just cant stop feeling so anxious and teary - going to get house straight, get nap and get on with it, thank you all you lovely lovely women xxx

Hi all. This is going to sound nuts but got a call out the blue at work from director mental health services at hospital where saw the psychiatrist who suggested we Google risks of stress together personally apologising for the care i had received, saying that what had happened with the home visit team saying I was harming my baby with my mood was unacceptable as was offering cbt then admitting wasn't available too after the birth and that he was going to do full investigation. He was so kind but made me feel so much worse, partly because reminded me of how low I was over the summer and September and then partly because it confirmed that things could have been handled better and maybe I'd have been ok if it had been. In truth don't think that's necessarily the case but for a time my area's offer did make things worse and worried this patch when I was super low could have harmed him. Need to stick to reminding myself that since then seen two doctors who said no need to worry and overall doing much much better but suddenly got all these new intrusive thoughts. If there's anyone out there who can talk me down I'd love it so much as at work today and didn't sleep too well last night and can see meltdown round the corner. I've come up with some answers myself - do they sound ok? 1. If not harmed baby why so much out there about risks of stress in pregnancy? Answer: partly because could lead to risky behaviours which I haven't done and partly women who are even more stressed were in the studies I'd read according to a doctor so just not relevant. 2. What if doctors think less stressed than am? Answer - you've been honest about everything and they are trained to assess people. You have to trust this. 3. What if something does go wrong and suddenly everyone changes their mind like family and friends and thinks I am to blame and been irresponsible in carrying on with pregnancy when clearly not up to it? Answer - you can't control this and all the sane people now seem to think no evidence of harm. I don't know... There are others swimming around... Sorry to keep leaning on this as such a crutch, hugely appreciate any help out there x