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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
araiba · 18/09/2015 06:29

you should go and get a job tomorrow that pays you 5 times his salary and then have the same conversation about proportional housework

ValancyJane · 18/09/2015 06:39

YANBU - and well done for laughing in his face. My OH earns about 3x less than me, and we split things 50/50 (though he probably on balance does slightly more than me, he's lovely). You are so definitely no BU!!

ValancyJane · 18/09/2015 06:39

*not

hesterton · 18/09/2015 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

munchkinmaster · 18/09/2015 06:42

op, your life sounds crap.

Seize the nettle now and in a months time you could be away, living in a wee flat or house share. Coming home with energy to see friend or have fun. You could have a life outside cleaning up after this prick.

You've a job I assume you enjoy as you describe it as a vocation, an education, a chance to start again.

YouBastardSockBalls · 18/09/2015 06:46

He did know that I would probably not have high earning potential when he met me,

I suspect two things of this man.

1 - he would not have married a woman with higher earning potential than him, and

2 - if this were a forum of men telling him he was wrong, he would take more notice.

Those 2 facts tell you a lot about his character. He's a mysoginist.

I couldn't be married to a mysoginist. Can you?

Flowers
ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 18/09/2015 06:59

He shows you utter contempt. There is no love or respect in his actions. Do you want to live like this for the next 5, 10, 20 years?

You are exhausted and cowed, you don't know the financial details of your own marriage and are treated awfully. it will only get worse if you bring children into this situation.

Wishing you strength and courage to escape from this nasty man.

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 18/09/2015 07:04

Just came here to say LTB.

southernskies · 18/09/2015 07:16

It doesn't sound like you benefit in any way from his higher wage.

And he sounds like a nob. Run for the hills.

UngratefulMoo · 18/09/2015 07:19

It really annoys me when people don't seem to have paid any attention while saying their marriage vows. Presumably he promised to honour and respect you, and share everything with you? Wasn't he listening? I say this as someone who earns twice as much as DH and brought more 'assets' to the relationship. They are equally his now, anything else just wouldn't be a partnership, and would mean I wasn't keeping my word.

Phoenix0x0 · 18/09/2015 07:35

This man is not nice at all.

You travel an hour each way to work and he has a five/ten minute commute.

He earns five times your salary and expects that you pay half the bills.

Because he earns more and contributes more then you have to do all the cleaning.

Firstly stop cleaning. Wash only your own clothes and look at properties that are closer to where you work.

After you have found somewhere then leave.

parrot if you stay and have children you do know that he will only up the anti right?

Please read the relationship board, there are many threads about how women have to beg their DH/DP for money to buy basic essentials for themselves like sanitary products, whilst their DH/DP's earn a high salary, go out all the time etc. this is financial abuse and is about control

goblinhat · 18/09/2015 07:42

My ex husband was like this. Despite us both working full time I did all the housework ( was brought up by a surrendered wife - but that's another story)

His reason was exactly the same when I questioned it. He earned more so I had to do the housework to "make up my share"'

A year or two down the line I landed a really well paid job- earning much more than him. Again I asked why I was having to do all the housework and shouldn't we now swap roles.
His answer was that I should do the housework because I am a woman.

He also started to become physically abusive too at that point.

Happy to say he is history.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 18/09/2015 07:43

Op I hope you've not switched off from this, I imagine it can seem a bit overwhelming when everyone comes along and tells you to leave your relationship. You may think, well he's mean and selfish but he's got good points etc. Problem is the attitude he's shown will get worse if/when you are financially dependent on him.

A good friend married a man like this, she knew he was tight as he'd shown it in lots of little ways but she figured she could put up with that. I think there was a feeling of last chance saloon as regards getting married, starting a family. Before she got pregnant she could put up with it. They lived different lifestyles as he had more disposable income and his attitude was we contribute equal amounts but after that what's mine is mine, you manage on yours. He earned 50% more...

Then she had a baby and while on maternity leave he LOANED her money which she had to pay back over a period when she returned to work! She wasn't happy about that but again she put up with it although felt resentful.

Once working again her "share" of bills, childcare costs etc left her with a measly few quid a week to herself, he could still afford sky sports, movie channels, stag weekends, nice clothes etc. she and their child were dressed out of primark.

He didn't change over time, even when she was out of work with a serious illness he left her lying awake at night worrying that she would have to take her very young child out of crèche because she couldn't afford to pay for it (that bill was her responsibility). Yet being ill and requiring treatment she needed childcare. He had thousands in the bank.

They limped along for a while but the resentment and disappointment just keeps building in these situations. FYI they split and she was shocked a few months later when she realised that living apart from him meant she was a grand a month better off!

Please don't tie yourself to a man who doesn't respect you or care enough to want you to feel happy and secure. He will always come first, ahead of you and any children.

Shambambolista · 18/09/2015 07:45

This is EXACTLY what my then boyfriend said to me 7 years ago pre kids. Very similar set up re wages, flat location etc etc. I just didn't understand it and insisted on a cleaner. 7 years later, good job gone, no cleaner, 2 kids and a marriage I am absolutely desperate to get out. Tired, bullied, demeaned. Seriously op run for the hills while you still can. I wish I had.

Shambambolista · 18/09/2015 07:49

Google narcissistic emotional abuse .
Hope your OK op. Don't get in the mess I have, truly it's been hell. You have the warning signs , you have sound advice here. What do your family think xxx

cosytoaster · 18/09/2015 07:56

Leave OP - he won't change. Housework proportional to hours worked/spent commuting is understandable - but in relation to earnings it's not. Really do not understand this my money/your money thing - if you're married it should all be joint money.

Seriouslyffs · 18/09/2015 08:01

Time out of the house and housework should be proportional.
OP, you're unhappy about this (quite rightly) and don't want to have sex with him (quite rightly) and he walks about if the room when you try and discuss it all.
The marriage is unhealthy and more importantly dead. Walk away without a backwards glance.
Flowers

Mehitabel6 · 18/09/2015 08:14

I shouldn't have even discussed- just laughed and told him not to be so ridiculous!
However I don't think that you have a healthy relationship and need to consider your options.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 18/09/2015 08:29

You need to try to renegotiate the terms of this marriage because this is twisted.
There was a thread recently where the better paid DH sold the OPs car to raise the cash to buy himself a nicer a one. He also didn't share his money.
She tackled him head on and he changed his ways - maybe there is hope for you too. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2015 08:52

You've spotted all the red flags.
The scales are falling from your eyes.
Now take head and...
RUN FOR THE HILLS
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about all this.
They can help you to see this for what it is.

He WILL become more and more abusive towards you.
Please listen to all the women on here who have been right where you are and NOT left when they could.
Do NOT get trapped with this woman hating arsehole.
You KNOW you deserve so much better than this.

LieselVonTwat · 18/09/2015 08:56

I'd be interested to hear what he thinks the share of housework should be proportional to, if he doesn't mean earnings. Height? Number of GCSEs?

sleeponeday · 18/09/2015 09:03

If he thinks housework should be proportional, enthusiastically agree and say you think that's a fabulous idea. It can be proportionate to how much mess each creates, because split 50/50, the messy is being time and labour subsidised by the neater.

He'd better get the marigolds out, hadn't he?

Grumpyoldblonde · 18/09/2015 09:07

OP you are more fortunate that many women who post about relationship issues, your husband has clearly told you how he expects life with him to be both now and going forward, he has made it plain...what you choose to do with this is your own decision. I hope you make the right one.

IPokeBadgers · 18/09/2015 09:20

He also to,d me that he wouldn't give me access to a joint account if we had kids, and he thinks that is ok, that I would need to come to him and ask for money.

This is so far from ok it borders on the unbelieveable: you are not married to a man who has any interest in your well-being [physical/mental/emotional]

If he has said this, then you need to start planning your exit now. Be smart, don't let on until you are ready to go.

IPokeBadgers · 18/09/2015 09:21

Oops, bold fail!