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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
blibblobblub · 17/09/2015 20:37

Your husband's a dick. Hth.

Bumbledumb · 17/09/2015 20:37

YANBU

Just because someone is prepared to pay more for an hour of his time than yours does not mean he is a superior human being. He needs to put in as much effort into the household as you do, if not more seeing as he is home earlier than you.

TeaAndNoSympathy · 17/09/2015 20:37

No gamerchick that would be the response if the OP and her DH were having the normal arguments over who does what. In this situation the standard MN response would be LTB. OP: LTB

winchester1 · 17/09/2015 20:37

Are you married ?
This is a lucky early red flag to get the fuck away from.him if he says this now how will maternity leave work out bacuase you know waking 4 times a night a week after giving birth looking after a newborn and doing all the housework wont be enough she you earn nothing.

Sorry but better bow than in 10yrs Flowers

MrsRossPoldark · 17/09/2015 20:37

I usually find that the lower the rate of pay, the physically harder the job tends to be, so f that attitude!

Skiptonlass · 17/09/2015 20:37

And if that thought of leaving becomes actually leaving.... do tell him why you're going.

I know as a one off it could sound like a trivial throwaway remark, but frankly, his attitude is grim. Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

Hassled · 17/09/2015 20:39

I would be apoplectic with rage if my (far higher earner) DH said that to me. It is demeaning - no wonder you're upset.

Is this one-off twattishness or part of a general trend?

ProvisionallyAnxious · 17/09/2015 20:39

There's a phrase I learned on Mumsnet that comes to mind - he can fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more with that idea.

Not trivial at all, OP. My DH and I both work the same hours but he earns more - we are both scrupulous about ensuring the other doesn't do more housework than they should. You're a partnership - you support each other and ensure no one is taking on more than their fair share. That isn't about figures on a bloody spreadsheet!

formerbabe · 17/09/2015 20:39

Maybe the one who earns more should be the one to hire and pay for a cleaner?Wink

Yanbu!

rageagainsttheBIL · 17/09/2015 20:39

Do you work the same hours on paper or in reality eg does he do a lot of overtime or something?

It sounds like you're actually at home less than he is...

The only other thing I could think of is if you have a really cushy job doing virtually nothing while he's doing something insanely strenuous and is therefore exhausted - but I'm guessing not?

He sounds awful, sorry.

gamerchick · 17/09/2015 20:39

That's the one tea

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 20:40

He sounds incredibly controlling. Not just the housework issue but also the decision about where to live, which should be a compromise surely. Sounds like he has some weird sense of importance and entitlement because he makes so much money. Well fuck him.

JeffreysMummyIsCross · 17/09/2015 20:41

Your husband is either very dim or an arsehole. Or possibly both.

TendonQueen · 17/09/2015 20:42

YANBU, and also, you said 'if we moved to a cheaper area I could pay half the bills' - is he asking you to do that, when he earns five times as much? That's not fair either. We have always contributed to bills in proportion to earnings, so when DH earned three times what I did, he paid three times as much towards household expenses.

Do you have kids with him?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/09/2015 20:42

He's a dick.

Show him this thread.

No one would put up with him. You're a saint, OP.

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 20:42

What a terrible attitude, SepticSengaHmm

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 20:42

Why are so many of these partners so dislikeable? There is literally nothing to like in a man who's so selfish.

Canyouforgiveher · 17/09/2015 20:43

but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

So would I. Also I think he knew full well that what he was saying to you was demeaning. People generally tell you exactly what they think of you if you listen carefully.

Limer · 17/09/2015 20:44

He's wrong and you're right - the division of housework should be based on hours worked (hours out of the house in fact, so including commute time).

Scremersford · 17/09/2015 20:45

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day.

Sorry, but why did you marry this man in the first place, and why did you go along with this?

It sounds like you would be better off without him, both financially and mentally. So solve your problem - leave. His behaviour is completely intolerable.

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 20:46

senga we have moved on from the 1950s
Sigh..

BoboChic · 17/09/2015 20:47

Of course it is way too simplistic to say that the lower earner should do a greater share of household chores. People are lower earners for all sorts of reasons.

urbinosparrot · 17/09/2015 20:47

Is he serious? If so, he sounds very unpleasant.

Your relationship seems very unequal anyway, as he apparently gets his way on living close to his work, in the area he wants, which causes you a long commute and extra expense, and then he treats you like a second-class citizen because he pays more of the bills than you doShock

I'd think very hard about staying with someone like that. What if you ever become unable to work for some reason? How would he treat you then?

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 17/09/2015 20:47

Kick him hard when he's asleep!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 17/09/2015 20:49

Good god! Housework & childcare should absolutely be divided depending on who has the most time available to do them. By available time, I mean time between arriving home from work & having to go to work again. Having a two hour gym session & then meeting a friend for drinks may take you out of the house but shouldn't excuse you from your fair share of chores Grin.

What he is basically saying is he is above you because he earns more. He is the master & you are the slave.

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