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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
TPel · 17/09/2015 22:00

I can't see a happy future for you in this relationship. If he doesn't respect you now, he sure as hell won't moving forward.

Kampeki · 17/09/2015 22:00

OP, you are not inferior. You do not deserve this. You do not have to put up with this.

His attitude is not normal, even in relationships where their is a significant discrepancy in earning power. A partnership is built on mutual respect.

antimatter · 17/09/2015 22:00

This is so wrong I don't know where to start.

Please consider separating yourself from him. What is it to love about person who behaves like he does?

Why are you with him?

Kampeki · 17/09/2015 22:01

There not their. Hmm

ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 22:01

It's not trivial.

And no wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

Sounds like a miserable way to live and he has no intention of changing. But you can ditch him.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/09/2015 22:01

Oh God this gets worse and worse. OP, you may not know why he married you but I do. He married you because he felt he could control you using finances and make you his slave, and become financially dependent and eventually fully dependent, and then he could treat you like shit until the end of your days. The only mercy is that he hasn't used you as a baby incubator yet.

For the love of God get out. Get out while you still have your own job and own mind and have some idea of who and what this shitbag is. There is a reason he is keeping the finances from you, preventing you living somewhere where you could live independently and trying to brainwash you into thinking you owe him domestic slavery because of the ££££ you get no say in.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. You will not hurt his feelings because he has none to hurt. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

And shit behind the TV before you do. See if he pays a cleaner.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 17/09/2015 22:01

Why does he think this is fair?

You say he's educated but it's not the reasoning of an educated man. It's the reasoning of a Neanderthal.

He needs to think again. And go and speak to his friends, who will presumably laugh in his face.

suzannecaravan · 17/09/2015 22:01

Perhaps the one who generates the most housework should do more of it?

or you could sit down together and list all the things that each of you brings to the table, score them all and work out who benefits most from the arrangement.
There are tangible things like money, but what about the intangibles, affection, nurturing, being good company, being supportive, being kind etc.
Marriage isnt just a financial partnership, you are 'life partners'

RandomSocks · 17/09/2015 22:02

This isn't trivial, OP. He is revealing something fundamental about how he sees the division of labour within the home and access to money. Get out whilst you earn enough to support yourself and you don't have children.

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 22:02

OP please ignore AnyFucker.
You know what, I don't think it would be trivial at all to end the marriage over this. Often it's a small thing that's the final straw after years of abuse. And as a PP said, this isn't about housework, it's about respect. He doesn't respect you. By the sounds of it, he is emotionally and financially abusive. And no matter how intelligent or educated you are, men like that can and do destroy you.

suzannecaravan · 17/09/2015 22:04

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out

I have to agree with this

RandomSocks · 17/09/2015 22:04

He also told me that he wouldn't give me access to a joint account if we had kids....I would need to come to him and ask for money

He has informed you that he will be financially abusive if you have kids with him. Use that information that he has provided to inform your next decision.

WhoTheFIsJeff · 17/09/2015 22:05

Do not have children with this man.

goblinhat · 17/09/2015 22:08

Run as fast as you can.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2015 22:09

OP are you 100% certain that you will not be going on to have children with this man?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 17/09/2015 22:11

As you have said, he knew that you would be a lower earner than him when he married you, and I'm afraid that might have been the attraction. He wanted someone that he could feel superior to (by his own measure, not by standards that reasonable people have). He wanted a means by which to bully and control you, which is why you have had withholding of money and information from the very beginning of your relationship.

I bet housework is not the only thing his thinks he has the final say over because of the income disparity. Has he insisted on the final say over other things where you have had a different choice from him? For instance which holiday destination, which car to buy or even which restaurant for a meal? He has already insisted on his choice of home over your preference, clearly.

mmmuffins · 17/09/2015 22:14

He also to,d me that he wouldn't give me access to a joint account if we had kids, and he thinks that is ok, that I would need to come to him and ask for money.

This is awful. Relationship ending stuff, really.

BuggersMuddle · 17/09/2015 22:14

If my partner wouldn't let me see a bank statement or give me access to a joint account because they didn't want to be 'policed', I would wonder just exactly what they didn't want me to see tbf.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/09/2015 22:15

He has no respect for you. He is misogynist. He expects you to be subservient. He bullies you.

Now you know that you'll see it all the time. Make a list. Then it won't seem trivial to leave.

He is sulking and giving you the silent treatment now. Is that his usual punishment of you? Do you normally beg him to stop sulking? Are you exceptionally grateful when he finally chooses to speak to you? If so, stop that shit! Ignore, then give him an earful for being so obnoxious when he finally chooses to be nice again.

InimitableJeeves · 17/09/2015 22:16

So if he says that the sentence "income and housework should be PROPORTIONAL" is different from your original understanding, how does he say it is different? It seems to me that you simply cannot understand this as saying anything other than that the amount of housework expected of each of you should be proportional to your income, and that can only mean either that the person with the lower income does more housework, or that low income= low housework. Since he doesn't seem to be volunteering to do more housework because he has the greater income, that leaves only your interpretation.

What would really put me off is his suggestion that if you had children and had to stop work you would have to keep going to him to ask for money. What sort of arsehole expects that? You should either have a joint account or he should put money into your account to cover all the expenses you have to pay out plus extra money for yourself.

m0therofdragons · 17/09/2015 22:16

Wow. Okay, this is how things work in our house - dh and I believe we have equal value although our pay through work is not equal. All the money is family money and we have equal access. If I wanted to buy something non essential that's more than £50 then we'd almost certainly have a conversation about it but that would go like this. .. me: "dh I've seen these amazing shoes but they're £100. I really love them - you okay if I buy them?" Dh: "oh they look nice, of course my sweet. " now I should explain that this is a bit of a game. Yes I look like I'm asking but really we both know I'm going to get the shoes so it's more polite telling.
Another conversation we've had - me: "I hate housework" dh: "Hmmmm me too. why don't we get a cleaner? " problem solved!
Relationships are about enjoying life together. People say relationships are hard work. No it's about equal worth and having fun together through life.

Keeptrudging · 17/09/2015 22:17

Horrible. It shows a deep sense of superiority on his part which I would find very hard to get past. I usually work full-time, for a fraction of what my DH earns. Am having a break just now though. DH still does stuff round the house no matter what (although I'm doing most just now). Earnings have never mattered. Whoever gets in first/has the most energy cooks. Ni expectations of maid service, and I'm earning nothing just now. I'd be worried by this, especially if you had kids.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/09/2015 22:18

He has told you that if you have children with him he will withhold money from you. Holy God. That is his stated in the open plan. I dread to think what the reality would be like if that's what he thinks is reasonable to plan ahead to do to you. How do you sleep at night lying next to him knowing he is planning to do this to you when you are vulnerable?

squishee · 17/09/2015 22:21

Please, ditch him. You have been given some very good advice here.

StillRaving · 17/09/2015 22:23

Run

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