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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
seventhgonickname · 17/09/2015 23:13

Walk away.Sounds easy doesnt it but when your self esteem has been ground down in all areas then leaving seems overwhelming.Op,you know all this isn't trivial and I hope you can find the strength to get out.If he has let you keep up with friends/family then confide in them how unhappy you are.I wish you all the best and a happier future.

Lweji · 17/09/2015 23:16

As a summary, LTB and find someone you respects you and treats you as an equal person.

And whatever you do, never lose your independence and earning power.

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2015 23:20

OP it will never be easier to leave than it is today. Not that it's easy now but it will just get harder and harder as you get ground down.

Would it be possible for you to give yourself a 'thinking' break? Go to parents/friends/a hotel for a week or two, take a rest and think about what you want.

Jux · 17/09/2015 23:23

OP, I am really really sorry, but he is not a nice man. He is utterly disdainful of you and your well-being. He has made you move somewhere ridiculously expensive, which gives you a far longer commute, and puts you into a position where independence is almost impossible. To further squash down your subservient position he has decreed that the person who earns the most gets to call the shots. He has already decided that he will keep you cow-towing to him when he has trapped you after you have children (he will arrange things such that it will be really hard for you to return to work even if you wanted to) by forcing you to ask for money. IME, men who want that will also give you the bare minimum when you do ask; I know one who will peel a fiver off a thick wad of 20s, just to ensure his wife can see he could give her more but chooses not to.

Do not have children with this man.
Move out as soon as you can.
Get a nice flat near your work.
Divorce.
Lead a happy life.

fakenamefornow · 17/09/2015 23:26

Flowers ltb. I'm guessing you will then move to your work in cheaper (worse) accommodation and actually have less money (and do more housework) but God it will be worth it. Do you have a good circle of friends around you op?

TheBobbinIsWound · 17/09/2015 23:27

Holy fuck.

I earned more than DH until last year when i started my own business. Now DH earns more than I do. DH does more housework than me now because he has more time. We've never even had a conversation about it. It just happens. We respect each other and care for each other's physical and mental wellbeing.

We have separate accounts and joint accounts. We discuss purchases. Bills are from one of the joints and when I'm struggling he's there before I ask.

We live equidistant between our places of work. We bought our home conscious of commutes as well as catchment areas and desirability.

Ffs LTB

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/09/2015 23:28

I hope you told the cheeky fucker . Where to go. I think he has mistaken you for his servant rather than his wife.
So because your boss pays you less than his boss pays you. He thinks he's your superior.

RockinHippy · 17/09/2015 23:28

DI'd you ram a broom up his backside & tell him he could sweep the floor whilst he washed the pots!!

I would have - cheeky b**tard Angry for you

ouryve · 17/09/2015 23:30

Your post just before 10pm says it all. You need to kick the nasty, controlling tightwad bastard to the kerb so hard that he'll never be able to have kids, because it sounds like he never wants them getting at his money and cramping his style, either. And he'd probably complain about them making the place look untidy.

BeautifulBatman · 17/09/2015 23:35

I earn nothing, i don't work and dh pays for our cleaner. Your dh sounds like a bit of a git.

Lynnm63 · 17/09/2015 23:45

I have never, ever posted anything like this before.
GET OUT NOW. This man is a prize arse. The only thing I will say in his defence is he's honest about what your life is going to be like.
Do not have kids with him. In fact stop reading this and pack now.
Im going to give my DH the biggest hug ever. Reading about yours mademe realise just how bloody lucky I am.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/09/2015 23:45

move to a cheaper area. leave the bastard to do his own housework.

ellenanora5 · 17/09/2015 23:45

From one who has been there to one who is there, run for the fucking hills, find high ground and start again, it will never change, never, believe me.

Don't be afraid of starting over, don't be afraid of being alone, you could well feel an enormous sense of relief, I certainly did, I had two children, it was hard but was well worth it.

You deserve better than what you are getting parrotsaremeh, take a chance and believe in yourself, you sound so unhappy, don't put yourself through this anymore.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/09/2015 23:46

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

lorelei9 · 17/09/2015 23:52

excellent point made by a PP re "no easier time to leave than now".

Also, with the joint account being refused, I think it's part of a protection strategy - if you get divorced, he doesn't want you to know what he is worth.

now, I've not been married because I like separate finances but you are married, he's saying he wants to treat you like a maid and he's also saying that if you have children together you will have to ask permission for cash? No. That's not acceptable - and that comes from me, a person who doesn't have an issue with people protecting their cash IYSWIM.

he is not suggesting you make a team. He is suggesting that you do all the housework because he earns more than you and then go begging for scraps if you have children. It's so wrong, it reeks of it.

ijustwannadance · 17/09/2015 23:55

This man has zero respect for you.

I would also be massively suspicious of why he is so desperate to keep every aspect of his finances so secret. You're his wife ffs not the taxman.

He will keep you under foot and controlled, wear you down, then after having kids and when you are thoroughly broken mentally and physically, he will fuck of with all the money he has saved and spend it all on a new younger woman who hasn't had to suffer the years of blatant disrespect and slavery.

If he earns so much why are you renting? Surely he can afford a mortgage or does he just not want you to end up with the house. No asset to split. And you have no clue of his true financial state.

Unreasonablebetty · 18/09/2015 00:02

I earn about five times less than my husband, and yes I do more housework and I also do all of the cooking. This is only because I have a bit more knowledge about cleaning and I can cook lots more than he can.
That being said, if I go to work for the day and were swamped, we both muck in...Tho generally I get it sorted cos I work a lot less than him... Hope he changes his mind soon!

esmeralda1234 · 18/09/2015 00:02

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.Flowers

But don't ever let anyone tell you your worth. You deserve a partner in every sense of the word - a partner in life, and in love. One day he will be able to see just how cruel his behaviour is.

I hope you find the strength to make a change for the better and find happiness with someone who deserves you!!

HeteronormativeHaybales · 18/09/2015 00:15

Good God.

Run for the bloody hills.

Better alone than badly accompanied, especially so badly.

Want2bSupermum · 18/09/2015 00:20

Do you want to try and make things work with this man? If so I hate to tell you he isn't going to change. Start planning out your escape now.

Research what things are going to cost in the cheaper location closer to where you work. Check if your employer has a legal plan at work that covers divorce fees. I am in the US and my employer has such a plan. I would be signing up to it in a heartbeat if I wanted to divorce my DH. Basically your legal fees are covered up to a high amount. The insurance then sue him for repayment if they think he can pay them. Majorly worse headache for him.

As to a joint account. I would be coy and tell him you want a child but you are not willing to consider it until you are on the joint account and included on the credit cards.

While you are still married start investigating what assets he has (speak to a lawyer about how to do this). You will probably find he has much more than you think and if you start doing this after you divorce he will have hidden them and it will be much more expensive to do the forensic work. Look for any assets he has bought for his parents and any siblings. Was this done to work down his asset base to protect himself?

sleeponeday · 18/09/2015 00:33

Someone on MN recently commented that if a man has the least tiny inclination towards misogyny, having kids with him is unwise and becoming a SAHM is craziness.

It seems fairly clear you would be expected to do all the housework, childcare, and work fulltime, which in some ways is worse.

Your instinct to leave is wise. There is a lot of research to the effect that when kids arrive, couples default to the cultural norm of women doing almost all the housework, even if they were egalitarian before. If this is his attitude now... please get out. It is not normal at all. It will not get anything but worse. And is it the ethos you want your kids to learn from their parents? Or the value they learn to place on you both respectively?

When someone tells you who they are, believe them, as Alice Walker said. Don't try to reframe and reinterpret. He's saying your value in the relationship and power within it is proportional to how much money you make.

suzannecaravan · 18/09/2015 00:34

I wonder if the man in question is reading the thread?
I seem to remember that the OP showed it to him

WhoTheFIsJeff · 18/09/2015 03:07

Never has aibu been so unanimous.

OP, look up financial abuse.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/09/2015 05:03

You're supposed to be friends with the person you marry.

You're supposed to like each other.

This is the rest of your life.

Spartans · 18/09/2015 06:16

Yanbu he is being a twat.

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