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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 22:24

I can't say you've dodged this bullet as it's certainly grazed you, but if you get out now there won't be any long-lasting effects Grin

What a golden opportunity, to see your husband for what he is before you have children. Try to have a positive look at this and count yourself really, really lucky that you can escape now.

UterusUterusGhali · 17/09/2015 22:25

Op this is not normal. At all.

totalrecall1 · 17/09/2015 22:26

Total twat. If he earns that much he can pay for a cleaner.

JeffreysMummyIsCross · 17/09/2015 22:29

Nothing new to add, just another one warning you not to bring children into this dysfunctional relationship. Get out and find someone who wants a partner rather than wanting to behave like he's lord of the fucking manor.

BeaufortBelle · 17/09/2015 22:30

Pack. Now.

I earn a fraction of my DH. When we met I earned more. 25 years ago he said he'd pay the cleaner because he wasn't going to do his fair share. He continued paying the cleaner when I gave up work because he accepted cleaning was difficult around small children -and it wasn't my forte-

Not quite sure what he earns, never had a joint account, I have given in over big stuff, as has he. He has bought two houses without consultation but not deal breakers. I get to do pretty much what I want and if I'd disagreed over those offers he'd have withdrawn them.

We have a very traditional relationship. I am independent within it and earn a professional wage. No way am I expected to pay half of anything or to account for what I spend.

It's the expectation that you will pay half when he earns five times more that gets me. Your outgoings need to be pooled and he needs to pay four fifths more than you.

I have done gazillions more in the home and with dc than him because he works 60 plus hours pw and I work 35 to 40. We put in equal toil in different ways. He pays all household bills and gives me housekeeping.

That's an acceptable reality to me; it wouldn't be to many women. You would be better off with someone on one gift of your dh's earnings who is more generous of spirit.

Good luck. Just go you are worth so much more niceness x

lorelei9 · 17/09/2015 22:31

OP, I hope you managed a wry smile at the post by "Twowrongsdontmakearight" which was "Kick him hard when he's asleep!"

(I read that before your updates so I did enjoy the irony).

jokes aside, yes, sorry, he's one to dump asap. Total arse. I don't see what the misunderstanding can be re "proportional". Bottom line, if he's not prepared to pull his weight, leaving him would be an entirely wise and proportional response frankly.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 17/09/2015 22:33

There's no point in dismissing AnyFucker. She's completely right. There's a bloody good chance OP will foolishly believe that this man will change. That her life with him will turn out just fine. So many women are that deluded. Look on the relationship board. This story is not new. It is sadly oft repeated, in spite of many, many posters telling the OP to leave.

Ohfourfoxache · 17/09/2015 22:34

This is wrong on so many levels.

Run fast and far - you married an arsehole.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 17/09/2015 22:36

Iv never ever said this on here,but you truly need to leave op, get out, seriously!

If you have kids you will be left to struggle financially and having to ask him to have some money or he will give you a pitiful 'allowance' you will become one of those women who needs a new pair of shoes and jacket at winter but feels guilty to ask for money for one whilst he sits with thousands in the bank.

He told you you should do more housework cause uou earn less. So he basically means you contribute less financially so should contribute more by doing more housework than him. Hes told you he won't let you see his bank or get a joint one, he won't even when you are pregnant or have kids. He decided where you lived, this isn't a relationship it's a dictatorship and he's trying to control you!

NewLife4Me · 17/09/2015 22:37

Bloody hell, I earn nothing and dh did more housework than me until recently.
Your relationship sounds like one long battle, how do you live with it?
He won't change I'm afraid because an attitude like his is ingrained.
Suggest you pool all money like a partnership whatever is there is half each and then you can both do half the work and pay half the bills, if he refuses tell him to sling his hook.

alleypalley · 17/09/2015 22:37

YANBU, he's a dick. I'm the higher wage earner in our household but we do our equal share of household chores. On the occasions that I need to do more hours at work and my dh has to pick up the slack at home, I don't assume he will, even though he has done every single time, and I always thank him for doing so.

Twunk · 17/09/2015 22:37

I'm a SAHM though I do earn some money it's not much. Our children go to school and I still don't do all the housework! (I do most of it obviously). We have a joint account and we make all financial decisions jointly. We discuss major but not minor purchases. We are a team.

You're not in a team, in fact your DH seems against you. I'm sure it seems "logical" to him - but then he's getting such a good deal from this marriage he probably can't see why he shouldn't push it further. Please get out whilst you can, you deserve so much more.

YolandiFuckinVisser · 17/09/2015 22:42

This reminds me of my xh, who believed he should never have to do the early mornings with ds at the weekends on the basis that he earned more than me.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 22:42

There is a massively larger chance that op will swallow her misgivings and have dc with the man she married than leave him on the say so of a few Internet sprites

Like fox said, just have a read of the relationship board

Otherwise bright and educated women fall for this crap every day of the week

This op is already little more than a domestic appliance to her husband and conditioning to the lifestyle they have runs very deep

It takes guts to cut loose when you get a light bulb moment like this. I hope op realises this situation is as clichéd as they come and getting defensive because someone can see her future mapped out won't help one bit

Engage that brain of yours op. This will go only one way unless you make the change. Are you ready for it yet ?

NewLife4Me · 17/09/2015 22:42

Twunk

Spot on, it's being in a team or equal partners in everything including finances.
I know exactly how much is in every account we have, dh hasn't got a clue.
There is no way I'd go for anything less.
He earns the money and I saved us money on a cleaner and childcare and various other things we'd have bought if I worked.

CheddarGorgeous · 17/09/2015 22:47

He's an arrogant prick. You sound lovely. Seriously, leave him.

Twunk · 17/09/2015 22:48

Thanks newlife

I always thought what we have was just what people did. Ok not necessarily joint abounds or one parent staying at home - but working towards shared goals and dreams, as well as sharing the crap and the hard times. I was ridiculously naive - Mumsnet has been a real eye-opener to the multiple way people (usually women) are abused in marriages.

Twunk · 17/09/2015 22:49

accounts Hmm

Rainuntilseptember15 · 17/09/2015 22:49

Many, many people do not reveal how much disdain they hold their partner in, it is discovered as time goes by by their partner. The OP's husband has been very helpful by revealing his true colours at this stage.

rainpouringrainbows · 17/09/2015 22:59

I take marriage seriously, but would be really really worried about bringing kids in an unhappy relationship.

OP, you feel overwhelmed, tired and bullied? It's not right, life is too short, and you are worth better than that. (Having kids can bring a huge strain on the happiest relationship btw, it's hard work)

I don't agree with your husband at all (equal working hours should mean equal housework, more if you have a shorter commute), but that's not even the point. If you are unhappy, the whole set up is wrong.

Have you consider taking a week holiday somewhere, alone or with friend or family, but without him, to think?

lorelei9 · 17/09/2015 23:03

actually OP it might be an idea to have a look at the Relationships board if you haven't seen it already

it is shocking what people will put up with. You only get one life. I'm making an assumption that you want to be happy, but if I'm right then you leave. This is far too fundamental to be staying.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/09/2015 23:04

He also told me that he wouldn't give me access to a joint account if we had kids, and he thinks that is ok, that I would need to come to him and ask for money.

Jesus wept, what an ARSEHOLE.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/09/2015 23:07

The fact he is so open about his plans shows he thinks he is right. In his world view you are not his equal, he sees you as inferior. He is a selfish bully and he will get worse if you have DC and are dependent on him.

Google gas lighting - him telling you'd misunderstood is a classic example.

I earn many multiples of DH's income and so my income covers the vast majority of the bills. The only factor that governs the share of housework is the amount of free time we have. So if one of us has a busy patch and is working stupid hours the other one picks up more of the burden.
You deserve better than this.

BigChocFrenzy · 17/09/2015 23:07

He is financially abusive and expects you to work yourself to exhaustion doing housework.

This will only get worse, as your income differential increases

If you have DC with him, you will have to ask him for every penny:
Have to justify why groceries cost that much,
why you need that amount of sanpro,
how many nappies the DC needs
why do want to buy a coffee outside ....

He sees himself as lord of the manor, you as the maid, soon to be the baby-incubator.

LTB, save yourself from a lifetime of misery with this bastard

AskBasil · 17/09/2015 23:12

OP, this man has told you what he is.

He's also told you what he's got planned for you.

Listen to him.

He's going to keep you poor and servicing him, while he's rich and lives off your free labour. Once you have kids with him, you're in his power.

Don't do it.