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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 18/09/2015 09:22

You are not being trivial. This is not just about the housework, or about your husband's wording, proportionate or not!

This is about his seeming utter lack of respect for you, and the inequality in your partnership. The housework issue is a bit of a red herring. How can anyone be comfortable with watching their loved one run themselves into the ground, while they sit back and relax?

My DH was a tiny bit like this quite early on in our relationship, but for me it's a dealbreaker. Thankfully my DH isn't an abusive arse, so he (mostly Hmm ) pulls his weight now.

worldgonecrazy · 18/09/2015 09:24

Cut your losses and run. Do a cheapie divorce. You may be entitled to half his assets but seriously, I think the fight would not be worth it. You can get divorced very cheaply if you do it yourself, just cite unreasonable behaviour and do it within 6 months of stepping out of the door.

Then get on with your life, thank the Gods (or Mumsnet) that you've dodged a bullet, and rebuild your life and your self-esteem.

The man has told you who and what he is. Listen to him. Please don't be one of those women that turns up back on Mumsnet after a couple of years.

Good luck - breaking free from abuse is never easy, and I think often women blame ourselves, firstly thinking the man's behaviour is our fault, and then blaming ourselves for getting into the situation.

Try and get some good support around you - friends, family, your work colleagues.

JuneIsBustingOutAllOver · 18/09/2015 09:28

OP please please please don't have children with this man. I was the child in the same family dynamic and its affected my whole life. Imagine your children being laughed at and bullied because their mother had no money to buy decent clothe even though their dad had loads of money but wouldn't share it. Or how about never going on school trips and being pitied by other kids. Or having to practically beg your dad to pay for spectacles when you needed them.

Do you want your children to grow up feeling worthless and end up suffering from depression? I'm sorry if I sound hard but he won't change when you have children and the best thing you can do for your future children is to do your best to ensure they have a loving, decent, caring father, not someone who has so liitle respect for their mother.

Dollius01 · 18/09/2015 09:28

Your husband is an arsehole.

HTH

M0rven · 18/09/2015 09:29

Don't have children with him

Do what autum Anne said way up thread

M0rven · 18/09/2015 09:31

I mean seriously SERIOUSLY do not have children with him

Because if you are exhausted now , you will have a breakdown doing all the childcare , all the housework , working and commuting .

NoMoreRenting · 18/09/2015 09:42

I think the your OP sounds very bouncy for someone in an abusive relationship.

So if your are in this abusive relationship then judging by your op, you have enough awareness of it to get out now.

Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 09:51

Thanks, everyone. I have been looking at either taking a break away for a separation or moving out.

As for my family, my mother was married to my abusive father for 40 years until he passed away. She tells me, and told my sister, who was in a violent relationship, that you 'just have to put up with it'. Of course, I have no intention of doing so, but I was well-trained from an early age...

I'm currently recovering from an operation, so not going to be able to do anything physically for a while. I have saved some money, though. I am also looking into whether or not I can cancel a holiday we planned for Xmas...which I paid entirely for, strangely enough (I had a small windfall), despite it being his choice of holiday. I don't think I can cancel the flights, but I did pay for them on a credit card. Does anyone know?

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 09:59

I should say, also, that he does pay for things without commenting when he is asked. I just do not think I should be in a position to have to ask at all.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 18/09/2015 10:05

parrots, do you have insurance, what's the reason for cancelling the holiday etc. etc.

but don't go on holiday with this a-hole anyway.

are you saying he's also asked you to do more housework while you recover from an operation?

Please do not be afraid of life as a single person. It's fucking fabulous. I say this because I get the impression that a lot of people, both genders, stay in relationships because they have this idea that single life will be awful.

Stormtreader · 18/09/2015 10:05

Income is just a number, its meaningless, you derive no value from the excess income since youre not allowed access to it so it can be totally discounted as affecting you in any way - surely hes arguing for HOUSEHOLD CONTRIBUTION and housework.
Tell him the obvious solution is for you to move to the cheaper area near your work so that you can afford your contribution towards bills to be equal, and then housework can be equal too! If he doesnt want that, then treat is as him saying he doesnt actually want these things to be equal at all, be confused as to what exactly hes saying he wants.

Refuse to listen to any other alternatives as they dont work for you, treat every discussion on this as if hes suggesting you move.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2015 10:07

I'm very glad you are not prepared to put up with this crap.
The cycle of abuse usually continues for generations.
You can now break that cycle.
Maybe contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
You are seeing the red flags but this course will help you with future relationships.
Get your sister to do it as well. Could you go together?

Grapejuicerocks · 18/09/2015 10:11

This obvious lack of respect must present itself in other ways too.

Housework inequality
Commute inequality,
He chose expensive house that you wouldn't have done.

What else op? Now you've seen him for what he is, I'm sure that there are a lot of other areas that you never questioned before, that you can now see as completely unbalanced in his favour.

It's hard to face up to. I'm sure you love him, but there is no respect for you whatsoever. Listen to those that have been where you are, and bitterly regret not acting on those warning signs when they had the chance. You have that chance. Either force the relationship on to a very equal footing in all areas of decision making and work or get out.

WannabeLaraCroft · 18/09/2015 10:12

parrotsaremeh

I really hope everything works out for you, I can only agree with the comments other people have made.

He won't change, it's obvious. It can and will only get worse.

Good luck. Flowers

Fizzielove · 18/09/2015 10:13

I'd love to see what his attitude would be if you won the lottery big time!

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, yours is not. His attitude stinks. Either he gets that into his thick head and bucks up his ideas and gets a joint bank account and starts pulling his weight around the house or pays for a cleaner or you leave. If you aren't happy ( which by your post looks like you are miserable and knackered) then the best thing for you to do is go. If you don't feel up to making a clean break try a trial separation, perhaps that will wake him up enough to realise that he loves and misses you!

I really feel for you and would like to wish you luck in whatever choice you make.

Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 10:15

My sister threw the guy out eventually...six years after my mum said that.

My husband doesn't hit me and I don't feel in danger in that way. He simply tells me very calmly that I am, basically, inferior, by doing these things.

Lorelei - I could do with cancelling the holiday because I could then get back 2k. This could help me pay a deposit and tide me over for a bit.

OP posts:
Grapejuicerocks · 18/09/2015 10:17

You can change his name on the flight and take a friend with you instead.

Why am I not surprised it was his choice of holiday?

PlopsyWhopsy · 18/09/2015 10:17

Your "D"H knows your mums views and your history, makes it easier for him. Well done for making and for time away. It'll make him realise what you do and make you realise how better you feel away from him.

Cancel all if the holiday you can now, better to waste a bit if money than a lot of money having time with him.

Our finances are completely joint, goes in the same pot for bills, no trying to outspend each other/own money. I earned twice DH, now I earn a fifth (post new disability) and the dynamics of our relationship haven't changed one bit.

You will be so much happier when you move and will look back and be grateful you found out what he was like before having children

lorelei9 · 18/09/2015 10:18

parrots, I'm not asking why you want to cancel the holiday, I'm asking what reason you'd give the insurer. Sorry, i thought you were asking for advice on how likely you were to get a refund.

interesting point by Fizzielove on the lottery win Grin

Anyway parrots, you need to focus on recovering and leaving. There is just no point staying with someone like this. And keep your plans quiet. If he thinks you're gearing up to ask for a divorce, I guarantee he will start finding ways to hide his money.

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2015 10:25

So you had a windfall and treated him to a holiday? But he gets a windfall every month because he earns so much more! Actually, you don't know what he earns or what he has in the bank, do you?

You have learned some very bad lessons from your mum and dad. If I were you I would move out and get some counselling. You've made a really bad choice getting married to this man, who doesn't even try to hide his contempt for you. You need to get out of the relationship and talk to an expert about how you can prevent yourself making that choice again.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 18/09/2015 10:46

Bit concerned that your H has seen this thread and would be able to find it again any time, if you are sharing plans it might be wise to take some precautions unless you are happy for him to know everything? Flowers

Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 10:55

Sorry, Lorelei :) I'm not sure what I would say - I think I will need to look into it further and read all the insurance conditions.

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 10:55

I was asking that, yes. I don't know if I would get a refund, but it would be quite useful as it was a fair bit of cash.

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 18/09/2015 10:57

He can't find it again. I took a screenshot and removed the names, just left the content.

OP posts:
munchkinmaster · 18/09/2015 11:17

I'd check with your Dr if you are fit to fly/ski in 3 month eh! If you do cancel husband should pay half of all costs I think