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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 21:45

I expect you will go ahead and have children with him

and then massively regret it

you have been warned

Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 21:46

Well, as I said, it is true that he pays the bills for the most part, but to give an idea, I earn about two thirds of what the 'running costs' and insane rent on the house. He earns about 4 times the full costs.

I admit that I am not as well-educated as him and work in a notoriously poorly paid vocational job. He works in a notoriously highly paid profession. He did know that I would probably not have high earning potential when he met me, though, so if he sees me as so inferior, which it seems he does, the I don't know why he married me.

He also refuses to have a joint account with me. He says this is because he doesn't want me 'policing' him. I did once ask him how much the bills were and how much he was spending, but he won't tell me. I don't police him, though. Some people might find this romantic and caring but I just find it controlling.

OP posts:
rageagainsttheBIL · 17/09/2015 21:47

Get out while you can...

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2015 21:48

He's a wanker with no respect for you. A mysogynist arsehole who wants you to know your place. He thinks that he is more important than you.

Do you think he's ever likely to see you ad an equal?
What was he like when you started dating , did he show signs of sexist thinking?

Rainuntilseptember15 · 17/09/2015 21:48

If you have dcs, you will earn even less through maternity leave/possibly part-time work. Don't go there, the disrespect will increase.

ToGoBoldly · 17/09/2015 21:49

Um he sounds quite the opposite of romantic

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 17/09/2015 21:49

Presumably you don't have his earning potential, so he's effectively saying this will be the deal (unless his income somehow decreases), based on what - career or educational choices you made at 17/18?

And gender. Let's be real, here. Even if she made the best educational and career choices, the second she had children she'd be the one taking a hit to her earning potential.

CantAffordtoLive · 17/09/2015 21:50

Please listen to all the good advice here, particularly AF, who says it how it is.

I'm not being smug, but really, these posts, sadly so very many of them, make me incredibly grateful that I live alone!

I hope you walk out, move out, take some kind of drastic action. Let him go and hire a cleaner! You would be better off without him IMHO!

MeeWhoo · 17/09/2015 21:51

"Some people may find this romantic and caring..." I seriously doubt that.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 21:52

well, this is a bit like bingo, isn't it ?

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 21:52

"I expect you will go ahead and have children with him"
Really, AnyFucker? You normally say things straight but this isn't necessarily true, and it's certainly not helpful. I'd prefer to tell the OP she has what it takes to LTB.

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 17/09/2015 21:53

Well, as I said, it is true that he pays the bills for the most part, but to give an idea, I earn about two thirds of what the 'running costs' and insane rent on the house. He earns about 4 times the full costs.

Then why the actual fuck are you paying anything towards any of it? He could absorb the full bills and still have more disposable income than your salary gives you...

He also refuses to have a joint account with me. He says this is because he doesn't want me 'policing' him. I did once ask him how much the bills were and how much he was spending, but he won't tell me.

While it's obvious that he doesn't seem to, please tell me that you know that that is your money too that he's not allowing you any information about?

MrsJorahMormont · 17/09/2015 21:53

Think very carefully about having a child with a man like this. How will he treat you when you're on maternity leave and earning nothing? He'll expect a 3 course meal and a BJ with the pudding every night.

Joking aside he sounds like a right twat.

Minicaters · 17/09/2015 21:54

Parrots I'm pleased you can still see when he is treating you in this demeaning way and being controlling. Please, please don't lose sight of this and end up regarding it as the norm, or (even worse) "what you deserve".

A real man would consider you an equal and treat you as such.

Having children together is a huge challenge to even the most equal of marriages. I'm a bit scared of what it might do to yours you.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2015 21:54

He is a bully and financially controlling to boot. When he married you he agreed to share everything he has with you, has he forgotton that already?

You'll be happier without him.

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 21:54

"Think very carefully"? I think the words you're looking for are DONT EVER HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN

bettyberry · 17/09/2015 21:54

If he is this unreasonable now it will only get worse.

Unless of course he has a major personality transplant and his 1950s attitude is pulled right out of his fecking arse... with a fork.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/09/2015 21:54

As far as he's concerned he's running the show and you're a passenger.
Leave him to it.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 21:55

Emma, everyone else is telling her to LTB so that one has been covered

I think I am predicting the correct outcome though.

LindyHemming · 17/09/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HazelBite · 17/09/2015 21:55

OP he thinks, no believes, that he is better than you thats what his attitude amounts to, do you really want to live your life and make your future with someone with that sort of belief in his superiority?

Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 21:57

Well, I think it's pretty unpleasant to say that I would 'go and have children with him anyway' - sounds like a putdown of my intellect (again). Rather, I felt like ending my five year marriage because of this seemed 'trivial', despite the fact that it doesn't feel trivial to me and it eats away at me, if I was honest, reaching into every area. I don't want to have sex with him, for starters, which puts the dampers on having kids. He also to,d me that he wouldn't give me access to a joint account if we had kids, and he thinks that is ok, that I would need to come to him and ask for money.

I do have a degree, in the humanities. He is a scientist, so obviously more money in that field.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 17/09/2015 21:57

My ex is a total dickwad and even he wouldn't think like this.

Not rtft in detail, has anyone considered that OP probably earns less because she's a woman working in a probably female dominated vocational role and her h is likely in a male dominated non-vocational role meaning the discrepancy in pay isn't because she works less hard but due to pay inequality. Making him even more unreasonable.

Seriously don't have kids with this arse! But seriously DO consider leaving. The secrecy over finances is a red flag too not to mention the other controlling behaviour...er why did you marry him?

Whereyourtreasureis · 17/09/2015 22:00

Do we know each other OP? I think you're married to my XH Grin

Please, please kick him so far up the arse that he drop lands here in the 21st Century. You are husband and wife. He earns a wage, and so do you. The discrepancy is irrelevant! You are both out of the home a considerable amount of time.
You do your share and he does his I hope

I never used to see this, and had digs at my expense for not 'making enough' or 'doing enough'.
Finally woke up to just how wrong his expectations were in all areas (due to 'D' MIL and her molycoddling of her DS mainly), and I was divorced and in counselling before I was 21 Shock

I'm sorry if i am going on, and dont want to derail the thread by rambling, but please don't let anyone make you believe that money earned is proportional to your importance in the family home. It's not and he's a twat for even suggesting it is
Personally I think you need to read him the riot act.

Flowers
RandomSocks · 17/09/2015 22:00

Forget the idea of having kids with him. In fact, best forget him altogether if he thinks housework should be shared in a way that is (inversely) proportional to earnings.

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