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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I have to do more housework because I earn less money

275 replies

parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 20:27

Am I unreasonable for being angry about this?

I think housework contribution should be based on hours worked, not money earned.

We live in a more expensive area because he wanted to live near his work. This means I also have travel costs and need to commute one hour each way, every day. It also means I could not cover half of all bills with my salary. If we moved closer to my job to a cheaper area, I could pay half of the bills, but he refuses to do this.

It is true that he pays the vast majority of the bills because he earns five times what I do. However, I don't think the lower earner should become skivvy to the higher earner.

As a side note, he is a lot messier than me which makes it worse. This may sound quite trivial but I am thinking of leaving because it makes me feel so demeaned.

OP posts:
Original poster
parrotsaremeh · 17/09/2015 21:32

His commute is pretty much 5 to ten minutes tops.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 17/09/2015 21:33

Keep holding off with the kids. At least til you are less exhausted and have found someone who cares about your well being cause this one clearly doesn't.

You deserve more than this, you really do Flowers

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 21:33

"I don't know what to do, really. We don't have kids - I have held off because I feel overwhelmed now. I'm either working, commuting, cleaning or sleeping collapsed on the sofa because I am so tired."

Sad

Thank God you don't have children with this man. He is controlling and probably abusive. I'm guessing if you weren't so exhausted you'd know very well what to do. LEAVE THE BASTARD!

Penfold007 · 17/09/2015 21:33

Over the years of being together and having a family we've gone from me earning more, DH earning more and currently I'm the higher earner. We split chores, child care and so on by available time not our earning power. I would really struggle to respect DH if it was any different and I think he would be the same.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/09/2015 21:34

He likes everything his way...........ten min commute how nice!

Fact is he believes he is superior to you and has less respect for you because you are a low earner.

OhFuckWhatHaveIDone · 17/09/2015 21:36

Equal leisure time and equal money after joint bills are paid. Unless you have a partner who point blank refuses to contribute any money or time to the pot, I don't see how anything other than this can be fair.

And your DH sounds like a scumbag who will try very hard to frame the marital assets as his personal assets should you decide to leave. Which you absolutely should, by the way.

DragonRojo · 17/09/2015 21:36

No kids? Well, that makes it easier. Now think, do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like a feeling class citizen? Because right now, this is how he sees you and I don't believe people change

SealSong · 17/09/2015 21:36

His attitude is massively disrespectful towards you and a massive put-down towards you, it's really offensive.

Bullied as well you say?

I would walk from this exploitative man before you get tied down with children. Find someone who respects and values you.

NameChange30 · 17/09/2015 21:36

Also, I don't get it when people say "show him this thread". Weird. We need to encourage OPs to be assertive in saying what they think, no just showing them what we think! The OP's opinions and feelings are valid because they are, not because we say they are. OP, don't let your partner dismiss what we say. You know deep down what is and isn't right.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/09/2015 21:37

So he has a roomful of people telling him he's wrong and his response is to say "I disagree" and flounce off.

He has no respect. You don't work less, you simply earn less, and he refuses to live somewhere where you could pay half and have a more equal commute. Even if you did live somewhere cheaper, he would be a pig to make you pay half when you don't earn the same amount.

This kind of disrespect, entitlement and passive aggression never occurs in a vacuum. It doesn't exist as a single flaw in an otherwise decent person. He's a pig and there'll be other ways he shows it.

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 21:37

He's really sorted himself out, living so near to work, hasn't he?

It doesn't matter whether he agrees that he's a twat - he is one anyway.

I'm so glad you don't have children with this man. Your life would be incredibly hard if you did.

BuggersMuddle · 17/09/2015 21:38

Your update makes him sound even more of a nightmare OP. Presumably you don't have his earning potential, so he's effectively saying this will be the deal (unless his income somehow decreases), based on what - career or educational choices you made at 17/18?

magoria · 17/09/2015 21:39

He is massively selfish and disrespectful of you and your relationship.

This will be a million times worse with DC.

You deserve better.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/09/2015 21:39

He basically thinks he can buy a person. So let him use his money to buy everything he apparently thinks a woman owes him. Let him pay a cleaner or a call girl since he thinks that's what he's owed. Certainly no woman will want want to stay with such a pus filled bubo of a man for his ability to love.

pointythings · 17/09/2015 21:41

Don't ever have children with this man. Get rid and find someone decent. You deserve it. He is an utter, utter wankbadger.

nameinlights · 17/09/2015 21:41

He is being so fucking unreasonable. My dh and I always share the housework. Sometimes when one of us is very busy the other one picks up the slack. The fact that I earn more than him is not relevant.

Please please think very carefully about whether you want to continue your relationship with this man.

Aqualady · 17/09/2015 21:41

Yep your married to a twat.

Think very carefully about the reality of the life you are going to lead staying with him

Corygal · 17/09/2015 21:42

If he's such a good earner, why isn't he looking after his wife? Put him onto hassle.com. He sounds awful.

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2015 21:42

What's more, he married you knowing you earned less - did he think he was marrying someone who'd do a lot more of the cleaning? Shouldn't he have told you this before the wedding?

LindyHemming · 17/09/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kampeki · 17/09/2015 21:42

Kampeki, how would it change your relationship if you expected your H to do more housework than you?

It would create an inequality in the relationship, I think, that would probably make it unsustainable in the long term. We are partners now, and the difference in our earnings really isn't an issue in our relationship, but if I expected him to do more of the housework in return for sharing in my higher earrings (?!?), it would be more like he was my employee. And what would I do while he was cleaning up after me? Sit on the sofa and watch? Confused

You should both have the same amount of time "off". It's simple.

AskBasil · 17/09/2015 21:43

LTB

Seriously, leave him

He has no respect for you

This isn't about housework. It's about respect. Don't have children with him.

Leave him.

Find a man who has decent values and respects you.

Minicaters · 17/09/2015 21:44

Proportional? Well that would mean the person who earns more should do more housework. Which is just as stupid.

Unless he actually said "inversely proportional". Which I strongly doubt.

AskBasil · 17/09/2015 21:44

The way to tell if you are doing a fair amount of housework, is how much genuine leisure time you each have.

If one has loads more than the other, then you don't have an equal partnership.

Who wants an unequal one?

anotherbloomingusername · 17/09/2015 21:45

Wow, so what would having kids with this guy be like?