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Comment OH made to me

251 replies

CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:02

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

OP posts:

RainbowFlutterby · 17/09/2015 07:05

What are his hours like now?


AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 07:06

he used the fact he would need to sort out a few things for his dc to eat over the weekend to have a snipe at you ?

if this is how he always treats you, no wonder you are depressed and are desperately looking for coping strategies

some would say a better way to "cope" is to get the negative influences out of your life....if you do everything anyway, what would you lose ?


CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:07

Just to add, I don't see how I can ever now share with him when I am struggling to cope with something related to being at home with the children, now that I know he thinks it is all so easy and small. :-(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 07:08

btw, you shouldn't even have "what will the dc eat over the weekend ?" in your head

that is his responsibility, like it was yours when he was away


TidyDancer · 17/09/2015 07:08

It sounds like he's cynical about this weekend away rather than your role.


CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:08

At the moment he is getting home between 10 and 11pm, and the stress at work for him is pretty high.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/09/2015 07:09

he will welcome some quality down time with his dc then, won't he ?


CaramelCurrant · 17/09/2015 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowFlutterby · 17/09/2015 07:09

Is he struggling to cope with his job at all?


Ellisisland · 17/09/2015 07:09

My DH in the very early days of marriage made a comment similar, he said it in a joking way but it still made my blood boil. With things like that my reaction is always to deal with it immediately and not let it pass without comment. In my case I responded with something like Yes I do have f-king lots of my mind. Then listed everything I was doing at home plus caring for a colicky baby all night and if he wanted to swap he could be my guest. He apologised and has never made a similar remake since.
Not sure if that helps you at all I think you are right to be pissed off at the comment and in no way should you feel bad for him having to prepare one meal for the kids!


RainbowFlutterby · 17/09/2015 07:11

Hmm... So you're doing it all at home and he's doing it all financially. Tbh it sounds as if you're belittling each other's role.


goblinhat · 17/09/2015 07:11

I think you need to talk to him- at length.

While his comment may have been insensitive, you are second guessing how he feels.
You have been apart a long time, experiences change us. Your relationship has been through a lot.

Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable about going away for a weekend leaving my children with a man they hardly know ( despite it being their father). Perhaps your OH feels out of his depth as he has such limited experience caring for your kids.

I too learned mindfulness when struggling with anxiety, but did one hour a week session in a block of 6 weeks.

You need to talk.


Thelushinthepub · 17/09/2015 07:13

You sound really low Flowers and the weekend sounds great

Honestly I would try to forget about the comment. It's not that bad; maybe he's stressed and nervous about having the children alone. It wasn't a nice thing to say but we all have little digs sometimes. Maybe he had a hard day and took it out on you. Not nice but human.


FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/09/2015 07:19

You were alone for a year with small dcs, and he thinks that was easy and any struggles you have had were not because you worked hard, but because you are in some way lacking?


That's really horrible. You have done so well. No one can keep on top of everything with a smile on their face all the time. And working hard without it being in any way appreciated or recognised is bound to get anyone down.

You must feel so very taken for granted :(

Has he ever looked after them for an extended period, alone? Will your DM be there all weekend? Could you cancel her being there when he is home?

I really think you are better off without his negative influence. He is causing your low mood and not supporting you.

I hope you can find a way forward, either together or alone. If together he needs to change his attitude towards you dramatically. The fact that you don't feel you can even tell him you are hurt, doesn't bode well.

You are better than this. You work hard. Don't sell yourself short.


WipsGlitter · 17/09/2015 07:20

Well... It's goes sound a bit of a self indulgent thing to do. And if you are a SAHM then I think it's hard for the working person to believe you have as much to worry about as they do.
But it's probably you just have different things to worry about.

You're obviously not on a place where you could have turned it into a joke or answered back.

I know I will get told I'm bring unsupportive but could you not have picked up a few ready meals?


potap123 · 17/09/2015 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:23

Rainbow - I don't see how him doing all the providing at the moment and me doing all the domestic stuff means I am belittling his role. I worry about his long hours and feel sorry for him and try to understand his stress. Really not sure where your comment is coming from.

Thank you, FuckYou and Lush - I see other comments appearing but I can't read them now until after school run.

OP posts:

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 17/09/2015 07:23

It's not surprising he snapped and made a comment. From his side of thinking, he works very long days in a stressful job and is the only person earning to keep you all. On top of that, he can't do his dream job or he loses his children and wife.

I think you'd have to be a saint to never make comment to another person needing four days away to get over the stress of being a housewife. If roles were reversed I'm sure you would be unhappy and comment too.


LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/09/2015 07:25

It's a nasty thing to say and doesn't show much respect for you, surely if he has been away for a year he would welcome the chance to spend some time with his kids.


Handywoman · 17/09/2015 07:26

Sounds like contempt to me.


If it's so easy then it'll be a breeze for him to get it sorted, won't it?

Or, if it's such an annoyance or so complicated, then he understands exactly why you need a break?

Which one is it? He can't have it both ways.

Sounds like he has been labouring under the misguided impression that running a home and bringing up small dc is not stressful or demanding?

Equally his working hours are ludicrous. Something has to give.

Failing that you could turf him out and have lovely time to yourself every other weekend while he has time with the dc.

I have been where you are. The fact you feel bad about not getting food in for the weekend shows how ground down you are.

I hope you have a wonderful long weekend. Enjoy the peace, come back stronger and tackle the situation. It can't carry on. Contempt kills relationships.


CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:27

Quickly: I have never written 'thank you' and 'fuck you' so close together before :-)

and I don't think 3 nights is too self-indulgent after carrying the can alone for a year. The kids are fine with him, and they will miss me but not be discombobulated being looked after by him.

To clarify, my mum is only here the two days he is working and then he is going it alone with the kids.

OP posts:

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 17/09/2015 07:28

He might feel differently after the looking after the dc on his own for a weekend, OP Smile


WipsGlitter · 17/09/2015 07:28

AnyFucker that's a bit silly. If it's a high powered job then he will still be thinking and worrying about it anyway despite spending "quality" time with his kids. DP works stupidly hard if he's in charge of the kids he is still working at home anyway.


sandgrown · 17/09/2015 07:32

Go on your weekend and relax and enjoy it. He will cope with his own children and he has the back up of your mum. If you feel up to it when you get back have a chat about what you can do together to improve the situation.


petalsandstars · 17/09/2015 07:35

Are things equal in other respects- do you have access to all the family money etc?

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