Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

[Duckdeamon]

Might be time to reflect on whether you're OK in the short to medium term with the current set up and "deal" of him working very long hours and you being a SAHM. And what you would like to happen in the long run.

Your set up might work for some people and not others. if you want/need to work for financial reasons or for your enjoyment, wellbeing or personal economic security then a reasonable H in a relationship of equals - especially having had a long stretch of time after becoming a parent to focus on his career - should be willing to make changes.

[KitZacJak]

It's only one weekend away after him being away for a year. I am pretty sure he had plenty of relaxing weekends in that year away.

If his comment was a dig at you I would confront him. Ask him why he feels that bringing up his kids is so unimportant? Does he think you should both work full time and split childcare/ household duties - I doubt it. He should value your role especially as you have been doing everything alone for so long, just as I imagine you value his.

[Spotifymuse]

Firstly, the comment about the OP being like a single parent is inaccurate. Single parents don't have the luxury of the financial security provided by a high earning partner.

Your marriage is obviously going through a tricky patch at present OP. I don't actually think that your husband is that unreasonable to assume that you'd have everything in hand for the weekend if he's still working stupidly long hours leading up to it. Your mental health issues are probably clouding your reactions and I do think you are over reacting about his comment.

If you find your time away beneficial, I echo the suggestion that your next step should be to spend some quality time away with your husband. It's to easy to let resentment and negativity build on both sides.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Is it too late to book in and join you, op?

[Scarletforya]

If your role is so easy and small then why is he whining about doing it for a few days?

Put that to him and see what he says.

[BitOutOfPractice]

"You are both tired, stressed and losing perspective. Do not get into a " my life is more shit than yours competition!" That is not helpful."

I think that's the most sensible thing I've read on this thread

You know what you both need to do OP. Talk about this when you're both not tired and stressed.

Perhaps you could plan a few nights away with your DH if your mother could have the kids?

In the meantime, try not to let it ruin your weekend, which sounds wonderful

[BitOutOfPractice]

Fuckyouchris I have just googled retreats!

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

:o glad I'm not the only one thinking that weekend sounds amazing.

I bet if we all went on one once a year, then the world would be a better place.

Op, I do like the idea of you and dh having a weekend away together to reconnect.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Not this weekend though, a separate one. One where you can talk, away from everything, to actually see if there's anything left between you after such a distant year.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

OP, my dH didn't know how much I did as a SAHM to a 2yr old, and thought I had the easy life, UNTIL I was unexpectedly taken into hospital for 2 nights. THEN he knew. He came into visit me - he was unshaven - DS was wearing some bizarre Tshirt (Lord knows where they found it!) and he said to me "I don't know how you ever get the housework done" Now DS1 was a demanding toddler - but that hospital stay was a blessing in disguise - he realised just how much I did.

I'm afraid that all too often, high flying career men think they're paying for some sort of 'kept woman' at home - when really she's raising the children and keeping the home - often single-handedly, while he only worries about himself, comes back to meals on the table and ironed shirts in the wardrobe.

On another matter - the retreat sounds excellent - I hope you enjoy it and find it useful, OP.

[lazycoo]

For your own sake right now try not to think more of this comment than what it is - a slightly unpleasant, comment but nothing worth getting seriously upset about of itself. The crystal ballers might think this is indicative of something really wrong but you've not said that in your post, although it sounds like your communication as a couple isn't great at the moment (but you're probably both knackered so who can blame either of you). If there is more to the comment than him being an overtired arse, then put it all to one side, don't rehearse any arguments in your head, enjoy your weekend away and revisit this when you come back - if you want to. I suffer from depression and find mindfulness and meditation very helpful at gaining perspective. You and DH are both exhausted and fighting your corners at the moment.

Based on the information you've provided, I think heteronormativehaybales has the right of this and thought the comments were good for showing another perspective to this. It's hard to see other perspectives when you're not feeling well - I know.

[Duckdeamon]

An absent or rarely home high earning partner would not be considered a "luxury" or even desirable by everyone.

[TracyBarlow]

Yes, looking after kids alone is a piece of piss isn't it? So what's he worried about?

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

I've decided I am also going on a retreat. I think it sounds fantastic - life stresses me out at the moment.

[MerryMarigold]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently, if you have a high earning partner who works very long hours and where that leaves you as a Mum/ Wife/ Person in your own right. I know couples were both parents work, but less hours and this can work well for both people. I feel like I never planned this for my life, being the one doing everything for the family, planning everything for the family. I always imagined it would be a team effort, but the fact is that it can't be - unless dh gets a different job, or I farm out a fair bit of childcare/ household stuff.

I think we (me and my dh) both think we have pretty hard lives, and it gets us into arguments as he as no idea what I do and the stress I go through, and I have no idea of his life, and am sometimes jealous of the amount of time has to himself. We need to be a lot kinder, more tolerant and more empathetic towards each other.

I wouldn't stress too much about this comment. It's not great, but I can see why he said it (tired, stressed, worried about having kids on his own, some doubt about how much you do as he doesn't do it on his own), but there's some fab advice on here. You need this weekend. Go and get refreshed, find some parts of you again, and then think about what you want/ need to feel like a person and sit down and discuss with your dh.

[AskBasil]

" I do think each of the people in this marriage has it hard in distinct ways and each of them has shown a lack of consideration for the other"

I don't think the OP has shown a lack of consideration for her husband. I don't think it's an outstandingly huge expectation that someone who is looking after his own children, will cook for them. If she was expecting him to build tree-houses for them and run them up halloween costumes and bake special Dr Who cakes for a specific birthday party they were attending, then yes, she would have been bloody inconsiderate. But cooking normal meals at the weekend? On what planet is it a huge unreasonable expectation that a parent does that for their children? Oh, that's right, Planet Earth, where men are supposed to be so incompetent that they can't even do normal things with their own kids for one weekend in years and yet are able to manage vast amounts of responsibility and decision-making outside of their homes in the workplace.

[AskBasil]

And nobody has said LTB, so I don't know where that came from.

[MerryMarigold]

On what planet is it a huge unreasonable expectation that a parent does that for their children?

My dh would definitely struggle with this. Reason being: he never does it.

It's not that it's an unreasonable expectation but that the dh's reaction is understandable too. It's 2 different worlds.

[TendonQueen]

Balancing up Haybales' comment, I've also been at home and the main earner in a busy stressful job. I find being at work much easier. I have a lot of work to do but I like my work and I get a sense of achievement out of it, which is often hard to find when you're a SAHP, grinding through the same jobs day after day with little appreciation for what you do. I think he's had by far the better deal. He got to live the life of a single person in New York for a year. If you'd moved over, you'd have the same amount of work to do but you'd have no one you knew around to help. This trip is actually the perfect opportunity for him to see what full time parenting involves. Supermarkets are open 24 hours, he can pick up stuff on his way home from work, however late it is.

[airforsharon]

I read his comment as referring to OP's few days away ie she's so busy thinking about that, she's not thinking about anything else.

OP is it possible that your OH 'disapproves' of the retreat because he thinks you need more traditional help for your depression? Would he prefer you to see your GP/consider medication etc (have you done this in the past?)

I suppose i'm playing devil's avocado but i'm just wondering if he's actually concerned about you but is exasperated because he feels the weekend won't be much help to you?

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

AskBasil - I think you have misunderstood me. When I said the OP had shown a lack of consideration for him, I didn't mean she had done so by not pre-cooking meals for the family. As I said, I don't do this for my own dh when I go away, nor does he for me when he goes away. An adult should be able to sort out meals for a weekend. I meant in pulling out of moving after having agreed to it, and in her general assumption about the comparative hardness of their lives.

[lottiegarbanzo]

It could just have been a silly comment about 'mindfulness' mind full, geddit? It could certainly have been off the cuff and sounded worse than intended.

There is probably some resentment about not being able to stay in NY.

There's an intractable irony that if he'd been living with you for the past year and making your life a bit easier, you might have been able to contemplate a move to NY with him.

You need to get well and into a new, better routine that will keep you both well and functioning, before you make any more decisions. Yes to some paid help in the home (ha, contradicting myself but that's a minor functional decision, easily reversed, not a big personal, family one).

Did he get no weekends off during his year in NY? None at all? You didn't.

I don't think anyone really knows how hard looking after children is until they've done it. We think of the nice bits. This weekend will give him valuable insight. Of course he can sort out food himself.

It's lovely of you to think you could have lightened his experience that way but there's a big difference between acting out of kindness and generosity and out of a misplaced sense of obligation, or even, fear of repercussions. I hope you course helps you think about boundaries like those.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ha ha, I want to play devil's avocado too! Or eat them, like devilled eggs?

[MerryMarigold]

I also suspect he said it because OP had taken care of her Mum and he didn't feel she had so with him. I expect if OP had expected everyone to be in charge of the food on their days, he would have kept his mouth shut, but the comparison rubbed it in. (I know, I know, they are his kids and not her Mums, but without thinking it through properly, it could feel like OP loved her Mum more).

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

'If you'd moved over, you'd have the same amount of work to do but you'd have no one you knew around to help'

Welcome to my life :)