Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

Wow, some 1950s posters! He has an entire year working abroad, leaving his small baby and young DC and benefiting his when presumably he had decent work options in the UK, and posters can understand him being nasty to OP because OP (a SAHM and essentially single parent for a year to a baby/toddler and older DC, with depression) wants a few days away. Jeez.

That was a very nasty comment for him to make. How is his attitude towards you generally?

What you want and need is as important as his career ambitions. Good for you for refusing to move to the U.S. If that wasn't right for you.

Is him working all hours really essential? Sounds detrimental to your relationship and family life.

What is his relationship like with your DC?

I'd be inclined to snap "Well if we end up splitting up because of your attitude and lack of support, I won't be providing any food for them at all when you get them for the weekend mate, so perhaps you ought to get used to it."

But I am a cow.

Is it possible it was just a comment in the heat of the moment and there is no 'hidden' message?

I know I sometimes say things that DH has blown out of proportion in his head and when we actually get round to talking about it, it turns out to be a knee jerk reaction to the given situation and nothing else.

I do feel that some people on here put far more effort into analysing what people say than it warrants.

Wait till you're both a step away from it and discuss it rationally...

If he has worked away for a year and works long hours then it's highly likely that he has little idea how much is involved in being a SAHP because he simply doesn't see it. That's not an unusual view of SAHPs in society in general.

Obviously, as this is MN, he has to be condemned as an utter twunt for making one ill-considered comment, but only you know how this one comment fits into the general context of your marriage and his overall attitude towards and treatment of you (though I'm surprised we haven't had a 'does he have any redeeming features?' yet )

If you're totally honest, OP, are you feeling guilty about going away from the DCs and are possibly homing in on intended or perceived negativity from others to reinforce that this is a 'bad' thing that you're doing?

Mindfulness will literally change your life, go.

Don't pander to him or waste any more energy thinking about what he's said. Just rise above it and enjoy your weekend.

It's not indulgent, it's essential.

Dh practically kicks me out the door twice a year to go in my retreat.

If my DH said that he would mean it literally - there is a lot on your mind right now, that's why you're off for the course surely.

Are you certain he was being a snide arse?

Hm. I think I'm more with Wips/Cookiemonster/Rainbow.

I've been both sole/main earner and main childcarer, and the pressure of the former is hideous, hideous. Looking after two under two is exhausting and draining, but as a SAHP you are your own boss and not constantly aware of the potentially awful economic consequences of any mistake you make. Your dh's hours are ridiculous (mine weren't) and I'm sorry, but I do think there was something rather selfish in your refusal to move out to NY. Plenty of us have to leave friends and family behind and go where the work is. I've had to leave a city I loved, the only place I ever felt at home, to come to a tiny town in the middle of nowhere where I am a foreigner in all senses of the word, stick out like a sore thumb, and had to work and cope with two small children. I don't think it can have been much fun for your dh being out there on his own, missing key phases of his children's development. This sounds a bit to me like the classic situation of neither of you appreciating the burdens the other is carrying.

If you struggle with being a SAHM, I think going back to work should be in your mid- to long-term plan as a family, tbh. I've always had to work (it's been PT for the last few years) for financial reasons, but looking back now on a decade of being a parent I am quite proud of what I have achieved in this period, in all areas of life. As a PP said, work will give you another focus. I think you desperately need to sit down together as a couple and each share your experience of the last couple of years and what you both envisage going forward.

I'm going to make two possible excuses here

Was it a dig at mindfulness not you? Does he think it's a bit airy fairy?

Is he worried at suddenly bring left alone with his kids when it's out of his comfort zone?
Either way it's not acceptable and you need to challenge it. His reaction will let you see whether it was a daft throwaway ill advised comment or a sign of s contemptuous attitude towards you.

Hey OP

Don't let anything ruin your time away - you are entitled to it and deserve (not that you should have to defend yourself...). Sounds like a good trip - look forward to hearing your tips :)

Life with little kids and such polar experiences for the husband/wife are very very testing and difficult. I've been there. It sounds like he does need to appreciate you more. But I think a good open heart to heart would do wonders. Choose a time when he is relaxed and in a good mood. I'd picked bad times to speak to my ex previously and it didn't help matters!!! You both had difficult lives in different ways.

Anyway, I understand how you feel and hope things look up for you soon. well done on being pro-active on the course. you've had some good advice above regarding job and getting help in. But also your little one will be at nursery in a year and things will get easier and easier for you so hang on in there.

(For what it's worth going to NY sounds like an amazing opportunity to me!)

Please consider contacting your local Home-Start - they can help with a volunteer who can chat with you and offer practical help so ease your burden a little.

Also, I notice about there have been some really harsh posts and I'm wondering whether the posters are just out to be spiteful, so just ignore those, they're unhelpful and pointlessly mean.

You both sound stressed and tired and he made a rude comment, don't overthink it. He obviously loves and values you enough to give up his dream job. By all means tell him how it made you feel but don't question your whole marriage because of it if you are otherwise happy with him.

Fucking hell Wips!

'Self indulgent'!?

So, just to clarify, this - It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

....is 'self indulgent'?

ODFOD

The comment may have been a dig about the weekend away and what you are doing. He quite clearly doesn't understand that a SAHM can become stressed and depressed because in his eyes you have it easy. Well, hopefully over the weekend he will find out that is not the case won't he?

You shouldn't have to think about food. You are going away and it is his responsibility to care for the children. While it is nice to have some meals prepared it isn't like you get that luxury of him preparing the meals for you when you are caring for them is it? He isn't some helpless man who can't manage to cook for them himself.

I guess there is a lot of resentment as you didn't move out there to be with him? It sounds like you are both stressed and down and resentment is brewing on both ends. Add him being away for a year you both probably feel quite distant towards each other. A recipe for disaster.

You need to go enjoy your weekend away and try to put this to one side for now. You deserve a break, so go and don't feel guilty about it. When you get back you are going to have to have a long talk about this.

As for this comment

I think you'd have to be a saint to never make comment to another person needing four days away to get over the stress of being a housewife. If roles were reversed I'm sure you would be unhappy and comment too.

What a heap of bollocks! A SAHM can't be stressed and depressed? A SAHM who has been doing everything for a year is bound to be stressed out and deserves a break. Working parents don't have the monopoly on stress and depression you know. That's undermining her role, much like her husband is doing really.

Was it snotty? Or was it understanding? Because you DO have a lot on your mind. My husband would say that genuinely.

I also don't think getting a PT job is necessarily the answer either, unless OP's DH is willing to change his working hours and contribute a LOT more to the workings of family life. OP would be juggling even more balls.

I wondered that too slithy but presumably it was said in a snotty way? You have to speak to him about it or it may niggle at you over the weekend (but I hope not).

It will be interesting to think about this and how much you've mulled over his comment and your response over your weekend of mindfulness. I hope the weekend sheds some light and even a helpful new approach for you. It sounds like just the right thing to be doing. You do need to talk to him and let him know his comment hurt you. It's disrespectful, and will only bring harm to your relationship if you keep quiet.

Fucking hell this threads like a time warp.

I blame the hacking.

I don't think it's a time warp I think it highlights (again) the different experiences of SAHM and WOHM.

I wonder how he will find looking after the kids all weekend? You probably work (running the house and liking after the kids) 6am to 8 or 9pm daily anyway

Blimey OP, all you want is a weekend away and this guy's been away for a year.

Sod the 'stress of being a housewife' posse, clearly they know nothing about the madness many of us feel stuck at home.

I managed six months of it on maternity leave and I only have one kid.

On another note, I'm sick of hearing about the poor men having to work long hours in New York or Dubai or whatever. They presumably chose that, rather than being at home with their families.

My dear friend has a work away husband and I'm so sick of seeing her struggle alone all week while he indulges himself alone in a rented flat with only his own needs to concern himself with.

Sounds like your DH is a high earner. Get any and all the paid help you can.

"Rainbow - I don't see how him doing all the providing at the moment and me doing all the domestic stuff means I am belittling his role. I worry about his long hours and feel sorry for him and try to understand his stress. Really not sure where your comment is coming from"

It's coming from an attitude of mind that says men's lives are more valuable than those of women and so if women try to improve their own lives, where it causes inconvenience to men, it's at the very least belittling and at worst selfish, with a whole gamut of self-indulgent, thoughtless, flighty etc., in between. You have to expect that if you ever, ever put your own needs first even for a couple of days out of 365

Is your DH resentful about your decision not to uproot your life and go to NY? Is that an underlying issue which hasn't been resolved yet?

I knew someone would tell you you were selfish for not accepting your role as a satellite to the main player in your life. But you're not selfish for thinking you have the right to have a life too, even though you are a SAHM, earning money does not give anyone the right to feel entitled to have the people who enable and facilitate them to earn that money, uproot from their support network, home and friends. So please don't listen to the poster(s) who tell you it was selfish of you to decide your life mattered too.

I don't think it was selfish at all you not moving to New York OP. I imagine you did it as you were thinking about what was best for the children. I wouldn't have done it either. In fact, dh and I were considering a move to France (much nearer than New York) but having ds changed things. I wanted him to be around family and knew I'd be unhappy not knowing anyone over there.

I think (hope) that having some time alone with the dc may do 2 things: make him realise it's no picnic and make him realise what he's missing out on with the long hours.

I think he is under a lot of pressure at work and perhaps there is a degree of resentment. I think there might be a slight over sensitivity to his comment from you. But I am assuming that the job/ pressure is a choice he has made, probably because of the financial reward? Some people are more goal orientated than others and perhaps this is at the root of the problem - neither of you sound very happy with this situation and I would be interested in the dynamics of your relationship otherwise.

I am a full time working mum. We both work but I am by far the biggest bread winner. We parent equally and I made a conscious decision that if I was spending more time at/ thinking about work than spending it with my child and dh then it was time to quit. It is a complete fallacy that in order to keep a good job and earn a good salary that your work/ life balance has to go out the window. Your dh is currently putting everything ahead of you and your dc, and who is he doing it for? He's not happy. His wife isn't happy. I would put money on it that the stress in your relationship affects your dc. Time for some discussion op. Perhaps your weekend away will give you the tools to approach this positively and constructively as well as confidently. I hope so

I think he sees staying home with the kids as some sort of easy life, stress free and has no clue on earth you'd need a 4 day retreat.
Maybe when you get back he will have a better idea, and sorting our two little ones alone and not getting a minute to himself will teach him to unhitch his judgypants from his arse.
I've done the mindfulness thing too, and let stupid comments roll right over me. Let him stew, he'll understand eventually.

The year DH was away you both had it tough and at times probably felt lonely or under-appreciated. Now you're both re-acclimatising to DH being home.

Maybe that was a barbed comment. For now let it go. You're not asking for a medal just a few days to regroup. We all need to pace ourselves and keep well, mentally and physically. When you get back, talk about the present and how you both see the future.

But he won't understand in the longer term Squinkies unless something changes permanently. Op will come home, her dh will go back to work and they will both fall back into a routine unless there's some tough talking and a willingness to make things better.