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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comment OH made to me

251 replies

CookieTramp · 17/09/2015 07:02

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

OP posts:
Learningtoletgo · 17/09/2015 21:53

I agree with Joshandjamie.

But I would take it a step further and (this is going to sound harsh) if you have to ask a bunch of Internet strangers how to take a comment your husband made to you when we don't know either of you or really the context, then you've got bigger issues than a mindfulness weekend can sort out. Sounds like you are both stressed out and both think the other has it easier. Both roles are difficult and stressful for very different reasons.

Sounds like JoshandJamies counselling route might be worth considering.

I'm not wanting to be harsh but papering over cracks will only work for so long. You need to organise a babysitter and have a very very long chat. Get everything out on the table and reconnect with each other.

totalrecall1 · 17/09/2015 22:13

I don't think it selfish you want a weekend away. However, you are a SAHM (with one child aged 6 at school), he works until 10pm everynight, and you haven't found time to buy food for the weekend when he is looking after the kids? I think that is very unreasonable.

BrideOfWankenstein · 17/09/2015 22:19

I haven't read the thread, but maybe when you get back and dishes are not washed or something like that, you can say the same back to him? Has anyone suggested it already?

TheExMotherInLaw · 17/09/2015 22:51

Sounds like a stupid foot in mouth moment that hurt more than it was meant to. I hope it was that.
Enjoy your retreat, but do let us know how it goes!
My dp accepted a job in the far east, and wanted me to go with him - we would have needed to get married before we went, for me to have been allowed to go. I said nope, no way, wasn't ready for marriage - enjoy yourself, maybe see you when you get back. He didn't go. Next year will be our 40th wedding anniversary, so it's rubbish to say it's wrecked their marriage. I have moved across the UK with him, and know what it's like to open your front door, and not know anyone for 100 miles, and that SUCKS enough, especially if the dh is working practically all waking hours.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 18/09/2015 00:40

Yy to joshandjamie and learningtoletgo.

Basil - I didn't primarily mean you with 'getting personal'. I do think people who are putting the other side to this - wondering what the dh's experience might be - are getting shouted down a bit unfairly. It can be a bit of a credo on here that SAH is always harder than WOH and the WOHP is always UR to express any dissatisfaction, however momentary. There are an awful lot of assumptions being made about this man's work and even about the OP's home life. I don't necessarily think it's the most helpful thing, in the long run, to bolster the OP's sense of indignation over what (as far as we are aware) was one comment at the expense of offering some perspective on the overall situation of the marriage.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 18/09/2015 01:18

Oh oh me me! (puts hand in the air), Last week I worked once until 5am and once until 3am (deadlines at work)... Plus being a single mother of a 5yr old with slap bang zero support network. Do I get a prize?

I think the comparisons and competitive hard-done-by's are missing the point. Is there in fact only room for one of a couple to be finding it hard? I hadn't realised that life / destiny had such a clear cut rule.

A useful thing is to break out of the intense competition for first place and the 'reward' of human kindness and empathy (or the biggest misery and wasted life award, depending which way you look at it)

In such a competition there's only ever one winner, and the other loses. Not a great basis for a relationship.

I hope you enjoy the retreat OP and don't come back to more oneupman ship...

nortonhouse · 18/09/2015 04:48

I will probably get flamed for this, but I do find it hard to understand that you decided not to relocate with your husband, especially when you would have been keeping your young family together and supporting him emotionally and practically in a job he loved and when he is working hard to support your family financially. I am an expat, as (at this point) are most of my friends, and we've all been in the position of moving all over the world with small children. I consider that my job right now.

Moopsboopsmum · 18/09/2015 05:37

^ this.

Saltedcaramel4 · 18/09/2015 07:08

Norton, I find it hard to understand why OPs husband moved abroad in the first place. Its seems he was just putting his career needs first. It's quite arrogant to expect a woman to relocate her life when she is at her most vulnerable. I'm sure OP knew he wouldn't be around to support her if she moved abroad

nortonhouse · 18/09/2015 07:15

Maybe she is feeling especially vulnerable and fragile because of the state her marriage is currently in? Maybe her marriage would be different now if she had decided to keep her family together a year ago? None of us knows. But I feel as if the OP is asking us to address the symptom and not the cause of her husband's remark - e.g. any simmering hostility or resentment that he might have about what he might perceive as her lack of support. I have been married for thirty years, I worked full time for a dozen years before our oldest child was born, and during the course of our marriage and raising children together, my husband and I have taken turns putting our careers and personal needs first. I think that give and take is at the heart of a good marriage and I don't think it is necessarily "arrogant" of a husband - or a wife - to ask a spouse to relocate for career advancement, particularly when it sounds as if, in this instance, the OP's husband is probably young and in a crucial phase of building his career. I assume - I hope - that their decision to have OP stay at home with the children was one they came to mutually.

lazycoo · 18/09/2015 08:01

I agree, not moving to NYC was likely to be a mistake. I was surprised at the rationale given and perhaps so was the DH. But that could have been undiagnosed depression and the lack of communication stopped the couple exploring this. Again I think haybales has the right of this and I hope the OP comes back stronger so she can take on board other perspectives. egging her on to get into a fight with her DH over his conceit just seems an unkind thing to do to a vulnerable person.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 08:12

Oh my god, more 1952 responses! Why the hell should the OP be an expat if she didn't want to? It's not something many people want to or can do. Sounds like she has more than supported her H's career.

nortonhouse · 18/09/2015 08:12

Completely agree with both lazycoo and haybales. Both the OP and her husband will probably feel much better if they can start communicating again and explore their issues. I really hope they will be able to sort this out together. Flowers

nortonhouse · 18/09/2015 08:17

Asking your spouse - either husband or wife - to support you isn't 1952, and that's not what the expat world is like anymore. While I would agree that the majority of overseas postings still happen because of a husband's career move, I have also met loads of trailing husbands around the world who have relocated for their wives' careers. I think we are discussing marital give and take here, and I wish OP and her husband could start communicating their feelings and needs to each other and support each other.

SpineyCrevice · 18/09/2015 08:22

I have not RTFT but it's funny how you are expected to cope on your own but when you go away, your DMum is stepping in to help him!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/09/2015 08:22

I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

Sorry to ask but was assuming everything was going swimmingly before the NYC job was proposed? Otherwise you would have been in a pretty pickle had you gone over with DH on a visa then fallen out only to find he refused to let you take the DCs back with you. Which, if he were on a different level of visa and the four of you'd stayed long enough, could have been a legal possibilty.

hettie · 18/09/2015 08:23

Sounds like you might both benefit from going to Relate?

Saltedcaramel4 · 18/09/2015 08:31

Yes can you imagine if OP had gone abroad and wanted to move back to the uk but her husband refused to allow the kids!

I don't understand why the DH's career choices top the needs of OP. Yes it's give and take but BOTH partners need to be on board with such a drastic move. It's unrealistic for one partner to relocate and the partner to blindly and obediently follow. Why on earth did he move abroad when his wife wasn't happy to go.

lazycoo · 18/09/2015 08:33

It's ok to not do something you don't want to do, but there are consequences. I don't want to take my bin out but I know what'll happen if I don't. Did the OP think through what if any impact not moving might have on the DH's inclination to support her being a SAHM with one in school?

Dressing this up as a feminist argument really is missing the point.

Also I don't know what to make of the PPs who say being a SAHM is v v hard but chide the DH for being daunted at the task for a weekend. Make your mind up, please.

RoseDeGambrinus · 18/09/2015 08:46

This thread's moved on a bit, I just wanted to say that posters upthread seemed to be seeing the OP's weekend as a jolly, a bit of 'me-time'. Mindfulness has been clinically shown to help combat depression - think of it as a weekend of learning physio exercises for the brain. Depression is an illness and mental health self-care is not a frivolity.

Duckdeamon · 18/09/2015 08:50

Becoming an expat with DC and probably no permit to work is above and beyond the usual level of mutual support in a relationship and something both people need to be up for.

I highly doubt that the proportion of male to female "trailling spouses" is anything near equal.

Lweji · 18/09/2015 08:51

His comment was contradictory. He either thinks it's a breeze to take care of the children and prepare meals in advance or he thinks it's too difficult and he shouldn't have to handle it all (like you still do, effectively). The only way to reconcile that is that he thinks the children are your responsibility and he's babysitting them. Hmm

I hope you enjoy your weekend and find a way of dealing with it all in your head with some peace and quiet.
As for relocating it sounds like it was insisted that you went and you eventually agreed, but that shouldn't have been the case. It should have been joint and it's a big decision to move away from family and friends to be isolated when your mental health may be already fragile.

IMO the next step would be to make some time for both of you to get together in peace and discuss your family roles and your relationship.
I would question the need for him to be that long away from home. It's not healthy for anyone and he could find another job. At this rate his job seems his top priority, but it shouldn't have to be. He made a commitment to you and he decided to have children so he needs to invest in his family too. Work should be for the family. Not an objective in itself. (Speaking as someone who does have a career)

UngratefulMoo · 18/09/2015 08:55

Not rtft but it sounds like you are both extremely stressed and under pressure and he is envious that you're going to have a break. YANBU to have a break at all, but perhaps he also needs one. You then need to find some time to have a break together - without the kids - even if just for a day so you can give each other some attention. It was an unkind thing to say but I can see why he may have snapped.

StarlingMurmuration · 18/09/2015 08:55

I want to second Rose's post. OP is not going on a "jolly" any more than a trip to hospital to have a minor operation is a jolly. I wish more people would realise mental health issues as as debilitating and as "valid", for want of a better word, as physical maladies.

Wolknowsitall · 18/09/2015 09:33

I don't usually comment on MN but here's a couple of thoughts for you when you get back - hope the course was helpful and restful. And forgive me but I haven't read all the comment on this page.
2500 years ago someone wrote "6 days shall you labour and on the 7th you shall rest" and people had believed that and lived that for 1500 years before that. I'm not being "religious" but you and DH are working far too hard and have no time for each other. Running a home, caring for children, work, responsibilities, career, ambition, duty all have to be paid for and you and DH are the price. When you get back, forget "the comment" but tell DH half a day each week you both do nothing except care for and be with each other. He might need some persuading - I'm not necessarily talking sex, but I'm not ruling it out either. That time is your time. Allow little else beyond caring for DC to intervene. No housework, simple meals, no messaging, no "urgent work", just you and DH. Difficult? Yes of course. Everything else in your lives will resent you spending time together and "neglecting" them. But it will get easier. Just be with each other -and DC. Give each other just those 6 or 7 hours, just one day a week. Why? Because he is the most important thing in your life and you are the most important thing in his life -so believe it and live it. You're both worth it!
And forgive me if I haven't expressed myself as well as I might. The core of the message is you need to devote as much time to each other as you do to all the other things in your lives. And mostly, people rarely do. Most of the stuff on MN could be avoided if partners valued each other ABOVE ALL ELSE!