Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

[Duckdeamon]

devil's avocado!

Hopefully Op is on retreat by now and having a good time.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I thought the op might like to know that, as s result of this thread I've booked a meditation and mindfulness course. If that goes ok I will go on a retreat.

Thank you op I hope you have a really restful and thought provoking time on your retreat and come home to a contrite man with a little more understanding of how hard you work

[AskBasil]

"I meant in pulling out of moving after having agreed to it, and in her general assumption about the comparative hardness of their lives."

I think the decision to move to a different country, when you are financially dependent on someone else, is so momentous, that to characterise a decision not to do it as inconsiderate, is a real reflection of the idea that the person who looks after the children (usually a woman) is expected to be a satellite of the person who earns the money in the cash economy (usually a man).

It's a massive risk to uproot from your country and your support network and to go to a foreign country where you have no employment rights and where if you split from your husband, you might not be allowed to come home where you have a support network because he has the right to see his children. To call anyone, male or female, "inconsiderate" for not making such a decision, is astonishingly dismissive of their right to have a life of their own.

As to her “general assumption about the comparative hardness of their lives”, this is what the OP has said about it:

“I worry about his long hours and feel sorry for him and try to understand his stress.”

Sorry, am I missing something there? Where is the lack of consideration in that sentence? I haven’t seen anything that dismisses his life, on the contrary, she acknowledge that he works long hours and it’s stressful.

I honestly think that many people still expect women to revolve their whole lives around the men they exist to support and if they don't, if they at any time put their own lives and welfare first (as we are all entitled to do) then they are seen as unreasonable and selfish in a way that a man simply would not be; he is allowed to put his own life first. Hence your assumption (not borne out by anything the OP has said) that she's inconsiderate to her husband - the only evidence you've got of that, is that she wasn't prepared to uproot her whole life so that he could pursue a career he enjoys.

[Moopsboopsmum]

I think by refusing to move, the OP probably killed her marriage. I think she probably knows this and that is what is bothering her. No amount of mindfulness will fix this I'm afraid. Hope I'm wrong though.

[redshoeblueshoe]

Blimey Moops that's harsh. OP enjoy your weekend away, hopefully your DP will appreciate what you do after a weekend on his own with his kids

[WoodliceCollection]

"I've been both sole/main earner and main childcarer, and the pressure of the former is hideous, hideous."

I'm sole earner and main childcarer, and I still don't feel entitled to speak like an arse to someone who (hypothetically, as no one has ever provided me with this) provides me with a years childcare to work abroad, cooks for me most days, and cares for my kids so I can work silly hours. It is really not that fucking hard having a job, and if you do find it so hard, perhaps you need to look at what career you're in and find a bit of a lower profile one (and yes I am in a job where I'm expected to work additional unpaid time, publish, project manage etc etc and don't get to swan about to New fucking York either).

OP, you need to talk to him about showing you some bloody respect or getting out as you'd get just as much support it sounds like as a lone parent, and I say that as one so not saying it lightly. Also you are presumably ill (you mention depression, which is an illness just as real as any physical one), so you are not only doing all of the household jobs but trying to recover from illness, and you deserve a huge heap of sympathy and understanding, not snide comments.

[Loungeroomlizard]

Not read all the comments but go for your weekend and feel no guilt. I have a supportive husband but just spent a week in hospital and despite being in huge pain and discomfort found the peace and rest rather blissful.

[AskBasil]

So over hearing how much pressure men are under from work. We all are. So what.

"I've been both sole/main earner and main childcarer, and the pressure of the former is hideous, hideous.""

I too am both and have been for years. The pressure of either doesn't give me the right to expect someone else to sacrifice their own life so that my life is fulfilled, however hideous I feel either pressure to be.

And FGS at declaring that her marriage is over because she didn't move to NY. She hasn't even touched on that, people have asked her if there's some resentment there, but she hasn't come back and said yes there is. For all we know, he may be secretly relieved to have the choice taken from him, or he may be simmering with fury - we don't know, because she hasn't told us. It's a bit much to declare that her marriage is over on the basis of what she's said so far.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

OP - in your shoes I would honestly try to let it wash over me and not let it screw up your lovely weekend.

Your husbands job might be very stressful, long hours etc etc but that is not your problem to sort out.

Let him sink or swim this weekend. I doubt he'll get a moment to "think" about anything at all to be frank.

If he's still being a cock when you get back, and doesn't meet you at the front door with huge affection and sheer relief deal with it then.

As for the USA. I don't believe you have asked us to comment on that.

Have a lovely time - sleep lots. He's had months in the USA of undisturbed sleep and 3 square uninterrupted meals a day.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

at Woodlice's assumptions about my career, the pressure and intellectual challengingness of which I am not going to enumerate in order to prove a point. And actually, I consider myself, right now, to have the life of bloody Riley compared to my dh.

Basil, yep, it is a huge thing to move country for a spouse. Couldn't agree more. I have done just that. And then left behind the only place I felt happy and settled in in that country. FWIW, dh has also moved to a place he hated for me, and I was very grateful.

I wouldn't go as far as agreeing with the PP's statement that her refusal to move killed her marriage. But I'm not inclined to join in with the view here that the dh should be grovelling at the OP's feet and worshipping her amazingness. I've said several times that both partners in this marriage appear to have needs unmet by the other and both need to reflect on how things have been and how they might take them forward. But people seem to be homing in on specific bits of my posts, playing top trumps and getting personal. Perhaps I should have known better than to expect balanced discussion in AIBU.

[WaggleBee]

AskBasil I'd quite like you to come and repeat everything in your first post to my Dad. It's really shone a light on a few comments he's made, that have been bugging me for years. Poster of the year imo.

[c4kedout]

certainly a nasty comment from him but his work sounds incredibly stressful.

I assume DC1 is in school during the day and you only have DC2 to look after. sounds like a doddle to me. Is there a reason why you find things so very stressful?

[zeezeek]

I have an incredibly stressful job, involving working long hours and often weekends. My DH is a SAHD (though does a bit of consultancy work on the side). I can honestly say I would be furious if he wanted to swan off for a weekend leaving me to deal with everything after I've had a shitty week. Being at home you are your own boss and if something doesn't get done then it is not the end of the world. Being at work means that you are always having to perform to a high standard, deal with other people and conflicting views, or just conflicts. It is stressful and when I get home I rarely want to even talk to anyone, let alone do anything else.

As it is he has gone away for 4 days now leaving me with our DDs and his DGS....but I've not had a bad week, so that's ok

[GinInAJamJar]

I suspect he may have a greater appreciation of the value of what you do when he's had to do it for a mere 2 days.... and him valuing your role more may be better for your mental health than the course in the long run.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Being at home you are your own boss and if something doesn't get done then it is not the end of the world.

Sorry, but that made me laugh. OK - so, tomorrow, I just won't feed the children! or do their pack lunches, wash their uniform, get them to school, collect them from school and then look after them, or make sure they're safe and loved! It's not the end of the world!

[AskBasil]

" the dh should be grovelling at the OP's feet and worshipping her amazingness."

Why are you saying that? Where has anyone said that or anything like it?

They've said he should be appreciating her. Which seems reasonable to me.

It's not personal to take your arguments and deconstruct them.

Thank you WaggleBee

[TRexingInAsda]

I think you need the weekend away and your h is being a shit for saying that. I would interpret it exactly as you did - what else would he have wanted you to take from that comment?

He might be a good provider financially, but if he doesn't support you emotionally, and talk to you with love and respect, then he needs to up his game. Does he love you or not? - then he needs to act like it. Starting with shutting his stupid mouth when it's about to come out with something unhelpful.

[c4kedout]

underthe preparing a meal, washing the school uniform, getting the kids to/fro school is hardly the same as performing in a stressful job.

and apart from that, many women do both of the above (i.e. working AND taking care of the children/school runs/household).

[waterrat]

Being a sahm can be far more lonely exhausting and unrewarding than working

C4ked out your comment is unbelievably belittling of the importance of all the small taska which go into looking after small children

I work part time in a fairly stressful but very rewarding job. ..I find it infinitely easier than looking after small children. I love my kids so I of course do get a lot out of my time with them
.but I have cried many tears of loneliness frustration sadness..exhaustion ...when doing all those simple things you say are so easy.

What utter bollocks it is to paint the man's life at work as one of unerring self sacrifice ...nothing but hard slog...he is choosing that presumably ...as I choose to work because work is gratifying and gives status and pride...even when it's long hours et
Op...do you feel he appreciated how hard it was for you being alone for a year?

Go and enjoy your weekend. ..I presume he had plenty of down time on his weekends in NYC with no family pressures

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

I dunno c4kedout - I don't think anyone can do the long hours that the OP's dh does - ie a full working day till 10/11pm at night and do the school run/childcare as well - unless you can be in 2 places at once.

School run with a baby/toddler can be very stressful, life with a toddler can be v stressful - and mental health is paramount here, as the OP's is suffering.

If I told you my school run is stressful - for lots of reasons - compared to my FT stressful job (which I spent years doing before dc), you probably wouldn't believe me though.

[Pilgit]

Horrible flippant thing to say to you and I can't believe some of the comments on here. I am sure after a weekend he will twig and then you can also list all the things you do as well that he didn't have to worry about because it was only a weekend.

I would recommend some couples counselling as you both sound like you have issues you need to air before it gets put of hand and you end up hating each other.

[c4kedout]

under, I know that school run s are stressful (I have two children, one with severe ASD and severe learning diffs). I still work (school hours to do the school runs) and a second job in the evening. I am certainly not talking from hear say .

for me, staying at home with a toddler would be bloody easy in comparison.

[AskBasil]

For you C4K

Not for everyone

What would be easy for some, drives others batshit.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Look c4ke, it's not a competition- and you're a fool if you think it is. The OP is suffering depression and anxiety, and struggles with being a SAHM.

I just think it's very belittling of other women for someone to devalue the work that women (mainly) do raising the children by saying:

Being at home you are your own boss and if something doesn't get done then it is not the end of the world.

[joshandjamie]

I haven't read all the replies - sorry - tired - but I wanted to say to the OP that her situation sounds very similar to my own when our kids were young. DH worked long hours and felt he had the toughest gig. I was lonely, without support, looking after two kids, getting increasingly depressed. We had competitions to see who had the crappest day. It took counselling. And then an almost collapse of marriage and then more counselling to make us realise how to communicate. It took an outsider to show us that we both had a shitty stick and we both needed to be more aware of the pressures the other was under. We can still have days where we aren't quite kind enough to the other, but we are about a million times better than where we were.

So perhaps its worth sitting down and talking to him. Tell him how you know how long/hard he works and how tough that must be. Explain to him what your days are like and how they must seem in comparison to his, but just how exhausted and low you are. Say that you want to be a team. He may push back and turn it into an argument. Just keep saying that it's not a competition - and that you want to learn to communicate as a team.

Good luck and hope your mindfulness weekend is brilliant. Sounds like you need some time out.