Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

From the comments some people have been making on this thread anyone would think you were on a jolly rather than a desperately needed therapeutic weekend after a long year caring for your children like a single parent.

I think your H is an arse and plainly has no idea how much wirk it takes to be a lone SAHP. He seems to think he has all the brainy important stuff and your work is nothing. Maybe this weekend will teach him.

I'd take some time to think this weekend about what a truly supportive partner would be thinking and doing for you in what sounds like a dark and lonely time.

OP was selfish for not moving to NY to support her DH's career?!

I always find it interesting that people talk about husbands/fathers working long hours as if they are making some noble sacrifice for the family. Sure, the family benefit from the money they are making but let's be honest here - most people working those kinds of crazy hours are doing it for their career. He'd be doing it regardless of whether he had kids or not. In fact, the OP being a SAHM is facilitating his ability to pursue his career. If she also worked outside the home he may have ended up having to make many more sacrifices than just the job in NY - he may have not been able to go at all because the OP might have needed him around to pick up HIS OWN children from childcare or whatever.

Now, I'm not saying that he is wrong to pursue his career like this but to make out that the OP should be grateful to him for doing it and therefore put up and shut up is wrong IMO.

I also think there is a real contradiction as well in how people belittle the role of the SAHM and yet think it's being hard on the dad for her to go away for a weekend. Either being a SAHM is a doddle and therefore leaving the dad to do it for a weekend is no big deal or being a SAHM is hard work and therefore SAHMs deserve a break from time to time.

You are both tired, stressed and losing perspective. Do not get into a " my life is more shit than yours competition!" That is not helpful.

You are rightly doing something you need to keep going. He feels like all the financial burden is on him and getting some food in is the least you could do.

Could you do an online shop of bread, milk , yoghurts , some basic food for the kids and a couple of nice ready meals and a bottle of wine for him? Then resolve to discuss it all properly when you get back?

Yeah pop out for some nice ready meals for him and while you're at it make sure you're wearing a pretty dress and make up.
Geez!
It's an obviously snide comment and yes OP your initial assesment of it sounds about right to me.
You do sound a bit shaky and vulnerable to such comments so it sounds like your plan to go on a mindfulness course is extremely well judged.
But your husband should feel bad about what he's said. I doubt he will but he should.
When family lives run at such a high pace it's very easy to get resentful of each other when really it sounds like as a family you could do with scaling back and not going at such a turbocharged rate. Easier said than done.
I hope your weekend helps you OP, I could do with something like it myself.
I'm a SAHM and am going on a retreat in october - my DH is happy for me to go despite him working like a demon too. This should be normal. When the money earning partner works really hard the knock on effect is the parent who is looking after the kids works harder.

I think you're over-analysing this. Your husband puts a lot into his work, as you say, as you put a lot into looking after the kids. He's probably not disrespecting what you do, but instead saying "when do I get my weekend away?".

As you say, he's got a lot on his plate too.

I agree, my reaction was that I wouldn't overthink this. I suspect it was a spur of the moment snippy comment based in him feeling tired and stressed. We're none of us perfect.

Well didn't he just have a whole year's worth of weekends away in NY?!

As a WOHM I just want to say that your DH is being a bit of an arse if he has a problem with sorting out food for himself and the DC. This thread is not showing the divide betw SAHM and WOHM, it's showing the divide between people who value the labour that people do in the home, which has no direct economic pay and those who do not. I'm firmly in the former camp, specially as it's all that unpaid labour which makes long hours jobs in NYC possible.

As for 'selfish' because you didn't move - OMFG. It's extraordinary to me that someone could think you and your DC are so unimportant that accounting for your well-being is 'selfish'. Such an incredibly hostile comment - please ignore this person.

I don't think it's a time warp I think it highlights (again) the different experiences of SAHM and WOHM.

I've done both and I know which would have been more likely to drive me to a meditation retreat.

AskBasil - yes, the OP is facilitating the dh to earn the money, but in earning that money he is equally facilitating her to SAH. She is not having to put very young kids in nursery and earn a wage alongside doing everything at home.

I could have stayed put in my established life, activities, and circle of friends when my dh had to move for work (I WFH so could take my job with me), and it was utterly horrible to move, but it was more important to me for us to be together, as a family, and not miss out on one another. My dh would have accepted it if I had chosen not to go with him, but tbh it would have broken his heart. And if I hadn't gone with him then he might well have lost touch with the children's lives and needs and been a bit daunted at having them for three nights on his own. (As an aside, we hear a lot about support networks in this kind of scenario - what about the dh's support network? Who does he have to offload to after a shitty 12h day? The same would go, of course, if it were the woman working away). As it is, when I go away for work (once every month or two for a couple of days) I can go without a second thought as to how he will cope and without having to pre-provide food etc.

I say all this from a position of having taken pretty much every role over the 10 years in which dh and I have been parents. He has been the SAHD and I have worked FT. We have both worked PT. The last few years have been him FT with some travel and me PT with some travel. I have had 12-month+ maternity leaves with older children to manage. The key to balancing all this has been respect for each other and for what we each do and achieve and sacrifice. I find these threads get very one-sided in favour of the SAHM. I am not saying the dh's comment was his finest hour, and I am not saying the OP has it easy. But I do think each of the people in this marriage has it hard in distinct ways and each of them has shown a lack of consideration for the other. This is not a LTB scenario.

If my DH said that to me...I'd have to clarify it. I.e. .......
When you said xxxxxx to me I felt very belittled. Did you mean it to sound that way. Said calmly.
If he says he didn't mean it,, then let it go for now.
But be quicker to nip it if it happens again.

I've done both too and both would drive me to a retreat frankly!

I agree.

Someone able to get permission to work in NY (sponsored by an organisation) can very likely get work closer to home and working shorter hours, should they wish to do so.

As it stands OP's employment options are limited.

He will have a much easier time of it this weekend than the OP normally does. All he has to do is nip to the supermarket, buy some bread, waffles and pasta and make 3 easy meals a day. The children will have clean clothes ready, he won't have to do much housework or gardening or bill paying, or hair washing or activities. No big deal if hair isn't brushed or teeth aren't washed just the once (or twice), or if a fruit shoot is as close to their 5 a day as it gets. He isn't facing the mind numbing monotony and pressure of trying to get it right every single day. I guarantee the house will be a tip when the OP gets home. I say this as a WOHM.

Sorry, I agree with the PP who pointed out that the DH isn't necessarily being noble for putting all this time and effort into his career (while Op covers absolutely everything with respect to their two DC, to the detriment of her economic situation).

I cannot see how the OP has shown a lack of consideration for her husband, other than not moving to another continent for the good of his career (and for the good of absolutely nothing in her life.)

Cookie: I go away on a few meditation retreats a year and it's helped massively with anxiety and depression so I really hope you can relax and enjoy the weekend. It will really be beneficial for you.

For what it's worth, my dh works very long hours too and is away a lot to clients and on conferences. He encourages me to go away on retreats because he considers it my "turn". Usually I menu plan and make sure there's food in (that he can cook for himself and the kids - not precooked meals to reheat) but quite often I've left it up to him to shop and menu plan for a weekend or even up to a week. That's life - the point is for me to get away and have a break without having to think about all that stuff. It's never been a problem - in fact, several times I've returned home on a Sunday evening to find a full roast dinner waiting for me when I get back and dh isn't a particularly confident cook.

It's all part of a partnership. And I think being away and your dh having to experience just how much work is involved will do you both a lot of good :)

Good luck!

She is not having to put very young kids in nursery and earn a wage alongside doing everything at home

If the OP was working she wouldn't be doing everything at home as well would she, because they'd both be working and both hate to take responsibility for the home

I just want to say that I'm 100x more stressed and depressed as a SAHM than I was was when I was working. I can't wait to get back after my maternity leave is up. YANBU, it was a cockish remark - he should be able to feed himself and his kids for a weekend, ffs. And he should be more supportive.

Maybe a weekend away together to gave some couple time and relax would have been a better idea? I think you deserve a break op but maybe he does too and feels a bit resentful? If my dh had been away for a year and one of the first things I did was go away on my own I think he would be a bit upset tbh.

I think it was a pretty rotten thing to say to you. But at the same time, I suffer from depression myself and sometimes it can be really hard for a partner to live with. So I think possibly he does deserve a bit of slack.

I'm also a bit at posters who are assuming that his time in NY was a year long jolly. It probably wasn't and he probably missed his wife and children very much. I think agreeing to something in principle then backing out would be exasperating and a bit unfair.

I think you probably need to have a sit down and a serious talk possibly marriage counselling. Because it sounds like you are both taking each other for granted. When you backed out of going to NY he probably felt like you take the fact he supports your family financially for granted but you're not bothered if he's part of their day to day lives which must be hurtful.

I do agree with you OP, that what he said was hurtful and unpleasant and he's taking what you do for granted, but I think you probably take him for granted too.

sooperdooper - not if he was working away (which was the scenario over the past year).

Duck - yes, he may be (also) pursuing this career because there's something in it for him. But this is (part of the reason) why I think the two of them need to reassess their roles going forward and look at her going back to work. I stand by what I said re NY, but that episode is over now, it's off the table as an option. So what I would be doing if I had found myself in this situation would be finding some decent time to sit down together, talk about how I had been feeling and then listen to how he had been feeling - then look for ways to move forward together and perhaps eventually achieve a more even distribution of money-earning and domestic roles.

Sorry for talking about you in the third person, OP. FWIW I do wish you well and hope the retreat proves productive. But I do think this has the potential to become an entrenched situation with resentment building on both sides and you probably both need a change of perspective and then direction.

yes, the OP is facilitating the dh to earn the money, but in earning that money he is equally facilitating her to SAH.

It sounds more like she has no choice but to be a SAHP, given that otherwise there would be no-one to look after the children and run the house/garden. She cannot even work evenings and weekends as he is so unavailable. Maybe she could work and put them in nursery full time but I would be frankly astonished if this is what the dh in this scenario would prefer.

He has outsourced the care of his children entirely to her and guess what, even cleaners, gardeners, personal shoppers, PAs and nannies are entitled holiday and personal time. Of course she could have got him a couple of ready meals in, but why should she? She is entitled to a few days off and he is an adult. Picking up a couple of ready meals clearly is no big deal, so it shouldn't be too challenging for him.

"If my DH said that to me...I'd have to clarify it. I.e. .......
When you said xxxxxx to me I felt very belittled. Did you mean it to sound that way. Said calmly.
If he says he didn't mean it,, then let it go for now.
But be quicker to nip it if it happens again."

^^this. Talk about it, what he meant and how it made you feel. We can all say snippy remarks in the heat of the moment. I also think that after a year apart, it must be very difficult to get used to being together again.