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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

295 replies

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 13:49

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'?

OP posts:

Bolograph · 15/09/2015 20:24

Part of some strict religious group,

I think that the accusations of "drip feeding" are well made...

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 20:25

I think so. I honestly wasn't expecting a barrage of supportive replies, but still. I suppose the lashing out comment is another dripfeed...

OP posts:

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 15/09/2015 20:26

When I was 18 I was a party girl, out 3/4 times a week, liked tequila, the generic teenager. At 21 I was settled down with a husband and baby. 3 years is a long time.

She was ill. She isn't now. She is your son's long term partner who might be your DIL.

How long will it take for you to forgive her?
What happens if they move into together? Get married? Have children?

How you act with her now will say alot to her. It was 3 years ago, she is sober, she has apologised over the phone and wrote a letter. She deserves a 2nd chance and the past to be the past.

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 20:28

I don??t know the details! I think it's basically an independent Christian group that probably has some rules that are viewed as strict. I'm not intending to do this. Dripfeed I mean. I was just very focused on the coming to stay issue when I posted the op. Was I supposed to include every detail? Is that possible?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 20:35

Have you ever read any novels by Marian Keyes, OP? I wonder whether you could get your hands on "Rachel's Holiday."

Marian Keyes is an alcoholic - she must be about 50 now and hasn't drunk for 20 years or so. She's pretty harsh on how she behaved. It might be worth your while having a look at some of the interviews she's given. She is the most lovely, articulate, intelligent and witty woman who acknowledges this will be something she has to tackle all of her life.

"Rachel's Holiday" tackles a young girl's slide into alcoholism - it's very funny, very insightful and very moving.

I wouldn't write your son's girlfriend off. I would invite her to stay and try to talk to her on the phone a few times before she gets there. I'd make the Christmas as good as you can and enjoy having your son there with you.

He's your only son. Losing contact with him isn't an option. You have to be the adult, hold out the olive branch and see what kind of young woman his girlfriend is now.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 15/09/2015 20:36

I think you need to talk to your son face-to-face. Not by e-mail or phone, but in person if at all possible. Can you visit him for a weekend or even for one night so you can talk over dinner, or have him home for a weekend on his own before Christmas?

He does need to know how she made you feel, BUT then you need to agree to draw a line in the sand and try and talk to her. People change a lot at that age and it sounds like she's really worked hard and grown up. Please don't hold a grudge on her for the rest of your life. She could well be your future DIL and mother to your grandkids. Don't risk alienating your son for this. You'll regret it.

SenecaFalls · 15/09/2015 20:36

OP, I don't think you have been drip feeding. You have been answering questions.

Drip feeding to me is when a poster says something that completely changes the dynamic of the situation she has been describing. The OP has not done that.

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 20:37

I have accepted that I will have to meet her again for my son's sake - soon. I would like to do this on neutral territory as has been suggested, and will have a word with ds about arrangements. This may lead to her coming to stay in my home. With boundaries in place. Lots.

I do want to ask though, would you all find it easy to get past this? Am I just a giant emotional fuck up who cannot forgive and move one? Pathetic etc.? Self pity alert.

OP posts:

stopfaffing · 15/09/2015 20:39

OP I agree that having this woman to stay over Christmas is a bad idea and that arranging a visit at a different time is preferable, mainly because you can spend the time getting to know each other properly without the false celebratory aspect of Christmas getting in the way.

I can understand your reservations about your son marrying an alcoholic, even if recovered. I would be unhappy if it was my DS or DD. We want the best for our children and sadly, alcoholics are totally and completely selfish when in the throes of their addiction.

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 20:39

Googling Marian Keyes now, thanks Imperial!

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 15/09/2015 20:41

I think you'll learn to forgive when you truly understand how horrible alcoholism is. My granddad is an alcoholic and he is truly dependent on alcohol. It's not a case of it being a "bad decision made when sober". Not at all.

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 15/09/2015 20:45

As a person with MH issues, I would move past it.

Being ill, and being 'me' are 2 different people. When I was ill, I was a mess, a sobbing, erratic mess.
Now it's under control, it's still hard, but I'm normal.ish.

She didn't chose to be that person.

herderofcats · 15/09/2015 20:51

I think SilverBirch's approach is along the right lines.

Spending Christmas in a hotel on the mainland, near to your son is a good idea. Neutral territory and your son could host.

Is nobody else worried about your son being 'dominant and domineering'?

He doesn't come across well, imo.

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 20:56

Just sent you a PM, OP.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2015 20:58

IB, that suggestion to read Rachel's Holiday is bloody genius

Haffdonga · 15/09/2015 21:05

YANBU.
YAN drip feeding.
And YA being calm in the face of some quite nasty criticism. I'd feel exactly the same as you but I'd be far more upset about the critical vipers.

GF obviously horrified and frightened you and you decided you didn't want her anywhere near your home ever again. Totally reasonable. (How many other MN threads have urged posters to go NC with close relatives for far less?)

You see your ds involved with a damaged and damaging person and you secretly hope that the relationship will end. Again totally reasonable. (What parent hopes her dc will stay in a relationship with someone who has behaved in such an abusive way?)

I totally agree that Christmas is absolutely not the time for a rapprochement with GF. Christmas has far too emotionally loaded with heightened emotions all round. It's also traditionally a time of good cheer and alcohol.

Invite GF to stay with ds (if you want) on a totally insignificant weekend date. Go for some bracing walks and tell her how you feel over a cup of tea.

Just perhaps she can start to rebuild your trust.

featherglass · 15/09/2015 21:06

I suppose OP it depends on your priorities. As a parent my child is the most important person in my life. To me, it is inconceivable that I wouldn't try and build a relationship with their partner - even after such a disastrous start. 3 years is a VERY long time to remain stuck with your original feelings of fury and disapproval. If you are celebrating Christmas as a Christian festival then it seems even more hypocritical to maintain such a harsh attitude. And if it is not a Christian celebration then all the fuss is a bit of a nonsense.

I would respectfully suggest that you take a long hard look at what you want for your future and for your son's future. A future built around recrimination and a lack of forgiveness could be a sad and lonely one. The idea that you are too busy to try to build bridges between now and Christmas is I fear just an excuse. You don't want to forgive her and you don't want to make life easier for this young couple. You are stuck and sadly it seems have no intention of trying to build bridges.

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 21:09

AnyFucker I'm about to buy it Thanks again Imperial

OP posts:

SladeGreen · 15/09/2015 21:09

I do want to ask though, would you all find it easy to get past this?

No, I wouldn't, and I say that as someone with a history of mental health problems, during which I have made major fuck-ups and upset a lot of people. Like I said before, I would not blame you for being cautious and saying no. Christmas should be a happy time for families to get together and enjoy themselves. If you feel uncomfortable at all with the arrangement, you should say no.

Griphook · 15/09/2015 21:24

I don't think you've dripped fed. I think you've answered question.

I would find someone who scared me in my own home, particular in an isolated village very hard to forgive.

Fake it until you feel it!

OctoberCupcake · 15/09/2015 21:41

After 3 years, 2.5 of them she has been in recovery, then yes I think YABU.

Perhaps it's just the way you're writing but having caught up it seems like there is a lot of excuse making going on. The whisky is nothing compared to the relationship with your DS surely? And who gives a toss what the neighbours think if they stay elsewhere (for reference, DH & I always stay in a hotel when we visit my family; it gives everyone personal space and feels more like a 'holiday' for us).

If you value and want to preserve a relationship with your DS then you need to put this crippling grudge aside and give the girl a chance! Be that at Christmas, or by taking a long weekend off and going to see them on the Mainland. Surely your Son is worth that time & effort??

Something I'm not sure has already been mentioned; she must think an awful lot of your DS - if I had behaved like that at 18, in the home of a boyfriend's parents, I think the shame would have been enough for me to end the relationship & never see any of them again. Never mind remain with him for 3 years, apologise by phone and in writing, and be able to hold my head up high enough to return to the 'scene of the crime'.

Cookingongas · 15/09/2015 21:42

I wouldn't find it easy op. Especially in light of other ongoing betrayals which you've had to ensure in your home that you've alluded to- re your ex dh.

Ime when your trust and peace is wrecked so thoroughly it makes you wary. You put up walls to stop yourself trusting and getting hurt again.

But. I would forgive. You have to for the reasons already plentifully covered. But do so neutrally. As you suggest on neural ground and build form there. If she's on 12 steps, she will understand and accept that this is a consequence and will, hopefully, be supportive of your choice to your son should he react badly.

All the best op x

Whathaveilost · 15/09/2015 21:44

Sorry Op I said you were ignoring every suggestion. I wrote the post quite early on and got distracted. By the time I posted the thread had moved on and I hadn't realised.

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 21:45

Thanks Cooking x

I think I have to forgive too.

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherNameTrala · 15/09/2015 21:47

That's alright What. I've probably been feeling quite defensive.

OP posts:

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