To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

[AnotherNameTrala]

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'?

And maybe I'll change my mind, and we'll have a joyful Xmas together

Perhaps a meeting on neutral ground first would be a good idea.

Where will they stay for Christmas?

Perhaps there's a chance that you could visit them?

I agree to not closing the door, but staying this Christmas doesn't work for you.

"And maybe I'll change my mind, and we'll have a joyful Xmas together"

I suppose it depends on what their plans are if not you iyswim.

Your son wants to see you at Christmas, As he has a long term partner he would like to bring her too.
You could have a dry Christmas.

What's more important to you, your long term relationship with your son whom you say you love or some expensive whisky and alcohol at Christmas?
And you say the girlfriend has problemsn

Helpful post, littledrummergirl I don't care about the cost of the whisky.

I imagine he will go to his father's for Christmas with gf, as I really doubt that I can have them this year.

Has you DS not mentioned his girlfriend getting help for her drinking until now. Because to me it sounds odd that because it's your year for Christmas that he now saying she been not drinking for 2.6 years.

I also thought part of her recovery with the AA was for her to make amends to those she had hurt and it doesn't sound like she has done that other then on a very surface level.

I do agree with you that she can not come this year for Christmas and SHE needs to show you she has changed for the better.

I think that the next time you meet the woman who went on a crazy, violent, thieving booze bender in your home, that it should be brief and not take place in the home she disrespected so utterly the last time you met.

I think you have some serious issues with your son, who sounds like he bullies you and has no respect for you as a person.

To have inflicted such an awful guest on you and have never apologised is very disappointing.

As is him blaming you for taking his cheating father's side against you in your divorce.

For him, as a 21 year old adult man, to announce that he is bringing a girlfriend who scared you in your own home, back into your home at Christmas says a lot about his consideration for you, and none of it is good.

Everyone deserves a second chance, we've all made mistakes. She was young and foolish and she realised this as she phoned to apologise, it was a few years ago now - people change and she has no doubt matured and dealt with her issues since then. Lastly she is seeking help for the alcohol problem. I personally don't think you could ask for more given the circumstances. Let it go and give her a chance. This girl could be your future dil.

Hi op not ploughed through he thread but have had issues on all sides from your op.

Ie alcoholism in the family with all the pain, confusion and chaos it causes. Problems with in laws and staying etc.

As an aside I knew someone else when younger and fell in love with him, also had a drinking problem he is now hugely and I do mean hugely successful, ( think big time actor) and sober.

I understand you for your own reasons do not want this chaos again but I feel,

you will irrevocably damage your relationship with your son,

Forgo any relationship with future grandchildren,

possibly set her recovery back and do your own damaging of trust.

I personally have and feel people deserve a second chance.

If she behaved badly again, I would not blame you for not having her again, but it seems very harsh to not have them this time.

Its christmas, your happy to sit alone eating a small turkey, so maybe xmas isnt such of a big deal to you? If so, why not just let one - hang in the balance and give it a go from the depths of your heart.

I always feel - for the grace of god go I, and if this was YOUR son, in this position, sober etc and wanting to repair damage and stay with his in laws how would YOU feel? If this was also YOU< how would you feel?

Everyone deserves a second chance and this is what xmas is all about.

I have given second chances and sometimes they work out, they sometimes dont but at least my heart is clear when I know I have tried my best to repair a situation and give someone a chance to repair it.

good luck op, its hard!

one more thing, your son loves this girl, its also cruel to him and hurtful to keep rejecting her, you brought him up, you should try and find a way to like her for his sake, if you....loved him...

also last time you did not know what was coming nad it must have been shocking, this time you know, and you know you can ask her to leave at the first sign of trouble.

For him, as a 21 year old adult man, to announce that he is bringing a girlfriend who scared you in your own home, back into your home at Christmas says a lot about his consideration for you, and none of it is good

he wants to be with his mother? if he hated her so much he wouldnt bother with her.

isnt that nice enough?

Could you maybe suggest to the pair of them that you all have Christmas together in a hotel on the mainland? That way it's in a neutral place, but you're together.

I think this girl deserves another chance. She was only 18 at the time and has since admitted to having a problem.

Put it this way, if she does play up again then you can safely say she can never be trusted.

Howevert his is an opportunity for her to make it up to you.

I am surprised she hasn't tried prior to this though. Have you had any contact with her since that time?

I truly believe that this could be a turning point in your relationship with your son. It incredibly difficult being the partner of someone with an addiction. He seems to have supported her for the past 2 years. You should be so proud of him What it comes down to is you are asking him to chose between you and his partner. You might not like the answer.

OP, I do understand. My DSDIL (i.e. my stepson's wife) is an alcoholic. Recovered with only one lapse in the last four years. She has done some terrible, terrible things in the past but they were a function of her illness. She is a genuinely lovely, talented, amazing person and we love her. We have forgiven her. You do want the best for your DS but try to give this woman another chance.

This is tough but I think it was a long time ago now. She was disrespectful but everyone deserves a second chance imo.

If she makes you feel safe again call the police and inform them this is your plan. I would have them to stay before Christmas to see how it goes. If that isn't possible how about arranging for them to stay after at some point?

I'm pretty sure that OP will give her another chance.

But not necessarily at Christmas when there might not be an option for them to go somewhere else if necessary.

he wants to be with his mother? if he hated her so much he wouldnt bother with her.

isn't that nice enough?

Um, no?

Glad I'm not related to you.

OP I appreciate how you feel and think it is totally understandable that you are very wary of having this woman in your home.

That said, I think you are going to have to face up to the fact that if you continue to block her presence from your home it will impact your relationship with your son.

Personally, I do think Christmas is an unecessary complication here. It's a tricky time anyway where events often come to a head and the stress of expectation of having a great time often lead to the opposite!

Having her first "sober" visit at this time isn't something I'd be keen on and has the potential to go horribly wrong - exactly what you dont need if they are in it for the long haul, beacuse a 2nd bad visit could very well result in an irrecoverable situation.

Can you not suggest to your son that she comes at a different time for her "first" visit post sobriety? That way you and her can hopefull forge a new and positive relationship, free from the pressure and expectations (and tbh booze) of Christmas.

Perhaps a weekend in early Decemeber? Then if this goes well you can re-consider you view on a longer stay over the festive season.

Am I just a giant emotional fuck up who cannot forgive and move one? Pathetic etc.? Self pity alert.

Hmmm…that depends. Are you the woman with the flirty neighbour who is married to local GP? In which case perhaps…..sorry, but yes.

Apologies if that's not you, but if it is (and there are very strong parallels that leap out at me from this thread and that one as I remember it) is that you do have a tendency to massively over-think things and dwell far too much on the negatives in any situation, building them up in your head to be worse than they are, until you are in a complete state of anxiety over something that happened in the past which a more well balanced person would be able to brush off and be a bit more stoic about.

You can't change the past but you can shape the future by allowing yourself to stop seeing everything as a battle needing to be fought, you against the world etc.

Incidentally, if this bottle of good whisky was right at the back of the kitchen cupboard how on earth did she find it? And why was it there?

Do you think your son had a hand in 'stealing' all this booze and perhaps you are too keen to pin all the blame on to her and are in denial about his part in it all? It does seem remarkable that he would just sit back passively while she systematically goes through your cupboards alone looking for booze and draining every last drop she can find and he has absolutely no part in any of it.

If she has been brought up in some very strict sect perhaps she just went more than a little crazy in her first year of independence at uni and things got wildly out of control because she hadn't been exposed to booze, sex and freedom gradually and learnt about acceptable limits and boundaries the way that regular teenagers do?

She was having a conversation with you about alcoholism on the phone only a year ago, yet this happened three years ago and you haven't seen her since. That tells me she is truly contrite and is doing her very best to make all the amends she can - she is being made to eat A LOT of humble pie by you, isn't she?

She was stupid, she was badly behaved, she was aggressive - we've established that. But she was a kid with a problem. It was three years ago and it looks like she's been trying to make it up to you ever since. Most people her age would have said 'fuck that' she's an unforgiving uptight old witch and I can't be arsed with her.'

Incidentally, I have experienced something very similar in my own home with a friend of one of my children who I never liked or trusted anyway and that incident just magnified my feelings about him a thousand fold.

I do understand how you tense up and feel nothing but hatred and contempt when you recall that awful incident and how it made you feel at the time. But this isn't just some friend you can easily banish from your life, it's your son's girlfriend of over three years. You can't afford to take this hard line unless you are prepared to drive a wedge between you and your son possibly forever. To give her second chance now is not about forgetting what she did or saying it doesn't matter, it's about moving forward for the sake of your relationship with your son. That's really all that matters, isn't it?

So you dwell on negative stuff?

Maybe take this as an opportunity to make steps to work towards working past that. Not just for your son and his gf. For you.

Are you really happy in the middle of nowhere with minimal interaction with people while you dwell? Have you actually made this worse than it was, constantly going over it in the last 3 years. Maybe you haven't but dwellers tend to do that, especially when alone for long periods.

Honestly, as pp said, you are heading into the territory of 'awful mil'. You have chose to not allow her to come and are moaning about being lonely. This is your choice, you should make the choice and accept the consequences.

Why have you never made an effort to visit them in neutr territory in the last 2 years? Did you expect home to not want to spend christmas with her, on the years he comes to you?

Does your ds blame you for the divorce or has this sort of behaviour, from you since the divorce, created the distance?

I would agree with the poster above that if you know that you tend to dwell on negative things that you take this opportunity to try to change that. It sounds like this is a long term committed relationship and you need to find a way to move forward or you will further distance yourself from your son.

Try to recognise how her response to what happened shows her strength of character and commitment. You may not see alcoholism as an illness but what I can tell you, having worked with drug and alcohol users for a long time is that alcoholism is an extremely difficult problem to successfully address. To have been sober for 2.5 years as a student who will be surrounded by temptation on a nearly constant basis shows huge strength and commitment. It would have been easy for her minimise the issue and in the drinking culture of universities it would have been easy to find friends to enable this. She didn't, she recognised the problem, sought out help and continues to do so. So many adults struggle to do this and she was little more than a child really. Personally I'm full of admiration for the woman you have described. You can hold onto the image that you have from one week three years ago or you can begin the process of getting to know her based on what her behaviour in the last 2.5 years tells you. I really hope you are able to do that for the sake of all three of you.

Did someone really just ask me why I had a bottle of whisky at the back of a kitchen cupboard? Why shouldn't I? She found it because she was combing the house for alcohol I imagine - we're quite a distance from the nearest shop.
Also, I think I made it fairly clear that I am divorced, and having a lonely, bitter Christmas, so I'm hardly likely to be suddenly married to a GP, am I?

Currently making arrangements with ds to go and stay with him for a long weekend in November, if I can get the time off, so I hope to meet his gf again then. I'm not saying she can never come back here, as this thread has helped me see, but we need to have this more neutral meeting first.