To not have my DS's girlfriend to stay

[AnotherNameTrala]

I have name changed for this thread, because this might be identifying. It's an issue which is weighing on me currently, and I haven't discussed it properly in real life yet. AIBU may be the wrong place, sorry. Trying to keep it brief:

My DS is now 21 (at University a few hours away), and his girlfriend of several years the same age. Roughly 3 years ago, he asked if he could bring the girlfriend to stay - I agreed. This was, well it was a disaster. Over the course of the week she stayed she drank all of the alcohol in my son's room and stole drink which I had in the house. She was sick all over the place, she was screaming, crying, in some awful states, she missed her flight home... I was so incredibly angry at her, and at my son for inflicting her on me. Vowed I'd never have her in my house again. She phoned after she finally reached her home to apologise, and tell me that she had a severe alcohol problem. (I had realised...) According to my DS, she is now 2 and a half years sober, and attends AA meetings regularly. He wants to bring her to stay at Christmas. And I just...I can't. She caused utter havoc, drove a wedge between me and my son. AIBU to say no, despite what I hear of her 'recovery'?

I agree with Morris it's not bad to think it/hope it might end just don't say it to them.

Most of my family where hoping for the day my brother split with his gf instead he proposed, then went off to uni and we hoped they would split but after 2 years she's moved up there with him. She's banned from most of my family members houses but my brother agrees with the reasons and it doesn't bother him. Although his whole attitude towards his relationship with her is meh in general anyway he wouldn't care if he went months without seeing her.

I think you need to talk to your son

1/ why has he told you that they are coming as opposed to ask after what happened last time?
2/ you may want a tipple at Christmas but would feel uncomfortable doing this in front of her. This has to be made clear as well as the fact there are areas of the house she isn't allowed in. Like your bedroom or the very back of your kitchen cupboard.
3/ what is his back up plan if it all goes horribly wrong or if she relapsed? Not saying she will but he has to think of some sort of solution in the outer Hebrides. And yes, if it's a b&b solution, he's basically told you they're coming so he pays.
4/ make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate being scared and upset in your own home
5/ tell him if you say yes, you are saying it for him. But it would have been better to have met her somewhere neutral (as suggested beforehand) before he plonked this on you.

Your DS is moving on from being a student to a working man - sometimes that transition is hard. But he has chosen this lady and has stuck with her through sobriety so you need to think about how to deal with this if you don't want to lose him. But I do understand how your home and sanctuary felt destroyed by that one visit. The question is how do you move on from here?

What strikes me about this thread is that if we reversed the genders we would have a whole other thread. It's a tricky one op. I would suck it up for my son and hope that it fizzles out when uni is over.

It's not awful to wish your child's difficult relationship would end. It would be awful if you were actively trying to split them up.

Ds has essentially told you he is spending Christmas with his girlfriend. He knows you won't want that so has given you a choice you either spend christmas weigh both of them or neither.

They have been together a long time and been through a lot, it's natural to spend Christmas together. You have made clear she isn't welcom before this and suspect that ds is putting his foot down an telling you they are a package deal. Which tbh I feel is right. He isn't splitting up with her and is supporting her. That's what a partner should do. I really feel this is him saying 'we are a couple, you need to accept it'.

Any talk from you about how you have to spend Christmas alone will only make him dig his heels in. He is unlikely to say 'oh ok mum I will spend Christmas with you and not my girlfriend'. You are choosing to have Christmas alone, it's a consequence of your choices. You could have chosen any other time in the last two years (since she was sober) to lift the ban on her or visit them.

I do think Christmas isn't the right time but maybe ds feels the right time will never be the right time for you. So he is standing firm.

luc you may have given different advice, but I wouldnt. The deciding factors for me were the persons young age, the fact that they had a problem but faced up to it and sorted it and had been sober for so long.

The gender has nothing to do with it. Tall the other circumstances do.

I think you should be proud of your son, he has shown tremendous strength and commitment, as others have detailed upthread- dealing with alcoholism in a loved one can be mentally and physically draining. Yes she trashed your house and behaved inappropriately, but now sober for two and a half years, writing you apology letters? I would bury the hatchet with her, your son is committed to her. Be proud of them for coming through this together.

From reading your updates I must say that its clear you don't seem to feel comfortable with the idea of your son having a girlfriend full stop. That sort of attitude will lead you down a slippery slope in your relationship with your son. He's not a child anymore, he's making his own decisions and if he decides to stay with this girl for life, she may just remember that she extended a hand to you and asked for forgiveness and you pushed it away.
This may come back to bite you..

I have never forgiven my mil for some of the things she has done (and not apologised for) to her- I deserved it for snatching her son away. But he ALWAYS choses me over her, because he knows his mother is unreasonable.

OP - wanting their relationship to end isn't awful.
but of course, sod's law says they'll be thick as thieves for at least another 2 decades.

I think yabu to want them to break up when you haven't seen this girl for nearly 3 years.
Were you the same at 22 as you were at 18?
I know i wasn't.
Yes she def behaved appallingly, but she has really tried to make amends, what more do you want her to do?
As for treating your son bad, i don't think that is really anything to do with you now, your son has chosen to forgive her.
I can understand you not wanting her in your house but will this create problems for your son?
Will this create problems between the two of you?
I think it's fantastic this girl realised at such a young age that she had a problem and got help for it.
It is a disease. People don't ask for it, want it nor enjoy it.
I think it's time to draw a line under it.
This is clearly a serious relationship for your son. They may well get married. ( a number of my friends met their dps at 18 and are still happy in their 30's).
Harbouring this anger isn't good for you.
She clearly wants to get on with you.
Your son obviously thinks she's a changed person.
Don't judge her atleast till you meet her again.

I would say the same if it was a bloke.

I think you have come on here expecting people to side with you.
Every suggestion that has been made you are refusing or ignoring.
She sounded like she was a nightmare 3 years ago and I would be fuming but after this time and your son is sticking with her it maybe time to soften and give the lass a second chance especially if she has faced up to her problems and got help.

Also, you don't know what cause her to have alcohol problems. Something very traumatic may have happened to her.

I think she may deserve some kindness.

If she screws it up this time, fair enough, but try to open your heart.

Ok - a bit of a left hand suggestion here...

Why not arrange to go and spend Christmas on the mainland - book yourself into a hotel and visit your son/invite him to visit the hotel on Christmas Day. So you are spending time with them, but not in your safe space. That can come later.

'Every suggestion that has been made you are refusing or ignoring.'
I think that's really unfair actually - I have come to it that I need to get on and actually see her again, rather than go on nurturing the pain and dislike. I haven't addressed the B&B suggestion because I honestly couldn't do it for a variety of reasons - nearest one miles away from where we actually live, my son's reaction, and yes - other people's reactions. 'Why is your boy staying in a B&B??!!' etc. It's a small community... I do still think having her over Christmas is too much. I also don't know if she actually wants to come.

I really think the key points here are firstly, that you don't see alcoholism as an illness. Do you have previous experience that has informed that belief???Secondly, you only see your DS's girlfriend as the snippet you saw of her as a drunk teenager. It's almost like you've dehumanised (I know that's a strong word but I can't think of anything more fitting) her to just that one memory. I think perhaps that's a defence mechanism, if you don't see the woman beyond the drink, then you don't have to risk letting her into your life. The thing is, she's already there. She is important to your DS, so somehow, she is going to have to be in your life. ??Having her round for Christmas might seem like too much for you, but I personally think, you're going to have to work towards that if you want to maintain your relationship with your DS.

Well then speak to your son. You may find she doesn't want to come. You may find she is still very embarresed but your son has told her that they are a couple and everyone needs to work to get past it.

Your son may the instigator, but how long do you expect him to keep this up? Having to keep his longterm partner and his mother apart and having to choose who to spend time with at Christmas?

I said that I struggle with seeing it as an illness. I think what gets me is the fact that alcoholics make a lot of terrible choices when they're actually sober, picking up a drink in the first place, stealing money for alcohol, that sort of thing?
Anyway. I do need to speak to ds, but he tends not to be the best at conversations with his mother unfortunately. Maybe an email to start with.

You do realise its a physical addiction, don't you. It's not really a choice they make when they are sober. They are dependent on it. That's why its so difficult to do what she has done.

I would suggest you actually take sometime to look into it. You have a lot of opinions, but really don't know anything about it.

Why is your relationship strained? Why is he unable to have a discussion with you? He obviously cares or he would just tell you he wasn't coming home for Christmas.

What's his relationship with his father like?

I think ds sometimes blames me for the divorce, and for all of the arguments pre-divorce; he saw them as being instigated by me. He gets on well with his father, which I can't help but feel somewhat bitter about when he was the one who cheated on me for years (as I now know.) His father used to drink like a fish, but as far as I know has no actual issue with it.

I have briefly discussed the nature of alcoholism with gf on the phone, but she said she felt unable to explain it properly. That was more than a year ago though.

The issue with addicts is you have to take their word for it, you have no real way to know if she is really dry. People who are addicted to substances can (In my experience) an be very manipulative and deceitful

You've hinted at violence within your home, was this directed at either your son or you?

She may realise how much you dislike her and not wish to discuss it with you.
Not only is addiction physical, it is mental too.
Does it really matter if other people see your ds staying in a b&b?
Who cares??
If it bothers you that much, say you have other people staying over also so there is no room.
Yes parents can have rules, but it can make kids not visit.
My mother never allowed me to share a room with my dp.
It's been 6 years.
We're in our 30's however she won't let us share a bed if we stop over.
She said it'll change when we marry ( not really any intention of getting married).
It means we stay over once a year .

Griphook the violence was mainly directed at inanimate objects, but I know she lashed out at my son's face when he tried to take alcohol away from her.

Start off simply in your email to your son. Explain that for you, your home is your sanctuary and how the incident left you feeling very traumatised, frightened and helpless. You understand and respect the support he has given GF and the strength of character she has shown in recognising her problem and seeking help. You appreciate that she has apologised, although at that stage you were not ready to to fully move on.

You would like to work at building a relationship with the both of them as a couple, but feel that Christmas with you on the Island as a first step this year might be too stressful for all of you because of the associated memories. Then make a couple of suggestions such as you coming over to a hotel near them for Christmas and/or a Spring visit to you when the weather will be better as well. Maybe also mention how difficult this all feels for you and how you will also need some support and understanding through this.

Mend some bridges, don't apportion blame, make it clear how important your relationship with him is to you.

I can absolutely understand that you don't want to see her again after such a horrific experience, but the problem is that if you don't see her you risk losing your son altogether and you really can't have that.

You are judging her now on her past behaviour. It only seems fair for you to judge her on how she is now that she's not drinking.

I agree with the poster who said if the genders were reversed, most people wouldn't welcome a man who'd behaved like that towards their daughter.

Do you know what happened when she stopped drinking? Why was that? What do you know about her parents and family? Does she work?

I don't know that it will be helpful to rehash what happened 3 Christmases ago with your DS by email. To be blunt, you've already said he may blame you for the divorce and you don't find it easy to talk to each other. He also already knows what happened and how you feel about it.

I would start the email from a positive place of 'before we make a decision about Christmas' or 'I haven't decided what I am doing at Christmas yet'
'but I'd like us all to have a chance to meet earlier. What about ???? (insert place) on ???? (insert possible date)'

It doesn't need to be a fraught, emotional email. Your emotions and feelings about what happened 3 years ago aren't up for discussion. What is up for discussion, are the details of where you next meet so I'd make that the content of the email.

Yanbu to feel how you do, If someone was violent to one of my dc's they wouldn't be welcome in my home again. Clean or otherwise, but you then run the risk of alienating your son. So I think you have to let her stay at some point to maintain the relationship with your son, and be as welcoming as you can. Try to treat it as a new begining.

I can understand you hoping the relationship would fizzle out.

ImperialBlether I know that she dropped out of university, but has been working in an admin/PA type role for the past year.
Her parents sound supportive and loving - but odd. Part of some strict religious group, I'm not entirely sure of the details. Bit worrying.

To add to that I also think if the if were an alcoholic boyfriend you would get s slightly different response.