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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DD she doesn't have to do the 11+

197 replies

Reluctantdiary · 14/09/2015 12:27

She is due to take it at the end of this month. We've had a tutor for the last six months for the usual reasons (test format, NVR etc). Tutor says she is fine and has a good chance of getting in.

However...I was just cleaning DD's room and found her diary open under her quilt. And yes I know I shouldn't have looked but I took a quick peek at the page it was open on. She really really REALLY does not want to do the 11+. Lots of stuff about being worried about the test, not passing, letting her dad down (he is the main protagonist behind the test). Also some other stuff about not having any friends there and a horrible bit about not feeling good enough and maybe lying about feeling sick on the day. Then a bit about failing on purpose with a sad face afterwards. She wants to go to the school where her mates are going, which is a good school, not amazing but certainly not a sink school.

So when she gets home i'm going to tell her we are binning the test and she can go to the local school instead. There is no need for her to be worrying and stressing about it at 10 years old when the alternative is fine.

AIBU or am I doing the wrong thing in not telling her to pursue it? I really felt that we had got across to her that it didn't matter either way and that we were proud of her but obviously we haven't.

Also part of me is thinking she left the diary where she knew I would find it?

OP posts:
dolcelatteLover · 14/09/2015 13:19

It its normal to have the 'collywobbles' before a big event , be it an exam, a competition, or interview.She has done all the work for it-pulling her out now would be madness and setting the precedent of copping out of things she is afraid of.You and her dad just need to reiterate that you love her just as much whether she passes or fails.

EnchanciaAnthem · 14/09/2015 13:21

you go to school for the education, but any child destined for a good university/career will get there anyway.

I disagree with this MrsGently, I really lost my way for a while due to my school experience... They were absolutely useless. I eventually did go to back to college and now run my own business, so I got there in the end but my high school experience definitely held me back.

Hoppinggreen · 14/09/2015 13:21

doing the test doesn't mean she has to or even will be able to go to The Grammar school ( assuming it's like where we live). Our DD is doing it because we feel she is able and she wants to have a go. Ultimately we will make the choice about schools once she has the result and we know what all the options are.
Could you try and de stress the whole thing for your DD by telling her that doing the exam does not automatically mean she will be going but that it's just about giving her more options?

CocktailQueen · 14/09/2015 13:22

I'd suggest she takes it anyway - because if she takes it then at least she has a decision to make. If she doesn't then she'll never know how she could have done, and will have no option but the comp for Year 7.

DD wanted to sit the 11+ last year but then changed her mind, as she was worried about leaving her friends. One year on, her best friend has changed school and another v close friend is close no longer. So I think that not sitting the 11+ for friendship reasons is short-sighted - anything can happen with friendship groups. We persuaded our dd to take it - and she passed.

And just reassure her that you love and and she's not a failure, whatever happens.

Twindroops · 14/09/2015 13:22

Another thinking yy to taking the test and deciding afterwards. It sounds like your DD has a very caring supportive mum so I would be confident you will make the right decision for her in the end anyway.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 14/09/2015 13:23

I agree with those who say it's a bad thing to avoid something for fear of failure. Have a good talk to your DD, find out what's really going on (dramatic diary entries are to be expected at 10yo, imo, and aren't necessarily an accurate reflection of her state of mind), and maybe put off choosing a school until after the test.

For what it's worth, I wanted to go to the local school with my friends at 10. I'm heartily glad I didn't. I think you need to take charge at look at the big picture.

ManorGreyhound · 14/09/2015 13:25

Sadly Jeee, the facts disagree with you: passing or failing the 11 plus makes a huge difference to life outcomes...

So many posts on here about people having a miserable life struggling to make ends meet, unable to buy their own homes and living in insecure rentals. I would do everything in my power to prevent my DD being in this situation, and am eternally grateful for my own parents drilling this into me.

Op, This is a pivotal point in her life, I really hope you manage to help her to see this.

ohbollocks2u · 14/09/2015 13:25

Have you visited the school to see whether she likes it or not ?

After visiting our local G school my children hated it

NotYouNaanBread · 14/09/2015 13:26

I would NOT opt her out of the exam now. It would be very confusing for her, even if she is initially relieved.

My parents sent me to the "good but not great" school, and it was shit. I would have been far happier in a more academically nurturing environment, and I was bullied relentlessly for being bookish.

I would change tack with how you are approaching the exam in whatever way is necessary to relax her about it, but she needs to see this through or you are setting her a very bad example.

Ebony69 · 14/09/2015 13:27

I can understand both yours and her father's perspectives as it's clear you both want what's best for her. My child went through anxieties this time last year with the eleven plus but he verbalised his doubts to us. My DH and I considered not entering him but we concluded that the best thing to do was to continue with it because we knew that he was capable, as it seems your DD is. He needed lots of reassurance that we would be proud of him, regardless of the outcome and that we would not define him by whether or not he passed (although of course, they know how important the test is). As it happens, he did very well . I think that , especially given that you're separated from her father, you consult with him before making a decision with your DD to opt out. A failure to do so will result in resentment between you which your DD will inevitably pick up on. I wish your DD all the best, whatever you decide.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 14/09/2015 13:29

EnchanciaAnthem

Yes, but that could have happened anyway, you just don't know. I missed a lot of school, they didn't care much. I managed to get on to a very good uni course (top 10 for my chosen subject), because my grades/application were more than acceptable. Anything can go very right/wrong for you in the school years, you cannot blame any future failures based on what OFSTED grading your school had.

NotDrowning · 14/09/2015 13:29

I haven't been involved with the 11+ system, and neither have my children - so no direct experience. But I would just say that to tell a child who has been tutored for 6 months to pass a test, that it doesn't matter if they pass or fail strikes me as pretty disingenuous. This is not at all the signal your behaviour is sending to her - why should she believe you? I would suggest a more honest form of reassurance, if that's the direction you want to go in.

NotYouNaanBread · 14/09/2015 13:31

I really lost my way for a while due to my school experience

I did as well, despite being very academically able. I was unsupported by teachers, friends etc. and my parents were well-meaning but clueless as to the lack of support in the school. There was not an automatic assumption that we would all go on to 3rd level at all, which is extraordinary now to me, looking back, and the fact that I went back 3 years after finishing school and have two graduate degrees now owes absolutely NOTHING to my secondary school, and everything to going out into the workplace with a secretarial course under my belt and discovering for myself how limited my options were.

KevinAndMe · 14/09/2015 13:33

Surely doing the test doesn't mean she HAS TO go there?

I would really encourage her to do it, have a VERY serious chat with your DH and one or several with your dd about friendship etc...
dc1 has started secondary this year. 1 1/2 week on and he already doesn't have the same friendship group than in Primary so friendship is really not what I would see as the ost important.

What I DO see is the amount of pressure she is under to perform well and go there to please her dad. Now THAT is something that needs addressing with him ASAP.

Oh and I would not let her take that decision. She is too young for that and can not possibly know what the repercusions of going into Grammar/local comp will have. She has no idea how much she might actually enjoy the academic stuff, incl being with people with similar interests and abilities.
Of course, yu do need to take into account her own abilities, her temperament etc but I would hope you had done that before starting that whole process with the 11+ to check that that school is actually suitable/the best one for her.

CatThiefKeith · 14/09/2015 13:33

I have a similar story to EnchanciaAnthem - not me, but my younger sister. She took the test, and passed, and was offered a place at a prestigious grammar school. My parents gave in to her when she wanted to go to the local comp with her friends instead of getting a bus to the grammar.

She also drifted from her primary friends, but fell in with a bad crowd, began smoking, drinking, stealing and skipping school. She ended up working in a fast food place from 16, had her first child and 21 and the second at 22 with a total loser, from whom she has since split.

She resat her GCSE's at 27, then did an access course, and is now at Uni in her first year at 30, but she bitterly regrets not going to grammar in the first place, and blames my parents for giving her the choice. She regularly tells them they are her parents, and should have parented properly at that point.

LemonySmithit · 14/09/2015 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 14/09/2015 13:36

I am really torn on this one, and the ex DH issue probably makes things harder

I think that we all face exams and tests in life, and maybe you need to gently get together and discuss what the fear really is

Fear of failing
Fear of having to attend that school
generalised anxiety
Fear of her father disapproval

sometimes just getting the issue out and on the table can really help her get her head clear

and I agree with those who say do the test, but then she decides

elliejjtiny · 14/09/2015 13:36

If she didn't go to the grammar school, would she go to a comprehensive school or secondary? If comprehensive is an option then I would let her not do the 11+ and go to the comprehensive. If the only alternative option is secondary then I don't know. I went to a secondary school and I think someone who was clever enough to be at grammar school would be bored and frustrated tbh.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 14/09/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh · 14/09/2015 13:42

I know what he will say already, he'll say we are letting her down by not pushing her, you are letting her emotionally bribe you and why would you settle for less than the best if it is available.

She is 10.

What is best depends on your child, what is best for one child might not be best for a sibling or even the same child at a different time.

Your dd gets one childhood, do you want it to be happy?

If she is anxious naturally is she going to worry that she is not at the top of the class?

So many posts on here about people having a miserable life struggling to make ends meet, unable to buy their own homes and living in insecure rentals. I would do everything in my power to prevent my DD being in this situation, and am eternally grateful for my own parents drilling this into me

I have qualifications and experience coming out of my ears. My insecure life and rental are entirely down to me becoming disabled and having to give up my career.

If you don't want that for your child then buying them a house is better than any education.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 14/09/2015 13:43

Another vote for taking thes test just gives her an extra option, but not taking the test closes that option.
I went to the same school as my middle school friends, wasn't friends with any of them by the end of the first term.

Smooshface · 14/09/2015 13:43

I selected all the same Schools as my best friend when we selected. At last moment she changed her mind to a bunch of shitter schools other girls had picked. So first lesson is - don't rely on your friends actually picking or getting the same schools as you!

We then both got into new school that had selective entry but wasn't linked to how academic you were. We were in totally different sides of the year, I basically only saw her when we walked to and from school, her being in my school had basically no impact on my school day. We both made friends and did much better at this school than I could have imagined at one of the local normal schools. However, everyone hated our school, I mean hated, as they all thought it had took local schools funding away from the other schools, despite having sponsorship etc, so we spent our outside life pretending we didn't go to that school!

So if you want her to have a nice social life then clearly bin the 11+. I would personally have a go at it, without too much pressure, then her options are open. Friends do change, and if she is bright she will do well in good school and be around like minded peers, hooray. I wouldn't recommend picking schools based around people, people change, move, leave schools, change class and change their mind. Has she seen round all her options?

TheHouseofMirth · 14/09/2015 13:45

I would encourage her to sit the exam just to keep her options open. Presumably sitting the test does not mean she cannot go to the comprehensive school if that's what she decides in the spring?

G1veMeStrength · 14/09/2015 13:45

OP I really feel for you and your DD.

FWIW DS had a tutor in the run up to 11+ but we all stressed it was about learning extra stuff to school, building blocks for education whatever school you go to, etc etc.

He has just done the test this weekend and feels he tried his best. That's all we've ever asked of him. He knows that whatever result he gets doesn't mean he has to go to any school in particular. (He didn't really like the grammar at open evening.)

I gave him a present this weekend ie a reward for his effort in facing the test. The results are over a month away and I am determined not to really make much fuss over whatever they might be. However I have a feeling DH will probably buy him a new computer game if he 'passes' which I don't ideally want him to do but seems a bit churlish to make an issue of.

BertrandRussell · 14/09/2015 13:48

"You need to 'sell' this to her as being a better chance of good exam results, good university, better shot at career, nicer house/being able to travel/retire well...this is a crucial point in her life and you are copping out by letting her take the path of least resistance."

Do people seriously think this is a good thing to do to a 10 year old? It's complete bollocks, anyway!