Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

Peggy I wouldn't get him to text I know that's what he would do. He'd be furious that we'd been used to cover her tracks and consistently dumped so she could run off and meet married man. Plus the stress on the pregnancy would be another factor. Having been through this I know exactly how much stress and pain it causes.

Given her previous behaviour wouldn't be unrealistic for her to emotionally blackmail the op into keeping quiet. This is going to stress her even more.

Letting her know someone else knows gives the op breathing space.

I don't condone looking through other peoples stuff at all. But I think this is now way past that. And the moral indignation is outweighed by the impact this is going to cause on this family

Peggy - it sounds to me like she's arranging to meet the OP, telling her H that she's meeting the OP, but then cancelling and going to her lover's whilst leaving her H to think she's still meeting the OP.

She's not using OP as cover, she's using "running errands" and cancelling her meetings with OP - yes she is.

Read the OP. The mum arranges to turn up at the swimming pool to meet her DD and DG then cancels at the last minute, presumably to meet the lover.

That is using the OP as cover.

I don't think you had a right to do this to your mum. She's an adult and shouldn't be forced into any course if action by her grown up child. Relationships break down, change etc, irrespective of having children together. I understand your anger but I'm not sure you've behaved appropriately either.

Really cannot believe the whole 'you shouldn't have snooped, leave your poor grown up mum alone to her life' comments.

It's not that difficult to accidentally find out about an affair. Close family members wouldn't just 'snoop' through a phone, but they may pick it up when it pings, just to take it to that person (I do, my partner often leaves his phone everywhere but next to him, and it could be important). It only takes a flash of information to realise there's something 'going on'.

As for the OPs reaction - wouldn't any of you be shocked/angry/disgusted by a family member doing this? I highly doubt any of you would look at your parent/sibling or child and say 'ah well, your life, my fault for finding out about it. Carry on, I'll just forget it'. Even if you could, put yourself in the OPs dad/the wife's position. They're been taken as fools, shouldn't someone fight their corner? This type of thing always ends up hurting someone, I don't think it's unfair for adults to be pulled up on shitty behaviour, parents or not.

No. Phone = communication device.

Which in this particular case it did very well at.

Surely first rule of adultery: hide phone.

Yes don't blame all this on the other man. That's irrelevant and isn't worth considering.
Talk to your mum, and your own dp. Until you know where your mums is emotionally, then you are in limbo. Depending on what she says, then is the time whether to tell your dad or not. Ditto your siblings.

TSSDNCOP - you just commented on procedure!

Yeah she's an adult so she can do what she wants but she can't expect there to be no consequences to having an extra marital affair. Sure op shouldn't have texted but it's not a surprising reaction to all this lying and pain

God this thread is getting weird.
I'm trying to imagine in what universe it would be OK for my DH to send veiled threats to my mother by text and for me to think that's acceptable. Horrid.
OP now that you know you are just going to have to meet your mum somewhere neutral and talk about how you are both going to deal with it. You really shouldn't have looked through your mum's phone. I don't think anything good ever comes from snooping.

Darn it .

WWAFD?

Why would your mother talk to you about it? It's nothing to do with you - your mother is allowed her own life, she is an adult and can do what she wants.

She really can't do what she wants. She has responsibilities to her husband and family. Those include not screwing around and lying to them.

OP I hope the ducks help. Talk to your husband.

Mrs gently - how do you know the father doesn't know about this? Why should her parents be forced to tell their family about their setup? Sex lives are private and nothing to do with anyone apart from the people involved.

phone/diary
lock it if you want it to stay private
Many people have absolutely no compunction about rifling through your 'device' be it digital or analog and will then feel entitled to disseminate the information contained therein
??

What a dreadful way of finding out your mum isn't who you thought she was.
I'm not sure I'd have read all the messages - I'd have probably seen the first line and then thrown the phone at her and said she had a message and then flounced out of the room/house.
I feel sorry for you and your poor old dad.

If she had to use a cover I feel sorry for her having such little freedom for years and having to justify every movement to her husband.

peggyundercrackers - it seems obvious from the op that the other person's wife doesn't know, so that's certainly one person being taken for a mug. Hope they don't have kids as well, as it will be nasty shock for them to find out Daddy is a liar and a cheat.

Poor OP. She did something on the spur of the moment when confronted with an unexpected event. She did not pick up the phone and read her mother's texts for the hell of it. There was a message, she saw it, she probably wishes she hadn't. Then she acted on instinct and impulse. If she had had time to plan the whole scenario, she would probably have resolved to act differently. But she didn't. Now she knows something that will be difficult to deal with. She needs to talk to her mother, properly and openly. I assume that she loves her mother and her father. The dynamics of their relationship have been changed forever. That is a big deal and OP needs to take time to consider the implications and her feelings.

Thank you everyone for your messages, bit difficult to catch up with them while on the move but I'm trying!

I've received a text but to be honest it's just made me feel worse.

'I'm sorry Happy but I can't help who I love. It's wrong but I can't leave you know how ill your father is.'

I haven't replied. What am I supposed to say to that? I feel angry. She has always drilled in to us if you don't love someone you leave, you never cheat and lie.

I just feel really sad for Dad.

I haven't told Dp yet, he's still at work until three, but I will when he gets home.

Just trying not to get stressed out too much, I don't have easy going successful pregnancies anyway. So was feeling anxious before this even happened.

The ducks and dd are helping.

DM is an adulterer.
DM is lying frequently to her husband, who's in bad health but anxious about her.
DM is using her child and grandchild as cover for her adultery.y
DM is using another woman's house to have sex.

But the OP is the bad guy.

I can't see it.

If she had to use a cover I feel sorry for her having such little freedom for years and having to justify every movement to her husband.

No its called covering your back so you don't have to justify your questionable morals!

Leghoul my Mum has definitely never been beholden to my father!

She just used to do a lot of stuff with all of the family. The only difference had not been her going out it has been the last minute cancelling or just not showing up that was so out of character.

I really must put my phone down now. Must look like an awful mother!

If she had to use a cover I feel sorry for her having such little freedom for years and having to justify every movement to her husband.

You are actually kidding!

Because she's been using her daughter to cover up for meeting her lover this means she's had to justify every movement to her husband.

Because of course if she said 'darling just off to shag John, back later, there's sausages for tea' he'd wave her off with a smile.

I'm sorry Happy but I can't help who I love. It's wrong but I can't leave you know how ill your father is.'

So the OPS dad doesn't know

All of those defending the mothers right to do what she wants, still think it is ok to wreck others lives?

Sorry OP, my message wasn't well timed to follow yours.

Have you got a friend that you can unload on?

Turn your own phone off for a bit. It'll stress you out even more to read her self serving texts.