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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 12/09/2015 10:00

Tell whoever you like. You aren't the keeper of other people's dirty secrets.

You've told your mum that you know. If she totally blanks all this then you cannot possibly go on holiday with them.

I have very tricky parents too and despite my adult status (I'm in my forties) I have to continually remind myself to step back, leave them to it, only give advice if asked etc.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 10:03

I totally understand what you did. My mother wasn't married when I was child, but she did have relationships with married men (she told me about one, found out about another the same way you did). Yes, adults are entitled to a personal life, but it affects more than just the two involved when it's an affair! This isn't a silly friend, it's your mum doing something that could ruin your family. The man is going to break his wife's heart, give her serious trust issues if/when it comes out. Children, however old they are, will lose respect for their parents - I know I did. So, those saying it's her mum's 'private life', not that bloody simple is it? I think the op did well not to let on how much she had seen, and is dealing with it in a very calm way. Especially since her mum has come across so wholesome her whole life, must have been a shock, whatever the back story to it all.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 10:04

none of your business OP
intruding into your parents private lives is likely to make things worse for everyone

Id never rifle through someones phone...I'd not want to be burdened with someone else's secrets

peggyundercrackers · 12/09/2015 10:07

Why would your mother talk to you about it? It's nothing to do with you - your mother is allowed her own life, she is an adult and can do what she wants.

Yes you could have ignored the phone buzzing - you didn't need to pick up someone else's phone and read their personal messages.

Are you going to blackmail and threaten your mother - that if she's doesn't tell your dad then you will? Does that make you any better than her?

BastardGoDarkly · 12/09/2015 10:07

Blimey. She probably just needs time to think, but you do need to talk to her further about it. This holiday will be a nightmare if this isn't resolved

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 10:08

You aren't the keeper of other people's dirty secrets

you are if you snooped
if you searched out and read a private diary would it be fine to blab the contents to other people?

browneyedgirl86 · 12/09/2015 10:08

Good luck op!

What a shock this would have been. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes.

TSSDNCOP · 12/09/2015 10:09

I would have done the same as you with bells on.

She's a cheat, she's been caught. Tough shit.

Best thing she can do now is knock it off with the OM, the sneaking and cheating. An added bonus is that she might also climb down off her moral high horse as well.

Ducks are good for the soul. You can't be angry near a duck. Enjoy.

I did like the "what would Anyfucker do" line.

ohtheholidays · 12/09/2015 10:10

I can't imagine how your feeling or coping OP,but I am sure I would have done the same,I think you've done really well to hold it all in.

Have you spoke to your partner,if so what does he think you should do?Hope your okay.

Learningtoletgo · 12/09/2015 10:11

I would get home after the ducks. Have a long talk with your DH and discuss what to do next. He may have a good perspective on what to do next as he is slightly removed from the situation.

Knowing my DH he would probably text my mum and say ' I'm concerned about the position that my wife's been put in by your actions and the impact on her health. Therefore do not do anything to place extra stress upon her or use my family as an excuse for your choices'.

This might be a bit caveman but it will do the following:

Let her know he knows.
Let her know you are no longer her cover story.
Give her a warning not to stress you out as someone else is watching.

TheTigerIsOut · 12/09/2015 10:11

FGS Peggy, what makes you think that she is going to blackmail and threaten her mother? She is in shock and has not expressed any single comment about getting back at her mum.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/09/2015 10:13

gosh OP, what a shock for you.

Do you still want to go on the holiday? who's going? could you make 'really bad morning sickness' an excuse not to go, with the full support of your DP (he needs to know, because there is a chance of YOU being not yourself and he will be wondering what's up - you will also need his support if this all blows up)

MorrisZapp · 12/09/2015 10:13

Fair point Suzanne.

peggyundercrackers · 12/09/2015 10:15

Thetigerisout - that's what other people are suggesting she does - why would anyone do that? She isn't her mothers keeper...

Learningtoletgo - really you would get your dh to text? I think you would get a text back saying keep your nose out, don't pick up my phone again and don't read my personal messages again.

Her mothered is the one who should be outraged.

Learningtoletgo · 12/09/2015 10:16

Disagree Suzanne.

She's been using the OP as a cover for meeting her married man. Hardly keeping her private life separate.

Shutthatdoor · 12/09/2015 10:18

Her mothered is the one who should be outraged

You seriously think the mother us the innocent party in all this!?

Shutthatdoor · 12/09/2015 10:18

She's been using the OP as a cover for meeting her married man. Hardly keeping her private life separate.

Exactly

PHANTOMnamechanger · 12/09/2015 10:18

I think what learning says her DH would do, is a great idea.

Not aggressive, blaming etc, just a statement of the facts and making it clear that you are not going to cover for her or put up with any emotional stress.

TSSDNCOP · 12/09/2015 10:19

It's not a diary it's a phone. They light up and have the message on display, which, if it's on top of a basket of washing you're carrying,is going to be right under your nose.

Perhaps we can argue she shouldn't have read the rest, but she's done it and I can honestly say I would have done exactly the same. I would have been far less discreet in my handling of the DM though. In that I think the OP did a great job.

Home to DP now. Let DM stew in her own juice. She needs to sort her own mess out now.

msrisotto · 12/09/2015 10:19

It's no one's business if someone is cheating on their spouse? It's certainly the business of the immediate family which op and her dad are! It directly bloody affects them!

peggyundercrackers · 12/09/2015 10:20

She's not using OP as cover, she's using "running errands" and cancelling her meetings with OP.

RainbowFlutterby · 12/09/2015 10:21

Yes, being used as cover does make this situation the OP's business.

msrisotto · 12/09/2015 10:22

You obviously have a vested interest in defending this woman's behaviour

peggyundercrackers · 12/09/2015 10:23

shutthwtdoor nope I'm not saying she is innocent I am saying she deserves privacy as all adults do. And if YOU go snooping don't be surprised if you find something you don't like. Her mother is an adult and can do what she wants.

suzannefollowmyvan · 12/09/2015 10:23

phone = modern day diary

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