Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

Completely disagree with people saying you were wrong. I probably wouldn't have sent a text back BUT who knows what you would do in the heat of the moment?! and as for reading the texts ,if I saw the first line of a text like that then I too would be reading it. but then again, my mum and I are close and she will often ask me to send a text for her, I also have her fb password. never use it as I have no reason to. but it helps when she needs some help with it. I think it's got to be expected that if a family member sees that text then questions are going to be asked. she should have had a lock on her phone if she wanted to cover up

Just hoping op hasn't been strangled and buried in the back garden to keep this secret..

Well that was...

She didn't say anything! I started off with 'Mum your phone buzzed. I picked it up and put it on the dirty washing basket to bring down to you and I saw the first line of the text message'

She didn't say anything so then I told her that I then looked at her messages. I told her what I'd texted.

She just said 'mmmm'. Shot me a filthy look and went back inside.

Now we are sat in the living room and everything is as normal. She's chattering on about what she needs to but before the holiday. Well except for this is unbelievably awkward for me. Dads asked me if I'm ok as I look white apparently. I've told him it's just the morning sickness.

For those pointing it out, trust me. I'm well aware I should not have looked and acted badly.

But I wasn't snooping at first. The text was right in front of my face. I couldn't/ didn't read it, shrug my shoulders and walk off. Maybe I should have.

It was such a strong emotional reaction. I wasn't thinking clearly.

And no. I'm generally not rude or privacy invading.

Yanbu. I wouldn't tell your father though. No good can come of it. Hopefully this is the wake up call your mother needs to sort herself out.

Does she get much help with your father, is this affecting her emotionally a lot? Maybe a dirty bit on the side is her way of escaping reality for a bit.

I feel for you beet.

When I was a young teenager I found out my mum had been screwing one of the married teachers at my school what made it worse was the lies she told afterwards, getting angry with me for finding out, trying to make me feel sorry for her/him. I was so confused, angry and lonely.

I had to have counselling and tbh it still effects me to this day. I find trust very hard.

I know exactly what you are feeling.

Well I would be telling mu dad now

I understand why you did it.

Your mum has been either making arrangements with you and then dumping you the instant he is free or using you as a smoke screen to go shag another man. Which makes you feel used, let down and hurts.

Alternatively your dad may think you were colluding with her if he finds out. Which may affect your relationship with him.

She has also been cheating on your dad. Which of course damages your family and hurts you.

Finally she has spent years beating you with her moral virtue over everything you have done wrong. You have looked up to her and are now again angry and also hurt at her hypocrisy.

You shouldn't have done it however don't be made to feel bad for your feelings.

It goes to show how affairs don't just affect a spouse.

What the hell happens now?

I think I'm going to have to tell Dp or I might burst!

Magoria you've hit the nail on the head, that's exactly how I feel!

I just keep thinking of all the times she's just not turned up to something or cancelled last minute. I feel awful thinking Me and dd were the 'cover story'

Also for the posters who found out about this at a younger age.

I obviously wasn't mature enough to deal with it and I'm 28!

How awful. Can you confide in your siblings?

As in all situations involving affairs you should ask yourself the question

"What would AnyFucker do?"

Even if OP's dad does know and is turning a blind eye her mum's lover is cheating on his own wife and surely deserves to be hauled over the coals for that.

OP, I'd have done the same as you. Sadly I have no helpful advice though.

X post sorry.

Well done for being so brave.

Your mum sounds brutal shooting you filthy looks and then carrying on as usual.

Can you leave? Your babies health is not worth the stress this or the break will cause you.

Make up feeling really rough to go home.

I'd make an excuse to get out of the house. I'd also be making it very clear that if your mum doesn't tell your dad, you will. I'd also make very clear that using you as an excuse was not on.

I think I'd also be rethinking the holiday. So sorry OP.

My advice from experience is to tell someone. In this case your DH.

A secret is a huge psychological burden and start to effect you mentally and physically. In your condition you dont need that.

It will also stop any gas lighting if she knows you DH knows and maybe make her face up to things rather than sweeping it under the carpet.

Did you keep his number? Do you know who he is?

I'm just upstairs now getting mine and dds stuff together.

We were supposed to be spending the day here but I'm going to take her down town and the park. Watching dd crack up over the ducks should be enough to to clear my head.

I just feel a bit empty at the minute. I not sure if I want to put any of this on my siblings, I don't even want to be feeling like this!

I just wished she'd said something. I'm trying to consolidate the image of my mum I've had for the last 28 years in to what I've found out. It's just not jelling together at all. Two completely different women.

Not even the decency to apologise? That would be it for me, I'd be telling DF then getting the fuck out of there.

I think I will have to tell Dp. He's a fantastic support.

I didn't keep his number all I know is his name is under 'Anne' in mums phone and that he has a wife.

Right well I'm off out. Maybe I should try calling her on the phone when I'm out? Do you think she'd be more likely to talk to me or should I just leave it?

Ok, the big question is what to do now that she knows you know and doesn't seem even slightly apologetic about it.

I think you shouldn't tell your dad, if he is not well this will be too much for him. But tell your husband and accept that you need to give your mother a wide berth until you feel less affronted at being used in such way.

My mother never had an affair, but she is such a righteous judgemental person that it is years since I am having a very basic and just civil relationship with her. It's working well, I don't expect anything, we don't clash and as a bonus I spend so much time talking to my dad, that our relationship is much better than ever was.

It may be that your mum try to mend things, it may not, but it is ok to feel angry and disappointed and to give yourself some space to deal with what has happened.

Well now you know and your Mum knows that you know I think you need to find an opportunity to sit down together just the two of you and discuss it before you do anything else.
Obviously you can't have that converstaion while you are in the house with dc and your dad.
You are in shock at the moment, and feeling very angry, which is completely understandable - but I do think your Mum deserves to have the opportunity to explain to you exactly what has been going on and why.

I'd have seen the red mist & done the same.

Yes confide in your partner.

Your silly, silly mum knows it's not a secret now - so will hopefully stop what she's doing. I wouldn't rush to tell your father yet.

Once you've left, and she can get away from your Dad, she'll be contacting you to talk. She clearly doesn't want it to blow up infront of your Dad, which may be a good thing?

Think hard about not getting your siblings involved, you need support, and you know they'll feel pretty much as you do. Not saying you should, but I think you should certainly consider it.

Enjoy the ducks!

As for the Mum not apologising - she is probably in shock about it too and needs time to think through the implications.

If DF is in ill-health I would not tell him without a lot of thought and preparation. Certainly not something to do in the heat of the moment. You need to have a talk to your mum when you have had time to process everything. Talk to your DH?? you need advice from someone who actually knows you and your Ps.

Sorry you're going through this. I went through similar when I found out a member of my family was having an affair.

I'm sorry to say the emotional fall out was awful, and lasted over a year. So steel yourself for some difficult times ahead.

You need to talk to your Mum properly, find out her side of the story. Discuss what she intends to do about it. Do you have any siblings? Talk to them, or anyone who is close to you - you need support, this is going to be difficult for you as well as for your parents.

I'm afraid you can't blame this man for making your Mother behave badly. She is doing that all by herself, he hasn't created her personality, she has. I had a terrible time coming to terms with the realization that my family member who I looked up to was actually incredibly selfish, and would shit on anyone to get what they wanted.

I would highly recommend posting in Relationships - there are some very wise people on there with lots of experience in this kind of thing. You will get immense support and advice there.

As for what you did - well it's done now. Don't worry about it. I hope he nearly shat himself when he read your text. I wouldn't recommend doing it again, but don't worry about it any longer.