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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Worriedrellie · 15/09/2015 07:35

Very well said Miscellaneous.

I have seen some of the best and worst in people when their loved ones are ill or need help. My Aunt had cancer and her DH didn't want to know. My mother took her into our home and nursed her on and off for 10 years of gruelling treatment. On of my friends had great cancer and her DH was brilliant in helping and supporting her. It's true that you know who your real friends are when something horrible happens to you.

I think affairs are horrible but I think they are particularly despicable when the injured party is ill or pregnant. There is no greater narcissism than this.

Worriedrellie · 15/09/2015 07:35

OMG, not great cancer but breast cancer. Bloody spellcheck.
I am mortified!!!

dolcelatteLover · 15/09/2015 07:57

Haven't read the full thread , but the op is bang out of order interfering in her mothers life. Who the fuck does she think she is?

Learningtoletgo · 15/09/2015 08:05

I think that's been done to death Dolce. Suggest you RTFT.

How are you beet? Starting to worry a little bit. Been through the stress related pregnancy issues and am hoping all is okay as its such early days Blush

dolcelatteLover · 15/09/2015 08:09

You may not have a life,but Icertainly haven't time to waster reading 24 pages!

Fairenuff · 15/09/2015 08:17

Well, at least you posted a considered opinion, taking everything into consideration.

Oh, wait, no you didn't Grin

SlightlyAshamed1 · 15/09/2015 08:19

dolcelattelover - if you don't read the thread you risk sounding really, really, really, really stupid.

Twunk · 15/09/2015 08:22

Don't want to read the thread, but don't let that stop you laying into the OP dolcelattelover. Hmm

YellowDinosaur · 15/09/2015 08:22

Dolce, if you can't even be arsed to read what the op has to say I don't know why you think she should give one tiny shiny shit what you think? Hmm

YellowDinosaur · 15/09/2015 08:23

Crossposted slightly... I'm saying that risk didn't pay off Wink

Learningtoletgo · 15/09/2015 08:25

Yeah, you're very important Dolce with your busy life.

Biscuit
lushilaoshi · 15/09/2015 08:35

Rod off Dolce. Who the fuck do you think you are?

Toooldtobearsed · 15/09/2015 08:37

Unbelievably stupid.........

Beet, I think you are in a horribly crap situation and I just cannot see a solution that makes everyone happy.
I have tried putting myself in your shoes and thought that if it ever happened to me I would do the following;

  • Meet my mum, face to face and tell her that I would not be her cover from now on and that every meet up planned that was cancelled, for whatever reason, I would be phoning home and checking that she was okay. If dad answered, I would tell him of cancellation.
  • I would want her promise that this affair was over, with the agreement that if she assured me it was, I would not tell dad, but would make it clear that this was to protect him, not mum.
  • I would advise her to give me a wide berth for the coming weeks and months and allow me to make the overtures. As for holiday, that I would prefer her to not be there at all, but, as all trust has gone would fear she would use that time to chase down errant lover, so would request that she be there, but have only polite conversation with me.
  • I would finish by telling her that I am horrified by her behaviour and would never feel the same about her again. That I love her, but do not like her at the moment and that trust would take a long time to rebuild.

I would NOT allow her to engage in any conversation at this meeting - she is there to listen.

I would then write a long letter to my dad, outlining the whole sordid mess, how I felt, and why I did not tell him. I would lock that letter away for future use, should the truth ever come out and your dad felt let down by your not telling him.

I would go on holiday, but concentrate on dad - make excuses, say 'we are going out for the day dad, mum has a headache and needs a snooze, come on - just you and us' type of thing.

Sit situation, I probably would have a shit way of dealing with it, but I would hope that my way of dealing with it would protect the most vulnerable - your dad and you

Take care Flowers

Rozalia · 15/09/2015 08:39

My DM had breast cancer and my DF looked after her at home until her last few days, when he simply couldn't manage. She died in his arms while he comforted her, told her he was there and loved her and not to be afraid.

My STBXH however, has sat at the bedside of our very ill son, persuading the nurses to take his blood pressure and discuss his health. He also used the time our newborn DGS was in neonatal ICU as the perfect opportunity to shag the OW. He knew I was otherwise engaged.

You can learn a lot about a person by how they treat an ill "loved" one.

dolcelatteLover · 15/09/2015 08:51

I read the Op and I am answering that.If there are later salient details, then she should have included it in the OP and not drip fed.

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2015 09:04

I don't think you can call updates over 24 pages or so drip feeding, don't be so nasty Dolce.

Gatekeeper · 15/09/2015 09:05

Dolcelatte events have progressed and more things have come to light- op is NOT drip feeding but continually finding stuff out

You are not coming across here very well; the op knows who she is and what she has done and it doesn't help with your aggressive tone

SlightlyAshamed1 · 15/09/2015 09:07

dolcelattelover - other events have happened since the start of the thread. That is real life. After all it's been going on three days and stuff happens, it's the sort of situation where things do go in strange directions.

It's okay to not read a long thread, but sometimes you miss stuff that hasn't been covered in the OP and so a post just on that in a long thread can look a bit limp.

NotSoHappyBeet · 15/09/2015 09:07

Morning all,

I still haven't spoken to Mum alone but both her and Dad visited yesterday. She seemed to be going out of her way to be how she was before with Dad. Very loving etc.

Though it was very hard to watch my Dad looked happier than he has for a while so there was a small silver lining. I just felt a bit sick inside though.

My own feelings towards Mum are still very much a mixed bag.

To be completely honest (and I know this probably sounds selfish) I've just been trying to forget it all for the moment.

Thank you for asking about the pregnancy. I've had some spotting which isn't too worrying at the moment, or at all unusual for me but EPU has booked me in for another scan on Thursday so fingers crossed.

var123 · 15/09/2015 09:09

yet, dolcelatteLover , here you are dripping feeding us with more of your obnoxious views. Hypocrite?

SlightlyAshamed1 · 15/09/2015 09:10

Beet - perhaps it is as well just to forget about it, and keep your distance from your mum. Take care of yourself and your pregnancy.

WhatamessIgotinto · 15/09/2015 09:17

Dolce slow handclap for making yourself look so utterly ridiculous.

Hope things start to get easier Beet, your situation is impossible.

Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2015 09:23

Beet how are you feeling today?

dolcelatteLover it is not that the OP has drip fed it is that things have moved on since her initial discovery.

Toooldtobearsed of course you are entitled to how you would deal with the situation, if it happened to you. But just to put the other side, from someone who has not been in this position...

once my initial anger and revulsion began to subside I would want to work out what would be the best way forward for the injured party (my dad, not me). Although I have would have been monumentally hurt by it all it is the dad's marriage that is at stake, not the OP's and it is really not for the OP to dictate how things should work out.

Yes, having an affair when her husband was ill was despicable, yes, using the OP as cover was despicable, yes, lying constantly to try and cover her back was despicable, and yes, being rude and horrible to her daughter when she was found out was despicable ... but the OP's mum is a grown woman and she is entitled to make decisions about what she does - these may be awful hurtful things and of course she may face the brunt of the consequences from those actions... but again... she will not be the only one facing them, there are wider ramifications, and the OP might decide she wants to tell her dad, or not, based on what she feels is best for her dad.

I think some people are confusing who has been cuckolded here, it is not the OP it is her dad, so his feelings are going to need to be taken into consideration, not what people feel if they were in his shoes. I know the OP is thinking about her dad and what is right for him, but we never fully know do we.

IMHO phrases to the mother like I would NOT allow her to engage in any conversation at this meeting - she is there to listen. suggest that the daughter will be the one to know how to handle all this and how it should proceed and that she is somehow in charge of how this sordid affair pans out. I don't think that helps the OP, if anything it will just rile her up to feel as if she should be shouting the odds.

Rozalia I am so very sorry for you, your STBXH acted so appallingly what an utter shit.

I think that illness and sickness can make people behave in strange ways but then I also think, and I would say this applies to your STBXH in bucket loads, Rozalia - some people simply use illness as a cover to do what they bloody well like. It is not always easy to know people's motives and why they acted the way they did/do. not on here because we only get one person's side of the story and even they may not have the full picture!

For example we know the mum has lied to her dd already, or tried to, to hide the story. Also sometimes we never quite know ourselves what has motivated us and sometimes talking about it can bring things to the surface and help to explain the situation (not in ways that excuse the behaviour but in ways that explain it). I am thinking here of the OP not of the examples Rozalia gave. So suggesting the mum just shut up and listen while the daughter lays down the law seems to miss an opportunity to at least understand why this woman who has been very moral, and very morally judgemental, for so long has suddenly had an affair.

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2015 09:24

Beet - this isn't a situation that can be resolved easily or soon, so I would just try to forget any contact with your Mum for a few days and rest and take care of yourself. Good luck with your scan x

Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2015 09:29

oopse beet cross posted with you and others.

*Beet( I had spotting with dd and she is fie and well (well off school today but you know what I mean) she is laying down the law and wanting a chicken coop, so you know spotting doesn't necessarily mean anything BUT do look after yourself.

I do think it is wise to look after yourself. I also think it is wise to give yourself some distance from your mum.

The fact she is loving and nice with your dad is great. Whatever is going on in her heart or mind at this moment it doesn't wipe out years and years of married life and family. Affairs are presumably exciting and all but this man has maybe shown his true cowardly colours and your mum might even feel a sense of relief someone knows.

Look after you and leave the door open for a chat with your mum when you are ready.