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Original poster

Shit, I text my Mums lover.

639 replies

HappyBeet86 · 12/09/2015 08:53

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 13/09/2015 22:07

sorry - made to tell her husband,

lotsoffunandgames · 13/09/2015 22:11

Funinthesun don't twist what I wrote.
No it doesn't give her mum a free reign to do what she wants.if she stops the affair then why not try slowly to rebuild a relationship? Maybe she will realise what she has and appreciate her husband more and want to stay together. Ideally she would tell him on her own anyway.
Only op knows her dad's health-could he handle it if he knew? Obviously if her mum continues the affair then yes the dad needs to know. Either way, space for a week will give her mum time to figure out her priorities and op time to think about what she needs to do.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 13/09/2015 22:21

I didn't mean to suggest the 'you only get one mum' line came from yourself, Italian, I'm sorry if it did. I personally hate that line, very dissmisive of those who, unlike yourself, didn't have parents they could look up to. I think that's the main problem here - when a parent breaks your trust, respect and ultimately your heart, it's a bit like watching a superhero fail. Being an adult means understanding another adult, whoever they are, can make mistakes. But my goodness, when it's someone you love so much, it's so difficult not to be a bit devastated, almost like you wonder if you ever knew them.

Of course, as long as the op understands this is not her doing, and it will eventually get better, that's all that matters. Having a healthy baby, and hoping her dad makes a swift recovery, that's the priority here. Everything else is in her mum's court, but I truly hope at least the lying will stop. That's a very bad habit to get into, and no one, even a loving daughter, can only put up with so much of that.

Italiangreyhound · 13/09/2015 22:34

Gently I totally agree, especially about the lying, it is very sad, and it makes it hard to move forwards.

LUKYMUM · 13/09/2015 22:49

OP I'm sorry for everything you've found out and been through. I think your mum lying after you've found out makes it sting so much more. But ..........
I do think you're being very harsh. People make mistakes and until you've been in their shoes you can't understand. If she's been a good mum to you and you've had a good relationship, it would be such a pity to lose it completely.
Give yourself some time. Flowers

Baconyum · 13/09/2015 23:14

Just to clarify as I think I wasn't clear, I wasn't meaning the OP should analyse what her mum said when she asked what she should do as she knows her mum and is familiar with her tone of voice etc. But that when we see things written down we as readers of the thread cant necessarily understand how it was meant.

While I appreciate the dad is ill I think the holiday sounds tricky to go ahead for both father and daughter. Dad might get more of an inkling of what's been going on and op has her own health to consider and this sounds very stressful considering what's going on.

Italiangreyhound · 13/09/2015 23:27

Night, night Beet, we are all rooting for you! Sleep well if you can. xx

Excited101 · 14/09/2015 00:12

Thinking of you Flowers

Spartans · 14/09/2015 08:45

Grunt - I agree with you 100%. Some peoples' posts have really sickened me and you are so right about how different it would be if it was a man doing the cheating on his ill wife.

It's so wrong. There would be no sympathy for him having the stress of looking after an ill wife or claims of 'it's not really hurting anyone'.

People who say affairs don't hurt anyone, until they are found out, are correct. But 99% of the time they are found out. The people having the affair know this and still doing it.

It's like saying carers stealing from old people don't hurt anyone. The old person doesn't know and still has their caring needs met. The family don't know an are happy their relative has such a lovely carer, no idea they are being ripped off. It's still wrong!

If the affair wasn't wrong the OPs mother wouldn't be trying to hide it from her dh and try and convince the OP it isn't an affair.

Personally if I wantes to do something, but would need to hide it from dh and the kids....I wouldn't do it.

Rozalia · 14/09/2015 08:57

No one gets hurt during the affair......its when the affair gets found out that it hurts and boy does it fucking hurt.

I was horribly hurt by my STBXH's affair, long before I found out what was going on. The sudden distance and coldness, the unkindness, flare ups of temper when he felt stressed by the situation, withholding of affection, my awareness something was very wrong but his constant denials, the lying.

OP's DF has noticed a change in his wife's behaviour and could well feel puzzled and hurt.

Hope you managed to sleep ok OP Thanks. Wishing you well for the future.

Ohfourfoxache · 14/09/2015 09:10

Beet I've got no advice I'm afraid, but please know that I'm thinking of you (I'm sure a great many others are too) x

Learningtoletgo · 14/09/2015 09:17

How are you doing this morning Beet?

Stay well and be kind to yourself. Take it all at your own pace so you can make your own decisions.

I've been thinking about the holiday problem. To add another perspective, what if you go to please your dad and the stress is just too much and it all blows up anyway? Your mum's going to be on pins and needles with you and your DH, could be a powder keg situation and cause more damage in the long run. Your dad will be disappointed but he will be fine.

Better to postpone than risk your health and the potential to repair the relationship with your mum long term? Forcing a stressful potentially volatile situation could have long term consequences.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2015 09:30

Rozalia

You are right of course, I was the same when my husband was cheating. THe paranoia, the knowledge that something was wrong but no proof, the constant rejection for no reason......

I was just trying to highlight the idea that the real fall out comes when they are discovered, as they often are.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2015 09:31

And of course the irony is that often the person who feels hurt the most is the cheater! "But why wont you forgive me?!"

Wtfmummy · 14/09/2015 10:23

Oh crikey, what a horrible situation to be in. I'm afraid I don't have any valuable advice but would just suggest you take some real time and space to digest this. And under no circumstances accept any blame or guilt. This is not your doing. Your mum is 100% responsible.

Hope you are ok - put yourself and your baby first x

rainbowstardrops · 14/09/2015 13:04

How are things today Beet?

NotSoHappyBeet · 14/09/2015 13:08

Thank you,

It was a bit of a rough night but I tend to get a touch of insomnia when pregnant anyway.

It's all been quite quiet and relaxed around here, haven't had any further contact from mum.

Still unsure on the holiday. I just feel like my Dad shouldn't miss out.

WhitePhantom · 14/09/2015 13:46

So sorry for the situation you've found yourself in Beet. I know if I saw a text like that I'd have looked further too, but I don't think I would have handled the aftermath as well as you have.

Re. the holiday, is there any way your mum could be the one to stay at home under some pretext or other? Let you, your dad and your lo have time together without you trying to keep up appearances?

var123 · 14/09/2015 14:19

You either go on holiday, or you don't.

If you don't go, you need a reasonable excuse to explain why you aren't going, without making him worried/ suspicious. Or tell your Dad the truth.

If you do go, then you need to be able to enjoy it, or at least pretend to enjoy it, and let your Dad have a good time too. That will be tough, unless you can find a way to feel better about your mum before you start packing.

I think the really horrible thing that's happened to you, is you've discovered a whole side to your mum that you had no idea existed - the selfish, abusive person. Now that things have gone quiet, you have to ask what she's doing or saying now? Is she telling people things - that may be untrue - that will mean you won't be believed even if you do reveal what you know?

Or is she trying to work out how to properly fix the mess she's made?

None of this is your fault, OP. Personally, I'd be telling my siblings because one way or another, at least one of your parents is going to need a lot of support very soon.

Rozalia · 14/09/2015 17:51

Bogeyface no criticism of you meant. I have a lot of respect for what you post.

cremeeggboycotter · 14/09/2015 18:43

Op it won't be much of a holiday for you or your dad. Maybe delay it until you are sure what you want to do? Your dad knows you've been ill, he thought you looking very poorly the other day was because of your pregnancy since he has no clue about this so saying you're not feeling at all well won't be a surprise. It may be worth holding it off, the stress is no good for any of you.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/09/2015 22:00

I wonder if people actually realise how hurtful it is to be using the OPs ill health as an excuse for adultery.

It's mindboggling that although the OP has said clearly that the mother is not looking after someone who's incapable of most/ any daily tasks.

Yet, that old worn out trope of partner gets ill = they get demoted to worthless drain on everyone around them.

The OP has said her dad can do most things and in fact does most of the shopping etc, but still people have decided the woman is a full time carer and has some kind of glossy get out of jail free card which means nornal relationship rules and ethics no longer apply.

One poster (a few pages ago) even suggested the husband was taking advantage of his illness to force the wife to stay no matter what. Wow.

Where did that come from? And where do the saintly carer image that means she's ok to shag around and betray her husband, marriage etc.

Ugh, I guess being ill/ elderly/ disabled is so repugnant to some that those selfish drains on humanity don't get to treated as actual, people. What a revolting glimpse into people's minds.

ohtheholidays · 14/09/2015 23:55

Great posts by Baconyum.

How are you doing today OP?I hope your okay,I hope your Mum has stopped putting pressure on you and I hope she's decided what she's going to do now.x

Bogeyface · 15/09/2015 00:13

Rozalia none taken :)

I think we are both saying the same thing but in different ways. Sad that either of us should know though.....

Rozalia · 15/09/2015 07:12

Yes Bogeyface painful, hard won knowledge. The bastards.