Shit, I text my Mums lover.

[HappyBeet86]

Alright I know I'm am unreasonable but I need to get this out somewhere.

Bit of background, my parents are both getting on a bit. My Dads health isn't fantastic.

Lately my Mum has been having lots of 'errands' to run at short notice, she makes plans (like meeting up with me and dd in swimming) and texts at the last minute to say something's come up. I only mention it because it has been very noticeable. My Dad confided in me that he is worried about her, she used to be relaxed and happy. She is always stressed and angry lately.

To be completely honest I was starting to worry that she might be getting early signs of dementia.

I am at their house this morning with dd. I had to go upstairs to take some washing up and mums phone started buzzing. I picked it up to carry downstairs with me and saw the first line of a text.

'Wife's gone I'm free sexy'

My stomach dropped out of my feet. And I know I shouldn't have...but I did. I looked through her phone.

She's been having an affair with a married man. The texts were...gross. Most of them were him saying he was home now so not to call.

And I didn't even think, I was so angry. I text him from mums phone.

'You dirty fuck. You have a wife right? I've stored your number. How about if you don't stop contact immediately I call you every day, day and night? Do you think your wife will start to notice?'

Awww shit I know, I know! Should not have done that. If it's some small defence I'm 7 weeks pregnant and a bag of raging hormones.

This is hard to describe but my mums always beat me other the head with morals. She's sort of acted holier than thou for fifty years, she's not shy about coming down on me or anyone else for questionable moral behaviour and I've always looked up to her.

I was so angry at him for changing my mums personality. Or is thus who she is really?

I'm an adult. It isn't any of my business. I know I fucked up.I can't tell anyone else. What do I do now?

as she has beat you over the head from her 'superior' moral position all your life , i think you did not do anything wrong. Your m is the one in the wrong . It's not your job to tell her what to do now. If she actually has a conscience let her decide that for herself. sorry for your df.

That is of course your prerogative but please do try and put yourself in your mum's shoes for one minute... she has a very ill husband, I have no idea what the reality of their relationship is but for whatever reason she has had an affair and now her daughter has found out and the whole thing is mortifying for her.

More blaming of the OPs dad!

If her mother is finding it so 'mortifying' maybe she shouldn't have had an affair and use others as covers.

The excuses on this thread are getting worse

Totally baffled by the amount of people attempting to shift blame from the cheater to the person being cheated on.

It's must be stressful for her....poor thing.

Tbh it's bollocks. No one would have sympathy for a man cheating on is sick wife while using his dd and gdd as an alibi, verbally abusing his ds, then lying moee and trying to manipulate their ds.

I am more the age of your DM

Affairs happen at all ages. Possibly she had all she wanted, safe marriage, loving family and a fun bit on the side, and as far as she could see no one was getting hurt so why not

I said no one WAS n.b. WAS getting hurt so why not? - very very obviously I was therefore talking about BEFORE the affair was found out.

I was giving her point of view.

For those determinedly outraged, I wasn't saying no one will get hurt.

The way you wrote it could have been your POV or hers, so thanks for the clarification, I did assume that you were saying "Well if no one is getting hurt, whats the problem?" for which I apologise.

Shutthatdoor Re my comment please do try and put yourself in your mum's shoes for one minute... she has a very ill husband

and your reply More blaming of the OPs dad! I find it mesmerising that you can think I was blaming the OP's dad for the situation! I was not. I was saying that people do very funny things when they are stressed, unhappy, worried or whatever. Of course it is not the Op's father's fault. It absolutely is not his fault. The fact people do funny or even out of character things in stressful situations does not mean that those things are right or without consequences. But it sometimes explains them.

When the dust has settled the OP will need to work out where she stand with both her mum and her dad, how she will handle things etc. She knows who is to blame, her mum. But that does not mean that she won't, in time, want to work things out with her mum. I hope she can find a way forward to do that. That is all.

The excuses on this thread are getting worse no one needs to make excuses for the Op's mum. But the Op may wish to rebuild and that is what may help her, to realise her mum is only human and we all make mistakes.

Sorry Shutthatdoor I meant astounding not 'mesmerising', I had not totally not expected anyone to read that from what I wrote and I could not find the write word but 'mesmerising' isn't it.

"The excuses on this thread are getting worse" agreed.

It's also difficult to understand if when the op's mum asked what she should do if that was asking for genuine advice or in the tone of 'well you're so bloody sure you know what's best tell me what exactly I'm SUPPOSED to do' its hard to convey that in writing.

I hope the op's mum does give OP some space as frankly she must still be digesting what she's discovered too. I can't imagine what will happen regarding the holiday. OP what are your husbands thoughts on this?

It's also difficult to understand if when the op's mum asked what she should do if that was asking for genuine advice or in the tone of 'well you're so bloody sure you know what's best tell me what exactly I'm SUPPOSED to do' its hard to convey that in writing

^that, is a VERY good point

Spartans I agree with you 100%. Some peoples' posts have really sickened me and you are so right about how different it would be if it was a man doing the cheating on his ill wife.

In a way I hope there is a way that the holiday can go ahead as the OP's father has been talking about it so long and looking forward to it so much. He has been very ill for a long time and it's entirely possible that his life is about to be blown apart. Maybe trying to go ahead with the holiday would be a very kind thing to do for him if it's at all possible.

NotSoHappyBeet did not say that her mum said anything in a sarcastic way, why would anyone assume that or think that is the reason for her asking what she should do. The emphasis seemed to be on the word 'SHE', which to me suggests she is taking some degree of responsibility, which I think is a good thing.

OP please do not second guess or over analysis everything.

Your mum had an affair and then was very horrible to you on the phone in the fall out of it all, which is truly awful but it doesn't mean that she cannot be genuine, or genuinely resolve this in some way. The fact she has been so 'moral' for so long must make it even more hard to cope with this. But as someone else pointed out sometimes people who are very moral or oppose things could be struggling with them.

I think Italiangreyhounds post was excellent and the best advice so far to the OP.

Your mum had an affair and then was very horrible to you on the phone in the fall out of it all, which is truly awful but it doesn't mean that she cannot be genuine, or genuinely resolve this in some way

Of course moving on will be the ultimate goal in all this mess. But the mess itself needs to be fully unraveled first, before it can be fix. The mum needs to accept her wrong doing, not make excuses for it. She needs to seriously apologies, at least to her daughter, her pregnant daughter, who she has been vile to and wrongly blamed. She needs to make a choice one way or another, not continue an affair at the expense of her family. Most of all, her mum needs to remember how to tell the truth, only then will the trust start to be rebuilt.

It's going to take a long time, and it's going to be a hard journey. There will be times the op will feel too angry to 'support' her mum, and that's OK. Her priority is her dad, not because she wants to take sides, because even if he doesn't 'know', he still needs a bigger part of her support at the moment. Hopefully, at some point down the road, this wound can heal. Unfortunately, it's true what they say though, you can glue a broken vase back together, but the cracks will forever more be there. You just learn not to focus on them, eventually.

Beet ignore the posters who have halos and don't ever act irrational when faced with a shock situation. I 100% believe I would have done the same as you.

I'm going to go against the grain here about not telling your dad.

Your mum knew what she was doing when she embarked on an affair and she knew probably subconsciously that she would eventually be caught and there would be consequences. She made her bed and she can lie in it so to speak.

You're dad has already noticed differences in your mum's personality with her being stressed and angry so wither she likes to admit it or not this affair is having an impact on him and he knows something isn't right. Yes he's unwell but he's not stupid.

I would absolutely hate to think my DH stays with me out of obligation because I was unwell. To me I don't want someone to stay out of fear or pity and I'd want to know if he was having an affair.

You said he had been cheated on by his first wife which is another reason that makes what your mum is doing horrid.

From a practical point of view if he finds out about the affair he would undoubtedly be crushed but think how he would feel to find out that not only is his wife cheating but that you knew about it also and didn't tell him? That would probably be far more difficult to swallow and if it was me I'd feel alone like I had nobody I could truth or turn to.

Have you also thought of what the fallout might be with your siblings if they find out about the affair and that you knew? That could irreparably damage your relationship with them and your dad.

Unfortunately I think that it's only a matter of time before the affair outs either from your mum or MM wife, these situations never stay hidden permantly no matter how hard people try.

FWIW I don't think you should be the one to tell him but I do believe your mum should be made to do it and if not I think you seriously need to consider it.

If your dad has already noticed difference in her mood and behaviour think what difference he will notice now it's all gone tits up with MM?

I agree entirely with Italiangreyhound.

Gently, re She needs to seriously apologies, at least to her daughter, her pregnant daughter, who she has been vile to and wrongly blamed. She needs to make a choice one way or another, not continue an affair at the expense of her family. Most of all, her mum needs to remember how to tell the truth, only then will the trust start to be rebuilt. I think all of this is for the mother to decide, not for 'us' or for us to expect of the OP's mum, because the danger is that the OP may end up believing this.

Of course apologises would be good, taking responsibility - brilliant, but is it our place to 'lecture' a woman (via her daughter) on when and why to tell the truth. Maybe in this very case the truth would not be best, maybe it would not be the kindest way out of this mess. Maybe leaving would not be in the best interests of the OP's father, whatever has happened.

You may be speaking from your own experiences, and I am aware that affairs can be incredibly hard to recover from, sometimes a marriage may never heal. But the relationship in question her is a woman and her mother, not the entire marriage. I think the OP can move forward at her own pace, her relationship with her mother may or may not heal.

ncpg53 you say of the OP's mother Your mum knew what she was doing when she embarked on an affair and she knew probably subconsciously that she would eventually be caught and there would be consequences. She made her bed and she can lie in it so to speak. Yet it may well be the OP's father who pays the price if the OP forces this into the light. Plus you started with Beet ignore the posters who have halos, what about her mother who let her halo slip, doesn't she deserve some mercy in all this?

re FWIW I don't think you should be the one to tell him but I do believe your mum should be made to do it and if not I think you seriously need to consider it. I really do not feel OP it is your role to make your mother do anything. It really is not your place. Please, please build bridges with your mum and find the right way forward together. None of us will be there when the shit hits the fan, if it does, please think who will be there and what they will or will not do. You are not really the injured party even though you are hurt. Please try and see your way ahead clearly.

I do not think it is a matter of time before the affair is outed as it may have now ended. So please OP think carefully before you act and do not feel you need to take responsibility for this because you found out.

XiCi and leghoul thank you.

I really do not want to come across as a bossy boots, I've not been in either the mum's shoes or the daughter's. But I do feel that there are so many ways to handle things and once the truth is out, that it is, it cannot be taken back. Lots of people being so very angry with a woman for having an affair - it is, in my view, unhelpful. I would be exactly the same if it were a man, by the way.

Italiangreyhound

I presume you've been in a similar situation, otherwise I'm not to sure what to make of your armchair psychology. You seem to be suggesting, on some level her mum is a victim and requires sympathy. No one in their right mind here is suggesting the daughter cut her mum out if her life, but (since you cannot seem to personally comprehend this), the hurt she is feeling right now overrides any ability to try and see it from her mum's side. The op needs to take time for herself to process her feelings, not put her perfectly normal hurt, anger and shock to one side to support someone who has so far refused to see blame in themselves. Even if you can excuse the affair, Italian, you cannot possibly expect the op to instantly forgive the fact her mum implicated her in lies (by using her as an alibi), then sent her abusive messages after. Would you be supportive of someone who had treated you so? Someone who had treated a loved family member so badly?

This thread seems to be divided between people who've actually experienced what the op has been through, and can be sympathetic, and those who cannot understand how someone can be so cross with their mum, regardless of what they've done. Her mum owes her an apology, most certainly, if nothing else. It's basic respect, especially after all the lies and rudeness.

I think the op did what alot of people would do if that message had flashed up in front of them. She has done the right things since she found out.
Of course her mum panicked when she was found out and made up more lies on the phone too. I think we forget our mums are just human too and fuck up like the rest if us. Yes, her mum is completely out of order and has decisions to make now but when she said she loves her daughter, well of course she does.that doesn't just go away. She must feel a complete shit bag about the entire thing.
I don't think she should tell her dad (unless the affair continues) and as for her siblings, probably not? She has spoken to her mum, she should leave them to sort it out now. Maybe have a conversation in a week.
No I am not on the mums side but it is easy for others to reel off insults when this is op's life, not a soap opera. You only get one mum and although things will never be the same again it would be a shame not to try rebuilding a relationship with her.

Gently I think I have already admitted I have neither been in the position of the mother nor of the daughter (nor of a person having an affair).

I am not trying to peddle any armchair psychology I am urging the OP to see beyond the immediate. That is all. She is very hurt and very angry and I think she is totally right to be so. But these emotions may well not prove the best in resolving things in a way that helps her dad.

You said I seemed to be ... suggesting, on some level her mum is a victim and requires sympathy. I did not mention sympathy, I mentioned mercy in reference to a 'halo' comment. I do not think she needs sympathy. I think the OP's main issue is not punishing her mum but deciding what will be best for her dad, and that is all I am trying to refer to.

Re since you cannot seem to personally comprehend this this is not about me, it is about the OP. It doesn't matter what i can or cannot comprehend. I am aware the hurt may make her feel like she wants to cut her mum out of her life or may not, neither of these things would necessarily be permanent. but telling her dad, or attempting to 'force' her mum to tell her dad may have permanent consequences.

I am sorry if I am coming off as heartless, that is not my intention. I totally agree with you Gently that The op needs to take time for herself to process her feelings, not put her perfectly normal hurt, anger and shock to one side to support someone who has so far refused to see blame in themselves.

Re Even if you can excuse the affair, Italian, you cannot possibly expect the op to instantly forgive the fact her mum implicated her in lies (by using her as an alibi), then sent her abusive messages after. Would you be supportive of someone who had treated you so? Someone who had treated a loved family member so badly?

I may well not be at all supportive of such a person, and I am not saying the OP needs to support her mum, I was suggesting that together she and her mum can work out what they will do in the current situation, e.g. regards telling the OP's father or not, as the case may be.

Re This thread seems to be divided between people who've actually experienced what the op has been through, and can be sympathetic, and those who cannot understand how someone can be so cross with their mum, regardless of what they've done. Her mum owes her an apology, most certainly, if nothing else. It's basic respect, especially after all the lies and rudeness.

Well, if I may, I am not someone who has experienced this, and so you may feel I cannot comment, and I am most definitely not arguing she should not be angry or upset. I am 'arguing' for a cool head in a most difficult situation, to work out in the short term how the OP can handle this 'bomb' that has exploded in her life. I am also someone who has lost a parent to heart disease (in a moment) and another (slowly) to dementia who is still alive but will never really be herself again, and so for me even the most difficult of personal situations like affairs etc, a part of me feels there may be a way through, that is all. I am most definitely not trying to be unsympathetic to the OP.

I think all our views here can be valid and ultimately the OP can use any of our opinions as she feels.

You only get one mum and although things will never be the same again it would be a shame not to try rebuilding a relationship with her.

That doesn't give her mum a free reign to do as she wants.

Don't you also only get one dad, or doesn't that cout? Shouldn't the way he is being treated figure in this?

Hi beet just read your update and you handled that brilliantly.

Sadly your mum lies to you again which I guess was a further dig for you. She probably is very scared although I obviously don't condone cheating.

Just wanted to let you know there are people on this thread who don't think you're a wrong un for reading the texts!! If it's dangled in front of your face of course you would investigate.

It must be very hard as I can't see an any way of this being resolved as it's not an easy thing to forgive and forget

Ps. Hope you've ate all the carrot cake by now!

The thing is, Italian, you speak as if the op has gone off the deep end on this. If there's anything we can all agree in, she's behaved calmly, with the exception of the initial text sent to the OM. Again, no one denies that in time, she will find the strength to move on, and repair relationships. However, we are currently discussing how she feels right now, and how to deal with a mum who has only told her lies and sworn at her in the last 24 hours. She doesn't even know who this person is, she said it doesn't even sound like her mum. She's also very worried about her dad, who seems absolutely innocent and oblivious to the whole thing (probably a good thing at the moment). So, considering how raw it all still is, talking about the future, and emotive language such as 'you only get one mum', can wait a little bit. My mother is dying, I still can't forgive the things she did in my life, no amount of guilt tripping from others will sway me. But I can see a chance for the op to get beyond this, if her mum can accept the hurt she's caused. I, personally, would hate for the op ir anyone to end up with the bad relationship i ended up having, with a parent who blamed everyone but themselves. We're all different, but being hurt badly is universal, and we all know that the first few days, forgiveness and moving on is too difficult to think about. It will come around, but let's just help the op through her current feelings first and not jump ahead.

Gently Re The thing is, Italian, you speak as if the op has gone off the deep end on this. That was most definitely Not my intention.

I was replying to others who had said stuff like the mother should be made to her husband, which I did not agree with.

Yes, I agree the OP has behaved calmly, with the exception of the initial text sent to the OM.

I would however say that some are not talking in a tone of repairing relationships (which is fine, of course) and some seemed to express a view of how the mum should now proceed, what she should do. Which is not, in my view, the OP's place. The Op has not said that.

I am not sure I ever said 'you only get one mum'. I think that was someone else. My main, and only concern here, is that the OP will feel she needs to resolve this and that her dad must know, and I feel that might not be right.

Gently Re My mother is dying, I still can't forgive the things she did in my life, no amount of guilt tripping from others will sway me. I am so sorry to hear that you mum is dying. I have no desire to guilt trip you or anyone else into anything. I was very lucky to have a very good relationship with voth parents, and when my dad died I was very sad but it was how very final it was that really hit me. Knowing the OP's dad is very ill makes me concerned for him, which I hope comes through, I am not trying to minimise the OP's feelings. I have tried to say many times it is the OP's dad who is the one who is 'at risk' as the injured party.

Yes, Gently I too ...can see a chance for the op to get beyond this, if her mum can accept the hurt she's caused. Which is why I think it is important she does not try and second guess if her mum is sincere when she (the mum) asks what she (the mum) should do.

I too agree It will come around and like you I just want to help the OP. But I may keep the title of armchair psychiatrist - although I am currently sitting on a swivel computer chair

Bless you OP, we are all thinking of you. XX