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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it isn't normal to live like this?

164 replies

FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:08

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

OP posts:
Kampeki · 10/09/2015 23:10

No, it's not normal IMHO. The real question is, why are you putting up with it?

BearFoxBear · 10/09/2015 23:12

Nope, not normal. What's he doing with the other £1500 a month that he earns?

RandomMess · 10/09/2015 23:12

It's financial abuse, he has ££££££££££££££££ in savings whilst you have nothing. If the credit cards are in your name alone that is your debt and he has no obligation to pay it for you I'm afraid.

horlickslover · 10/09/2015 23:13

That sounds horrible OP, I am like you currently dependent on my partners income but everything is joint we obviously discuss spending and have a budget for things but if I need something I do have access all the money, we are married so for us whats his or mine is ours.

hibbleddible · 10/09/2015 23:13

It sounds like financial abuse.

Why are you in this relationship?

gateauxauxfruits · 10/09/2015 23:14

Yanbu this is financial abuse. Ask the question in relationships, or get this thread moved there, for confirmation.

Greengardenpixie · 10/09/2015 23:15

Definetly not normal. My dh gets a lot less and he pays for most things even although i work!

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 10/09/2015 23:15

Where is the rest of the money? Does he see it as his money rather than family money? What happens if you ask him for more or tell him that this is not an equal relationship? Why don't you have access to finances and what else does he control.

No it's not normal, you should have equal access and control over money. Look up financial abuse.

JuJuMun69 · 10/09/2015 23:15

All money should be "put on the table" so to speak. Things paid for then the remainder divided equally.

He's an arse.

Greengardenpixie · 10/09/2015 23:16

I work and i pay for the food!!! I contribute to the car and insurance and he pays everything else.

Bumbledumb · 10/09/2015 23:17

It is certainly not how we operate. I earn more than your DP, but it all goes into our joint account. It pays for the mortgage, all the bills and all our monthly living expenses. My DW's salary goes into a savings account in her name. We both have debit cards for the joint account and use them as we need them. If I need or want to spend more than a small amount on something, I will discuss it with DW first. There are no limits on what she can withdraw from the account, or what she can spend it on.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/09/2015 23:17

Nope it isn't normal. He keeps, what? Twice as much as you get to feed, clothe, transport and care for 3 people and pets?
I take it you have tried to talk him through the costs? What is his reaction?
To put it into context, DH earns 35k more than me but pays three times as much as me into the joint account for our family expenses.

Thelushinthepub · 10/09/2015 23:18

I don't think he earns enough to support at Sahm but you should both be able to see This by looking at all outgoings. Won't he discuss it?

Original poster
FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:21

I don't know where the rest goes. He acts like we're broke. It pisses me off that DD had a birthday a few weeks ago and I scrimped and saved and planned for months and then people presume it's all thanks to him when he paid for/planned none of it and didn't even know what she was getting til she got it. Our other DC needs a new car seat and the pushchair is on its way out but I just can't find the money to sort it myself.

OP posts:
Pobspits · 10/09/2015 23:21

It isn't normal. We are in almost exactly the same position as you in terms of financial incoming and outgoing.

However I don't have an allowance or anything. I haven't had a haircut in about 15 months and we can't really afford me to get a good coat or boots but that's because I prooritise other things first like the kids clubs, holidays and house decor.

I consult Dh on larger purchases and I wouldn't go on a shopping spree or anything but I don't have a set amount whilst he live the life of Riley. Theres one pot of money and food, bills, mortgage, car stuff, council tax, kids stuff etc all come out of it.

We are struggling just now because we have had ALOT of unexpected expenses in the last couple of months (fridge, Hoover and washing machine all broke for example) and Dh does moan a bit if I buy non essentials but he is inherently a saver whilst I am....inherently not!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/09/2015 23:22

No you're not being unreasonable. You're doing the hardest job of all raring his children, at least he gets a tea break. When my dd was little very playful and energetic as adorable as she was and as much as I idolise her. I can tell you going to work was a restGrin
Seriously though. I do second other posters. This is financial abuse.

Princerocks · 10/09/2015 23:22

42K household income is plenty for a SAHP if you budget correctly which they should be able to do with such a small budget.

Princerocks · 10/09/2015 23:23

Such a small mortgage.

Original poster
FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:24

It's not my choice to be a SAHM btw, but he can't be relied upon for any help with childcare and won't help with the upfront childcare payments should I find a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishFace99 · 10/09/2015 23:27

I was a single parent earning £18k before I met him (and had 2 more DC) and had a better standard of living then.

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 10/09/2015 23:27

We were in a similar financial position when our kids were little.
All DH's pay and child benefit went into the joint account. All the bills and food got paid from there. We both had complete access to the account and could spend money according to what we could afford. We would consult with each other on larger purchases, but only as a matter of courtesy.

Your DH is out of order.

BackforGood · 10/09/2015 23:29

You know it's not normal. You know it's not reasonable.
The question is, how are you going to change it?

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 10/09/2015 23:30

Why can't he be relied upon for childcare? Does he do anything with the dc? Is he keeping you at home? As that is also a form of abuse.

All his wages should be family money. Have you confronted him about it? He has no respect for you and is treating you like a child.

You don't have to live like this op, and neither do your children.

80schild · 10/09/2015 23:30

Definitely not normal. I get roughly the same amount as you get from your DH and that is just for me and the kids (clothes, haircuts, books, school kit and the odd treat). Big ticket items I ask and most of the time DH foots the bill.

peggyundercrackers · 10/09/2015 23:31

I agree with pp in that I don't think he earns enough for you to sah and pay for everything. I'm guessing from his salary he pays the rent, electricity, gas, insurance, council tax etc. I don't think his salary will go that far once he has paid for whatever he pays for.

We don't share money - we both have our own money, no joint accounts or a family pot of money. I earn lots more than my dp but pay for most things, his salary is pretty much his to spend on whatever he wants which I have no issue with. If we need something we both know what is in the bank and just buy what we want. It's only money, neither of us are precious about it.

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