to think it isn't normal to live like this?

[FishFace99]

I'm a SAHM. DP earns around £42k and our rent is low - under £400 pcm, with few other outgoings. I receive child benefit and DP gives me £350 per month. Out of this I need to pay for my phone, our broadband, one shopping account, our car, my credit card plus everything for the pets and DC and food and cleaning products, toiletries etc.

I haven't had a haircut or bought new clothes for as long as I can remember. I can't afford boots or a hat or coat for the winter. I'm having to put things for the DC on my credit card but am nearing the limit. Our dog needs to see the vet IMO but I can't afford it and DP says to leave it and she'll be fine. I have no access to his finances.

Aibu to think this isn't how most couples operate and that the kids, pets and I shouldn't be going withoutlike this?

What do you mean it's not your choice to be a SAHM?

Do you talk about this with family/friends? What do they say?

42 is enough to be a SAHP with 400 mortgage. We do it on a similar amount but our mortgage is 800 plus 300 on petrol. I have 400 just for food.

My parents do this and its torture to see my mum having to scrimp and save for things like a new pair of shoes coz her old ones have holes in them. My dad has hundreds if not thousands of pounds just sitting in the bank.

When I was married it was one pot and that's the way it should be.

Have you and him sat down and gone through a budget?

We get by on a similar income with a higher monthly mortgage/rent and I am the sahp. DH and I share the monthly income equally, we discuss money etc. This is financial abuse, and is a terrible burden on you.

You said you get Child benefit. Have you not applied for tax credits as well. They're two separate things

Yes I do, I gave a parchant for expensive designer handbags, and designer clothes. Last time I spent £500 on a designer bag.

No not normal atall.

My DP works and I look after the kids. All his wages go into out joint account and once bills are paid we have equal access to money.

We discuss big purchases etc and are both sensible but can both spend what and when we like within reason!

I would leave in your situation. We have a similar income to your family and lots of kids and so I have to be frugal (charity shops, cheap holidays, economic eating) but we share funds and the money isn't his, it's ours

haydee I don't blame dh, I have poor impulse control, I have a joint accounts with mum who is quite well off, so I thought I would treat myself to a £250 designer bag and £100 jeans as I was a bit down about dd behaviour, she has ASD.

I would find a professional article on financial abuse and send it to him stating you want a frank discussion this weekend

Fair enough aeroflot.

It does not end with this haydee, I blown thousands of my ISA on crap in the past, I am a lot better, but if there is a low point out comes the debit card.

Dd social worker is going to arrange counselling through the carers scheme for me, I have an appointment with my GP soon.

I think by posting you've got to the point that you realise you can't carry on like this, so now you've got to consider your next moves.

He has effectively got you where he wants you. You can't work, you can't do anything with no money.
Does he have any redeeming qualities at all? Do you feel you love him? (I can't see how you can, but accept that some people feel they do in these situations)

Personally, I wouldn't issue any ultimatums unless there are a lot of redeeming qualities we don't know about. Start making get out plans. See a solicitor for their free half hour of advice. Visit CAB and/or Womens Aid, get copies of your birth certificates, passports and as much financial information/ wage slips etc, as you can.

Be brave. Your situation is intolerable.

Not sure they'd be entitled to tax credits on £42k with presumably no childcare as OP is SAHM.

Agree that the OP is being financially abuse d. Putting basic living expenses on a credit card is almost always a sign of some sort of financial problem unless it is paid off in full every month.

OP you need to talk to your DH about this and get full access to all income and all joint costs including annual expenses for the family need to be paid out of this. You should then have an equal amount from what's left for personal spends.

There was a thread a few days ago where the ops DH sold her car to buy himself a better one. She talked to him about how unfair this was and he saw this and got her another one. So itcould be thst the ops DH here doesn't realise there is a problem and needs to be told and they need to work together to sort it out.

Personally, I wouldn't issue any ultimatums unless there are a lot of redeeming qualities we don't know about. Start making get out plans. See a solicitor for their free half hour of advice. Visit CAB and/or Womens Aid, get copies of your birth certificates, passports and as much financial information/ wage slips etc, as you can

All the free half hour is for is to see if they will take your case or if you have one,it is no longer free advice.
The scheme where it used to be no longer exists.

It would be far more helpful to say ring a legal helpline like rights of women, nightmare to get through to but actual good quality legal advice not just a chance for a firm to write down your details and decide which legal bod in the firm they are going to tell you to pay to see

In that case I really hate to say this as It'll seem very intrusive but I do agree with s fellow poster, about the fact that op would be better off as a single parent.
Yes okay she might struggle but it can't be any worse than she is doing now.
Depending on the age of her child/ren. She would be entitled to either JSA or I.S. Child benefit and tax credits all adds up to mite than 100 per week, a lot more than she is getting off her not so darling partner

Oh sorry - I didn't realise needsa

The legal advice helpline sounds good.

She'd also get housing and council tax benefit and the maintenance would be more than she's getting off him now.

You know what, makes me think of the film 'blind date' where the Japanese wife is having a meltdown in the ladies, is clearly in an unhealthy relationship then kim basingers character tells her she would get 50% of everything in a divorce - suddenly the wife is considering divorce!

Quite right Bacon. Never thought of housing benefit, but I'd not hold my breath about child maintenance the government aren't quite as quick to go after the NRP.

Yes the maintenance is optimistic as this guy is such an arse and govt are a nightmare on this believe me I know all too well. But...it might be useful for OP to let her abuser know that he would be assessed as paying more to her than he is currently

I don't think the kids are his? OP says before she met him she was a single parent?

If not, OP do you get maintenance from your child's father?

this is why i would never rely on a guy for my income

never have and never will

sorry op but your relationship in general does not sound happy,you would be better and probably happier leaving and being on benfit while you sought things out

The OP has a previous thread and the DP does fuck all in the house and with the kids. There must be a way out of this for you op.

What the hell?
There are 3 of us in our household, and we are given a similar budget by my husband for food.
My husband earns less than yours, and our rent is double what your husband pays.
I'm incredibly shocked you have figured out a way to make everything doable on that amount.